Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around the 1st or 15th of each month, when I deem you are worthy, we put out our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

If you want to subscribe and have these sent via e-mail to your home or office just let us know at pirate@acelink.net .. otherwise you'll get 95% of it here. Why only 95%? Because I tend to tell the brutal truth as I see it on many issues/products and while I don't mind spewing "my opinion" into your home, office or cell, I have no desire to slam, insult, or malign any company, individual, competitor in public.. unless they blatantly deserve it.

While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, liberal, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment. So it is written.. so let it be done....

Prepare to be boarded!

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: June / July 2012 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the month.....

Ex-cop John Spartan, who was unjustifiable tried and convicted of a crime he didn't commit then cryogenically frozen 50 years ago as his punishment, has now been brought out of suspended animation in the future to pursue an old ultra-violent enemy who is loose in a nonviolent society. He's being brought up to speed by his new partner...

Lenina Huxley: Ah, smoking is not good for you, and it's been deemed that anything not good for you is bad; hence, illegal. Alcohol, caffeine, contact sports, meat, Big Gulps...
John Spartan: Are you s#@*ng me?
Moral Statute Machine: John Spartan, you are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.
John Spartan: What the hell is that?
Moral Statute Machine: John Spartan, you are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.
Lenina Huxley: Bad language, chocolate, gasoline, uneducational toys, the Cheesy Pirates Lair Newsletter,.and anything spicy. Abortion is also illegal, but then again so is pregnancy if you don't have a licence.

John Spartan .. Sylvester Stallone /  Lenina Huxley .. Sandra Bullock /  Demolition Man (1993)

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Picture Of The Month! Tasman Hwy, Tasmania! (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our June / July POTM was contributed by .. Vern Pasfield ..of New South Wales Coast, Australia. He says of the shot... "Photo was take on the morning of the 10th of February 2012, South of Falmouth Tasmania, Australia on the Tasman Highway. It was day two of a ten day circumnavigation of Tassie and along with four mates we were riding from St Helens to Port Arthur, a nice 300kms down the East Coast. This ride was a prelude to attending the Superbikes at Phillip Island and then heading North for home,distance traveled in three weeks 4,789Kms, Camera Canon PowerShotSX110. Tasmania is a Bucket List item for any bike rider and for those that tick boxes a must do. "

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of a BMW K1200S, K1300S, K1200RS, K1200R, R Sport, S1000RR, K1600GT, GTL, or any model year K1200GT or K1300GT and B. In focus.

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The 2012 Blue Ridge Parkway K12 / K13 Rally: Another Year Older, But Just as Tasty!

Thanks to the behind the scenes people and the great crew at www.I-BMW.com, for making this years event yet another success. Wish I could have been there, but still having to pick and choose which rallies I can afford to attend until the economy turns around..

I'll wager a guess that everyone had a great time. Even those who received "velocity awards" and there were a few. Still waiting for those lucky individuals to check in for their FREE Pirates Lair tee, Plundering hat, or $25 Gift Card that we bestow for every speeding ticket "achieved" at any I-BMW rally... We're here for ya guys.

It seems as the years pass we get fewer and fewer pictures to share with our readers. I understand.. I take fewer myself. With that said.. have posted as many rally pics as I could plunder..er.. accumulate from the I-BMW site in our Pirates Lair Photo Album . It's the album cleverly entitled.. Blue Ridge Parkway Rally 2012 Enjoy!

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2012 BMW S1000RR Engine Recall !! Another Nostradamus Prediction Comes True!

BMW has issued a delivery hold and is recalling 1,414 2012 model year BMW S1000RR motorcycles to inspect and correct a potential problem with loosening of the connecting rod bolts. As a result of a manufacturing process error, the bolts could loosen and fall out. In other words.. "Mui malo mierda." If this happens, the engine may fail, seize, and/or leak oil. Approximately 900 of the affected motorcycles are still in BMW or dealer inventory and will be inspected and corrected prior to customer delivery. Owners of potentially affected motorcycles will be notified by mail in May advising them to bring their motorcycles to an authorized BMW Motorcycle dealer to have the recall performed. The connecting rod bolts will be replaced and installed with a thread locking agent.

Please contact our Customer Relations team at 1-800-525-7417 if you have additional questions."

On a related note. Our sources tell us the robot responsible was taken to a wooded area, shot, then buried in a shallow grave along with the inspector in charge of making sure it stayed within specs.

Latest: 2012 bmw s1000rr have been cleared by the national highway traffic safety administration and are being released from the customs port warehouse of new jersey on june 4th for shipment and recall kits are starting to ship june 6th.

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Product Mini-Review: California Gold Carnauba Wash & Wax

It doesn't take the Oracle of Delphi to conclude that, with the exception of GS owners, most of our customers wash their cars and bikes regularly. I'll also assume that while most aren't as anal as I am.. I know for a fact that many are. It's a curse, but one that many of us endure and in some cases... embrace. Like many others, I actually find it both relaxing and personally rewarding to clean my vehicles.  I get a since of accomplishment, self satisfaction, and well being when it's done properly. Kinda like sex.. except with less sweating or fingernail marks on my back. It really is the simple things in life.  Anyway... I've found another bike/car care product worthy of mention in this.. the most cheesy of newsletters... hence this mini-review.

Most of us have our own personal favorite when it comes to car/bike wax. If I asked 10 people, I'd get ten different answers... ie.. Maguires, Zaino, Zymol, Mothers, Crystal-Glo, TurtleWax, etc... All first rate waxes.. However.. when you ask the same 10 people what car wash they use.. about half can't remember. Interesting, huh? It is this former professional detailer's opinion that while the wash is NOT as important as the actual wax.. it is important. In both keeping the car clean and keeping your expensive wax on the car.

A few weeks ago I tried Mother's California Gold Carnauba Wash & Wax and I have to admit... it is damn impressive. First.. it's  ultra-sudsy, which is probably more of a psychological pleasure rather than a prerequisite for a good wash or sexual fantasy. I like a lot of suds.  But what  really impresses me is the way water beads on the paint after usage. It really does seem to leave a decent  "just waxed"  spot-free finish on your paint. I've seen other brands advertise this and deliver bupkis, but in this case.. Mothers seems to deliver the goods. It seems to do to paint what RainX does to glass.  The fact that it's environmentally friendly with a biodegradable formula is just icing on the cake.. The large 64oz bottle I tried was rather costly when compared to the competition at $10, but IMHO.. worth the extra doubloons.  Give it a try and let me know if you agree..

Mother's California Gold Carnauba Wash & Wax

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Product Review: Wick-It Helmet Liner!

My prerequisites for riding are always... full leathers, gloves, helmet, ear plugs, radar detector, AmEx card, a Mt Dew (in my backpack), and a good helmet liner. I hate the thought of sliding a helmet over my naked head . Yikes.. all that sweat, oils, and nastiness just aching to befoul your $600 helmet's interior. It makes me cringe. A simple, inexpensive liner will keep your helmet looking and smelling brand new for as long as you own it! I've been wearing liners for years and consider myself an expert on them. I've tried at least half a dozen brands trying to find one that I can't do without. Most do the job.. Some were comfortable. Some too tight.. Some moved around on the head when you try to put the helmet on.. Some fell apart after a few dozen uses. Some looked like a Jewish Yamaka.. It's hard to look cool with one of these things, but IMHO.. it's a must have.

Recently I met up with the people who run 2UpTouring while at a gathering at Deals Gap. I bought one of their Wick It Helmet liners and have loved it ever since. The Wick It is constructed of some comfortable stretch fit material that feels like silk. It gives a comfortable no slip fit that wicks away moisture without removing the essential oils that keep your hair looking neat and natural. As I have little hair left (dammit to hell), I can't confirm that claim, but it sounds reasonable. It covers most of your head and ears, too.

Lon Cheney in Wick It!

What I really like about the Wick It helmet liner that sets it apart from all other liners is...the unique "Vee" shaped tail which makes it easy to identify the front and back of the helmet liner, making it chimp easy to put it on. Also.. the Wick It's design moves all seams away from the forehead and other pressure points to ensure that you don't end up with the dreaded "seam headache" common with many helmet liners. It's the little things in life, my friends. The stretchy material fits snugly yet comfortably and does not shift and slip as you put your helmet on. Small details like this make a big difference to the helmet liner aficionado like myself. Bottom line.. the Wick It helmet liner is not only supremely comfortable, but is so easy to use you won't leave home without it. I certainly don't.

Lastly... I can NOT say enough about how much I love this little $15 accessory and I made the company owners well aware of my high praise, but also added that IMHO they need to change their advertising photo a bit..WTF?! I think that's co-owner Jim Jankowski's head in the advertising shot and he does a helluva good imitation of Lon Cheney, Jr or a serial mugger. I suggested that they need to get some young, hot, sexy model for the next photo shoot. Perhaps the other co-owner, Anna Hood. A babe. Sex sells. A no-brainer as far as I'm concerned. Just sayin. ;-)

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Product Review: Poo~Pourri.. Does Your Poo Stink?

While I generally try to use this space for product reviews on motorcycle related stuff, I'm breaking precedent this month. Why? Because I've just finished evaluating a product that impressed me so much that I just had to share even though it has nothing to do with motorcycling. It appears that finally after 3000 years, there's a solution to stinking up a bathroom and I feel it's my "doody" to spread the word. I know for a fact that many of my customers are full of s#@t ...er.. I mean.. I would assume that with the exception of my ex-wife # 3... everybody's poo stinks so in theory... all my readers should find this interesting..

How many times have we entered a restroom only and get hit in the face with knee weakening stink. Who was in here?...Danny Trejo? You're faced with a smell so foul .. so offensive that you're tempted to call a HASMAT team. Or on the other side of that coin.. you sheepishly leave a bathroom after defiling it with your own porcelain deposit and instead of hanging a note on the door warning the next guy... "Be afraid... be very afraid!"... you don't.. You just slink away hoping that A. there'll be no witnesses. B. No one will be killed or injured due to ASSphyxiation. We've all been there and it's embarrassing. Enter Poo-Pourri.

I heard about this product from a motorcycling friend.. contacted the company and requested samples. Told them I wanted to evaluate their poo odor eradicator for an upcoming newsletter. I promised them that A. I'd dump on their product and B. I'd give a fair and honest review without pulling any punches. They were 100% confident we'd be impressed and within a week I had a box chock full of samples. 2oz, 4oz, 8oz spray bottles as well as a handful of 5ml testers.

The bathroom is all yours...

So how does the stuff work? Basically.. unlike those nasty spray air fresheners (ie Ozium, Glade, Lysol) or toilet bowl scented hangers or stick-on's that just mask smells... you spray a few spritzs of Poo~Pourri into the bowl on the water's surface which forms a protective barrier between you and the poo. The barrier keeps post-LollaPOOlooza odors from coming into contact with the air. Flushing releases the odor neutralizing formula into the air leaving the bathroom smelling as fresh as a Pottery Barn's candle section. You are left with little or no embarrassing odors so everyone can walk away guiltless and with their heads held high. I know.. hard to believe.. In case you are wondering.. yes.. it's green... biodegradable and safe for all septic tanks.

While Poo-Pourri is impressive... you can NOT expect the stuff to eliminate 100% of bathroom odors. Just think about it.. Even if it terminates the smell of even the most hardy turdfest, you still have your ass hanging over the porcelain abyss emanating symphonic gaseous by-products via your own personal wind section. Even still... after my "strenuous" testing I believe that almost any Poo-Pourri equipped bathroom will be 95% fresher than a non equipped Loo. Even after a heavy doody deposit and flush, you'll find yourself actually lingering in the bathroom (rather than sprinting away like Carl Lewis on methamphetamines) because the smell has virtually been eliminated... Instead of thick stink you'll be greeted by refreshing scents made from all natural aromatic oils ..ie.. mandarin, bergamot, mint, basil, orange, grapefruit, peach, and berries.. Amazing stuff..

After using Poo-Pourri for 3 weeks I can confidently say we'll be buying the product regularly. It's that good. Further.. I'd think a small travel bottle would be indispensable for cruises since those little bathrooms have no ventilation, rallies or business trips that require you to room with a buddy, airplanes, RVs, or even a romantic weekend with a potential future ex wife. I would hazard a guess that virtually anyone on the planet (except those suffering from Anosmia and maybe the French) would appreciate this stuff.

The people who distribute Poo-Pourri are very business saavy (and funny) with their marketing. They offer over 20 versions of their products with clever names like Royal Flush, DejaPoo, DaisyDoo, HeavyDoody, No 2, CrapShooter, DutyFree, etc.. etc.. You have to give them credit for realizing that humor is the best way to push their unique product. Prices range from $24.95 for the 8oz bottle which is good for 400 uses (that's only a nickel a flush, folks and should last for months) down to $5 for the purse size. Here's a link to Poo-Pourri's entire product line..

What's New In the K12 / K13 / K16 / S1000RR No-Spin Zone

I should note that as the K1200RS and first generation K1200GT have been discontinued, I receive less and less news of any new products for them.. I mention this as a few semi-loyal subscribers have accused me of abandoning our roots.. Not true.. I only report what's going on.. Don't shoot the messenger.. I will NEVER abandon the K1200RS crowd. It appears that the times.. they are a changin.' Deal with it. Also.. a special thx to www.I-BMW.com, www.K-Bikes.com , and www.BMWK1200S.com for the information & pictures I regularly pilfer from these sites..

1. OK.. You've purchased Clear Blinker Lenses for your bike, but they came with Amber bulbs giving you the scrambled egg effect rather than the sleek clear look you were hoping for... So what to do rather than cry like a Michael Landon?? StealthAuto has what you want with their Chrome/Mirror Signal Bulbs. Their 1156 bulbs are exact fit for the rear turn signal pods on any K1200RS. The front bulbs are technically 1056 bulbs, which have their little prongs slightly offset from each other instead of 180, but they still fit -- just takes a little wiggling. They're not cheap, but they look great. If you don't see what you want.. Just call them..

2. For those of you wanting a HARD on but have been unable to get your hands on one... Here's some good news... Just spoke with Aaron at LegalSpeeding.com.. makers of the HARD Radar Detector Warning Lights. As you may recall.. he pulled those off the market over a year ago to redesign to make them better, last longer, etc... (and you know we all want a longer lasting HARD on...) I asked when the new version would be available and he said... "Re the next gen HARD System, we have been in beta testing for the last few weeks and all looks good to have it out in June when I return from Americade. Probably won't have the fancy packaging done but I will have a system that prevents my fellow spirited riders from getting tickets. And let's face it, that is what it is all about, not paying the Man."

3. Hands going numb while riding? If you looking for some vibration dampening from your crappy factory BMW grips.. here's an alternative to those fat foam Grip Puppies or aftermarket grips which necessitate cutting off your factory grips... Check out Grip Buddies.. a neoprene sleeve. Grip Buddies go over your factory grips and attach via velcro on the underside.. Truly a chimp-easy install and they work great with electric grips. We'll be testing these shortly for an upcoming newsletter. Thinking about adding them to our product line.. Opinions welcome..

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. Been wanting to replace the stock windscreen on the BMW K1600GT or K1600GTL with something shorter? For a sleeker, sexier look? Look no further than this offering from the good people at Cee Bailey's! Pirates Lair now offers their 18" K1600GT/GTL Sport Shield which is 2" shorter than stock shield and available in Clear or a Light Gray tint. Cee Bailey's replacement shields (according to them) perform better than the originals and that's just the beginning. First, they lowered the center point and eliminated the geometric & hexagon shapes. They also filled in and tapered the sides for a more stylish look. In addition, they filled in the upper flat spots for better clarity and finally they straightened out the curved shape at the top for better optics. Our first shipment just arrived!

2. Bags Connection just released their second generation Daypack II Tankbag and we have them. The new version designated "Evo" is the same size as the previous gen version.  The one major difference for this bag is the ability to use the optional gadget mount. If you're looking for a sleek, smallish tank bag for your late model BMW.. this be the one, mates.

Evo Daypack II Tankbag

3. We just found out that the Ducati Pit Bull Stands we've been selling for the 1198 and 1098 will also fit the new 1199 Panigale. Sweet!!! BTW.. I spent some time on one of these this last weekend...The bike.. not the stand. Impressive. I still have an erection..

4. Although the loyal and quasi-loyal readers of my cheesy Pirates Lair newsletters read it here first months ago... Backroads Magazine is featuring my article.. 30,000 Miles On The Blue Ridge Parkway... Yet Another Pirate's Tale in their June 2012 Issue. .. It chronicles my decades old love affair with the BR parkway..

5. We've been selling American Machine K1200RS, K1200GT bar risers and peg lowering kits for years.. We're still in shock that they recently closed their doors. When we heard the news I called them and bought up all the stock we could afford. As of today, we have already run out of the AmMa K1200RS Bar Risers and we have only a few AmMa GT risers left.. On a whim, I fired off an email to them the other day and asked if they had anything left on the shelves and in fact.. they did... (12) K1200RS/GT Peg Lowering Kits... Sweet!!This last shipment just arrived.. Get them while they last. Last call.

6. Scuffing up your K1600GT or GTL's gas tank with your knees and jacket? Sliding forward when coming to a stop? Your wife sliding off the bike during late night garage sex? If you want grip AND protection.. we got your back. The K16 TechSpec Gripster Tank Grips are in production and we'll have them any day! The peel-n-stick material is a rubber product 125" thick with a low profile diamond grip pattern to help increase the coefficient of friction. Each (5) piece kit includes R & L Grip Skins and three tank protector panels. As you can see by the pic at right... they even look sheik.

7. As our source for quick shift assist extension pieces (for the K1300S peg lowering kits we sell) .. Evoluzione.. went out of biz a few months ago, we've been scrambling to find another source.. After our extensive quest failed, I decided to have our machinists produce some for us.. The good news is.. we now have those in package kits for our Verholen K1300S Peg Lowering Kits and the remaining Evoluzione K1300S Peg Relocator Kits. I think we have maybe 14 Evo kits left, BTW.. Cost for the additional piece is a paltry $25 which is included in the combo price..Who loves ya, baby?!

Click Here To See More... If You Dare!

K12 / K13 / K16 Rally Event News : 2012

The 13th Annual I-BMW Deals Gap Rally: October 4-7th, 2012

Where: Fontana Village Resort
Nearest town: Robbinsville, NC
When: October 4th-7th, 2011 [Thur-Sunday]
Reservations: Direct 800.849.2258

20 lodge rooms w/ 2 queen beds/ns: $85+tax - 6 2br cabins with 1 queen and 2 twin beds/kitchen/ns: $120+tax When calling, specify room or cabin. Lodge rooms are in the Garden units with parking outside the door. Cabins will be either the Laurel or Hemlock cabins. Reservations for blocked out rooms will end 45 days prior. Saavy? Be sure to mention i-bmw group when booking.

...and don't forget... Pirates Lair will be offering your choice of either Pirates Lair Plundering hats, Pirates Lair tees, or $25 gift cards to anyone who achieves a "velocity award" while in transit to or from or at the rally itself.. If we don't reward bad behavior... who else will?? Arrrrrrg.

NOTE: I-bmw.com is not an official sponsor of any posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

Be there!!!


How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

Our last contribution
was from Chris Spence of Macon,Ga .. Woohoo! Check out his safety tip # 160 Thx, bro. Could his tip save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

We have no new contributions this month..

Picture at right Courtesy of Sports Illustrated photographer Walter Iooss, Jr. / Model: Ms Melissa Haro

Click For Larger Image.. If You Want a Chub..

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Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues