Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around the 1st or 15th of each month, when I deem you are worthy, we put out our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

If you want to subscribe and have these sent via e-mail to your home or office just let us know at pirate@acelink.net .. otherwise you'll get 95% of it here. Why only 95%? Because I tend to tell the brutal truth as I see it on many issues/products and while I don't mind spewing "my opinion" into your home, office or cell, I have no desire to slam, insult, or malign any company, individual, competitor in public.. unless they blatantly deserve it.

While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment. So it is written.. so let it be done....

Prepare to be boarded!

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: November 2011

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the month.....

Josey: You be Ten Bears?
Ten Bears: I am Ten Bears.
Josey: (he slowly leans over and spits tobacco) I'm Josey Wales.
Ten Bears: I have heard. You're the Gray Rider. You would not make peace with the Blue Coats. You may go in peace.
Josey: I reckon not. Got nowhere to go.
Ten Bears: Then you will die.
Josey: I came here to die with you. Or live with you. Dying ain't so hard for men like you and me, it's living that's hard; when all you ever cared about has been butchered or raped. Governments don't live together, people live together. With governments you don't always get a fair word or a fair fight. Well I've come here to give you either one, or get either one from you. I came here like this so you'll know my word of death is true. And that my word of life is then true. The bear lives here, the wolf, the antelope, the Comanche. And so will we. Now, we'll only hunt what we need to live on, same as the Comanche does. And every spring when the grass turns green and the Comanche moves north, he can rest here in peace, butcher some of our cattle and jerk beef for the journey. The sign of the Comanche, that will be on our lodge. That's my word of life.
Ten Bears: And your word of death?
Josey: It's here in my pistols, there in your rifles. I'm here for either one.
Ten Bears: These things you say we will have, we already have.
Josey: That's true. I ain't promising you nothing extra. I'm just giving you life and you're giving me life. And I'm saying that men can live together without butchering one another.
Ten Bears: It's sad that governments are chiefed by the double-tongues. There is iron in your word of death for all Comanche to see. And so there is iron in your words of life. No signed paper can hold the iron, except for perhaps the Cheesy Pirates Lair Newsletter... It must come from men. The words of Ten Bears carries the same iron of life and death. It is good that warriors such as we meet in the struggle of life... or death. It shall be life. (he takes his knife and cuts his hand. Josey does the same and they grasp each others hand.) So shall it be.

Josie .. Clint Eastwood / Ten Bears ..Will Sampson /.. The Outlaw Josey Wales 1976

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Picture Of The Month! Scenic Northern Scotland! (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our November POTM was contributed by photographer extrordinaire and purveyor of www.Sport-Touring.eu .. Gijs van Dijk .. aka ‘Mo'Gas’ of the Netherlands. He says of his contribution .."This shot was taken late afternoon at Dunnet Head, the most Northern part of Scotland, essentially between John O’Groats in the East and Thurso in the West. It is showing the view from the cliff due east, towards John O’Groats. It was a dry and beautiful day, just a little chilly at around 45-50F and with threatening but harmless clouds all day. The roads are absolutely magnificent and quiet and the views, like all over Scotland, jaw dropping.The bikes in both photos are my R1100S and my K1200S. I was riding the K1200S myself, and a good friend visiting from the US was riding my R1100S. We had an absolutely ball the two weeks we have been riding there. "

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of a BMW K1200S or K1300S, K1200RS, K1200R, R Sport, S1000RR, K1600GT, or any model year K1200GT or K1300GT and B. In focus.

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2011 I-BMW.com Sierra Goldrush Rally: Did It Make You Wet?! (Promoted by www.I-BMW.com )

The 4th annual west coast I-BMW.com rally ..aka. the 2011 Sierra Goldrush Rally was another roaring success although there was some serious (read: Biblical) rain. Even still.. I wish I had been there. Unfortunately, .. those idiots in Washington have kinda skewered my foreseeable travel plans so the California rally is off my radar for a while. If you missed it you should be kicking yourself in the cajones (not an easy thing to do) as I hear it was again.. one fun event..

Having attended the first years rally, I can wholeheartedly say that California roads do not disappoint..They have some of the best roads in the country. Scenic vistas, mountain lakes, gigantic trees, hobbits, wizards, gays, and the wonderful smells of riding at high altitude.. Amazing.

Thx to the effervescent Charlie W.. aka Kneedragger (over at I-BMW.com) for stepping up to the plate yet again and making the event a continued success. I've posted all the rally pics I could pilfer from I-BMW in the Pirates Lair Photo Gallery. Look for the album cleverly titled.. the Sierra Gold Rush Rally 2011 Enjoy.

Show me more, Captain!

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2011 I-BMW. com Deals Gap Rally: Fall Colors Rule! (Promoted by www.I-BMW.com )

The 2011 I-BMW.com Deals Gap Rally was again the center of the known universe last week and krikey did I have a great time.. Just a few weeks ago, with all the excess work I've been saddled with under Obamunism,  I was actually thinking about canceling.  The time, the money, the work-load once I get back home. Geezz.. Over the last few years, attendance has been down. Many of the old gang no longer show up and I understand.  Priorities change. Bikes come and go. Money is tight. What was once a 100+ bike event has now turned into a smallish 30-35 person gathering at best.

Over the last 12 years I've made all 12 DGRs and all but 2 or 3 BRPR events. I've made the Texas rally 2 or 3 times and even the SGR rally once before the economy crashed.  I have accumulated some great memories (and speeding tickets) through the years and cultivated some great friendships, but as I've done Deals Gap over a hundred times .. apathy has reared it's balding head....

With that said... this year was different...  I enjoyed this years event as much or more than the previous 11. Yes.. the Fontana Resort is now a great place to stay compared with what it used to be. The recent (and on-going) renovation has made a night and day difference.  The room rates our group got ($85 a night) was unbelievably cheap for this time of year... That was just icing...  I honestly can not remember any better weather for any rally I've ever attended. Also icing.

Show me more, Captain!
However..the reason this years event rocked my world was the timing. The rare October scheduling put us there during the prettiest time of year... at the beginning of the seasonal color change.  Instead of the standard  boring green foliage which is standard fare, this weekend was spectacularly colorful. The colors above 4000ft on the Cherohala was breathtaking!  I hadn't seen such vibrant colors since doing "orange sunshine" at a Blue Oyster Cult concert back in '73. At lower altitudes the colors were just beginning to burst.  For me.. this made the entire event something I'll remember the rest of my life and something to look forward to next year .. I hope. For me.. it's about more than just the riding and fall is my favorite time of year. On Sat (the last day of the rally).. I blew off a lot of group riding just so I could stop, enjoy the views, and take pictures... NEVER done that before at DGR...

Other than crushing the life out of one innocent squirrel gathering nuts for his winter stash and having a run in with a caravan of psychotic Victory Vision Riders (follow the thread here.. but be forewarned.. it gets ugly) ...it was the best time I've had at a rally in years.

Congrats to Dangerous Dave and Michael Brumfield who by achieving well deserved "velocity awards," will receive FREE tees from Pirates Lair. Our humble way of rewarding bad behavior. Dave chose one of the appropriate "I Have a Speeding Problem"  tees donated from our friends at ( LegalSpeeding.com.) Michael will receive either one of our Pirates Lair Plundering tees, one of our Plundering hats, or a Pirates Lair Gift Certificate for $25. Way to go, boyz.

Thx to the absolutely prehistoric Bert Brumfield (over at I-BMW.com) for stepping up to the plate and booking the event. I've posted all the rally pics I could pilfer from I-BMW in the Pirates Lair Photo Gallery. Look for the album cleverly titled.. the Deals Gap Rally 2011. Enjoy.

Lastly.. I am finalizing the deal with the Fontana Resort this week for the 2012 DGR rally which will be held on October 4-7th, 2012. Will make a formal announcement at www.I-BMW.com as soon as the ink is dried on the contract. Be watching for it if you are interested in making reservations...Save a room for me!

Show me more, Captain!

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Pirates Lair Plundering Hats! What To Wear.. Pirate Style!

Just last month, WikiLeaks spilled the beans about our latest limited edition Pirates Lair Plundering Tees. This month we announce our new Pirates Lair Plundering Hats. These are the first hats we've produced in 6 years. Balding? Sunburn easily? Born ugly? Or just want to impress the ladies? Here's a way to protect yourself from the elements while simultaneously gaining our gratitude by supporting the economically pummeled Pirates Lair!

The front of our plundering hats (similar to pic at right) features the Pirates' Lair logo in a very sexy font over authentic clip-art swords for a timeless metro-sexual design. On the back.. our URL under the bold words.. Substance Over Image. If I have to explain what they infer.. you aren't worthy of our hat. You could ask the nearest Harley rider..

Each "Port Authority" brand hat is 100% cotton, unstructured, with a low profile so even if you wad them up in your tank bag or backpack they'll come out relatively unscathed. Each has an adjustable brass closure snap in the back and a nearly 3" long bill. Long enough to satisfy even the most discerning cap aficionado. All the sewing is done in the USA by bona fide, documented Americans.

To make decision making easy, we offer our hats in one stylish color... Dark Charcoal. The material is stone washed and they look damn cool. They are a lighter color than black and darker than gray. Just right for alluding border patrol. And just in time for the holidaze, too! The perfect gift for Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, or that special person's birthday or anniversary. The Pirates Lair Plundering hat... the simple, elegant solution for helmet hair or lack thereof.

I gotta get me one o' these!!

What's New In the K12 / K13 / S1000RR No-Spin Zone

I should note that as the K1200RS and first generation K1200GT have been discontinued, I receive less and less news of any new products for them.. I mention this as a few semi-loyal subscribers have accused me of abandoning our roots.. Not true.. I only report what's going on.. Don't shoot the messenger.. I will NEVER abandon the K1200RS crowd. It appears that the times.. they are a changin.' Deal with it. Also.. a special thx to www.I-BMW.com, www.K-Bikes.com , and www.BMWK1200S.com for the information & pictures I regularly pilfer from these sites..

1. Here's something for all my fellow Reevu Helmet fans out there. The latest version is out now and with some damn fine looking graphics..The RV MSX1 Reevu has been approved by DOT, South American INMETRO, the Australian NBR74:71 test, as well as the British ACU Gold racing certification. LIke the previous version, it has fully interchangeable liners and cheek pads, with tinted visors front and rear. The new version helmet also has the option of two nose guards large and small and is ready to accept blue tooth system. They are offering the new lid at an introductory price of £249 and shipping internationally for ONLY £19.99. In case anyone missed it.. I did a full review of this revolutionary helmet in our July 2010 Cheesy Newsletter. Once you've tried a rear view mirror in a helmet.. it's hard to go back.

2.. Wunderlich America has a new offering for the BMW K1200RS/GT owners looking for alternative handlebars.. Check out their Sportego Bar Conversion Kit w/ Bars The kit replaces the original upper triple clamp with a beautifully machined and anodized part to which the included 22mm handlebar is attached. The handlebar is powder coated silver and it is designed to accept the original BMW heated grips without any drilling or other modifications. Handlebar weights are also included with this kit. Very cool although pricey.

RV MSX1 Reevu Helmet

3. As Rodney Dangerfield always said.. "Things are tough all over." Another BMW dealer bites the dust. Gengras Closing BMW, Triumph Store. Apparently they were loosing money with their BMW line of bikes. It appears that they're keeping Ducati along with their mainstay brand, Harley Davidson.

4. World Superbike 2012: Melandri Signs with BMW! With Troy Corser's contract complete after the 2011 World Superbike Championship, BMW Motorrad confirmed Saturday that the Australian will no longer be on the team. Joining the Brit Leon Haslam on the BMW Motorrad World Superbike team will be Marco Melandri, who competed on the Yamaha Factory Racing team this season. The 29-year-old Italian who took the 2002 250cc MotoGP Championship has signed on for a year aboard the BMW S1000RR.

5. ZTechnik will have VStream Windshields available shortly for both the K1600GTL and the K1600GT!! Woohoo!!. Here's the first look of the standard GT VStream....

6. Word is already out on the 2012 S1000RR.. By the sound of Cycle Worlds latest article– First Ride Throwing Fuel on the Flames. The second generation bike was/is worth the wait.

7. and speaking of the 2012 S100RR... Motorcyclist On-Line Magazine has some juicy details. Also for those who prefer pretty pictures to complicated words.... Here's a link to all 126 photos of the 2012 bike.

8. Looks like American Machine has stopped producing BMW risers and peg lowering kits for the venerable K1200RS and first generation K1200GT... See blurb in next section.

9. Techmount just had an across the board price hike on all their products... .

10. ZTechnik is looking out for the the new K1600GT and K1600GTL.. They just released some sweet looking carbon fiber parts which are interchangeable to both bikes. As of today, they are offering a carbon fiber tank protector, a gas cap cover, and a rear luggage rack trim application. ZTechnik sells to all BMW dealers with the lone exception being.. yep.. you guessed it.. Pirates Lair.

Show me more, Georgie boy.. Show me more!

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. Pirates Lair Closing Their Doors!!! No.. it's not what you think. In case you missed the scrolling red banners, Pirates Lair will be closed for one week starting November 10th-18th for mental renovation. Order/weep accordingly.

2. Pirates Lair now has Shorai Batteries! Shorai makes the world's lightest, longest lasting powersports batteries or so we're told. Sooner or later you're gonna need a battery. It's an inevitable as divorce. I love the fact that these are 1/5th the weight of standard batteries with weight savings up to 8-9 lbs over competing brands. Weight savings on a motorcycle is always hard to come by so this is a major plus. The Shorai BMW Standard battery weighs only 2.2 lbs! Sweet. Another selling point is that according to Shorai, these LFX Lithium batteries do not need to be put on a charger when you let the bike sit for a few months. Lastly.. Shorai offers a full 2 year replacement warranty should something go south.. Simple drop-in replacement. Battery Tender compatible. Could you ask for more??

Show me more!

3. In case you suffer from ADD and have forgotten the earlier blurb... the long awaited Pirates Lair Plundering hats are now in stock...and don't forget our plundering tees and gift cards would make perfect gifts for the holiday season.

4. Hate to be the bearer of bad news but just today I learned that effective immediately we'll not be getting any more American Machine barbacks for the K1200RS or the K1200GT or their Peg Lowering Kits...FYI.. those guys made them exclusively for us. Once our supply is gone.. that's it. 

Very weird situation and I don't want to go into details publicly as even Amber and I can't figure out why they have ceased production. We suspect the brothers that produce them are victims of Obamunism like so many others. Oddly, after selling them exclusively for over 10 years and having a great (we thought) relationship with them.. they really won't tell us anything.. We just got a one sentence email saying that there will be no further shipments even though the demand is still high and we sell the sh#* out of them.. It's perplexing. As of today, we have maybe (20) Peg Lowering kits in stock, maybe (10) K1200GT kits, and only (1) K1200RS riser kit...

We wish Tom and Rick the best of luck in whatever future endeavors lie before them...

5. To soften the blow of the previous bad news... Pirates Lair will be adding Wunderlich products to our menu sometime in early 2012 and guess what!!.. They just so happen to have K1200RS Risers and Foot peg lowering kits. Ahh.. Karma

6. Pirates Lair will be adding Leo Vince exhausts to our menu sometime in early 2012.

7. Effective immediately... the price of every Techmount we sell went to $110... Ain't dat a pisser?!

8. News for the K1600GT / K1600GTL owners out there. We just listed the all new ZTechnik VStream K1600GT / GTL Windshields on our menu. There are 2 new VStream versions. Both look pretty damn good, me thinks. While creating a comfortable ride for the BMW sport touring rider, ZTechnik introduces QUIET into the equation. To create COMFORT, other manufacturers will offer taller windshields and spoiler tops to lift the air stream. ZTechnik designed a windshield with airflow calculated and adjusted to quiet the rider's environment. In addition, VStream windshields are designed with an unprecedented area of protection and an outstanding level of DURABILITY and OPTICAL CLARITY that is only available through the use of lexan polycarbonate. Can you say QUIET? The standard is $265.US & $275.US for the Tall Version. Those should be available in about 2 weeks. These shields are interchangeable to both bikes.

9. As per the blurb above.. ZTechnik is looking out for the the new 16's..We just added their carbon fiber tank protector, a gas cap cover, and a rear luggage rack trim application to our K1600GT and K1600GTL menus.You can see the new goodies here.. Pirates Lair.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

K12 / K13 Rally / Event News : 2012

2012 Blue Ridge Parkway I-BMW.com Rally: May 17-20, 2012

Where: Wattstull Inn, just north of Buchanan, Virginia
When: May 17th thru 20th, 2011 (Thur – Sun)

Call Wattstull Inn for reservations.
540-254-1551 / Mention: i-bmw group
SPECIFY ROOM TYPE - single, double, king.. / Rooms are 68 (ish*) per night plus tax (*2011 rates)

Blue Ridge Parkway info and maps can be found here and here

Alternate Lodging (info only) : Super 8 – Bedford or Days Inn – Bedford or Peaks of Otter Lodge


The 13th Annual I-BMW.com Deals Gap Rally: October 4-7th, 2012

Where: Fontana Village Resort
Nearest town: Robbinsville, NC
When: October 4th-7th, 2011 [Thur-Sunday]
Reservations: Direct 800.849.2258

20 lodge rooms w/ 2 queen beds/ns: $85+tax - 6 2br cabins with 1 queen and 2 twin beds/kitchen/ns: $120+tax When calling, specify room or cabin. Lodge rooms are in the Garden units with parking outside the door. Cabins will be either the Laurel or Hemlock cabins. Reservations for blocked out rooms will end 45 days prior. Saavy? Free Pirates Lair tees to all attendees who get speeding tickets. Woohoo!! Be sure to mention i-bmw group when booking.

NOTE: I-bmw.com is not an official sponsor of any posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

Be there!!!


How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have a new contribution
this month from Chris Spence of Macon,Ga .. Woohoo! Check out his safety tip # 160 Thx, bro. Could his tip save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.. Remember.. we're all in this together.. so shave your legs.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-thousand page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

No new contributions this month.

Picture at right Courtesy of Sports Illustrated photographer Walter Iooss, Jr. / Model: Ms Melissa Haro

Click For Larger Image.. If You Want a Chub..

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Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues