"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Each month or so, when I deem you are worthy, we put out our cheesy K12 newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW K12RS/GT world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out? If you want to subscribe and have these sent via e-mail to your home or office just let us know at pirate@acelink.net .. otherwise you'll get 90% of it here. Why only 90%? Because I tend to tell the brutal truth as I see it on many issues/products and while I don't mind spewing "my opinion" into your home, office or cell .. I have no desire to slam, insult, or malign any company, individual, competitor in public.. unless they blatantly deserve it.
While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered or meek, amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you look elsewhere for your written info-tainment.
So it is written.. so let it be done....

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: August 2004 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed K12 Riders.... ..A famous (and slightly edited) movie moment to start the day......

We see the silhouette of an unmistakable figure. It's Snake Plissken all right, live and in the flesh. Snake walks into Hauk's office and sits down. He raises his cuffed hands as if to say "Take these off me, asshole," but he doesn't actually say anything.

Hauk: I'm not a fool...
Plissken: SNAKE (coooooool) Call me Ssssnake.
Hauk: (Hauk puts on his glasses and proceeds to read a file. ) S.D. Plissken. American Lieutenant. Special Forces Unit, Black Flight. Two Purple Hearts, Leningrad and Siberia. Youngest man to be decorated by the President. You robbed the federal reserve depository. Life sentence, New York Maximum Security Penitentiary. I'm ready to kick your ass out of the world, War Hero.
Snake: (strikes a match and takes a drag from his cigarette.) Who are you?
Hauk: Hauk. Police Commissioner.
Snake: Why are we talking?
Hauk: I have a deal for you. You'll receive full pardon for every criminal act committed in the United States plus the monthly Pirates' Lair Cheesy Newsletter.
Hauk: (pressing his advantage) There was an accident about an hour ago. A small jet went down inside New York City. The President was on board.
Snake: President of what?
Hauk: That's not funny, Plissken. You go in, find the President and bring him out in 24 hours, and you're a free man.
Snake: Twenty-four hours, huh?
Hauk: I'm making you an offer. Give me an answer.
Snake: Get a new president.

Snake Plisskin / Kurt Russell . . Hauk / Lee Van Cleef / Escape From New York / 1981

Yes, it's time again boys and girls. Time to invade your personal space and clutter your in-box, but with the quasi-noble intent of informing you of what's new in the BMW K1200RS/GT community and... at Pirates' Lair.

Blue Ridge Pky Warning from George Orwell: Speeders Be Afraid
This is scarier than anything M. Night Shyamalan could dream up..

"Speeders on the Blue Ridge Parkway are in for steeper fines ­ now $500 up from $150 ­ if park rangers deem the drivers were causing a serious risk to themselves or others. Tim Francis, district ranger for the southern portion of the Blue Ridge Parkway, said the new fine is a much-needed deterrent. Sport bikes are too frequently clocked going “triple digit speeds” on curvy stretches, Francis said. The top speed Francis recalls is 120 mph.
Last year, rangers were battling a group of professional riders who had a standing challenge to fellow bikers: take the Parkway from Asheville to Swain County, ride the notorious Dragon’s Tail in Graham County, and return via the Parkway as quickly as possible.

Extremely risky driving could earn a $1,000 fine, as rangers can levy $500 for speeding and another $500 for the separate offense of reckless driving. In cases where $1,000 still doesn't seem like enough, rangers can continue to require the speeder to come to court, Francis said. Francis has taken a speeder to court and the judge handed down a $1,500 fine. "
Reported by By Becky Johnson in the Smoky Mountain News 7/ 21/04
You can see the entire article by Clicking HERE

... but now (as Paul Harvey would say)... "the rest of the story...
I spoke in depth with Ms Johnson (the article author) and a few BRPW rangers (off the record) and this is what THEY had to say.. Essentially.. this judge (Graham C Mullen), has given patrolling rangers the "option" of a $500 fine.. to be wielded with judiciousness against SERIOUS law breakers ONLY.. NOT the casual motorcyclist like you and me doing the standard 10-15 over on the 45mph parkway. They all agreed that holding motorcyclists to the same speeds as RV's and SUV's is ludicrous and they actually understand that a few MPH over the posted limit is still a safe activity while on 2 wheels.. The $500 fine option is in place simply for extreme cases of law breaking..(read: wild squids and/or bear rapists)


Can't Get It Up?

Have you ever dropped your K1200RS? It's one heavy mofo.. and I speak from painful experience... Check out our own Skirt's (aka Carol Youorski) How-To Pick Up Your Dropped Bike She's da man.. er.. so to speak. Skirt (at 5' 3" and 118 pounds ) has actually traveled around the US teaching her technique.


Tail of the Dragon Warriors, Lend Me Your Gears

I'm working on a new page for my website called How To Survive the Tail of the Dragon Been working on it for a while and it's not yet linked in....

As I'm lucky enough to live in the Deals Gap area and now consider myself a veteran of the Dragon, I thought I'd share some of my own tips to the newbies/pros/motards amongst us who may be facing it for the first time.. or the hundredth time. I'd like to ask for other tips/contributions/epiphanies from any other "Tail of the Dragon" veterans...

Just look over my tips and if you have something worth contributing, e-mail it directly to me and I'll add it with full credit going to you.


AeroFlow Shield Warning.... Pilfered from http://www.i-bmw.com/

We have heard of a few AeroFlow windscreens actually flying off bikes due to the four nylon screws shearing off! !.. not a good thing for you or the white-hair walking her 14 year old Chihuahua just to the side of the road...

Paige at AeroFlow,said there was a retrofit to go to stainless steel screws to replace the nylon (or later aluminum) screws that were supplied initially. Apparently, retrofit kits were sent out to some but not everyone. Bottom line, if you still use the nylon or aluminum screws, contact Paige at (888) 237-6777 and he will send you replacement screws.


What's new in the K1200RS/GT News...aka.. the No Wheel-Spin Zone

1. I have some of the latest pics of the K1200S in our photo gallery ... including a pic of an optional centerstand. It was furnished by Shiva over at http://www.bmwk1200s.com/ Guess the Germans weren't as stupid as I thought.. Quite smart, really... How many buyers do YOU think will purchase the "optional" stand? I'd guess about 80%.. I look for it as standard in year #2.. but ONLY if the 1st year buyers appropriately raise hell about having to pay extra for something that should be standard equipment. Also just found out that apparently it’s the first big BMW with a gear lever that can be easily reversed for a race set-up and... an optional lower seat ...putting your butt at only 790 mm (31.1") off the ground.. That's a full 1" lower than the current KRS and 2" lower than the GT.

After seeing the new pics, me thinks it's a damn good looking machine..Still will wait until year two before I take the plunge now matter how good it is.. .Lastly.... Reliable sources say the Germans will be offering a NAKED version soon after Sept release.

2. and speaking of S bikes... I have no idea how true it is (and can get no confirmation) but I heard from a dealer who will be attending the S bike release in Sept that there will be a 750cc version S bike......!! Wouldn't THAT be tasty?

3. There's a new product on the market called Bug Guards for Beemers from a fellow rider, Gene Sweeney at 410.608.4972. I think he's advertising at http://www.bmwlt.net/ It's a kit containing two mesh metal screens that attach directly to the radiator of your K1200RS/GT/LT via velcro to protect from bugs and debris. Rather than directly against the radiator, his kit attaches about 1/4-1/2" out in front of the fins as to not obstruct air flow.. I received a sample of the material.. looks cool, no pun intended.These screens come in aluminum or black at between $40/$45. Quality looks first rate... Would welcome any opinions...Looks like a good way to protect our life giving cooling fins..

4. The #1 German K1200RS/GT Chat site ...the evil twin ..er..counterpart of http://www.i-bmw.com/, now has an international section for those of us who speak only English. It's still a challenge to figure out login procedure and which buttons mean reply, post, or "lets attack the French" are still in German, but the moderators are very helpful and these guys sure have different perspectives on these bikes.. and us.. Sprechen Sie Deutsches?.

5. There will be a US made Short Shift Kit on the market any day now. Well.. that's what they told us a month ago... Cost will be an estimated $160 with no core charges or modifications necessary. Just bolt on on and shift like the best Japanese bikes. .. Much less than what www.Verholen.de charges. There will be two versions.. One for the 97-2001 models and the other for the 2002+ models. If you have one of these kits on your bike (like I do) you know how big a difference it makes..My K12 now shifts quicker than my MV Agusta F4! Details to come..

6. I don't know if you receive Rider Magazine or not. FYI, every month, religiously, CBT Imports Inc.(the lone importer in the US of Staintune Exhaust Systems) has an ad in Rider's "Marketplace" section of their own. Not this month...there is no CBT ad that I can find, however, Staintune themselves ran a full page (inside back page) beautiful color ad with their website address www.staintune.com.au listed and not a mention of the sex offenders..er..importers from California. Do you think Staintune has figured out the American consumer can only have their ass stretched out so far until we're fed-up?

If you'll peer back into the past..(picture here the wavy lines from Wayne's World...) more specifically at our May 2004 Newsletter I prophesied thusly...
" We have pulled the K1200RS'GT Staintune Exhausts from our product line due to price gouging from the lone importer, CBT Imports. They claim that the new pricing is due to the strong Euro, but we believe this is b%#@*t.. We called Staintune directly and asked about the increase and they admitted the problem was solely CBT and they were NOT happy at all. The problem is, CBT has a contract for exclusivity in importing the Staintunes to the US.... but not for much longer... Things are about to change as Staintune is trying to get out of the contract (or it's about to expire) and are looking for a handful of vendors to retail them in the US..."

Hmm.. sounds to me like Staintune has made a move..or have they? I'll be contacting them this next week to see if they'll let Pirates Lair handle their systems directly... Stay tuned!

What's new at Pirates' Lair?

We just started carrying complete PIAA Sport Touring Light Kits featuring the 1100X PIAA Powersports Lamps (these are the round ones made specifically for motorcycles..) custom mounting brackets for both early and late model K12's, wiring harness (with relay), handlebar mounted switch, and mounting hardware for your RS or GT. Instructions even a Morlock could follow.

2. We are still waiting for our first shipment of Carbon Fiber Front Fenders . The Austrian import has a perfect pattern match for the Pyramid Huggers we import from the UK which is cool. Weighing in at just a few ounces, these are as light as mountain air and a perfect fit for every model year K1200RS, the K1200GT, and the R1150R. First order is in transit.. apparently via the Jamaican rowing team..

3. We have a new backrest in production... the R1100R Stealth. They should be on the menu in about 4 weeks... and the new R1200GS Stealth Backrest is not far behind.. Look for the GS version by fall..

4. Our latest offering...the Marc Parnes K12RS/GT Wheel Balance Kit Some of us choose to mount and balance our own tires.. Why? Because we hate to pay the local extortionist.. er.. dealer $60a tire to mount, scratch, and balance our tires when we can mount, scratch, and balance our own tires. Of all the balance kits on the market, this is the one I own and use. Become one with your bike.. Ahhhummmmmm..

5. We now have Lite Blazers License Plate Frames on the menu in our lighting accessory section. FYI.. this is a black license plate frame that has 3 rows of LED's along the bottom. The outer two rows of lights will be solid red running lights .. When the brakes are applied, the built in flasher causes the outer clusters to flash 6 – 7 times and then go solid, so you do not piss off the bubba/ex-SEAL/Postal employee sitting behind you. These are made my the same people who manufacture both Lite Buddy's and Run-N-Lites so I expect similar world class quality AND excellent customer service. For a Video MPG of the Lite Blazer in Action... Click HERE

6. The new Pirates' Lair Hats are almost ready...We have approved the final design.. waiting for the first shipment. Wearing one of the new hats will guarantee that you will have longer, spine tingling sex or your money back...Note: Guarantee does not apply to married men.

7. Our new K12RS/GT Headlight Protector Kits are now available! Have you ever priced a K12 headlight? Be afraid. Unlike the other kits on the market that are hard plastic attached via Velcro, our kit is an adhesive backed vinyl with a laminated acrylic coating. We are assured that it will withstand a pellet rifle shot from 20 feet with absolutely no damage to the lens! However, I will NOT be testing this advertised claim. Our kit is optically clear, treated not to yellow, and pre-cut to fit your K12RS or GT. Spray positioning liquid is included. Absolutely invisible when on the bike.. as it should be. Web page is in the works. If you can't wait, just call Amber at 828.628.7093EST and order directly.. on the telephone.. like our forefathers did.

8. While a shift lever lowering block is included with every peg lowering kit we sell, now and then we get requests for them from people with canoes for feet. For years we simply referred people to Bob's BMW, but in yet another purely capitalistic effort to pad our coffers even further...we have decided to carry these as well.. it's a simple bolt on item that lowers the shift lever pedal exactly 1" See.. we're looking out for your needs...

9. I have been road testing the Visual Alert from Marc Parnes Products with my V1 for the last few days. Works great, but before I order a quantity, I need some KRS opinions as to one issue.. The Visual Alert comes standard with a 12" cable... IMHO.. that doesn't give you/us much length to play with .. and I know how many of you would prefer a few more inches... My question to you, my quasi-esteemed brothers and sisters.. what do you think the correct length of the cord on the Visual Alert should be? Remember it plugs into the V1's Audio Accessory unit NOT the V1 itself and the Visual Alert must be in your line of sight. I think 24" should work for most of us no matter where we have it mounted.. Is 12" enough? What say ye?

10. We now have the Ohlins K1200RS/GT/LT Steering Damper Kit on the menu.... nad yes... it's another Pirates' Lair Exclusive! Most people don't realize that their factory steering damper wears out just like the shocks. At 25-30K, it's spent.. gone.... good for nothing more than deviant sexual toy or paperweight. If you haven't noticed, it's only because you have gotten used to it, like a nagging wife. Our complete damper and bracket kit comes with one Ohlin Damper, mounting bracket, all necessary mounting hardware, and instructions. Fits ALL K1200's. RS/GT/LT and is a direct bolt on with every model. You deserve the best.. or do you?


Rally News/Info: Down The Road: 2004 /

The 5th Annual Deals Gap K12 Rally will again be at the Tapoco Lodge on Sep 30th - Oct 3rd, 2004. As we did in 2003, Fontana Village and the Microtel Inn will be able to handle overflow. When contacting Tapoco about lodging mention K12RS BMW, or they may say they are full when actually it's reserved for "us". 828.498.2435 or 800.822.5083. Also.. you can try the San Ran Motel in Robbinsville at 828.479.3256. It's a mom & pop operation right next door to the Wendys. Clean and bike friendly. This will be the last K12 Rally of the year and probably the biggest... be there!! Amber and I will.

BTW.... As we did at the last Texas Hill Country Rally... Pirates Lair will bestow a FREE Pirates' Lair Hat to anyone who receives a speeding ticket while attending the rally or on the way to the rally....Why? Because we're Pirates!...and in our world.. some bad behavior is rewarded.. Arrrrrrgg.

The 2005 Hill Country Rally has already been scheduled for the following dates... April 7-10 No other information is available at this time, but I would surmise that it will be in the aging...er.. skillful hands of our friend and majority shareholder of San Fransico's newest biz.. Purple Hearts Same-Sex Wedding License Laminating Service, Inc ... Barry Gibbs. Stay tuned..

How to Survive On Your Motorcycle Tips
We have (3) new safety tips contributed by the quasi-esteemed Drew Bland of scenic Evansville, IN on our How To Survive on a Motorcycle Page Will it save your life? or make you safer? Look and see.. # 's 70, 71,and 72... Thanks, D!

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and I'll add it on.. Remember.. we're all in this together.. so use deodorant.

Guess that smells like the end... Take care.. ride safe...best wishes for a cool summer...see you in my mirrors..

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues