Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around the 15th of each month, when I deem you are worthy, we put out our cheesy K12 newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW K12RS/GT/S world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out? If you want to subscribe and have these sent via e-mail to your home or office just let us know at pirate@acelink.net .. otherwise you'll get 95% of it here. Why only 95%? Because I tend to tell the brutal truth as I see it on many issues/products and while I don't mind spewing "my opinion" into your home, office or cell .. I have no desire to slam, insult, or malign any company, individual, competitor in public.. unless they blatantly deserve it.

While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered or meek, amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you look elsewhere for your written info-tainment.
So it is written.. so let it be done....

December 2004 Issue : Happy Holidays

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed K12 Riders.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the holiday season......

Excalibur, Arthur's magnificent sword and claim to power is destroyed during the battle with the unknown knight, Lancelot. When all hope seems lost, all see beneath the water in a nearby pool.. the Lady of the Lake who miraculously is holding Excalibur intact. Arthur dips his hand under the water and grasps the hilt. The vision in the blue-green water fades. He rises with Excalibur in hand. Just then Lancelot who has been downed by Arthur's onslaught stirs. Arthur rushes to his side. He loosens his helmet and removes it, uncovering damp curls. The young knight's eyes open, and his laughing charm once more animates his face.

Arthur: Thanks to God, you are alive.
Lancelot: (sitting up) I, the best knight in the world, bested! This is a great day, for my search is over. I love you, my King.
He embraces Arthur, who is overwhelmed by his childlike directness. The King helps him to his feet.
Arthur: You are still the best knight in Christiandom. You gained a hundred advantages over me. It is I who must love you, for through your courage and patience you taught me a bitter lesson.
Lancelot: Then make me your champion and I will always fight in your place.
Arthur: But your life and lands are far from here.
Lancelot: I gave up my castles, my cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletters, and my lands! He thumps his breastplate.
Lancelot: My domain is here, inside this metal skin. And I would pledge to you all that I still own: muscle, bone, blood and the heart that pumps it.
Arthur: And a great heart it is. Sir Lancelot, you will be my champion. Lancelot draws his sword, holding it by the blade, a crucifix.
Lancelot: In the name of Jesus Christ and His holy blood, I swear eternal faith to Arthur, King.

Lancelot / Nicholas Anthony Phillip Clay / Arthur / Nigel Terry / Excalibur 1981

News From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Shaka.. When the Walls Fell: No More K1200RS!! End of an Era
I know this should be the time of year when I bring tidings of great joy, but...are you sitting?.... . Production of the BMW K1200RS has stopped!!! This is the latest word from the BMW factory in Berlin! Lets have a moment of silence here please... .................... All remaining bikes are at dealers and/or in transport will be the last of the "line" The K1200GT will continue in production 1 1/2 year approximately...... Geezz.. Losing Tom Brokow, Dan Rather, Ray Charles, and the K1200RS all in the same year!? Say it ain't so!!! On second thought.. We'll be better off without that dickhead Rather..

*********** ***********
K1200S Bike / Update on Production and Probs
Members of the German K12 Chat site http://www.k1200s.net/ visited the plant in Berlin and had the chance to talk to a project leader directly. They got the following information:
1. Production of the S bike will start again in January
2. In March they plan to ship 2,500 "S" bikes (including bikes for test driving and customer bikes already ordered)
3. The reported problems with the camshaft was noticed in only 2 out of 200 bikes. Despite this BMW decided to stop shipping because they wanted to avoid customers testing (which has happened with the KRS).
4. Motor management and fuel consumption glitches apparently have been worked out...

By now everyone knows that the new K1200S bikes have been hit with problem after problem. Currently, demo bikes have been pulled from ALL vendors worldwide and bikes that have been delivered to customers in both Germany and the UK have been recalled for crankshaft replacement. I find all this curious as you know BMW has been testing the new engine for over a year... Why the f*@# didn't they discover these things prior to releasing them? Can you imagine a Japanese manufacturer doing this? Me neither...

View From Look Rock, Great Smoky Mountains National Park
I know that this time of year, most including myself are not thinking about anything except trying not to trip over the Battery Tender wires or avoiding the wife's latest holiday shopping sojourn much less a motorcycling trip to the Blue Ridge Parkway. It's a bit chilly for most of us at the higher elevations, but if you have a window of opportunity, a heated vest,and aren't worried about "shrinkage".. ...you might want to Click HERE. before you suit up. It's a real-time camera view of the southernmost end of the parkway with info as to current temp, wind speeds, humidity, etc.. Weather changes quickly in the mountains and flying around a perfectly dry curve to run into a seasonal snow storm is not fun.. Trust me on this.

What's New In the K1200RS/GT/S World

1. Don't know about the rest of you, but I almost always buy my tires from Discount Motorcycle Tires They have always given me first class service AND the best prices around.. FYI.. Until Dec 23rd they are offering FREE SHIPPING on orders of $150 or more... Need rubber? Buy now..

2. We were just notified that the Austrian exhaust manufacturers, Remus are now offering their K1200RS/GT Carbon Fiber Exhaust Systems in all new OVAL canister. It's $100 more than the round version.

3. Speaking of Remus... they are also working on an exhaust for the new K1200S.

4. Want to fight off the cold this winter...Stupid question... Yes, an electric vest should be in every rider's arsenal of winter fighting weapons, but here's another... Carol Davis Long Underwear. Her webfoot body sock suit is to die for.... Smooth on the outside .. fleece on the inside... Pamper yourself this winter... thank me later.. Tell Carol I sent you... and NO... I don't get kickbacks from them.. not that I'm above that. Met her a while back... a babe.

5. BMW Announced their newest Motorcycle Helmet with BlueTooth technology. / Contributed by our good friend Locus of Borg in Norway, Oslo
The new BMW System V Helmet enables wireless communication between motorcyclists and phone usage while riding... In other words, the helmet will permit you to telephone while riding your motorcycle, conditional on your mobile phone being equipped with BlueTooth. (Note from Pirate) "Geezz. Just what we need.. the distraction of a telephone when we're riding our bikes..IMHO.. This is insane and will lead to numerous accidents and deaths!"... but on the other hand.. what are a few deaths and or ruined lives when weighed against the convenience of your dentist's office calling to confirm next week's appointment or your wife calling in the middle of a high speed sweeper to remind you to pick up a box of tampons"..." but I digress....

The system is completely integrated in the helmet and homologised for this purpose. It consists of two virtually invisible Array microphones in the forehead area, a digital signal processor (DSP) to filter interference and wind noise, a Bluetooth module, two speakers and an integrated set of batteries. On the left there is a control panel with three buttons for the functions "On/Off/Select" (this includes the "pairing" which connects the two devices and "multifunction" for connecting further devices) as well as "+" and "-" for loud and soft). No prices or availability as of yet.

6. If you want to see the latest BMW (and most of the other manufacturers) has to offer... check out the 24th Annual Cycle World Motorcycle Show . Dates/places are posted. The question is.. will they have an S bike on display..?. Amber and I will walk among the mortals at the Chicago show in mid February.

7. ZTechnik just lowered the prices on their K1200RS/GT Z Exhaust Systems by about $50....

8. BMW of Santa Cruz is now the lone vendor for Wunderlich accessories. They produce hubcaps, windshield doodads, oil cooler screens, foofoo oil filler plugs, final drive plugs, etc for the K1200RS/GT. Quality products...

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. Looks like Pirates' Lair is in BMWON Magazine again... A customer just pointed out to us that there's an article in the Dec issue by Mike Cohen (a fellow K1200RS rider) on our Front Clear Lens Kit... Caught us completely off guard... Very cool. Timing is good as we finally have them In Stock. The perfect Xmas gift for that 98-01 RS owner that you thought had everything except hair...

2. The BRAKE LED Light Kit's are finally In Stock!! IMHO.. it's simply the best tail light kit on the market! Yes.. a bold statement especially since I have tried just about everything out there. While I'm not a huge fan of LED's in general.. the kit has won me over. It's visually stunning, easy to install, and is as clean as it gets. I'd guess that it's about 300% brighter than stock. The LED kit essentially replaces your prehistoric rear tail light bulb with a circuit board filled with ultra-bright LED's.. The install took me all of 15 minutes and the only tool needed was a freakin' screwdriver.

3. For a limited time only starting Dec 1st...you or your handlers will receive a FREE Pirates' Lair Hat with every K12RS/GT exhaust system sold . Remus, Staintune, Two Brothers, or ZTechnik...I should note that these hats are babe magnets so if your personality and/or expensive toys aren't effective bait for the opposite sex.. these hats should do the trick..... Guaranteed to get you laid more often. Note: The guarantee doesn't apply to married customers. Saavy?

4. Last month I was quoted as saying..."Hell must have frozen over and monkeys are flying out my butt as we finally have the Austrian made Carbon Fiber Front Fenders in stock." Yes.. twas true but we have already decided to discontinue selling them. Why? Out of (20) units we received from Austria... 1/2 were not up to our standards. We hand inspected them all, shipped anything questionable back to the importer, and have already sold all the good ones we had. Bottom line..They are sold out and we will NOT be importing more. However...as not to leave you with no options... our importer was MaxMoto in California and I'll assume they will continue to import these. Tell them I sent you...

5. New and In Stock is the H.A.R.D. Wireless Radar Detector Device After testing a V1 unit for almost a year on my MV F4, I have deemed the wireless device... worthy. ... Instead of a blaring speaker or a faint light, the Inside Helmet Visual Alert .. a.k.a.H.A.R.D. provides an immediate visual alert via a flashing LED light , inside the helmet .. without wires! WE offer two versions.. Valentine and Passport 8500/8500X-50.. To make life easier on our quasi-esteemed customers, we also offer spare batteries at a fraction of retail price... Just because we love you.. in a non-homosexual way, of course, not that there's anything wrong with that..

6. If anyone would like to read my report of my first track day...Click Here and if that doesn't work.. Click Here You'll laugh.. you'll cry..

7. Once again we have heard the pleas from the whining masses and again we deliver.. Our newest Pirates' Lair Tees are in stock!!. These feature the Silver bike with Red Stripes. and like all the other versions.. these are limited edition. Once they are gone, there will be no more produced no matter how many deviant sexual favors involving warm oil and feathers are offered.. Unlike previous versions, these are available in LONG SLEEVE only.. and 100% preshrunk cotton... It appears they run a little large so order accordingly. Breaking centuries old traditions, we are offering these long-sleeve tees in two colors. White and light gray. However, as of this writing.. the size LARGE are already SOLD OUT..

Whether wanting to look stylish at your daughters wedding or your latest divorce deposition.. we have a tee for you.. Be the envy of your work place or prison yard... !! The XX Large tees also make wonderful sleep wear for that special person in your life... and they make great Christmas gifts, too!!

8. Amber is still collecting pics for a K12RS/GT CALENDAR.... We'd like to ask you.. the yearning masses for your BEST scenic shot featuring a KRS or GT... We are NOT looking for shots of your bike in garage or your patio (unless you live at the Taj Mahal or the White House or.... theres some gratuitous female nudity involved).. We're looking for scenic views... We'll need hi-rez images.. not small internet size pics... and please do us a favor... do NOT send us dozens of pics with your Sharpei on the seat or nephew Nathan sitting on the bike.. Choose your BEST 1 or 2 shots. And what will you receive for your gratitude?? Well.. besides a hardy pat on the buttock from Amber and sincere thanks, you'll get a free calendar if we use your pic... and the knowledge that you made a quasi-selfless gesture in order to promote the sport.

9. We have tentatively decided on our next backrest project... Looking at the 2005 R1200RT. You heard it here first you scurby mates.

Rally News/Info: Down The Road: 2005

The date for the 2005 Hill Country Rally has changed! Word from fellow K12'er, Sir Barry Gibbs.. former anger management therapist for Ron Artest.

"To help accommodate an overbooking by Inn of the Hills, I have agreed to change our date from April 7-10 to April 14-17. By agreeing to this change, the hotel has offered to reduce our room rate by $10 per night. This means that the rooms will only be $62 for the standard room. They were not forcing us to change, only asking that we help them out. I did not receive any negative comments from potential attendees, so I agreed.
When you reserve your room, tell the you are attending the Rally and that we have a special room rate. If you have any problems, ask for Eric in Sales at 800-292-5690"

The BRPR 2005 is Set !!!! (info provided by the inestimable Tim Hudspeth.. a.k.a CBNFVR)
Where: Peaks of Otter 1-800-542-5927 Blue Ridge Parkway, mile post 86
When: May 12-15 (Thur-Sun) First night deposit required ($94.17, 2004 rates, No change expected for 2005.)
We have all 63 rooms (62 now) held until April 1st, 2005. After April 1st, all non-reserved rooms go public. Mention BMW Motorcycle Group to reserve your room. Other lodging available in Bedford, Va: Super 8 and /or Days Inn

Italy, May 2005 The German K12 Chat site at http://www.k1200rs.de/events/meeting-11/index.htm is having a K12 Rally in Northern Italy next year, May 26-29 2005, in San Damiano near Piacenza and just south of Milan.

2005 Ride to Read Rally (from fellow K12'er Jerome Eberharter / Founder, CEO White Cloud Coffee & self proclaimed Coffee Adventurer)

"A quick note to let you know the 2005 Ride to Read rally here in Boise will be on June 11. We had an excellent turn out and ride this year. People can see more at: http://www.whitecloudcoffee.com/r2r/index.php "
Thanks & All the Best! Jerome

Summer Solstice Rally, Northeast (from the quasi-esteemed Mike Cousino at www.I-BMW.com)
Okay the place and date is set for Camp Meade on Friday and Saturday, June 10th and 11th, 2005. They have twenty rooms. Some are their own cottages. Some are double, with two separate rooms to one cottage. Each room/cottage has their own bath. There are no cots so don't ask to put extra people in a room. I would ask the the single riders pair up and share a room/cottage with another person as space is limited.
Prices are:
Dbl = $63, there are eleven of these
2- Dbls = $73, there are eight of these
For reservations or additional information telephone:
Camp Meade @ (802) 223-5537 / Refer to BMW group

The 6th Annual Deals Gap K12 Rally ...will again be held at the Tapoco Lodge in 2005, Sept 29th-Oct 1st to be precise. It won't hold us all, so make plans now! No sign-up sheet yet. Just reserve a room and be there! Most of us from this year already have a room, so it's not too soon to plan.
(info provided by the quasi-esteemed moto-god...Tim Hudspeth.. a.k.a CBNFVR) Glad to know that besides Bill O'Reilly.. someone else is looking out for us.. Thanks Tim.


New To Our How To Section
With some special effects provided by our man about town, Rodney Harvey, I just added my own How to Install the Brake! LED TaillightT Kit

How To Survive on a Motorcycle
Our last contribution was from the quasi-esteemed Richard Craig .. Check it out ... #76 Will this tip save your life? Alter your destiny? Check it out and see.....

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and I'll add it on.. Remember.. we're all in this together.. so shave your legs.


Guess that kinda wraps this one up. This will be the last communiqué for 2004. It's been a good year for Amber and I (and Pirates' Lair) thanks to many of you.. or in spite of many of you. We appreciate your help, advice, encouragement, and occasional naked pics. Best wishes to you all...

In spite of what the far left ACLU would like us to say, we sincerely hope that you and yours (no matter what bike you ride and/or religion) have a a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Remember if you're gonna drink...stop by here and of course... leave the bike at home...

For our US troops and loyal allies serving around the world....a heartfelt thankyou for everything you are doing for us and the world and... Godspeed. Best wishes to you and your families.

Take care.. ride safe...stay warm.. watch out for flying reindeer...see you in the New Year..

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues