Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around the 1st or 15th of each month, when I deem you are worthy, we put out our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

If you want to subscribe and have these sent via e-mail to your home or office just let us know at pirate@acelink.net .. otherwise you'll get 95% of it here. Why only 95%? Because I tend to tell the brutal truth as I see it on many issues/products and while I don't mind spewing "my opinion" into your home, office or cell, I have no desire to slam, insult, or malign any company, individual, competitor in public.. unless they blatantly deserve it.

While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment. So it is written.. so let it be done....

Prepare to be boarded!

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: March 2012 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the month.....

The combat model replicant named Roy Batty has just saved Deckard's life. They sit facing each other on the rooftop. A heavy, cleansing rain washes over them.. The artificial human faces his mortality with the one person who had been tracking him. His programmed life clock has run out. Like a mortal... he wishes for ... more. He shares his last thoughts...

Roy: I've seen things you people wouldn't believe. Attack ships on fire off the shoulder of Orion. I watched C-beams glitter in the darkness at Tannhauser Gate. All those moments will be lost in time like tears in rain. Time to die.
*a white dove flies off... Deckard sits there in the rain...glad he's alive *
Deckard to Himself: I don't know why he saved my life. Maybe in those last moments he loved life more than he ever had before. Not just his life, anybody's life, my life. All he'd wanted were the same answers the rest of us want. Where did I come from? Where am I going? How long have I got? When is the next Cheesy Pirates' Lair Cheesy Newsletter coming out... All I could do was sit there and watch him die.

Roy... Rutger Hauer  / Deckard.. Harrison Ford /  Blade Runner .. 1982

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Picture Of The Month! Alone Time in Illinois! (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our March POTM was contributed by .. Doug Littlejohn ..of Marshall, IL. He says of the shot... "Pic was taken on a short stretch through Illinois farm country called Wilderness Road, south of Marshall Illinois around 4PM CST. The backroads in my part of the world are interesting and provide some nice motorcycling experiences, because they are almost all paved - even the remote county roads. Â During WWII, the largest petroleum tank farm in the US was situated not far from here (Marathon Pipeline still operates the tank farm in size-reduced form to this day, and it can be easily seen on Google Earth just west of Martinsville, IL) and the roads were typically paved at that time for the tankers to visit both the tank farm and the outlying pump stations. Â Since then, they have largely remained paved, simply because, well, that's the way it's always been.... I was out for a ride on my new-to-me 2009 K1300S on an almost-cloudless 58-degree Friday afternoon - a rarity for January in Illinois - when I noticed the afternoon lighting was offering a really nice contrast between bland-colored surroundings and the metallic paint on my bike. Â Pic was taken with a Canon G10. "

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of a BMW K1200S, K1300S, K1200RS, K1200R, R Sport, S1000RR, K1600GT, GTL, or any model year K1200GT or K1300GT and B. In focus.

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David Robb Out At BMW! Mystery in Munich!

David Robb, BMW’s high profile Vice President of Motorcycle Design, has left the company under a shroud of secrecy that would perplex Scully and Mulder. Mystery seems to surround Robb's departure which happened virtually overnight soon after the EICMA Milan show in November.

In Milan there was no hint this was going to happen. Not a word... not a whisper. Even now BMW is not commenting, no announcement has been made, and the news is not yet official although a company statement is slated soon. One suggestion is the mysterious, shock departure is due to a strong disagreement between Robb and BMW Motorrad’s General Director Hendrik von Künheim over the development of the "Low Rider" concept bike, in which Robb saw no future but which von Künheim wants to see in production.

Robb moved to head the motorcycle design team in 1993, and he immediately asked some fundamental questions – obvious ones maybe, but at the same time, difficult. “I wanted to know why BMW was only making touring bikes,” he says. “We had 19 models covering just two and a half market segments, and we were fighting ourselves for these sectors.”

Clearly he was right, but doing something about it was much harder. “We moved to differentiate the RS from the LT, and now you can clearly see what an RS, an LT or a cruiser is. It used to be hard to tell our models apart.” The 1997 K1200RS was considered a radical move for BMW at the time - its avante garde styling, un-BMW-like attitude and the fact it broke through the company's self-imposed 100hp power ceiling by some 30bhp were all highly experimental from a marketing point of view, and it wasn’t especially well received in every one of BMW’s markets.. ie.. the stodgy sissy twin crowd.. But other countries loved it, enough for the possibilities of Robb’s vision to be seen, and he was given the go ahead to continue his radical revisions. The rest is history. If David Robb hadn't kicked BMW into the future, this pirate wouldn't be riding BMW's and would never have started Pirates Lair. YOU wouldn't be reading this cheese filled newsletter.. IMHO, Robb's contribution to the industry (and my life) can not be overstated.

It’s a sobering thought that had the K1200RS not been a success, it is quite conceivable that BMW’s motorcycle division would have circled the wagons and continued to play safe, which in turn would have meant the whole crop of current BMW superbike designs would not have happened. The K1200RS was absolutely pivotal to the German company’s fortunes at the end of the 20th century and inarguable vindication of Robb's vision.Thx, David...

Trust no one!

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Smokey Mountain Motorcycle Rider! Two Hetero Lovers of the Blue Ridge Parkway!

A friend of mine sent me a link to Smokey Mountain Motorcycle Rider a few days ago and asked if I had ever heard of them.The site is devoted to motorcycle riding on the Blue Ridge and Smoky Mountains featuring maps, helpful tips for the rider, info on road conditions and lodging, ride videos, etc etc.. Sweet. As almost 95% of my riding is done on the BRPW, it didn't come as a shocker that I'd I actually met the guy that runs the website (Wayne Busch) on the parkway a few years ago. Some of my loyal readers may recall my recent article .. 30,000 Miles On The Blue Ridge Parkway... Apparently I'm not the only obsessive compulsive lover of the BRPW..

Wayne is also the purveyor of America Rides Maps and pens the Smoky Mountain Rider Blog. He apparently makes his living riding and exploring the great motorcycle roads of the Blue Ridge and Smoky Mountains. Rough life, huh?! My kinda guy.

In the past, when people ask me what's the best roads in the area I'd generally stumble my way through a list of the roads I ride which is difficult as I can't remember 1/2 the hwy numbers and I give worse directions than Stevie Wonder.. (Just say no to drugs, kids...) After spending a little time at Wayne's site and determining he's apparently the resident expert, I'm gonna just forward all future questions to Smokey Mountain Motorcycle Rider. He's got better info than this feeble mind could spew on my best day. Tell him I sent ya.

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The Oasis Of My Soul .. Financing the Road Less Traveled! Ara's "One Pan" Recipes!

There are few people in this world that I'm actually envious of. I could count them on 3 fingers. One is a tennis player, the other a surfer, the third is my good friend Ara Gureghian. I've known Ara for about 10 years or so. We met at the Georgia Mountain BMW according to him. I thought it was Deals Gap, but my memory ain' t for chit these days so he's probably right.

Ara, you see, is living the true adventurer's life. The last I heard, the 60+ year old youngster has been on the road close to 6 years. He and his trusty companion Pit Bull, Spirit roam the world on his '96 BMW R1100GS (with 260,000 original miles) and side car rig. Life plays by his rules rather than the other way around. Google "motorcyclist" and I'll imagine his picture will come up. If it doesn't.. it should. He's the real deal in a world of personal branding and marketing, relentless social media and networking, and Kardashians.

Besides being a unique individual who is fun to hang out with, a world traveler, and a world-class photographer, (you have got to check out some of the mind blowing pics on his site...) Ara is also a trained professional chef. He got his Culinary at the "Institut International de Glion Sur Montreux," in Switzerland then owned or worked in various restaurants around the world, before deciding to change his lifestyle by hitting the road. Actually.. there's a back story to Ara's lifestyle.

Ara and Spirit on a cold day in Big Bend flats, Texas.

Ara was dealt a dark card 8 years ago when he lost his only child, his son "Lance" to liver cancer after a two year battle. He tried to maintain his business for another two years, but to no avail. Broke from his life savings going toward Lance's medical bills, having nothing else to loose, he turned to what he also knew and felt best about. "Riding" and "Mother Nature." Currently, he gets a meager monthly social security check so with free camping they make due.

Up until recently, besides the government checks, he financed his adventures as a hired chef to the wealthy. I'm not 100% sure, but I think he worked maybe 2 months a year, getting paid big bucks, then hitting the road again with Spirit. Can you imagine? Me either. If curious as to what his life must be like, you can always follow his adventures on-line as he blogs about it daily (and it's posted weekly) on his website... The Oasis Of The Soul.

Recently, Ara came up with a new idea for financing his travels and as my friend I thought I'd mention it here in this cheesiest of newsletters. For a limited time he's offering his personal recipes for a small donation which can be made via Paypal on his site. Simple and brilliant. If you go to his site, just click on "One Pan Recipes" and it'll take you to where you can order his culinary offerings.. A few examples.. Balsamic Cranberry Dijon Chicken, Pasta Carbonara, Grilled Salmon topped with Guacamole, Chicken with a Garbanzo Bean Salad, Sweet and Sour Chicken, Tilapia with Black Beans, Shrimp over Pasta, Chicken with Feta Cheese and Bacon, Pineapple Mango Pork or Chicken.. and the list goes on. He's recently also started a T Shirt and merchandise store. Of course Spirit, always in full gear with his goggles and helmet, is the star.

I could never do what Ara is doing and I'd bet my kingdom not many of our readers could or would either. Most of us have become domesticated divas needing a hot shower, Tempur-pedic mattress, and our trusty remote at the end of the day. Tonight, Ara will be sitting under the moon and stars with only his thoughts and his faithful companion by his side. Kicked back under the heavens with nary a sound, but the wind and crackle of a roaring camp fire.

If you'd like to help keep Ara and Spirit's 's adventure alive and get some one-off recipes, tees, mouse pads, etc, etc, I'm sure he'd appreciate any support and/or donations no matter how small..

What's New In the K12 / K13 / K16 / S1000RR No-Spin Zone

I should note that as the K1200RS and first generation K1200GT have been discontinued, I receive less and less news of any new products for them.. I mention this as a few semi-loyal subscribers have accused me of abandoning our roots.. Not true.. I only report what's going on.. Don't shoot the messenger.. I will NEVER abandon the K1200RS crowd. It appears that the times.. they are a changin.' Deal with it. Also.. a special thx to www.I-BMW.com, www.K-Bikes.com , and www.BMWK1200S.com for the information & pictures I regularly pilfer from these sites..

1. MV Verholen Of Germany delivers yet again with this impressive K1600GTL / K1600GT Peg Lowering Kit. Bad knees? Join the club. This adjustable Driver Peg Kit for your K1600GTor GTL offers so many positions, the possibilities are almost endless! The adapter can be mounted upwards or downwards to either raise or lower the pegs! The universal adapter can be rotated 360 degrees and extends up to 40mm from the stock position. The footrests can be mounted further forward and under for comfortable riding or further back for a racing style positioning. It mounts using an M10 screw, making it absolutely stable and secure. If you don't want to take the time of ordering from Germany... of course you can get them at Pirates Lair.

2. "Q" probably came up with this little gadget for 007. Hide your motorcycle plates with the touch of a button from red light cameras or the blue meanies! This kit (which ships from Poland) fits the BMW S1000RR and K1300S. If the link doesn't work, type in Ebay product item # 110797072576.

3. Shorai Batteries just had an across the board price increase... Up to a sphincter bustin' $229.95... While they may be light as a feather and have the best warranty around... IMHO the price is pushing the boundaries of reason..For the weight savings, I'd still buy one but I'd sure whine about it afterwards..

4. According to Roadracing World.com... BMW Motorrad USA Sales Grew 7.4% in 2011! Guess what the best selling model was?? I would have guessed wrong.

5. Looking for highway pegs for your BMW K1600GTL or K1600GT?? Look no further than Ilium Works. The infinitely adjustable set sells for $299.US + shipping.

6. Speaking of Illium Works.. Looks like they are also working on K1600GT / GTL Engine Guards for the aforementioned bikes.. Price is yet to be announced. Here's what they look like.. Click Here.

7. Most experienced riders or pilots know that you should always keep your eyes moving while riding. Never fixate.. Never heard this?? Then aren't you glad you are reading this cheese? Here's a demonstration that proves how important this premise is.. Motion Induced Blindness.

8. It's a sign of the times... Remus just had an across the board price hike on all their exhausts... A lot has to do with the economy... some of it has to do with the fact that shipping costs worldwide rose about 7% on Jan 1st..

9. I found a very nicely done Step by Step Power Outlet Install on K1600GTL over at the www.I-BMW.com site.... Thx, Matthew..

10. Not many things these days are FREE... Other than this cheese filled newsletter, lies from politicians, and oxygen... I'm pullin' a blank.. Just got word from Vics (big Kahuna over at www.I-BMW and huge HD fan) that they are offering FREE, I-BMW reflective stickers... Check them out for details!!!

11. Looking for a sleek way to centrally mount a GPS on your BMW K1200RS?? There are few decent mounts out there these days for the venerable RS. Most are ugly as Jane Hathaway on a meth bender... This one isn't.. the Single-Flex Cockpit-Mount from Saeng / TA.

12. No idea how legal this is, but lest ye forget.. I am a pirate. Here's a completely downloadable BMW S1000RR Service Manual 1st Edition 06-2010 CD/DVD

13. Motorcyclist On-Line just published their 2012 BMW S1000RR | First Ride - More Than Skin Deep .. If you were on the fence on the RR... this will push you over to the dark side..

Saeng  Single-Flex Mount

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. We hear more complaints about the factory gas caps on the BMW K1600GT and K1600GTL than any other single item. What up wit dat? Apparently the German designers missed the mark on the design. Not to worry.. Pirates Lair has your back. Check out these sweet looking American-made SSR Billet Aluminum BMW K16 Race Gas Caps. Sleek, attractive, and functional. This is a direct replacement for your factory fuel filler cap and includes stainless steel fasteners and new O-rings. Easy on/easy off without a key. They come in Silver and/or Black. Fits the K1600GTL, K1600GT, R1200GS (08 and up), F800S/ST (all years) R1200R / R1200S (all years). Cost is a reasonable $90.US delivered. and BTW.. we also have them for the BMW S1000RR.. Sweet!! and BTW.. a few have asked me how these compare to the more expensive Oberon Gas Caps. Those go for almost $50 more.. Here's what I think..

Comparing them side by side, the Oberon is clearly better functionally and IMHO.. visually as well. The British-made Oberon cap turns better in the opening reflecting better machine work.. It screws on and off with only 1 or two turns making getting the cap on/and off easier. The SSR requires 4-5 twists. The Oberon is noticeably more substantial. I admit, appearance is subjective. You can see minor machining swirl marks in both brand caps, so that's a non-issue. One thing the SSR has over the Oberon is that the cap material on the SSR is a dead on match to the actual cap... On the Oberons.. the cap is always just slightly off as if it's made from a different material or different block of aluminum.. Having seen them and played with them side by side, I'd put either on my bike, but if I had to choose.. I'd go with the Oberon cap.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

2. As mentioned in the section above... Shorai Batteries just had an across the board price increase...

3. It's a sign of the times... Remus just had an across the board price hike on all their exhausts ...I should have all the 2012 prices in place on our website by the time this goes to press. A lot has to do with the economy... some of it has to do with the fact that shipping costs worldwide rose about 7% in the last few months..

4. The factory BMW K1200S & K1200R tail light is an abomination to anyone with sight and quite possibly .. even the blind. The factory piece looks like a baboon's ass after a gang rape.. What were the Germans thinking?? Enter the Wunderlich with the Triton 2 LED Taillight. Turn your tail section into a crowning highlight of the bike rather than an affront to humanity. Completely Can-Bus compatible. Read my full review of the Triton 2.. Expensive yes.. Worth it?? Hell yes..!! How do you put a price on ridding yourself of reoccurring baboon-ass dreams? Fits the K1200S, K1200R, K1200R Sport, R1200R.

5 In case you haven't visited in a while, I've revamped the Pirates Lair How-To Page to make it easier to navigate. I now have sections for different bikes.. Why? Because I love you... If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

No more baboon ass!

6. Looking for a sleek way to centrally mount a GPS on your K1600GT or K1600GTL? Of course you do and we've got your back.. Check out the all new BikePenR GPS Triple Clamp Mount

7. About a year ago, I started a photo album (in the Pirates Lair Photo Galley) called Pirate's Wall Of Shame. Basically I had been collecting pictures of myself, my friends, and customers stopped on their BMWs and being ticketed by the PoPo, so I dumped them all in the album hoping someone would get a kick out of them. In case you've never visited our photo galley, we have 71 photo albums featuring past rallies, bikes, vacations, track days, sexy women on bikes, etc. I didn't think much of it until I recently checked the gallery stats to see which albums get the most views and out of the 71 albums.. #1 was our BoraBora vacation.. #2 was... yes... Pirates Wall of Shame. Cool, huh? With that said... if you have a picture of yourself receiving a velocity award on your late model BMW... please email it to me so I can add you to "the Wall." I'll make you infamous!

8. To quote one of our generation's finest thespians.. (Dr Smith)... "Oh the pain... the pain." I've heard rumors that there are a lot of old codgers that read this cheesy newsletter... I'm not sure, but I imagine some may find my latest article interesting/informative.. Maybe not.. I wrote the following for a couple of websites where people post information on medical procedures they've gone through so others will get a real perspective as to what it's like to go through it ...Thought I'd share. FYI.. I have had plantar fasciitis for over a year.. Some of you may have noticed I was limping at the last 2 rallies. I recently had a procedure done called ESWT (extracorporal shockwave therapy).. If any of my motorcycling peers has plantar fasciitis and are considering getting treatment... read on.. If not... don't waste your time.... I'm Shocked!! Plantar Fasciitis Cure.. My Experience with ESWT

9. We just added SS Racing Carbon Fiber Swingarm Panel Covers for the BMW S1000RR to our menu.. Sweet!! If I owned an S1000RR.. these would be one of the first things I'd stick on it ..after a radar detector, of course. If erection lasts over 4 hours.. call more ladies.

10. Ever watch that show.. "What Not To Wear"?... F#*@ those guys.. What do they know..! As you are probably aware, we recently started selling Pirates Lair Plundering tees again.. As always, they are limited edition prints. Just got a new batch of our "Substance Over Image" tees in and now we have both short and long sleeve shirts.. Whether wanting to look stylish at your daughter's wedding or just stylin in the board meeting.. we have a tee for you.. Be the envy of your work place or prison yard!! While they last...

11. Over 11 years ago, one of the first products we added to our then fledgling website was our Pirates Lair K1200RS/GT Headlight Protector Kit. At the time I purchased a $3800 roll of thick 3M material, came up with a pattern for the RS/GT headlight, and have been cutting off this roll and selling kits for now over a decade. Well my fellow pirates... that roll is about to run out and we're not going to buy any more. Demand these days has dwindled. As of this post I think we have about 7 kits left. These are be 100% invisible once installed. If you've been wanting some cheap protection for that godawfully expensive RS / GT headlight.... now might be the time to snatch one of these last $40 kits.. No pressure. Just informing...

12. Speaking of headlight protectors... New on our K16 menu.. . Cee Bailey K1600GT / K1600GTL Headlight Covers Any idea what it would cost to replace the K1600GTL or GT headlight? Take a guess..! Higher! Guess again.. Not even close.. FYI, you're looking at a sphincter busting $1200.US and that doesn't include foreplay or dinner afterwards. Hedge your bets against the randomness of mother nature with these aircraft quality grade acrylic covers from Cee Baileys. They install easily and securely with the 3M Dual-Lok fasteners. Easy on/off for cleaning. Clear in color for 100% Light Transmissibility. Protect yourself.. or not.. The question is.. "Do you feel lucky? Well.. do ya punk?"

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

K12 / K13 / K16 Rally Event News : 2012

2012 Texas Hill Country I-BMW Rally: April 16-19, 2012

Location: Hwy 39 near Hunt - 22 miles from hwy 83
River Inn Resort in Hunt, Texas
When: Monday thru Thursday, April 16th thru 19th (arrive Monday - leave Friday)

Prices stay the same as last year. 2 night minimum stay. 1-800-841-0501 or 1-830-238-4226 ask for Cindy. A one bedroom is $60.00 plus tax, some do have sofa sleepers. Lodging is limited, so Book early to guarantee a room. You can secure your reservation with AMEX, MasterCard or Visa....7 day cancellation policy, however there is a $25 service charge. They all have a refrigerator and microwave.

Agenda: Meet. Ride. Talk, Eat. Ride. Talk.


2012 Blue Ridge Parkway I-BMW.com Rally: May 17-20, 2012

Where: Wattstull Inn, just north of Buchanan, Virginia
When: May 17th thru 20th, 2011 (Thur – Sun)

Call Wattstull Inn for reservations.
540-254-1551 / Mention: i-bmw group
SPECIFY ROOM TYPE - single, double, king.. / Rooms are 68 (ish*) per night plus tax (*2011 rates)

Blue Ridge Parkway info and maps can be found here and here

Alternate Lodging (info only) : Super 8 – Bedford or Days Inn – Bedford or Peaks of Otter Lodge


The 13th Annual I-BMW Deals Gap Rally: October 4-7th, 2012

Where: Fontana Village Resort
Nearest town: Robbinsville, NC
When: October 4th-7th, 2011 [Thur-Sunday]
Reservations: Direct 800.849.2258

20 lodge rooms w/ 2 queen beds/ns: $85+tax - 6 2br cabins with 1 queen and 2 twin beds/kitchen/ns: $120+tax When calling, specify room or cabin. Lodge rooms are in the Garden units with parking outside the door. Cabins will be either the Laurel or Hemlock cabins. Reservations for blocked out rooms will end 45 days prior. Saavy? Free Pirates Lair tees to all attendees who get speeding tickets. Woohoo!! Be sure to mention i-bmw group when booking.

NOTE: I-bmw.com is not an official sponsor of any posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

Be there!!!


How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

Our last contribution
was from Chris Spence of Macon,Ga .. Woohoo! Check out his safety tip # 160 Thx, bro. Could his tip save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

We have 3 new contributions this month.. Check out Step by Step Power Outlet Install on K1600GTL contributed by Matthew Felton (over at www.I-BMW.com).
and How To Install the ETI H7 HID Kit On 08 BMW K1200S contributed by Eric Deslauriers (over at www.BMWSuperBikes.com) and last but not least..BMW K1200GT Cam Chain Tensioner and Jump Guard Modification Video contributed by urbster (over at www.I-BMW.com). Thx, guys...

Picture at right Courtesy of Sports Illustrated photographer Walter Iooss, Jr. / Model: Ms Melissa Haro

Click For Larger Image.. If You Want a Chub..

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Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues