Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around every other month, when I deem you are worthy, we post our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

Warning: While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, liberal, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment.

FYI.. If you'd like to be notified when each new newsletter is posted, just email me with your request and I'll make that happen. Our email database is 100% secure. Stored in a lock box formerly owned by Al Gore. Never shared or sold to third parties. Never perused by the NSA. Your name and email address will be safe with us into infinity and beyond.

Prepare to be boarded!

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: May / June 2014 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the month.....

There is a general whoop and hubbub as Little Bill turns back to his conversation at the bar with Charley, Fatty, Clyde, Andy and WW Beauchamp. He's giving orders and making plans as to how they'll divide up into 4 parties an' hit all the farms an' trails in a circle. Little Bill is suddenly conscious of his own loud voice in a sudden silence that has swept the bar like a brush-fire and turning he sees what everybody is staring at Munny, with his ten-gauge shotgun leveled from the shoulder, is standing thirty feet away in the doorway. Taking a couple of sideways steps to get the door from behind his back and sweeping the twin barrels in an ominous arc, he surveys the scene

Will Munny: Who's the fellow owns this shithole? [pause]
Will Munny: You, fat man. Speak up.
Skinny Dubois: Uh, I... I own this establishment. I bought the place from Greeley for a thousand dollars.
Will levels the shotgun, and speaks to someone standing behind Skinny
Will Munny: You better clear outta there.
Man: Yes, sir. [scampers out of the way]
Skinny looks from side to side as people step away from him and he wants to say something desperately, he wants to live, he wants...
Little Bill: Just hold it right there. Hold it...!
BAH-WHOOM! Munny fires and smoke belches. .Skinny is blown back against the wall and falls to the floor a bloody mess. Little Bill is reaching for the Spencer which is leaning against the bar near his leg but he freezes. Munny has turned the shotgun on him. Munny sees Ned's Spencer there and his eyes show how he feels about it. For a moment while the smoke clears the bar is silent and there are nervous glances cast at the bloody body of Skinny but Little Bill keeps his eyes on Munny. Screaming, the women scatter upstairs.
Little Bill: Well, sir, you are a cowardly son of a bitch! You just shot an unarmed man!
Will Munny: Well, he should have armed himself if he's going to decorate his saloon with my friend.
Little Bill: You'd be William Munny out of Missouri. Killer of women and children and reader of the Cheesy Pirates Lair Newsletter.
Will Munny: That's right. I've killed women and children and read that cheesy newsletter. I've killed just about everything that walks or crawled at one time or another. And I'm here to kill you, Little Bill,... for what you did to Ned.

William "Bill" Munny .. Clint Eastwood / Little Bill Daggett.. Gene Hackman .... The Unforgiven 1992

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Picture Of The Month! Bow Lake, Banff National Park, Canada! (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our March/April POTM was contributed by Mike Horn (aka K13Mike over at I-BMW.com) of Calgary, Alberta., Canada. He says of the shot... "The photo was taken at Bow Lake in Banff National Park. It is approx 100km/60mi, north of Banff townsite along Hwy 93. I used a Nikon D5000 with a Nikon 18-200 f/3.5-5.6 DX lens. I lightened the shadows and sharpened slightly with photoshop to bring out the detail of the black motorcycle against the bright background. It is hard to shoot a black bike outdoors. The mountain in the background is Crowfoot Mountain named after the glacier of the same name on its northeastern flank.. It was Sat. July 27th 2013, the perfect day for a spur of the moment 600km solo day ride. (I think I was avoiding cleaning up the dog crap in my back yard). Even being a local who has ridden or driven that road many times, the scenic beauty is always as overwhelming and inspiring as it was the first time through."

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of a BMW K1200S, K1300S, K1200RS, K1200R, R Sport, S1000RR, K1600GT, GTL, or any model year K1200GT or K1300GT and B. In focus. C. No GS's for Gods sake.

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First Look : The New Kid On The Block: BMW S1000F Sport Tourer

Everyone in the BMW world has been speculating as to what BMW has up their unpredictable German sleeves as a replacement for the K1300S which we keep hearing is about to be discontinued. I'd been thinking that the S1000RR would be a perfect platform for a sport tourer ...lighter, faster, better handling, proven engine, etc..but BMW rarely thinks like I do. Of course many would miss the shaft drive and weird-o-rama front end of the K series bikes, but wouldn't a light-weight sport tourer be uber-wonderful?? It's clear now that Ducati isn't gonna fill this niche.. and the new MV Agusta sport-tourer looks as tasty as warm dog shit on wheat crackers.. and the Triumph Trophy, while a great motorcycle.. is kinda fugly... Maybe BMW will do for the sport touring crowd what they did to the sport bike world.. Turn it on it's ear. They seem to be making a lot of smart moves as of late.

There are a lot of spy photos floating around of an upcoming BMW sport-tourer. Some look pretty good... some not so much. Here's a spy-photo we found on the www. Expect the new BMW S1000F to sport the same sophisticated electronics as the S1000RR .. ie.. . electronic ride-by-wire, suspension DDC (Dynamic Dumping Control System) that made its debut on the BMW HP4, traction control, ABS, and a variety of engine maps considering it would be handling varied terrain just like the Ducati Multistrada. Unlike the S1000RR the "F" will have visually symmetrical headlights. Perhaps God does listen to my prayers. Perhaps.. just perhaps a light-weight, uber-powerful sport-tourer is about to become a reality. We shall see. Details to come..

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They're Baaaack!.. Wilbers Shocks Back On the Menu!

A fleeting few of our loyal customers... those who didn't piss away their short term memories by smoking weed and doing mescaline back in the 60's and 70's and 80's and 90's...er.. what was I saying???.. o yea.. they will remember that we used to carry Wilbers Shocks. Wonderful product. Fully rebuildable.. Full 5 year warranty. Serviced in the USA. Ohlin's #1 competition. The stuff of German legends. We sold the beejeesus out of them, but at some point we had to discontinue the product line due to some company reorganization or legal issues or global warming.. Something catastrophic. I honestly don't recall due to the aforementioned memory loss.

Last week apparently all the planets realigned as we heard from our old supplier asking if we'd be willing to pick them back up.. Sweet! As we get lots of requests for shocks and I hate turning away customers (and their money,) I immediately jumped at the chance. As of this writing, I'm working on the new web pages for the entire Wilbers product line.

When we go live with the new pages this week we'll start with Wilbers for the 1998-2004 BMW K1200RS and 2002-2004 K1200GT and 1999 and later K1200LT. Most of those bikes are already in need of shocks and we're more than happy to make that happen. Next we'll have them for the K1200S.. Remember.. if your oem shocks have 35-40K+ on them, they are toast. As useless as Joe Biden at a Mensa conference. Is your bike feeling kinda old and lazy in the turns? Are you blowing lines that you remember effortlessly nailing in the past? We feel your pain.. Time for new shocks. Period. And we'll be there for you with full packages and support..

What's New In the BMW No-Spin Zone

I should note that as the K1200RS and first generation K1200GT have been discontinued, I receive less and less news of any new products for them.. I mention this as a few semi-loyal subscribers have accused me of abandoning our roots.. Not true.. I only report what's going on.. Don't shoot the messenger.. I will NEVER abandon the K1200RS crowd. It appears that the times.. they are a changin.' Deal with it. Also.. a special thx to www.I-BMW.com, www.K-Bikes.com , and www.BMWK1200S.com for the information & pictures I regularly pilfer from these sites..

1.Was speaking with our Staintune rep last night re a new order I was placing.. He casually mentioned that after all these years, they were discontinuing the K1200RS full exhaust system as of this week. We both agreed it had been a good run. I didn't ask why they made the decision.. I'm guessing the reason is low demand due to the high retail price.. Their posted price was as high as $2400 a year ago. We've been selling them at $2200US. That price even makes my bum bleed.  Why the high price? The Aussie dollar is currently low against the US dollar and the cost of stainless steel has gone though the roof over the last few years making the Staintune almost double what their last remaining competition is... ie.. the Remus.

For what it's worth.. I've been selling Staintune exhausts for all the BMW's (and many lessor brands) for over 12 years now....and hands down. the best sounding is the Staintune K1200RS kit... Simply music to the ears.. Sad to see it go.....End of an era. As of this writing.. they are all gone.

2. Good news if you're an Oklahoman. BMW of Oklahoma City is reopening on 4/1/14! and yes.. Same location as they were under the previous management.

3. For S1000RR owners who have been experiencing "false neutral" issues... there's a very good thread over at the www.S1000RRForum.com on the subject including some viable fixes..

4. A Canadian BMW dealer told me the K1300R is NOT in the line up for Canada in 2014!! However.. it looks like it will be sold in Europe for at least one more year.

5. Lots of new I-BMW rally news below... Newly listed are the 2014 Texas Hill Country, Deals Gap, Rocky Mountain, KHCR, and Blue Ridge Parkway rallies. Details and dates in the "rally" section below. Hope to see you at at least one of them. .. in my mirrors....And don't forget... Pirates Lair will be offering your choice of either Pirates Lair Plundering hats, Pirates Lair tees, or $25 gift cards to anyone who achieves a "velocity award" while in transit to or from or at any I-BMW rally.. If we don't reward bad behavior... who else will?? Arrrrrrg.

6. One of our own, Morris Maduro... an I-BMW poster and regular rally attendee is about to open up a motorcycle rental shop in sunny Kaleefornia.. ie... EagleRider San Francisco BMW & Honda Motorcycle Rental.. I think he said he was a few weeks from being 100% operational. For now you can visit his Facebook page or his web site. He'll be renting all kinds of bikes.. BMW, Can-Am, Indian, Honda, Harleys, scooters, etc and as best I can tell.. at very reasonable prices.. Details to come in our next cheese filled newsletter. Congrats, Mo!

7. Here's a nice write up guaranteed to er.. shed some light on the subject... .HID vs. LED Auxiliary Lights - Illuminating the Differences

8. If you've been wanting aftermarket LED blinkers on the back of your K1300R.. Here's one option from the BMW Motorrad Store One of our customers installed them and said... " these LED indicators are plug and play, and they do not need any recalibration/reflashing etc. You unplug/unscrew the old indicators, and just replace them with these. No error codes, or anything like that. Taking my time, it took about 30 mins to change them both, and that's because threading the cables into the tail unit needed double jointed fingers half the size of my fat fingers! They fit with the Sport Panniers with no clearance issues, and the blinking rate is perfect too!" Cost for all (4) looks to be around $165US + shipping...

BMW LED turn signal set for BMW K1300R

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. If you own a BMW K1200R or K1200R Sport and have been looking for a Carbon Fiber Bellypan... you've probably discovered that there's not much out there.. Until now.. Check out this new for 2014 piece from Pyramid Plastics. If you thought your only options were those butt ugly metal abominations or painted fiberglass... you were wrong, bukko! I love the flowing, curvaceous design which, IMHO softens the rough edged look of the bike. No mods necessary. Simple bolt on. We now have them listed on our menu as a special order item.

2. We have started working on the new Stealth backrest for the water-cooled 2014 R1200GS. The kit will include an aluminum rack powder-coated a rich black textured finish. Our backrest will slide in and out of it in seconds with no tools. We'll offer two seating positions. It will NOT fit the Adventure version GS. It's gonna be sweet, I tell ya!! I'm getting a lot of requests. If all goes as planned it'll be on the market early summer. If you'd like your name on my notification list let me know and I'll email you with updates as the project progresses. Email me here.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

3. Speaking of backrests... one of the products that put Pirates Lair on the intergalactic map... our K1200RS Stealth Backrest will soon be discontinued. I must have sold 9000+ of them since 1999. Sales have slowed to a trickle and our original mold, like Keith Richard's spleen, is simply worn out. To produce another one simply isn't financially feasible.. An end of an era, indeed.

4. As per the blurb above... The K1200RS Staintune Exhaust has been discontinued. They had (1) left last week. As of this writing... only Remus still produces a full exhaust for the venerable sport-tourer.

5. In case you suffer from ADD and/or missed the blurb on top... Pirates lair will soon be carrying the entire Wilbers Shocks product line..starting with the 1998-2004 BMW K1200RS and 2002-2004 K1200GT and 1999-05 K1200LT. Details to come..

6. Speaking of exhausts.. we just got notification from Remus that we can start taking orders for their 2014 BMW R Nine T exhausts. We will have Slip-On and Full Systems (in Carbon Fiber or Titanium) available by late spring/beginning of summer! We also have options for expedited shipping from REMUS in Austria if you can't wait that long! Email me here for details. Click for larger image at right..

7. Lots of new I-BMW rally news below... Newly listed are the 2014 Texas Hill Country, Deals Gap, Rocky Mountain, KHCR, and Blue Ridge Parkway rallies. Details and dates in the "rally" section below. Hope to see you at at least one of them. .. in my mirrors.

Click for larger image

I-BMW Rally Event News : 2014
NOTE: I-bmw.com is not an "official" sponsor of any of the following posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

2014 Blue Ridge Parkway I-BMW.com Rally: May 1-4th, 2014 NEW!

Where: Wattstull Inn, just north of Buchanan, Virginia
When: May 1st thru 4th, 2014 (arrive Thursday May 1, leave Sunday May 4)

Call Wattstull Inn for reservations.
540-254-1551 / Mention: i-bmw group
SPECIFY ROOM TYPE - single, double, king.. / Rooms are $70 per night plus tax

Blue Ridge Parkway info and maps can be found here and here

Alternate Lodging (info only) : Super 8 – Bedford or Days Inn – Bedford or Peaks of Otter Lodge

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The 2nd Annual I-BMW Rocky Mountain Rally: July 20 through July 23, 2014 New!

Where: Quality Inn of Gunnison
Nearest town: Gunnison, Colorado
When: July 20 through July 23, 2013
Reservations: 970-641-1237

Our base of operations will again be the Quality Inn of Gunnison, which is located at 400 E. Tomichi Ave (also known as U.S. 50) in Gunnison. They are currently taking reservations for a block of rooms that are reserved for us. I encourage you to make you reservations early (like now), and to mention that you are with the BMW Motorcycle Group in order to get the rate of $95 plus tax per night (down from their advertised $119 + tax). Most of the rooms have two queen-sized beds, but there are also some available with one king or one queen. A hot breakfast is included. Here is a link to the motel's website

Cancellation Policy: If you call as late as the day before (24 hours) you are supposed to arrive, they will not charge your card. Also, in case of a family emergency or hospitalization, you could call the day you're due to arrive and they would also not charge your card. And I also confirmed with them that if you make the reservation and tell them that you want to arrive earlier or stay later than the Sunday to Wednesday time frame, they will give you the $95 rate for all the days that you are there.

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2014 I-BMW KHCR: Aug. 7-10th, 2014 New!

Where: Blue Licks Battlefield State Park
Address: 10299 Maysville Rd, Carlisle, KY 40311
Nearest town: Maysville, Ky
When: Aug. 7, 8, 9 and 10 (Arrive on Thur, play Fri and Sat and depart Sun)
Reservations: 800 443-7008

The room rates for the I-BMW Kentucky Hill Country Rally are 69.95 Thursday and 89.95 Fri and Sat. For reservations call 800 443-7008. There is a restaurant on the grounds. The rooms will be held until July 7. The site is roughly 15 miles South of Maysville Ky on us 68. It is 42 miles North of Lexington Ky on us 68. It is 78 miles East of Cincinnati Ohio. 114 miles East of Louisville Ky and 104 miles West of Huntington W.Va. Ridge land abounds with nice roadways and long views.

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The 15th Annual I-BMW Deals Gap Rally: October 2-5th, 2014 NEW!

Where: Fontana Village Resort
Nearest town: Robbinsville, NC
When: October 2nd-5th, 2014 [Thur-Sunday]
Reservations: Direct 800.849.2258

Geezz. Have we been doing this for 14 years? I've had marriages that didn't last that long. I have negotiated the same room prices for 2014 as last year. Rooms w/ 2 queen beds/ns: $85+tax - 6 2br cabins with 1 queen and 2 twin beds/kitchen/ns: $159+tax. Call 800-849-2258 option 1. (If you are booking a room, remember to request the main lodge.) Cabins will be Azalea cabins. Reservations for blocked out rooms will end 45 days prior. Saavy? Be sure to mention i-bmw group when booking. Amber and I will be there. Neither of us will be wearing panties.

...and don't forget... Pirates Lair will be offering your choice of either Pirates Lair Plundering hats, Pirates Lair tees, or $25 gift cards to anyone who achieves a "velocity award" while in transit to or from or at the rally itself.. If we don't reward bad behavior... who else will?? Arrrrrrg.

Be there!!!

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How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have no new contributions this month. Our last safe riding tip # 163 was sent in by Dwight Manuel of Asheville, NC!
Thx, bro. Could his tip save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

We have a new contribution this month.. Check out
How-To Install a Booster-Plug on BMW K1300S contributed by K13Mike (a regular poster over at I-BMW.com) of Calgary, Alberta., Canada

Courtesy of Sports Illustrated photographer Walter Iooss, Jr. / Model: Ms Melissa Haro

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues