Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around the 15th of each month, when I deem you are worthy, we put out our cheesy K12 newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW K12RS/GT/S world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out? If you want to subscribe and have these sent via e-mail to your home or office just let us know at pirate@acelink.net .. otherwise you'll get 95% of it here. Why only 95%? Because I tend to tell the brutal truth as I see it on many issues/products and while I don't mind spewing "my opinion" into your home, office or cell .. I have no desire to slam, insult, or malign any company, individual, competitor in public.. unless they blatantly deserve it.

While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered or meek, amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you look elsewhere for your written info-tainment. So it is written.. so let it be done....

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: May 2005 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed K12 Riders.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the day.....

The police interrogation room is large, fluorescent-lighted, antiseptic. She walks in with Nick and Gus. In the room are prosecutor John Corrigan, Lt. Walker, Captain Talcott, Harrigan, and Andrews. There is a police stenographer: a plain young woman in her 20's. As soon as she comes in --

Corrigan: I'm John Corrigan. I'm an assistant district attorney, Ms. Tramell. Can we get you anything? Would you like some coffee?
Catherine: No thank you.
Talcott: Are your attorneys --
Nick: (hiding a smile) Ms. Tramell waived her right to an attorney. Corrigan and Talcott glance at Nick. She sees the look.
Catherine: (smiles) Did I miss something?
Nick: I told them you wouldn't want an attorney present.
LT. Walker: Why have you waived your right to an attorney, Ms. Tramell?
Catherine: (to Nick) Why did you think I wouldn't want one?
Nick: I told them you wouldn't want to hide.
Catherine: I have nothing to hide. The two of them keep their eyes on each other. She sits down. They sit around her. Nick sits directly across from her. She lights up a cigarette. They watch her. She is poised, cool, in complete command of herself.
Corrigan: There is no smoking in this building, Ms. Tramell.
Catherine: What are you going to do? Take my Pirates' Lair Cheesy Newsletter? Ever so casually, she blows her smoke across at Nick.
Corrigan: Would you tell us the nature of your relationship with Mr. Boz?
Catherine: I had sex with him for about a year and a half. I liked having sex with him.
She has control of the room: she looks from one man to the other as she speaks.
Catherine: (continuing) He wasn't afraid of experimenting. I like men like that. I like men who give me pleasure. He gave me a lot of pleasure.

Catherine Tramell / Sharon Stone/ Nick / Michael Douglas.. Basic Instinct (1992)

News From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

The 2005 Blue Ridge Parkway BMW Rally is Upon You !!!! (organized by the good guyz at www.I-BMW.com)
Where: Peaks of Otter 1-800-542-5927 Blue Ridge Parkway, mile post 86
When: This freakin' weekend!! May 12-15 (Thur-Sun)
No idea if there are any rooms left but any and all info should/can be found at http://abrahamson.net/brpr2005/index.html Watch your speeding, my brethren.. Radar detectors are joojoo in Virginia.. Carry a cheapie spare in your jacket in case the blue meanies pull you over .. Just hand them the cheapie and throw your gloves over your V1 or Passport.

Texas Hill Country Rally a Success : Organizers Worthy of Praise and/or Expensive Gifts

It was 1300 miles of godawful boring superslab to get there, but.. surprisingly.. it was worth it... Had a great time!! The best Texas Hill Country Rally yet as far as I am concerned. Puuuuurfect weather.. good company... good food.. loose agenda...nekid women.. ..who could ask for more?
Lots of new people... lots of regulars.. I think virtually everyone had a good time in spite of officer Sanchez, who I suspect is the anti-Christ who handed out a few velocity awards to members of our group.

A public thanks to the aging Barry Gibbs and the lovely model he hires to play his wife, Joan. Helluva job, guyz. Thanks for everything... I'm sure next year's new organizer, James (Pooh-Bah) Myrick of Texas will carry the torch with honor... Was a pleasure!!!!
I have a few pictures (some of my own... some I pilfered from www.i-bmw.com ) by Clicking HERE and BTW.. at the time of this posting.. our photo gallery was experiencing problems.. It may be up or down when you try the link..

K1200RS/GT/LT Cam Kit On the Market from Rhinewest Performance, Inc

Unless you've been in conclave or living in a Ecuadorian rainforest you've probably heard of Rhinewest Performance, Inc and their world renownedperformance chips. On any stock K1200RS or GT their chip will boost HP by a cool 10 ponies and smooth out your powerband.. Well.. the boys at RW have just added another performance product for the K bikes to the menu.. Why they waited until the bike was discontinued will be a topic for another day. While I personally never thought they'd get it done .. they are now offering a Cam Kit for every model year K1200RS/GT/LT. Like their chips, there will be 2 versions for the RS/GT.. an early and late depending on which motronic box is installed. (BMW changed them in late 99).. and 3 versions for the LT's. The 2005 LT cam kit does NOT come with software as apparently.. it's not needed.

I was told that BMW tweaked the factory 05LT software to the max. The Cam Kits come with both new cam sprockets which are a little larger than a silver dollar and software/chip. Cost is around $559. If you already have a chip, they will work with you for a lower price of $359 or so. I guess they'll swap you a new chip for the one you have. This issue is unclear at this time. Install time is about 1.5 hours and they tell me if you have it done at the time of your valve check.. your extortionist.. er.. dealer will probably charge you less for the procedure.

What will you gain? Besides a few velocity awards, about the same HP as the $400 chip but with much more low-end torque. MUCH more!. As a matter of fact.. I rode their test bike and it blew me away. Funny bastages that they are, they never told me that the kit was installed and during the ride I was thinking.. "Geeezz".. my bike must be horribly out of tune as mine NEVER felt like this... and I DO have a chip installed." On the test bike I was effortlessly spinning the tire out of turns.. At the first stop, Hank (the RW dyno man extrordinaire and apparently part-time comedian) leaned over with a cheshire grin and says.. "Notice anything different?? I knew then that the bike was tweaked.. Bottom line.. it delivers serious grunt down low...noticeably more than a standard "chipped" bike. You feel it below 5K where most of us mere mortals live and ride. The kits should be available at the time this goes to press...er.. cyberspace but.. there is one kicker..and you may want to sit down if you are already slobbering with anticipation... The KRS/GT/LT Cam Kit can ONLY be used with the stock exhaust. No aftermarket pipes.

Back Protector Shoot-Out: How Important is Your Spine? or What would Christopher Reeve Do?

It's a curse being as anal as I am. My wife often compares me to Adrian on the show MONK. Not high praise. I can't just take someone's advice on ANY product and go out and purchase it. I must talk with people who own said items, read reviews, pray to Crom, and ultimately try on or test out the product just to make sure I'm getting what's right for ME and MY body. I MUST research, therefore I am. I have this same sick ritual I go though for choosing helmets, gloves, boots, suits, butt plugs, etc. It's the only way I'll have piece of mind and no regrets. Check out my head-to-head comparison of 3 of the top back protectors.... and the winner is....??

For those about to read the following review, I don't claim to be an expert on motorcycle riding, back-protectors, or safety. I'm just a rider just like you with an opinion and a computer I can use to spew said views around the world and into your home, office, or cell. I have been riding for 35+ accident free years on just about every type of high performance bike. Most of that road time has been in excess of virtually all posted speed limits and I have the velocity awards to back that up, but as age has it's way with me I take fewer chances and safety seems more of a concern than say..20 years ago when I was like Connor MacLeod of the clan MacLeod... immortal. My reflexes are not quite as godlike as only a few years ago and due to this fact, I ride slower on the street.. still faster than most, but slower by MY standards. Whether you take my advice or not... wearing any protective gear is the smart way to go... So it is written.. so let it be done.

2005 K1200GT?? The Fat Lady Is Singing...

While a designated 2005 Silver K1200GT is arriving in Canada, Australia, and all over Europe.. our sources say virtually none will make it into the US until the 2004 stock is sold... According to BMWON magazine and the UK's Motor Cycle News Magazine, BMW is trying to deplete it's stock of 2004 GT's..hence the killer deals being offered to get ready for the new bike's arrival. What next you are asking?? Spy shots are coming out of Spain of a suspected all new K1200GT based on the new engine.. While the designation should remain the same.. the bike will be virtually all new. Both magazines predict the all new GT version will arrive on US soil as a 2006 model at just under $20,000.US

The Blue Ridge Campground Reopened!! http://www.blueridgemotorcyclecamp.com/

We just heard they're back in biz after the mother of all floods last year. They rebuilt their bridge and are booking cabins for 2005. While I'm not a camper..and never will be, I visited their facility and it's a little piece of heaven in Cruso, NC. As per their website.. "Camp along the cool, clear Pigeon River, watch the sun set behind Cold Mountain and enjoy our evening camp fire. Get to know some of the best people you will ever find...your fellow motorcyclists."
N 35o 24.235 W 82o 48.682
59 Motorcycle Drive
US 276 Cruso, NC

What's New In the K1200RS/GT/S/R World

1. Thinking about changing the oil in your K1200RS or GT? I just heard something interesting... There is a filter on the market that will "fit" our bikes... the FRAM TG3614. However.. we've been told by our connection at Starfleet Command that the SURE GRIP coating will melt right off the filter and contaminate the oil!!!!!! Doh! Steer clear, mates..

2. Many of our customers have purchased the CyclePump by www.BestRestProducts.com I keep one with me at all times... Air when you need it. However..I didn't know until this week that they offer an accessory EZAir Tire Gauge for $25. that connects directly to the pump for air pressure monitoring... Very cool little item. The air hose is 12" long, the 1-1/2" dial is rubber armored, it comes with a protective vinyl storage pouch, and it weighs only 8 ounces. It's a compact package that fits nicely in the palm of your hand. You can even use it as a stand-alone gauge... and BTW... We're told that the new "S" bike does NOT have the correct amperage to power one..

3. Hear the K1200S Remus Titanium Slip-On by clicking HERE

4. Schuberth's C2 Helmet is due in the US this month. Manufacturer claims it's only 1.5db louder than the S1 which is reportedly the quietest helmet on the market.. For a flip-up modular.. that would be impressive if true. Your local extortionist..er.. dealer should have them by now. Supposedly lots of improvements have been made over the C1.. Much quieter.. better ventilation...no-tool visor changeing...new locking system....firm pouting young breasts..er.. what was I talking about? O, yea.. the C2 Cost will be $500-540 depending on color. They'll come in Black, Metallic Silver, and a two-tone Black/Silver.

5. Ever pulled up to an intersection and the freakin' light will not change for you?... and the aholes behind you start blowing their horns?..and swearing at you? and the line behind you is getting longer and longer? and you are so frustrated that you get off your bike, walk back and pummel the old codger in the Buick behind you and get his blood all over your new Alpinestar gloves and boots? I hate it when that happens!.. FYI.. If you ever get pulled over for running one of these non-changing lights, cite to the officer Vehicle Code 21800 section "D" which says.." The driver of any vehicle approaching an intersection which has official traffic control signals that are inoperative or not functioning shall stop at the intersection, and may proceed with caution when it is safe to do so. " We checked and this applies to most states.. probably not yours..., but it couldn't hurt to get a copy and keep it with you. My policy is.. I'll wait for THREE light changes before I run it.. FYI.. and BTW.. I've tried those cheesy magnets you glue underneath and they proved virtually as useless as Randy Savage at a Mensa meeting.

6. Last month I reported on a few cruise related probs caused by using the Brake LED Kit (by Gizmo Mills) or the Clear Tail LED Kit (from Clear Alternatives) Out of hundreds of these kits sold .. perhaps a dozen late K12 bike owners had the EXACT same problem... non-working cruise. At this time, the problem has been solved by BOTH companies and we just resumed shipping kits after pulling both from the market for about 2 weeks. For the early bikes .. 1997-2001.. ... no probs have been reported. Plug-n-play. If you purchased one of their kits and experienced cruise problems, contact them (or whoever you bought from) and you'll get a freebie fix kit and install instructions which, they tell us will make things right as rain.

7. Suburban Machinery (makers of the Type 1 and Type 2 GT Barbacks) is NO longer offering longer throttle cables due to a redesign by BMW. He had been purchasing LT cables and shortening them for the GT/RS riders with longer barbacks, but again.. BMW can't leave well enough alone..He is working on a solution.

8. Ventura is now offering a new rear rack system for the K1200S..the Ventura Pack Rack. and I swear to Allah it's the ugliest thing I have ever laid eyes on.
The system is modular and based around model-specific L-brackets. On the S, the brackets are bolted to existing mounting points, while the RS versions have been designed to allow the use of the BMW pannier system. The Pack Rack then slots into the brackets allowing a choice of Ventura Packs to be slotted into place as an alternative to hard luggage. When not in use the Pack Rack can be removed, leaving only the L-brackets exposed, or alternatively it can be replaced by a Grab Handle or Sport Rack. The Ventura BMW K1200-S or RS fitting kit costs £79.99. Add £41.99 for a Pack Rack, £36.99 for a Sport Rack or £19.99 for a Grab Handle. Contact 01256-704909 in Germany, I think.

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. We now have the "S" Throttlemeister's for the K1200S. In Stock!. Yes. and exclusive as per mandate of the new Pope... a fellow K1200S owner. If I owned an "S" bike.. this would be the FIRST accessory I'd buy. Throttlemeister makes TWO versions for the "S" bike. We will carry only the standard version. They also make a heavier and slightly longer model, but I chose NOT to carry it as I personally think the shorter version, which works EXACTLY the same, looks better on the "S" bike. My will, be done.

2. We just got our first shipment of the new Staintune own Liquid Mirror Polish. The stuff is worthy of the name..

3. Some wood-giving news here.. A handful of our "worthy" customers purchased some of those waaay cool Custom Torque Arms over the past year. .. the one with the Pirates' lair logo engraved on the side. The guy that makes them is as dependable as a Moscow train with only a handful arriving about every 4-9 months. The good news is, a fellow K12'er (and apparent machinist) recently sent me a prototype of a new arm and it's every bit as beautiful as the Pirates' Lair arm and he says he can furnish all we need/want/desire. What could I say to this offer?.. You guessed it.. First order just arrived and we have them IN STOCK at http://pirateslair.net/TorquePL.htm FYI.. these will fit every model K1200RS and GT and keeps the same geometry. 100% bling.

4. We have Verholen "S" BarRisers IN STOCK for the new K1200S!! With these sleek risers, the bars are brought nearer by a full 80 mm. Almost hard to believe. The operating mechanism allows adjustment in a circular arc, allowing the bars to be brought further forward or rearward. Verholen says no longer cables are necessary.. Hoping to post info as to install as soon as I get feedback. Wish I had designed these, dammit.

5. Speaking of the "S" bike.. We have TWO K1200S Tee's on the menu and IN STOCK.. One feature's the Yellow/Black/Silver bike . the other the Blue/White You can see them BOTH by Clicking HERE Be the envy of your work place or prison yard..Guaranteed to get you non-married people laid more often.

6. I had mentioned last month that our next backrest project would be the 2005 R1200RT., but due to parts availability issues, we think we are gonna squeeze in a backrest for the 1000cc and 650cc Suzuki V-Stroms. http://pirateslair.net/SuzukiV.htm Why the Suzuki? We get a lot of requests for them...

7. We will soon have CD Rom shop manuals for the new K1200S and R1200GS. Become one with your bike.. learn how it works and do your own repairs.. Unless you prefer paying for your dealers wife's implants and/or trips to Bora Bora.

8. As per the prophesy.. our R1200GS Stealth Backrest hit the market last week!..We have plenty IN STOCK. I'm proud of the way it turned out. . Comments? Opinions? Jesus juice?

9. We just received our first shipment of MV Agusta Clear Blinker Lenses . Waaay cool.

10. The long awaited MV F4 1000 Exhaust Manifold's are IN STOCK! We are the ONLY US importer.

11. We finally have our MV Agusta Reservoir Covers In STOCK! We offer these in 5 anodized colors.. Red, Black, Blue, Silver, Gold. Leave it to the British to produce something this sweet. Euro craftsmanship. Install is easy as it gets. Fits every model year MV Agusta F4, Brutale, and the new 1000cc F4

12. Artwork for the new Pirates' Lair Hats is almost done... As with the tee's, they will be available in limited numbers.

Rally News/Info: Down The Road: 2005

Italy, May 2005 The German K12 Chat site at http://www.k1200rs.de/events/meeting-11/index.htm is having a K12 Rally in Northern Italy next year, May 26-29 2005, in San Damiano near Piacenza and just south of Milan.

2005 Ride to Read Rally (from fellow K12'er Jerome Eberharter / Founder, CEO White Cloud Coffee & self proclaimed Coffee Adventurer)

Mark your cave wall as it's coming up SATURDAY JUNE 11, 2005 For the latest details check out their website at http://www.ride2read.org/ A damn good cause!! Mongo say.. "reading is good."

Summer Solstice Rally, Northeast (from the quasi-esteemed Mike Cousino at www.I-BMW.com)
Okay the place and date is set for Camp Meade on Friday and Saturday, June 10th and 11th, 2005. They have twenty rooms. Some are their own cottages. Some are double, with two separate rooms to one cottage. Each room/cottage has their own bath. There are no cots so don't ask to put extra people in a room. I would ask the the single riders pair up and share a room/cottage with another person as space is limited.
Prices are:
Dbl = $63, there are eleven of these
2- Dbls = $73, there are eight of these
For reservations or additional information telephone:
Camp Meade @ (802) 223-5537 / Refer to BMW group

The 6th Annual Deals Gap K12 Rally ...will again be held at the Tapoco Lodge in 2005, Sept 29th-Oct 1st to be precise. It won't hold us all, so make plans now! No sign-up sheet yet. Just reserve a room and be there! Most of us from this year already have a room, so it's not too soon to plan.
(info provided by the quasi-esteemed moto-god...Tim Hudspeth.. a.k.a CBNFVR) Glad to know that besides Bill O'Reilly.. someone else is looking out for us.. Thanks Tim.

The 2006 Hill Country Rally is already in the works!! ! Here's a note from our good pardner James Myrick,... next year's organizer.....
"Well partners, the Texas Hill Country Roundup 2006 date is official: We are going for 4 days of two wheel fun in the country this time around. April 12 ( Wed.) 13,14, 15 and if you wish Sunday 16th ( Easter ). It will be at "The Inn of the Hills " so mark your calendars. Details to follow in a few months. "

How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

No contributions this month..

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive on your Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and I'll add it on.. Remember.. we're all in this together.. so shave your legs.

BMW How-To Section

No contributions this month..

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues