"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around the 1st or 15th of each month, when I deem you are worthy, we put out our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW K12RS/GT/S/R world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out? If you want to subscribe and have these sent via e-mail to your home or office just let us know at pirate@acelink.net .. otherwise you'll get 95% of it here. Why only 95%? Because I tend to tell the brutal truth as I see it on many issues/products and while I don't mind spewing "my opinion" into your home, office or cell, I have no desire to slam, insult, or malign any company, individual, competitor in public.. unless they blatantly deserve it.

While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered or meek, amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you look elsewhere for your written info-tainment. So it is written.. so let it be done....

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: April 2007 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the day.....

Vizzini watches excitedly as the Man in Black takes the goblets, turns his back. A moment later, he turns again, faces Vizzini, drops the iocane packet. It is now empty. The Man In Black rotates the goblets in a little shell game maneuver then puts one glass in front of Vizzini, the other in front of himself.
Man In Black: All right: where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right and who is dead.
Vizzini: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet, or his enemy's?
Vizzini: Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I'm not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Man In Black: You've made your decision then
Vizzini: Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.
Man In Black: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Vizzini: Wait till I get going! Where was I?
Man In Black:
Yes -- Australia, and you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Man In Black:
You're just stalling now.

Vizzini: (cackling) You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong. So, you could have put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard which means you must have studied. And in studying, you must have learned that man is mortal so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me. But as you are dressed as a pirate I can clearly deduce that you read the Cheesy Pirates Lair Newsletter which makes you more informed than most making you overly confident in your decision making so I can clearly not choose the goblet in front of you.
Man In Black: You're trying to trick me into giving away something -- it won't work.
(triumphant) It has worked -- you've given everything away -- I know where the poison is.
Man In Black: Then make your choice.
Vizzini: I will. And I choose - suddenly he stops, points at something behind the Man In Black. -- what in the world can that be?

Vizzini .. Wallace Shawn / Man in Black.. Cary Elwes .... The Princess Bride 1987

News From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Product Review: CRYSTAL-GLO Spray Polish

A long time ago in a cheesy newsletter a click away.. December Issue 2005.. I unabashedly proclaimed " I'm Spartucus..!...er.. wrong proclomation..sorry.. . "Crystal-Glo Acrylic Motorcycle Polish is the best motorcycle polish I've ever used".. and I still believe it. What's more.. their vinyl spray is also the best vinyl product I've ever used, so when I got notice that they had a new product on the market.. I promptly started salivating like Pavlov's dog. Here's the info I recently received in my dealer notification.... (pasted from their wordage)..

Crystal-Glo Manufacturing, makers of innovative cleaners and protectants, introduce Crystal-Glo Spray Polish for in-between Polishing-quickly and easily produces an instant "wet" look. Spray on, wipe-off formula maintains that "just polished" showroom look to your Motorcycle in seconds. Cleans scuffs, marks, oily fingerprints, and fresh surface contaminants. Frequent use in-between polishing refreshes shine and protection. Excellent for helmets & visors: All Paints, Clear Coat, Chrome, Fiberglass, Smooth Plastic, Polished Metal, Aluminum, Mirrors and Glass.

I asked for a bottle for evaluation and got one on Feb 25th. My hopes were high but the stuff, while VERY good, isn't much better than either the Plexus or the Speed Shine (designed for the same purpose) which I've been using for years. The Canadian-made Crystal-Glo Spray Polish is VERY similar to the Speed Shine. Both apply about the same..Both (unlike Plexus) take a few seconds to dry before buffing. Both leave a great shine with some depth, but there's one noticeable difference.. the odor. The Speed Shine smells wonderful ...heavenly, even. The Crystal-Glo Spray Polish smells kinda funky.

Bottom line... I think I have been spoiled by how good the other Crystal-Glo products are and perhaps I was expecting another product revelation. That was not to be. All 3 of the aforementioned spray wax products are "worthy". If I had to choose one.. I'd choose Plexus. My second choice would be the Speed Shine over the Crystal-Glo but only because of the odd smell. These two products are virtually indistinguishable otherwise. The Speed Shine is made here in the USA. HooRah..

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New K12 Software Update Details : 8.0 and CIP 8.0.1

As reported in last months cheesy newsletter.. the latest K12 software upgrade option is imminent.. It's meant for the K1200S, K1200R, R Sport, and new K1200GT. So what does the new version do for us?? Here are a few details furnished from the motherland..

* Affects all models of the R, K, and F Series:
* Introduction of a new variant of the BMS-K control unit: BMS-KP
* BMS-KP replaces BMS-K and is retrospectively envisaged as replacement for BMS-K (for any future repairs).
* Implementation of ASC functionality (only in conjunction with I-ABS generation II.

* Affects all models with the optional extras "ESA" (SA 416) and/or "Windshield"
* Evaluation of outside temperature sensor extended to -40°C from -10°C)
* Valid only with ESA with potentiometer: Improvement of stepper positioning of rebound (and if available compression) damping with automatically initiated recalibration.
* Valid only with ESA with Hall sensor: corrects the following situation: If a fault occurred during ESA adjustment, then during the next ignition “on/off” cycle the automatically initiated recalibration of the stepper motors of the rebound (and if available compression) damping would not be correctly positioned.
* The ESA menu was made permanently accessible during the adjustment procedure (no longer disappears). In addition, activation of the ESA display was fine-tuned.
* The socket is no longer activated when the anti-theft alarm system (DWA) is "woken up" with the remote control.

* The unit "mls/h" is replaced by "mph" in the display - affects only vehicles with optional extra onboard computer.
* The "RDC" display is now shown in the 2nd line of the display (previously in the 1st line) - affects the K44 without optional extra "onboard computer."

What's New In the K1200RS/GT/S/R No-Spin Zone

I should note that as the RS and first generation GT has been discontinued, I receive less and less news of any new products for them.. I mention this as a few semi-loyal subscribers have accused me of abandoning our roots.. Not true.. I only report what's going on.. Don't shoot the messenger.. I will NEVER abandon the K1200RS crowd. It appears that the times.. they are a changin.' Deal with it. Also.. a special thx to www.I-BMW.com, www.K-Bikes.com , and www.BMWK1200S.com for the information & pictures I regularly pilfer from these chat sites..

1. Well pardners, the Texas Hill Country Roundup 2007 is upon us. The official dates are April 23rd, 24th, 25th and 26th. It will start on Monday and end Thursday. This year they will have two dinners overlooking the Guadeloupe River. You can get additional information on www.I-BMW.com, under Forums-Rallies-THCR2007.

Of all the K12 rallies, this is my favorite. The Texas Hill Country is such a wonderful area to ride..Truly a motorcycle Mecca. Lots of twisties, triple digit straights, great food, and the always cheerful Sgt Sanchez to welcome you with a big warm Texas smile and open arms.. and cuffs.. Wish I could make it this year.. Damn!

2. If you have a K1200S or R and like me, you feel your rear brake is as useless as lipstick on a badger.. apparently there is a solution being offered from BMW.. They have a fix!! Praise Crom!! SIB (Service Info Bulletin) # 3400806060. We have heard that they are replacing the rear pedal with a new one. It seems that the old version was binding. Thx Shelley

3. I was afraid of this... Kisan contacted me just recently with the heads up that they failed to work out all the gremlins in their K1200S & K1200GT TailBlazer kits. Many of the new BMW's (about 50%) were having dash warning lights come on after these were installed. They tried quite a few different fixes but none would eliminate ALL the problems in ALL the bikes. Apparently, each new software version caused all new problems. Damn Germans.. Andy, their holy tech guy explained it thusly...

(A) The 20W-D or 20W-S TailBlazers WILL activate the 'LAMPR' icon in the LCD panel, when the brakes are applied. If we attempt to disable this lamp-check feature with our software during the time that the brakes are applied, BMW's computer keeps it off for the duration of the ride. That's no good.

(B) On some BMWs with the older ZFE software (7.1 or older) the Yellow warning triangle comes on. There's no way to know for sure. Needless to say, anyone with the Yellow triangle lighting-up has a much lower threshold for lamp-check detection. In such cases, we are suggesting that they use LPC-16 (LPB-16) products or return the tailBlazer.

(C) On the sales that we make, we are including a label with each 20W product explaining the 'LAMPR" warning.

Unlike Kisan, I have decided to pull them from our product line and offered refunds to all the prepaid customers who were waiting. Bottom line.. due to the complexity of the new bikes, Kisan couldn't work out all the bugs to my satisfaction...If anyone still wants them.. Kisan is selling them from their website. I should add that the Kisan Sequential License Plate Frame works perfectly on the aforementioned bikes...I have one of those on my own K1200S.

4. The 2007 K1200GT has a new seat! Looks like BMW is listening. After receiving a sh#*..er. boatload of complaints they have just introduced a new version seat. The new seat can be identified in a few ways. The rider seat almost feels like a combo gel/foam and molds very nicely to one's butt. There is no sensation, as on the original seat, of jamming into the tank or the sensation that you are sitting on the narrow edge of a 2X4. Squeeze the new seat and it's supple and pliant. The combo (rider/pillion) can also be identified by the pillion section which is sculpted and very thick, almost creating a back rest for the rider. the forward most part almost comes to a point/triangle. This whole seat is a very, very different seat and looks like a major improvement. However, it will not work on any GT with a build date earlier than NOV '06, or thereabouts, UNLESS the new pillion seat is also purchased. The new low seat is LONGER and as such requires a SHORTER pillion. They must be ordered as a pair. They do come in both heated and non-heated. I'm sure they'll be reasonably priced... Bwaaaaa.

5. In my March Issue Cheesy Newsletter I was ranting about my woefully painful experience trying to get some custom leathers made by Vanson Leathers. I had wondered if it was only me having the probs with them.. (could it have been my breath?)...that is until I got flooded with other similar stories including the following from a fellow K12'er .. (pasted as received)

"Jerry, I just got the newsletter and about fell out of my chair laughing about your adventures in getting the stuff you ordered from Vanson. It sounds so familiar. I went up there for a perfed suit and left feeling like God himself was gonna make it for me. The first jacket they sent me was the wrong friggin color! The pants were screwed up, the jacket had a broken snap at the neck. I ordered a pair of gloves...you'd think that I wanted an alligator jumpsuit. It's been over a year now and they've sent me three different pairs of gloves...each wrong in a different way. At one point Pauline was telling me that they were out of deerskin; I offered to kill one in my backyard and bring it up on the hood of my car. No thank you. Finally, except for the gloves, I got everything I ordered and damned if the stuff isn't perfect, BUT......How the hell do these people stay in business? Thanks for the chance to vent." B.A in NJ

6. FYI.. The 2007 Keith Code California Superbike School schedule is up! You want to be fast? Forget about buying that new exhaust, or performance chip, or aftermarket air filter kit...er..Krikey..!! What am I saying!!! Honestly, if you want to learn more about riding fast in 2 days than you have in 30+ years of riding on your own this, IMHO is the best riding school out there.. certainly the oldest. Worth every doubloon. Do it!

7. Need a new O2 sensor or spark plugs for your K1200RS/GT/R/S, etc but you cringe when you think about your wallet being sucked into oblivion by your local BMW dealer? Bet you didn't know there were alternative brands on the market, didja? Yep...can buy the Bosch brand for your BMW at Euro Motoelectrics

8. Pack Parts Carbon Fiber Warning: You know those Carbon Fiber Inner Fairing Wings sold by Pack Parts? Click Here for a pic. One of our customers brought it to my attention that the sharp outer edges (the pointy V edges in the bottom of this pic) ) can scratch or gouge the factory paint. I have these on my own KS and noticed the day I installed them that they might potentially scratch the paint so I took a Dremel tool and sanded off the sharpest edges AND covered the contact point on my factory body panel with a small strip of 3M. I'm guessing that not everyone is as anal or observant as myself so I strongly suggest anyone that has these pieces do the same...BTW.. The German manufacturer says they do NOT consider it a design flaw and won't change it.. Whatever.. They look great on these bikes..well worth 30 seconds worth of sanding.

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. Sliding forward when coming to a stop? Scuffing up your tank with your knees and jacket? Your wife sliding off the bike during late night garage sex? Due to a a few dozen emails after last months momentous newsletter, I've just added the Tech Spec Gripster Tank Protector Kits to our product line. We offer a kit for the K1200S and one for the new GT.. TechSpec is working on one for the K1200R so we'll add that later. Each peel-n-stick kit has 3 pieces.. both sides of the tank for knee protection and a tank protector... All kits are $50. This kit offers grip AND protection.. By gripping the tank with your legs, a rider can improve the overall control of a motorcycle, control of their body weight, and obtain a more positive seat position. Improved control of the riders body weight will help improve overall handling. Increased control equals a smoother, less fatigued, more enjoyable ride with longer lasting erections. Note: These kits do not prevent AIDS or other STD's. Lastly.. I need pics for my website of these kits installed on a K1200S. The ONLY pic I have (which is on the web page) is horrible and shows this stuff to be shiny.. which it is not. Please email any pics and I'd be eternally grateful.

Click Here for the K1200R Sport Section.. If You Dare!

2. Are you sick and tired of some cage trying to take your lane while you happen to be using it? Don't get mad... get LOUD. We've just added the Stebel Nautilus Dual-tone Air Horn to our sacred menu. It's rated at a gut-bustin' 139dB so you'll be as loud as most European cars and/or many ex-wives. Includes virtually zero mounting hardware except for a single M8 mounting bolt and a relay for providing a direct, high current attachment to the motorcycle's battery. The Nautilus is 800% louder than your single factory meep meep horn. Fits virtually all motorcycles if you have the room. A relay comes with the kit... and that's all the customer needs to wire, however... we also offer a plug-n-play wiring kit which makes wiring the relay 100% easier for those with a chimp-like wiring skills.. like myself.. I highly recommend it... I have one on my own bike and while the install was a bitch... it's worth it. Can Bus compatible. Feel safer..

3. Got a new Ducati 1098? Of course you do. I guess you know that sooner or later you're gonna need to remove your rear wheel so I'll give you the bad news now... You're gonna need a 55mm socket tool to remove that rear axle nut.. The good news is.. We just found out that the F4/Brutale Socket Tool we've been selling to the MV Agusta F4 crowd fits the 1098 perfectly. Is that cool or what?

4. Amber and I have pretty much decided that we're going to throw a K12 Party during the 2007 RA International Rally which is being held here in Asheville, NC. For now all I can say for sure is that it'll be FREE with FREE food... burgers, hot dogs, badger, etc... to anyone with a K12.... Details to come..

5. One thing we have never sold at Pirates Lair is a full or midsize tank bag. Well.. those days are over. We just received our first shipment of sweetest looking German tankbags I've ever seen.The Bags-Connection "Engage" Quick-Lock Tankbag is designed to fit the K1200RS, K1200GT, K1200S, K1200R, and R Sport. It comes with a quick-release gas-cap mounting system.. no straps.. no magnets.. no adhesive panty strips.. The tankbag itself never even touches your gas tank due to the gas cap mounting system, but instead hovers over it with about 1/4" clearance so there's no worries about scratching your paint. Rain cover is included and we offer an optional snap-on map pocket. Trust me.. this bag is cooler than freon.. and most know that I HATE tank bags.. I deem this one worthy. FYI.. I do NOT have a web page up yet as I haven't gotten around to taking pics.. For now this is the only one I have...Click Here If you want to order, for now you'll have to call Amber at 828.628.7093 EST.. Price for the bag and mounting hardware is $185. With the optional map pocket the prices is $200 to your US door/cell/rehab center.

6. We just determined that our K1200S / K1200R Pirates Lair Radar Detector Mount also fits the R1200S... Sauce for the goose, Mr Savik.

7. Insane Sale Notice!!: Two Brothers Exhaust Slip-Ons for the K1200S, K1200R, and R Sport. Two Bros gave us a rare deal if we purchased a quantity so we're passing on the savings to our quasi-esteemed customers. We are offering $160 off retail on our C-5 Oval Slip-On Kits while they last. These kits include the connector and all mounting hardware. I currently have a (2) left in stock. If you choose not to use the PayPal buttons on our web page, call Amber at 828.628.7093 EST and she can take your order over the phone with the sale price.

Here's what we have left....
(1) In Stock / C5 Lg Oval Slip On - Carbon Fiber Retail $650 / Sale Price $490.US (Fed/Ex Ground Included) ! Super Sale Price!
(1) In Stock / C5 Lg Oval Slip On - Titanium Retail $650 / Sale Price $490.US (Fed/Ex Ground Included) ! Super Sale Price!

8. Doing track days? Deals Gap warrior? Alcoholic? Lesson the damage of going down on your K1200R or R Sport with a little aftermarket insurance! We now have our K1200R / R Sport Sliders page up. We offer a full "R" slider package or you can order individual sliders to suit your sick, demented needs.

9. We should have some of the new Ilmberger Carbon Fiber Solo Seat Cowlings for the K1200S any day now.. It's cool.. it's beautiful.. it's expensive!

Rally News/Info: Down The Road: 2007

Texas Hill Country K12 Roundup 2007: April 23rd-26th (Contributed by James Myrick aka James of Texas over at www.I-BMW.com )

Well Partners, the Texas Hill Country Roundup 2007 is upon us. The official dates are April 23rd, 24th, 25th and 26th. It will start on Monday and end Thursday. This year they will have two dinners that will be outside on the patio, overlooking the Guadeloupe River. You can get additional information on www.I-BMW.com, under forums-Rallies-THCR2007. This year registration and the 2 dinners are $50.00 per person.
It will be held at the River Inn Resort in Hunt, Texas. A one bedroom is $55.00 plus tax, some do have sofa sleepers and they all have a refrigerator and microwave.

Please call 1-800-841-0501 and talk with Cindy, Michelle or Brenda and tell them you are with the BMW motorcycle group. (NO on-line reservations available) Mon-Fri 8am to 5pm cst. Sat. and Sun. 9am to 4pm CST, only. We have taken the whole facility which is less than 50 rooms. So, it's first come, first serve, please reserve your room now. Deadline for liability wavier and registration will be on April 6th, (Good Friday). There will be no late registration or paying for dinners at the Roundup.

Also, there will be a Pre-THCR07 Gathering, April 20th, 21st and 22nd in the Big Bend Texas area. Information available on I-BMW.com.
So, there you have it folks. Lets get together, ride, eat and enjoy what the Hill Country has to offer. Hope to see you soon.

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Blue Ridge Parkway K12 Rally 2007: May 17th - 20th, 2007 (Contributed by our good buddy, Sir Tim Hudspeth aka CBNFVR over at www.I-BMW.com )

Where: Peaks of Otter Lodge, Blue Ridge Pkwy mp 86, Virginia
When: May 17th thru 20th, 2007 (Thur – Sun)
This is the weekend after Mother's Day, before Memorial Day, and well after the Georgia Mtn Rally.
Call Peaks of Otter Lodge for reservations @ 1.540.586.1081 • 1.800.542.5927 • Fax 1.540.586.4420
Note: Specify one bed or two. !! Blue Ridge Parkway info and maps can be found here and here

Don’t know what BRPR is? It is us. Real people, riding, laughing, and promoting all sorts of debauchery for three days. Rain or shine. If you don’t have a good time,.sell the bike. FYI.. I'm already booked!

Alternate Lodging (info only) :
Super 8 – Bedford
Days Inn – Bedford

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35th Annual BMW RA International Rally: June 7th-10th, 2007

We just got the official word.. The 2007 RA International Rally will be held here in Asheville, North Carolina on June 7-10th. The location is set for the Biltmore Estate .

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2007 Deals Gap K12 Rally: Sept 27-29 (Contributed by our good buddy, Sir Tim Hudspeth aka CBNFVR over at www.I-BMW.com )

Tapoco Lodge at Deal's Gap again for 2007, Sept 27th - 29th. It won't hold us all, so make plans now! Amber and I are already booked!!
No sign-up sheet . Just reserve a room and be there! If you were there this year and didn't sign up for 2007, call Tapoco NOW before someone else gets your room. Most of us from this year already have a room reserved, so it's not too soon to plan.

Friday noon meal (at 1:00pm) will be at the Troll Restaurant in Helen, Ga (under the bridge)
Saturday noon meal (at 1;00 pm) will be at the Bistro, Telico Plains, Tennessee (western end of the Cherohala)

As usual, Fri and Sat evening will consist of tall tales, video worthy of Americas Most Wan.. er Funniest, and food in the Lodge. No set times.

Alternate Lodging in Robbinsville, NC. Microtel Motel.
Closest dealer (err, one in Knoxville yet?) Touring Sport BMW Greenville, SC

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How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

No contributions this month.. .but it wouldn't hurt to re-read the ones we have!!! Could these tips save your life? Dare you NOT look?

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive on your Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.. Remember.. we're all in this together.. so use deodorant.

BMW How-To Section

Nothing new this month..

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues