Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around every other month, when I deem you are worthy, we post our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

Warning: While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment.

FYI.. If you'd like to be notified when each new newsletter is posted, just email me with your request and I'll make that happen. Our email database is 100% secure. Stored in a lock box formerly owned by Al Gore. Never shared or sold to third parties. Never perused by the NSA. Your name and email address will be safe with us into infinity and beyond.

Bad Santa

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: November / December 2020 .. Happy Holidays!!

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the month.....

The family car has broken down in the snow with a flat tire. Ralphie Parker, at the urging of his mother, reluctantly gets out to help "the old man" change the tire. Mr Parker assigns him the simple task of taking care of the lug nuts...He carefully puts them in one of the hubcaps for safe keeping. Somehow, someway the hubcap goes flying, throwing the lug nuts to the wind. Without thinking Ralphie's mouth opens and....

Ralphie: Oooh fuuudge!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!
Mr. Parker: [stunned] *What* did you say?
Ralphie: Uh, um...
Mr. Parker: That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. Go on!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.
Back at home......
Mother: All right. Now, are you ready to tell me where you heard that word?
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But, I chickened out and said the first thing that came to mind.
Ralphie: The Cheesy Pirates Lair Newsletter!

Ralphie .. Peter Billingsley / Mother... Melinda Dillon / Mr Parker..Darren McGavin / A Christmas Story (1983)

Oooh fuuudge!

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Picture Of The Month! Getting High In Colorado .. Colorado Highway 145 (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in our Picture of the Month spot..

Our November / December POTM was contributed by my good friend and former entertainment director for the Cali Cartel, Charlie Wickliffe of Show Low, Arizona. He says of the shot.."This shot was taken on Colorado Highway 145, heading north from Creede to Gunnison. The elevation was 10,000+, heading towards Slumgullion Pass, 11,530'... Monday 7/13/20 at about 10 am, 60 degrees, taken with Samsung Galaxy 20S."

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of a late model BMW and B. In focus. C. No GS's for Gods sake.

---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

"Step Into the Wayback Machine, Sherman" : I-BMW.com Lives .... Echoes In Eternity

“What we do now echoes in eternity” (Marcus Aurelius) That's especially true with the internet. What we post today will be viewable long after we've shuffled off this mortal coil. Of course, that's both a curse and a blessing and not a day goes by that I don't thank Crom I didn't have access to the internet when I was young and stupid. That being said, wouldn't it be cool if we had access to information from long gone websites? Well, my friends... I just found out that we actually do..

Recently a customer of mine told me about the WaybackMachine Internet Archive site... In a nutshell, the site has over 400 billion web pages, videos, and images archived going back to the beginning of the worldwide web. It's kinda like the internet version of the Hubble telescope looking back through space and time. I'd assumed only the NSA stored that kinda information, but apparently somebody else has made it available to the masses.

The first site I looked up (after the early years of Pirates Lair) was I-BMW.com. As most of you know, the wealth of late model BMW information stored on that site was incalculable. All seemingly lost when VicS (the site owner) pulled the plug without warning back in mid- 2019. I immediately found hundreds of pages still active. You have to be diligent if you are looking for specific information. It's pretty much hit or miss. How-tos, ride reports, images, chit chat, opinions, bullshitting, sage advice, etc are still there for those who have the time to explore. As an example, here's a forum page from Jan 17, 2013.. Here's a THCR ride report by Tim Hudspeth from April 2002 and here's a weekend BRPW ride report I made from April 2012..

How it works.. After you put in the I-BMW URL, you'll get a 20 year long calendar showing the history of I-BMW.com.. Choose a year.. then choose any days that are highlighted to access the "wayback machine." If the day is highlighted, that means a "snapshot in time" was made and you can pull that day up by clicking on it. Some of the links on the page will work.. Some will not. Hit or miss. Is that fucking cool or what? As of this writing I'm still sorting through the pages looking for some of my own ride reports so I can copy them to the Pirates Lair archives. If anyone finds one of my past rally reviews or articles, please make note of the day month and year so I can down load it.. TIA.

---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

New Product for 2021: Pirates Lair BMW R1250RS / R1250R / R1200RS / R1200R Stealth Backrest

I've designed and manufactured a lot of backrests through the years. I thought I had the process down to a science... until this project came along.. What should have taken 4 months from start to finish took 2 years. Everything that could go wrong did including a worldwide pandemic. It was as if the project was cursed. I actually gave up on the project.. twice. But.. I don't like to be beaten.

In July we received our first production run of our R1250RS / R1200RS Stealth Backrests and they were impressive. Customer Comments are all good.

Like all the Pirates Lair backrests, install of the R12RS stealth rack is chimp easy with basic tools and intellect taking all of 10 minutes. No modifications necessary. While we designed these to fit the 2015+ BMW R1200RS and 2018+ R1250RS, we found out only last week that these will also fit the 2015+ BMW R1200R and R1250R when they're equipped with the optional BMW rear rack. Cool beans. Each rack is powder coated with a rich, durable, textured black finish. We also offer an optional BMW peel-n-stick emblem to make the rack look factory. Our latest backrests are in stock and shipping...

---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

Manufacturers Speak Out As Calls To Ban Loud Bikes Spread
As seen at VisorDown.com

anufacturers have their view on the growing campaigns to limit the noise of motorcycles or ban them altogether from certain popular routes. They have intimated they will need to factor in new solutions for upcoming models amid a wave of bans, fines and restrictions being imposed on perceived noisy motorcycles across Central and Northern Europe. While the debate over the ‘nuisance’ caused by certain motorcyclists has raged for years, the argument is increasingly taking on a more volatile tone in Europe as councils wage war with legislation and bans being imposed on certain routes.

With noise-measuring devices already being tested in some countries, the German Federal Council launched the ‘Initiative Against Motorcycle Noise’ in May calling for bans for those who flout the rules. Then in June, the Austrian state of Tyrol imposed bans on motorcycles emitting 95dB of stationary noise – encapsulating a number of high-selling models – on popular routes. Resulting in a demo by motorcyclists the day after the ban came into force, it is nonetheless reported locals have noticed a reduction in noise to the extent the ban could well now be extended further into Austria. Moreover, there are increasing calls for action in Germany, Switzerland, Italy and France too as a result of these precedents.

The impact of such measures if they threaten to become the norm across Europe could have big ramifications for the motorcycle industry with manufacturers needing to factor in legislation when developing brand-new models, leading to toned down engine approaches.

In response, German motorcycle publication Motorrad.de have done some impressive legwork to approach each manufacturer for its view on the current issues and answer a handful of questions directly. Though most replied with single statements erring to a commitment to comply with regulations as they are presented to them, BMW and KTM went into more detail. Read the full article here...

What Men Really Want for Christmas: Pirates Lair Gift Cards and BJs!

Through the years we've gotten more requests for gift cards than anything else except perhaps naked pictures of Amber. Who are we to deny the masses? This holiday season we are again offering Pirates Lair Gift Cards in a number of denominations to fit your congressionally pummeled budget. From $25 to $300! Our standard sized plastic gift card is sleek, stylish, and professionally made. Whip it out (the card, that is) and you will garner respect and admiration from not only your peers, but also the less fortunate around you.

Like buying underwear or choosing a hooker, buying motorcycle accessories is a very personal thing. Simply guessing what your favorite rider actually needs/wants/desires for his ride is a hit or miss proposition. Rather than putting yourself in the embarrassing situation of getting the wrong thing or worse.. something that he or she hates and has to return... you can't go wrong with one of our waaaay cool Pirates Lair Gift Cards. Ladies.. these are perfect for the holidays, birthdays, weddings, promotions, or just a way of saying.. "Sorry honey..but I didn't realize that the old guitar I sold at last month's yard sale for $40 was a 1965 Fender Stratocaster personally autographed by Jimi Hendrix." Remember.. nothing says.. "I love you" or "I'm sorry" to a man like shiny plastic or I suppose.. an unexpected BJ.. One that doesn't involve begging, cash, or undercover police officers.

Included with every Pirates Lair Gift Card is a single-fold, greeting card style gift card holder with a folded/glued pocket inside for easy gift card insertion and removal. And that's not all! We also include a small matching envelope. Folded size: 4 3/4" x 3 3/8" Actual cost of each card is $5 to cover cost of card, holder, envelope package, and insured shipping inside the US. For instance.. a $25 gift card will cost $30 to your door. Saavy? Foreign orders are welcome. Happy Holidays!

---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

Pirates Lair.. We're Throwing Another Party!

It's been 13 years since Amber and I threw a party. Our last was in 2007 at a park near Lake Lure just east of Asheville. We had around 80 riders show up in spite of some brutal heat. Pretty damn sure a good time was had by all. Here's a link to pictures of that event.. Lately I've been missing the I-BMW events and the dozens of friends and quasi-friends I've met through that website. Call me nostalgic. As of late, I've been thinking we might try to get the gang together for one last blow out while we're still alive.

As Amber and I just recently turned our 6 acres of mountain property into a "boutique" campground (see next section below), I've been thinking it would be a perfect place to host an event in 2021. I've only mentioned my idea to a few of the old crowd and all seemed interested bordering on excited. I'm pretty sure one of them got an erection.

As to when we'll hold this party, nothing is in concrete. I'm thinking around October 15th, 2021 at our Paradise Ridge Campground. (see below.) Generally the leaves are in full color that time of year. The weather is cool-ish for excellent riding with little rain and there are no holidays worth mentioning to get in the way. Our property has plenty of parking space for bikes, cars, trailers, etc. Like all past I-BMW events or the last two Pirates Lair parties, there will be no entry fees. No hoops to jump through. No waivers to sign. We just want our friends to show up, eat some burgers, hang out for a few hours, then get the fuck out. Interested? Let me know.

I'll be posting updates as this next year progresses in upcoming newsletters. Stay tuned.

2007 Pirates Lair Partay...

---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

Paradise Ridge Campground: Grand Opening Right Off the Blue Ridge Parkway

Amber and I bought 6 acres of mountain property just east of Asheville, NC a dozen or so years ago. We chose this location, just 8 minutes from the Blue Ridge Parkway, as it's my favorite place to ride. We've slowly been making improvements to the property in preparation for inviting friends and family over and eventually building our retirement home on it. Landscaping, clearing brush and thinning trees, a barn for Amber's horses, a fire pit, picnic tables, a shower, and we currently have a large covered gazebo under construction.

A couple of years ago Amber had an idea to recoup some of our monthly expenses by allowing campers to pitch their tents on our beautiful plot of paradise. Asheville is a huge tourist destination, doncha know. Wish I had thought of it!.. Anyway, just this last month we started taking reservations via the HipCamp.com website. We've had perhaps a dozen couples as of this writing and we've gotten nothing but rave reviews. Now that we've worked through the learning curve of discerning what campers need and/or want, we're ready to spread the word and offer invites to our quasi-esteemed newsletter readers.

You can get most of the booking information and directions off the (admittedly lacking) Hipcamp website, but I'll also add... we offer 6 wooded camping spots plus a wide open grassy pasture for parking RVs, vans, campers, trailers, or buses. We are (of course) motorcycle friendly and depending on the weather, allow riders to park their bikes by their camp spot. As of this writing Amber charges $20 per tent per night. We offer on-site security from dusk till dawn, fire-wood for the fire pit, bottled water, and rain-fed shower access. Pets are welcome.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare
Click Here To See More... If You Dare!
Click Here To See More... If You Dare

What's New In the No-Spin Zone

1. It's that time of year... All the new bikes are making an appearance. Here's a good place to start... BMW Announces A Slew Of Motorcycle Lineup Updates For 2021

2. Back in the dark ages when I was a newbie rider, there were no plug-n-play accessories for motorcycles.. You had to actually do the wiring yourself.. Here's a video spotted over at continuetheride.com that could have made my life easier back then.. ... THE ART OF SOLDERING WITH SKIDMARK GARAGE

3. Charley & Ewan Long Way Up: Here’s the trailer! It actually looks pretty good.

4. Do you hear what I hear? In Quiet-Loving Germany, Motorcyclists Protest A Possible Ban On Loud Sunday Rides

5. Looking for a gift idea for that special riding husband, friend, lover?.. Check out this coffee table book by Peter Starr.. Motorcycle Traveler The 10” x 10” book has 300 pages, over 500 photographs and comes with an accompanying DVD. Covering on and off-road riding, the twelve chapters feature Australia, Canada, Ecuador, Finland, Isle of Man, Israel, New Zealand, Poland, Quebec, Romania, Scotland, Thailand, Taiwan and Wales.

6. BREAKING: Cycle World sold, ends its print run. End of an era.. Dang.. Every time I hear one of these stories I feel like a part of my youth has been erased..

7. Detailing Tip Of The Month: Many of you, like myself, have aging Carbon Fiber exhaust canisters that are fading due to the heat exposure. It happens with all of them sooner or later. After a while parts can look like Gary Busey on a meth bender.. Here's a tip I learned 2 decades ago when I was a professional motorcycle detailer in Nashville to bring back the color and shine of some carbon . I always keep a tube of Autosol SHINE Metal Polish in my shop.. While it's meant for just about any metal, it works wonders on faded carbon fiber. The stuff has a super mild abrasive which removes the oxidation in just minutes.. I put a small amount directly on the carbon part.. let is set about 15 seconds then rub in circles with a clean cotton tee or old sock for a minute or two. After I wipe that off, I repeat except with a slightly wet piece of cloth. I cleaned the CF ends on my 10 year old Remus Hexacone canister yesterday in about 10 minutes.. Now it looks almost new.. BTW.. Autosol makes different polishes.. The one I use is the SHINE version. One tube will last about 300 years. If you try this on your bike, start in a small area out of view before you start on the visual sections.

8. Man Finds Wartime Motorcycle Buried In Backyard...

9. Indian Unveils Its 2021 Lineup; Harley-Davidson Doesn’t....

10. We're always looking for the latest tire technology. If you're like me you want the best tires you can afford and it seems like the manufacturers are coming out with new shoes every year or so... Just in time for Christmas... Ride Magazine Sport Touring Tire Test... You can get all their impressions here, but in summation..... the winner is...

11. Yet another BMW Motorcycles Recall Notice.. Yes.. a new one. Why not? Everything else in 2020 has gone to shit. BMW Recalls 16,926 Motos For Faulty Fuel Pump Flange. Included in the recall.. Repairs will of course be free of charge. This recall will begin on October 2, 2020 and will include many BMW's going back to 2005 including the K1200S, K1300S, K1600 series. Ouch! BMW will notify the owners of affected motorcycles to have them bring the bike to a BMW dealer. The dealer will replace the fuel pump(s) with an improved version free of charge. At least they are stepping up to the plate on this one.. My 06 K1200S (included in the recall) is 14 years old.. Thank you, BMW.

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. Holiday Military Swag: During the month of December, Pirates Lair will again be giving away a Free Pirates Lair Kickstand Pad with every order from a veteran or American soldier while they last... Just ask and you shall receive. You will NOT see these listed on our website. Our kickstand pads are made of a black thermoplastic with the legendary Pirates Lair logo emblazoned on them. This is now a Pirates Lair holiday tradition. We hope our service men and women around the world take us up on the offer. This is our humble way of saying "Thank you for all you do, soldier..."

2. We're getting news almost weekly now of K1200RS or K1200GT being discontinued. The latest has been ZTechnik windshields.. Arguably the best on the market for these bikes.. The only version they still make is the tall shield for the 2002+ RS and GT. I'll imagine once the current supply is gone.. there will be no more...

3. Here's a last minute idea for an inexpensive Christmas present.. FYI.. I never ride without wearing a helmet liner inside my helmet.. NEVER.. and the best one on the market IMHO is the Raci-Baby Helmet Liner I actually did a review of this helmet liner in our July 2012 Issue. I have 3 that I rotate in the wash when the other is dirty. IMHO.. these would make the perfect gift for anyone who wears a helmet.... Motorcyclists, snowmobilers, skiers, bicyclists, and probably soldiers. And did I mention these are made here in the USA?

4. We just got confirmation from the Germans that the Bike Pen-R GPS mount for the BMR R1200RS LC does fit the R1250RS.

5. New Product Alert: We just picked up TWO GPS mounts for the K1600 Bagger from BikePen R of the Netherlands. These centered, adjustable triple clamp mounts are impressive even by my anal standards. Install is chimp easy and takes less than 10 minutes. We offer two choices of triple clamp mounts depending on which type handlebars came on your bike. Tubular handlebars or cast. No mods necessary. We also have them for the K1600GT and GTL..

6. During the month of December and in the spirit of giving.. Pirates Lair is giving away a FREE Raci Baby Helmet Liner or pair of Grip Buddies with every exhaust system or Wilbers shocks sold... Take your pick. Just let us know at time of order.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

7. We now have Carbone Loraine Brake Pads for the BMW K1600B / Bagger...

8. New Product for 2021: We now carry the Remus R1250RS / R1250R BlackHawk Slip-On Exhaust from Austria. The baddass Remus BlackHawk transforms both the sound and look of your R1250RS or R1250R. You can expect an increased mid-range and bottom end power, reduced weight, and a deep, sexy, throaty tone. Remus offers the BlackHawk in black stainless steel only. The kit features a removable baffle allowing the rider to have a full rich sound or a little more attitude. Kit includes black canister with carbon fiber end cap, connector, and all mounting hardware. System retains catalytic converter (which is in the oem headers) and centerstand capability. Chimp easy install.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare!

How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have no new contributions this month. Our last was from Paul Andry of Highlands, North Carolina . Check out #166. Could his tip save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps rolling joints and cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Savvy?

BMW How-To Section

We have one new contribution this issue.
We recently sold a Verholen Peg Lowering Kit to a customer with a BMW K1300GT. According to him, the device that lowers the brake pedal (to match the lowered pegs) will not work on that bike due to a poor design. We'd never heard of the problem before and (shockingly) the Germans were no help in resolving the problem so he came up with his own solution and posted it over at the BMWMOA site for all to see. Thought I'd share .. Verholen K1300GT Brake Pedal Mod for Lowered Footpegs contributed by DeVern Gerber of Nibly, Utah.

---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

Guess that kinda wraps this one up. This will be the last communiqué for 2020. What a fucked up year, but we survived just like we always do. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, doncha know. I know we don't tell you enough, but Amber and I really appreciate everyone's continued support, advice, encouragement, and occasional naked pics throughout the years. Best wishes to you all for a safe and prosperous 2021...

In spite of what the far left would like us to say, we sincerely hope that you and yours (no matter what bike you ride and/or religion) have a a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Remember if you're gonna drink... leave the bike at home... For our secularist customers... Happy Winter Season.

For the US troops serving all over the world thank you for everything you are doing for us and our country. Godspeed, soldier.

Take care.. ride safe...stay warm.. and watch out for flying reindeer... See you in the New Year.. in my mirrors.