"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around the 1st or 15th of each month, when I deem you are worthy, we put out our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out? If you want to subscribe and have these sent via e-mail to your home or office just let us know at pirate@acelink.net .. otherwise you'll get 95% of it here. Why only 95%? Because I tend to tell the brutal truth as I see it on many issues/products and while I don't mind spewing "my opinion" into your home, office or cell, I have no desire to slam, insult, or malign any company, individual, competitor in public.. unless they blatantly deserve it. Also... something to keep in mind... My language in the email subscription version may offend the meek. Subscribe at your own risk. The on-line version is a bit more... PC..

While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you look elsewhere for your written info-tainment. So it is written.. so let it be done....

Lastly, if you'd like to see our current specials .. sales, blems, close-outs, scratch & dent items, etc. just Click Here.

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: July 2009

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the month.....

The "dude" and his buddy, Walter have just returned from royally screwing up what was supposed to be a routine ransom drop of $1,000,000 dollars. They've actually lost the money. In the back of a limo "the dude" (White Russian in hand) tries eloquently to explain what happened. His benefactor... millionaire recluse, Mr. J Lebowski is not happy.

The Dude: I dropped off the money exactly as per... look, man, I've got certain information, all right? Certain things have come to light. And, you know, has it ever occurred to you, that, instead of, uh, you know, running around, uh, uh, blaming me, you know, given the nature of all this new s#@*, you know, I-I-I-I... this could be a-a-a-a lot more, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, complex, I mean, it's not just, it might not be just such a simple... uh, you know?
J Lebowski: What in God's holy name are you blathering about?
The Dude: I'll tell you what I'm blathering about... I've got information man! Straight from the Pirates Newsletter! The Cheesy Pirate.. the.. I've got information man! New s#@* has come to light! And s#@*... man, your wife kidnapped herself. Well sure, man. Look at it... a young trophy wife, in the parlance of our times, you know, and she, uh, uh, owes money all over town, including to known pornographers, and that's cool... that's, that's cool, I'm, I'm saying, she needs money, man. And of course they're going to say that they didn't get it, because... she wants more, man! She's got to feed the monkey, I mean uh... hasn't that ever occurred to you, man? Sir?

The Dude  / Jeff Bridges..  Jeffrey (The Big) Lebowski  / David Huddleston..  The Big Lebowski (1998)

New shit has come to light!

News From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Picture Of The Month! Rainy Day on the BRPW (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our July POTM was contributed by our good buddy, Art Mills. I really like this shot. It has a feel of peacefulness.. serenity.. calm. Something rare in today's world. Of the shot, Art says...."I do always love to see your latest POTM. The only thing is they always seem to have beautiful backdrops and perfect weather. We know that ain’t always so (otherwise all us mortal single bike owners would have Duc’s instead of all weather “bullet-proof” K12’s). So I submit a more realistic pic – taken a couple of weekends ago at the Blue Ridge Parkway Rally.  Just for the record - most days were just mid to late afternoon storms that were easy enough to “punch through.”

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 800x600 in size or larger and preferably A. Of a BMW K1200S, K1200RS, K1200R, R Sport, or any model year K1200GT and B. In focus.

Click For Larger Image If You Dare..
Click Image for a Larger View

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The Butterfly Effect: Transformation From Ugly Into Beautiful

In last months cheesy newsletter, I was shouting from the proverbial rooftops that the beautiful LED Tail light that comes stock on the Euro 2009 BMW K1300S can be retrofitted onto the US version 2005-2008 K1200S.. This should come as good news to those 2005-2008 K1200S owners who must suffer the daily indignity of living with the stock K1200S tail light which, as all people know, is an abomination to all things great and small.

The stock K1200S tail light is so ugly that not only is it (I suspect) a violation of the Geneva Convention, but I read somewhere that some motorcycle aficionados were accusing the Germans of state sponsored terrorism. I know the stock K1200S tail light terrifies me..!! If you are one of the unfortunate, misguided few that tells people .. "it's not that bad" or.. "I've kinda grown fond of it.".. well.. keep in mind.. inmates get used to prison after a while and some people actually say they like living in Ohio. Snap out of it!! It doesn't change the fact that it is unnatural and just plain wrong..

Unnatural and just plain wrong..

Most of the info being circulating on the www concerns retrofitting the Euro Taillight to the US bike. We have since learned how to retro-fit the US K1300S tailight to the K1200S.. Here's one How-To that works. Thx Joe S.

First.. Here's what you need to buy from your local extornionist..er.. BMW dealer...
(1) LED LIGHT US   / 63217713302  ($190.00) & (1) HARNESS US   61127702078  ($19.25)   

1 Disconnect the 6 pin connecter under the seat. Untape the wires on the taillight side. Find the taillight wire Grey/Red stripe and the tag light wire Blue/Yellow dots. Cut and switch these two wires Blue to Grey  Grey to Blue re-tape and reconnect.  NOTE.. turning the connecter a half turn will release it from the fender.

2. Back at the taillight install a 50 Ohm 5 watt resister to the taillight wire Grey/Red. I'm using a 1% heat sink resister and bleeding heat off to the frame. Probably overkill...but that's just me.

3. Connect the taillight wire, the brake light wire Grey/Black stripe, and the pos. wire from the LED light together. This will give you 6 volts for the taillight and 12 volts when you press the brake. Connect the 2 ground wires both Brown together. Tape all wires.

4. Install light and seat. You are LED'd.  NOTE.. The wires may not be the same color on all bikes

I feel pretty! Oh so pretty!

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Surviving A Cyber-Attack: We Feel Better Now

On June 19th, some rat bastard cyber-hackers attacked www.Freeservers.com, the site that hosts Pirates Lair (and a few hundred other web sites) probably scaring the beegeezus out of potential customers visiting for the first time. Ahh....Nothing better than scaring away business during a bad economy. Geezz..

Within a few hours of the attack, Google and Firefox and a few other search engines and/or browsers red flagged Pirates Lair as if we were spreading the Ebola virus making us very lonely for almost a week. If it wasn't for phone-in orders we would have been dead in the water. It took a local high-paid geek for hire to completely exorcise the demons as the crack technical support team at Freeservers.com proved to be as useless as tits on a badger.

This is Pirates Lair. This is my site.  I can fix this.

In case you are or were a customer of ours and saw one of the warnings and are wondering if any of your private info (credit card, email address, panty size, etc) could have been stolen or compromised.. Not a chance! All that info remains locked inside our in-house lock box we purchased from former vice president Al Gore. Even God himself couldn't get to it. It is 100% safe. The attack didn't actually involve theft of information.. It involved the planting of malware. .. the software that makes links take you to other sites. And to make things worse.. it was planted on our old URL.. www.piratesK12site.net.. NOT on our current URL.. www.PiratesLair.net

Since June 25th when the aforementioned $100 an hour computer geek completed the demon discovery and eradication, order has been restored to the known universe.. Customers have returned.. Life goes on. As for future virus warnings and our customer's safety? We strive to keep updated with the latest virus protection. Every server can be attacked. Even the Pentagon and Microsoft aren't immune. Freeservers has since implemented an upgraded firewall to keep the demons out.. At least that's what they tell us. For now, my fellow pirates can wander the decks of www.PiratesLair.net and have clear sailing...without a care in the world.. except for, of course, the Obama administration spending us into oblivion and a nutjob in N Korea with his guns aimed at Hawaii..

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BMW K1300S / K1300GT Recall : Here We Go Again!

BMW of North America has issued a recall for 2009 BMW K1300 GT and K1300S motorcycles for a problem with brake fluid foaming. If you are one of the many beta testers for these bikes, please read the details below.

Model Year: 2009
Models affected: K1300GT, K1300S
NHTSA Campaign Number: 09V202000

Problem: BMW is recalling certain model year 2009 K1300 S and K1300 GT motorcycles manufactured between October 1, 2008 and May 1, 2009. In certain riding conditions involving increased vibration, the brake fluid in the front reservoir can foam. This could lead to a reduced braking capacity of the front brake system, possibly resulting in a pavement/ head interaction.. ie.. crash.

Corrective Action: We've heard (and this has not been confirmed) that they insert some kind of sieve which prevents the foam from building up. Owners may contact BMW at 1-800-831-1117.

What's New In the K12 / K13 No-Spin Zone

I should note that as the RS and first generation GT has been discontinued, I receive less and less news of any new products for them.. I mention this as a few semi-loyal subscribers have accused me of abandoning our roots.. Not true.. I only report what's going on.. Don't shoot the messenger.. I will NEVER abandon the K1200RS crowd. It appears that the times.. they are a changin.' Deal with it. Also.. a special thx to www.I-BMW.com, www.K-Bikes.com , and www.BMWK1200S.com for the information & pictures I regularly pilfer from these chat sites..

1. Prepare for wood! BMW K1200R Streetfighter Kit BMW K1200R!! Spotted this tail kit on Ebay. Item Number: 120417721728 It's an offering from Poland... Looks damn nice, but the price may cause heart palpitations.. The kits makes the rear end of the K1200R a thing of beauty. What's included? Black powder coated sub frame,  Black powder coated oil and exhaust holders, Fiberglass rear cowl, Fiberglass under tail, Hand sewn leather seat and backrest, Seat lock with 2 keys, Clear LED Tail Light with integrated turn signals, Clear LED license plate light, Hardware, Instruction manual on CD. The kit works only with aftermarket exhausts like LASER, REMUS, SBK. (not OEM) If erection last for more than 4 hours.. call more women.

Got wood?

2. In our May 2009 Cheesy Newsletter I did a full review of the Park-n-Move (made by Legal Speeding.com) I mentioned that it will NOT work on bikes with a 190 series or wider tire like the BMW K1200S, K1300S, K1200R, K1300R, K1200R Sport. or HP2 Sport.. The good news is... a wider version PnM is now available. It will accommodate tires up to a 210. Legal Speeding is taking orders now for the new version as is Pirates Lair. One very cool garage accessory. Wish I had invented it. Here's a pic of the new version.. Click here.

3. Is your K12 running poorly? High or erratic idle? Bucking like a bronco? Stalling at inopportune times as opposed to opportune times? Erectile dysfunction? The fix may be as simple as an O2 Sensor. Rather than pay your local extortionist...er.. dealer your left cajone for one..You might want to try the good folks at www.BeemerBoneYard.com Excellent customer service... great pricing.. We hear their Universal BMW O2 Sensor works like a charm and best of all..it's only $79 + shipping. Chimp-easy install.

4. We've been hearing a lot of complaints from 2009 K1300S owners who, after hitting the start button, hear nothing but crickets. The engines won't start. Apparently the newly designed switches are going bad on many bikes. BMW knows about the problem and are replacing them AFTER the customer gets stranded or stuck. No recall. Look at at this way.. Feel honored that BMW trusted you enough to allow you to be a beta tester for their new product. That kinda makes you... "special." What other motorcycle company would trust you that much??

5. Evoluzione needs access to a BMW K1300S. As per Ken..."we need a k1300s to fit up our footpeg relocator kit (we need to make an adapter for the powershifter rod)." If you live near Murrieta, California  give Ken a shout at 951.639.0951 or email Ken at sales@evoluzione.net

6. According to HellForLeather.com pricing for the 2010 BMW S1000RR has been released in Italy and it's €140 cheaper than the 2009 Yamaha R1. €15,850 ($22,373) buys you a 193bhp road-going missile, but you'll need to add €950 for ABS, €1,250 for ABS + traction control, €370 for the quick-shifter and €220 for an alarm. If you want an S1000RR that looks er... American.., the red, white and blue paint raises the price by a further €600. All that brings the price of a fully equipped S1000RR to €18,290 ($25,815). Luckily, BMW USA says we can expect to pay much less here in the land of the free and the home of the sub prime mortgage.

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. I know.. it's taken me long enough but all things good come to those K1300S riders who wait. We now have K1300S Remus Hexacone Slip-Ons on our menu! We offer a Ti version for the K1300S and K1300R for $755 (available mid-July!) and we offer a Ti and Carbon Fiber version for the K1200S, K1200R, K1200R Sport, and 05-08 GT for $740  (available now!) The K1300S canister cover is Titanium and the end cap and bottom end trim are carbon fiber. Sweet. Like virtually all aftermarket exhausts, the Remus Hexacone eliminates the restrictive catalytic converter. Your O2 sensor remains plugged into your factory header. The Hexacone comes with a removable 'street legal' silencer. Connector / mid-pipe included in the kit. Customer retains the option of keeping the factory heat shield. System retains centerstand capability.

More power, Scotty!

2. Effective as of 6/1/09... the price of all Tech Spec Gripster Kits has gone from $50 to a lofty $56. Still worth every penny..

3. We just got confirmation that the Pirates Lair / Evoluzione Peg Relocator Kit we've been selling for the K1200S & K1200R will NOT fit the new K1300S and K1300R. The problem is..the K1300S shift lever is mounted on the foot peg assembly.. NOT on the bike like on the K1200S so a modified mounting hardware kit will have to be developed. With that said.. Ken (at Evoluzione) and I are trying to figure out what hardware is needed so the kit will work on the new bikes. To get that done, Evoluzione needs access to a BMW K1300S. As per Ken..."we need a k1300s to fit up our footpeg relocator kit (we need to make an adapter for the powershifter rod)." If you live near Murrieta, California  give Ken a shout at 951.639.0951 or email Ken at sales@evoluzione.net

4. A second generation Park-n-Move (made by Legal Speeding.com) which will accommodate wider tires than its predesssor..is now available.. The new version will work with the BMW K1200S, K1300S, K1200R, K1300R, K1200R Sport, HP2 Sport or any other side-stand equipped bike with tires up to a 210 series. We are taking orders now. One very cool garage accessory. I tried one in my shop and loved it!! Here's a pic of the new version.. Click here.

5. We just got confirmation that the plug-n-play K1200GT TailBlazer Kit (from Kisan) will also fit the new K1300GT.. Want to light up your ass? Of course we do. This is the easiest way. These kits even come with extra bulbs should you ever burn one out. Better safe than sorry, my friends.

6. Specials / Closeouts /  Blems / Pirates' Lair E-Deals !! Want to save some money? Not as anal as the rest of us poor bastards? On any given day, we have items in stock that customers decided they didn't want... got scratched in transit... were discontinued... have slight flaws.. or we just got over-stocked because some dumb-ass ordered something that we already had plenty of in stock. I won't name names. Rather than lose sleep over such things.. we just offer them on our new "Specials Page". .. These items are sold on a "first come first serve" basis. Everything in this section is sold "as is." All prices posted include USPS shipping inside the continental US. Let the plundering begin.. Arrrrrrrg.

7. We've been selling the Brake LED Taillight Kit (BK0104) for the K1200RS, 2002-04 K1200GT, and R1150R for years. IMHO.. it's the best rear lighting product on the market for these bikes. The only downside of the product was that on about 1 in 10 late GT's the customer would get the dreaded fault light on his dash or his cruise would malfunction. Blame the Germans for making something simple.. (wiring).. so complicated. Road Rocketeer (formerly Gizmo Mill) the manufacturers of the Brake LED Kit had a plug-n-play fix for the rare issues and just sent those out to anyone who needed them. We just got news from the owner that they have redesigned the product to remedy these aberrations. Their website still depicts the multiple LEDs unit and indicates BK0104 as the model number.  The new unit has 3 SUPER BRIGHT LEDs. It's still programmable for multiple functions... No flash.. short two stage...medium two stage..long two stage.. and "burn the retinas off the a**hole behind you" stage. When I initially heard that the bank of LED's in the early kits had been replaced by only 3 LEDs..I cringed, but I've since heard from 2 customers that have the new kit installed and they tell me it's indeed... retina searing bright...Install time on the new kit is down to 15 minutes. Here's an install pdf. Would like some other opinions if anyone installs one. Pics would be great!

K12 / K13 Rally / Event News : Down The Road: 2009

2009 Sierra Gold Rush K12 / K13 Rally: Sept 13-16, 2009

Where: Sonora Days Inn, Sonora, California
When: Sept 12th thru 16th, 2009 (Sun – Weds)

A pre-rally is planned in Downieville, CA at the Riverside Inn: Rooms are reserved for Sept. 9th through 11th. September 12th will be a travel day to Sonora, an easy and beautiful day's ride south of Downieville.Lodging here is very limited... there are only a handful of rooms available, so if you plan to attend the pre-rally you should make your reservations immediately. Tell them that you are with the I-BMW group!! If they are booked up when you call, there is other lodging available in Downieville, and everything is within walking distance:

For booking at the actual Sierra Gold Rush Rally call the Sonora Days Inn at 209-532-2400. Tell them that you are with the I-BMW group. If you talk to someone who is clueless about our group, ask to speak to Tracy. We have rooms reserved here for Sept. 12th through 15th, with the 16th optional. This rally will be even better than the last, and we are expecting a much larger turnout in 2009, so make your reservations now!

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The 10th Annual Deals Gap K12 / K13 Rally: Sept 24-27th, 2009 ( New Location! )

Where: Ridge Top Motel and Campground, Bryson City, North Carolina
390 Arlington Ave, Bryson City, NC 28713
When: Sept 24th thru 27th, 2009
Reservations: (828) 488-6363 Toll Free (866) 415-9692

Be sure to mention i-bmw group

Rates $45 per night plus tax / MC, Visa , Amex , Disc
Office closes at 11:00 pm (late arrivals be sure to call ahead)
24 hour cancellation notice / Click for Google Map
Alternative (More Upscale) Lodging: Sleep Inn, 500 Veterans Blvd, Bryson City, NC, US, 28713 / Phone: (828) 488-0326

Recently we were shocked to learn of the closing of the Topoco Lodge (near Robbinsville.) For the last nine straight years our Deals Gap K12 Rally has been held there. So what to do? Well thanks to the quick action of our bud, Tim (aka..Cbnfvr over at www.I-BMW.com) an alternative site has been booked. The 2009 Deals Gap K12 rally will be held in Bryson City, NC at the Ridge Top Motel and Campground. This'll be the 10th anniversary of the most sacred K12 gathering. This motel won't hold us all, so make plans now! This'll be the last K12 / K13 Rally of 2009, my friends.

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How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have (1) new contribution this month ..Woohoo!! Check out #147, contributed by
Lizard, organizer of Tucson Motorcycle Riders in Tucson Arizona

Could these tips save your life? Dare you NOT look?

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.. Remember.. we're all in this together.. so use deodorant.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-thousand page website.. I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

Nothing new this month..

Picture at right Courtesy of Sports Illustrated photographer Walter Iooss, Jr. / Model: Ms Melissa Haro

Click For Larger Image.. If You Want a Chub..

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Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues