Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Each month or so, when I deem you are worthy, we put out our cheesy K12 newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW K12RS/GT world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out? If you want to subscribe and have these sent via e-mail to your home or office just let us know at pirate@acelink.net .. otherwise you'll get 90% of it here. Why only 90%? Because I tend to tell the brutal truth as I see it on many issues/products and while I don't mind spewing "my opinion" into your home, office or cell .. I have no desire to slam, insult, or malign any company, individual, competitor in public.. unless they blatantly deserve it.
While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered or meek, amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you look elsewhere for your written info-tainment.
So it is written.. so let it be done....

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: July 2004 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed K12 Riders.... ..A famous (and slightly edited) movie moment...

Wallace: Sons of Scotland!... I am William Wallace!
Soldier: William Wallace is seven feet tall! (hardy laughs amongst the men..)
Wallace: Yes, I have heard! He kills men by the hundreds! And if he were here, he would consume the English with fireballs from his eyes, and bolts of lightning from his arss!
Many laugh--all get the point.
Wallace: I am William Wallace. And my enemies do not go away. I saw our good nobles hanged. My wife... I am William Wallace. And I see a whole army of my countrymen, here in defiance of tyranny. You have come to fight as free men. And free men you are! What will you do with freedom? Will you fight?
Veteran: Two thousand, against ten? We will run--and live!
Wallace: Yes. Fight and you may die. Run and you will live, at least awhile. And dying in your bed many years from now, would you be willing to trade all the days from this day to that, for one change to come back here as young men, and tell our enemies that they make take our lives, and our Cheesy Pirates Lair Newsletters, but they will never take our freedom!

William Wallace / Mel Gibson - - Braveheart / 1996

Yes, it's time again. Time to invade your limited personal space and clutter your in-box along with all the cheap meds ads, but with the quasi-noble intent of informing you of what's new in the BMW K1200RS/GT community and... at Pirates' Lair.
Biltmore Rally: "Shaka.. When the Walls Fell...." My Public Apology

Months, ago when I heard that the Biltmore would be hosting the Ride the Ridge BMW Rally, I started promoting the event both verbally and telepathically to the hundreds of friends and customers I speak to weekly AND in this...our monthly international newsletter. I honestly thought that such a first rate operation as the Biltmore Estate would put on the "mother of all motorcycle rally's" with it's ideal, scenic location, friendly staff, and wonderful nearby roads. Geeezzz. was I wrong. I've had prostate exams that were more fun. I would like to publicly apologize to anyone who took my advice that this was a must-do event.

Not only am I embarrassed that I promoted such a failure, but I am angry at everyone responsible. And speaking of those responsible...if you paid the exorbitant $50 to attend the "Rob the Rider"..er.. "Ride the Ridge Rally" and would like to vent your wordage/comments to the designated verbal abuse taker at the Biltmore... call Mr. Tatham at 828.274.6200..or address your feedback to:

Biltmore Estate
Attn: Travis Tatham
One North Pack Square
Asheville, NC 28801-340


News From the Front: Dragon Territory Warning/ Deals Gap.. Contributed by the quasi--esteemed Mike Akard

"Expect a MAJOR crackdown on the TN side of The Dragon this summer. Blount County and TN Troopers are setting multiple speed traps. They issued 29 citations Saturday morning. Passing on double yellow, speeding, and reckless driving among the charges. Local newspaper (Sunday AM) reports plans for significant increase in patrols throughout the summer months following a barrage of accidents last weekend and recent death(s). Today it was raining at Chilhowee lake and the County Mounties left the area around 2:00pm. We met 5 cruisers on our way in on 129 from 411. NONE of them had their RADAR turned ON....my V1 gave NO WARNING!!!!!! Please consider warning ALL your faithful following to BE CAREFUL and make a cautious check-run before exceeding the 30mph limit on the TN side. Since there is no practical entrance for TN authorities on the NC side, all one needs to do is take a relaxed ride up to the NC line from the TN side and back down to the lake prior to any attempts to tame that beast. Worth the time and effort to prevent any unpleasant encounters with those pesky patrols. As always, gotta watch out for "the Man" cause he's certainly watching out for you! "

National Ride To Work Day

Motorcyclist's 13th annual Ride to Work Day is Wednesday, July 21st. The worldwide event involves hundreds of thousands of individual commuting riders and scores of organized rider groups. Participation in the yearly demonstration is estimated to triple the number of riders on the road.
According to the Ride to Work nonprofit advocacy organization, "Ride to Work Day reveals that motorcyclists come from all walks of life, work in all occupations, and range in age from teenagers to grandparents." The "Toothless" American Motorcyclist Association and many other worldwide rider organizations actively encourage all motorcyclists to ride their cycles to work as a grassroots demonstration on the third Wednesday in July each year.

The Ride to Work nonprofit advocacy program can be reached at: POB 1072, Proctor, Minnesota, 55810 USA. Ride to Work Day Participating Countries include: Germany, Philippines, England, Israel, Turkey, Ecuador, United States, and many others.

For more information about Ride to Work Day visit http://www.ridetowork.org/ or call 218.722.9806.
Contact persons:
- Christine Holt: cholt@ridetowork.org
- Andy Goldfine: agoldfine@ridetowork.or

Note From Der Furor... Vic at http://www.i-bmw.com/

Good day I-BMW.com faithful :)

Wanted to assure that all previously registered patrons are experiencing similar (and FASTER) site throughput. If you are experiencing problems entering the site or your user experience has been compromised, we want to hear about it! (mailto:webmaster@i-bmw.com ).

Events to look forward to?
- Stay tuned for a MUCH more slick UBB Threads version 6.3 user interface in upcoming weeks.
- Member # 4000. ( done )
- A completely separate K1200S forum.
- Continued fun, frivolity & collaboration.

Thanks again for your patience & for your overall support! Added thanks to Andy, Randy & Jeff!
http://www.i-bmw.com/ , the ultimate Sport-Touring portal!

Vic S

What's new in the K1200RS/GT News...aka.. the No Wheel-Spin Zone

1. Speaking of Deals Gap.. Did you know that there is a local photographer called Killboy that films and sells stills and videos of people running the Dragon? I didn't either, but he's carved out a little niche for himself and appears to make a living off of it... Check out his website at www.killboy.com/ He's even got a link on his website of a Real-Time view from Look Rock in the Great Smoky Mountains National Park Very cool!!

2. Up until a couple of weeks ago, it was unknown as to whether the Rhinewest Chip was compatible with the ZTechnik Exhaust System... Rhinewest didn't know and I had never heard of anyone who had wanted to gamble the $400 to find out... until now.. This feedback just in.. (pasted with permission..)

"Installed the RW Chip last night. The difference is evident as soon as the bike was fired up..........crisper response. I left the K&N in just to see how it would work. It seemed to make sense that if the exhaust is allowing more air to exit, that the engine should be allowed to breath. Seems to work well. No noticeable issues.

So it appears that I can report after putting about 50KM on it tonight that the combination of the K&N, ZTechnik exhaust and RW chip is a winning combination. The bike pulls noticeably stronger right from the bottom end to red line. The sound is addictive.........kind of like a 4 cyl Nissan racing engine if you have ever heard one of those. It has a wicked growl. I found that I don't run it to red line as much and usually run it at higher RPM just to hear the engine.
Bottom line is that I would recommend this combination for sound and performance. The price is a bit high but if something works well, price is only one of the factors to pump into the equation. Thanks for your help on this Jerry and Amber."

Bob Moore / Alberta Canada

3. Vic and the gang at http://www.i-bmw.com/ , the best fargin' K12 chat site on earth, present company included, just completed some site upgrades (see blurb above) and things seem faster than ever. Thanks guys!! Hope everyone remembers that it takes a lot of work... time and money to keep sites like his up and running. It doesn't just happen. Don't forget Vic accepts PayPal donations to offset his operating costs.. If you'd like to show your appreciation...just look for the little paypal button at the bottom of the I-BMW page....and in case anyone is wondering.. No.. we do NOT receive kickbacks from Vic for mentions of his site, not that I'm above that. We/I support his site because it DESERVES to be supported.. It is the single best source for K12 information the the Milky Way Galaxy. Vic, in spite of his chosen hair style, is a damn good guy to make it happen.

4. This just in on a previously mentioned Hardware Kit for installing an Ohlin Steering Damper to any K1200RS/GT/LT. Just heard from the designer that the kits are complete and available. Cost for a complete bolt-on system with Ohlin Steering Damper and mounting hardware is $450.. I have pics if anyone is interested..Like shocks... the factory dampener is good for about 20-25K then it's shot... Like all Ohlin components, the damper is adjustable and re-buildable and only needs to be serviced every 20-50K You deserve the best? or do you? Here it is...

5. There will be a US made Short Shift Kit on the market any day now. Well.. that's what they told us a month ago... Cost will be an estimated $160 with no core charges or modifications necessary. Just bolt on on and shift like the best Japanese bikes. .. Much less than what www.Verholen.de charges. There will be two versions.. One for the 97-2001 models and the other for the 2002+ models. If you have one of these kits on your bike (like I do) you know how big a difference it makes..My K12 now shifts quicker than my MV Agusta F4! Details to come..

What's new at Pirates' Lair?

We just started carrying complete PIAA Sport Touring Light Kits featuring the 1100X PIAA Powersports Lamps (these are the round ones made specifically for motorcycles..) custom mounting brackets for both early and late model K12's, wiring harness (with relay), handlebar mounted switch, and mounting hardware for your RS or GT. Instructions even a Morlock could follow.

2. Our sacred quest is over! No.. not the one relating to Michelle Pfifer's panties...the one concerning Carbon Fiber. After a 3 year worldwide search and a few thousand dollars pissed away to no less than 4 different manufacturers that failed to produce them for us.. we will soon have Carbon Fiber Front Fenders. I can die happy.. even without the aforementioned panties tucked ever so neatly inside my pillow case.. The Austrian import has a perfect pattern match for the Pyramid Huggers we import from the UK which is cool. Weighing in at just a few ounces, these are as light as mountain air and a perfect fit for every model year K1200RS, the K1200GT, and the R1150R. First order is in transit.

3. We have not announced it publicly yet, but our next project is a Stealth backrest for the new R1200GS.

We called BMW early this week to order a rear factory GS bracket off the bike to work with and were told that NONE are in the states. The bike is so new.. no parts are in inventory in the US... however... (as fate would have it...) a 1200GS arrived in Santa Cruz with a scratched up rear bracket and the dealer has agreed to send us that one at BELOW cost for our project while he waits on a replacement from the motherland... Sounds like destiny. If anyone is interested in testing a prototype backrest...let me know and I'll put your name on a most holy list.

4. Our new Classifieds Section is up!!..Use it well, my fellow plundering mates.. Buy/Sell/Trade to your hearts content. ..and we expect nothing in return.. except perhaps just a little freakin' respect and/or gratuitous photo's featuring bikes and nude women....or just the women. Very sorry it took us so long to get another up after our previous version was disconnected without notice by the rat bastages at Everyone.Net

5. We now have Lite Blazer License Plate Frames on the menu in our lighting accessory section. Web page is not up as we don't have any pictures of the kit on a K12.. If you or someone you know has pictures (preferably in focus) of a Lite Blazer Kit installed on a K12RS or GT, we will give them a FREE Pirates' Lair HAT for it/them.. FYI.. this is a black license plate frame that has 3 rows of LED's along the bottom. The outer two rows of lights will be solid red running lights .. when the brakes are applied the center section will become a flashing brake light. These are made my the same people who manufacture both Lite Buddy's and Run-N-Lites so I expect similar world class quality AND excellent customer service.

6. The new Pirates' Lair Hats are almost ready...We have approved the final design.. waiting for final sample. Wearing one of the new hats will guarantee that you will have longer, spine tingling sex or your money back...Note: Guarantee does not apply to married men.

7. We have prototype kits being tested as we speak of our own..( drum roll please, Carl Palmer)... K12RS/GT Headlight Protector Kits Unlike the other kits on the market that are hard plastic attached via velcro, our kit is an adhesive backed vinyl with a laminated acrylic coating. We are assured that it will withstand a pellet rifle shot from 20 feet with absolutely no damage to the lens! and best of all.. it will not alter the appearance of the godawful expensive headlight. Our kit is optically clear, treated not to yellow, and pre-cut to fit your K12RS or GT. Spray positioning liquid is included. Absolutely invisible when on the bike.. as it should be. If feedback is positive, will have them available within 2 weeks. Testing one on my bike as we speak...


Rally News/Info: Down The Road: 2004 /

The 5th Annual Deals Gap K12 Rally will again be at the Tapoco Lodge on Sep 30th - Oct 3rd, 2004. As we did in 2003, Fontana Village and the Microtel Inn will be able to handle overflow. When contacting Tapoco about lodging mention K12RS BMW, or they may say they are full when actually it's reserved for "us". 828.498.2435 or 800.822.5083. Also.. you can try the San Ran Motel in Robbinsville at 828.479.3256. It's a mom & pop operation right next door to the Wendys. Clean and bike friendly. This will be the last K12 Rally of the year and probably the biggest... be there or have a damn good excuse!!

The 2005 Hill Country Rally has already been scheduled for the following dates... April 7-10 No other information is available at this time, but I would surmise that it will be in the aging...er.. skillful hands of Serena William's former tennis coach, Barry Gibbs. Stay tuned..

How to Survive On Your Motorcycle Tips
We have a new safety tip contributed by the quasi-esteemed MW in San Jose/CA on our How To Survive on a Motorcycle Page
Will it save your life? or make you safer? or cure pattern balding? Look and see.. it's # 69
Feel free to print out our tips and freely distribute them to the squidly masses.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and I'll add it on.. Remember.. we're all in this together.. so use deodorant.

Guess that smells like the end... Take care.. ride safe...best wishes for a cool summer...see you in my mirrors..

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues