Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around the 15th of each month, when I deem you are worthy, we put out our cheesy K12 newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW K12RS/GT/S/R world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out? If you want to subscribe and have these sent via e-mail to your home or office just let us know at pirate@acelink.net .. otherwise you'll get 95% of it here. Why only 95%? Because I tend to tell the brutal truth as I see it on many issues/products and while I don't mind spewing "my opinion" into your home, office or cell .. I have no desire to slam, insult, or malign any company, individual, competitor in public.. unless they blatantly deserve it.

While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered or meek, amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you look elsewhere for your written info-tainment.
So it is written.. so let it be done....

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: September 2005 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the day.....

Bond wakes up on the table in the middle of the room. A laser gun is aimed just behind Bond's head. Beyond him, stairs lead up to a control room. Goldfinger walks down the stairs, wearing a gold dinner jacket, a shirt with gold buttons and a black bow-tie. He approaches the table.

Goldfinger: Oh, that interesting car of yours!
Goldfinger: I have a new toy, but considerably more practical.
Bond glances up........
Goldfinger: You are looking at an industrial laser which emits an extraordinary light, not to be found in nature. It can project a spot on the moon - or, at closer range, cut through solid metal. I will show you.
Goldfinger turns and snaps his fingers at the control room. The barrel of the laser gun moves down Bond's torso. He raises himself onto his elbows and looks at it. The barrel of the laser gun comes to rest, aiming between Bond's legs. Suddenly the laser light goes on, gleaming red.
Bond looks down at it. The laser beam starts cutting the outer edge of the tabletop, which is gold-coloured.
Goldfinger: (pointing to the table-top) This is gold, Mister Bond. All my life I've been in love with its color, its brilliance, its divine heaviness.
Bond looks up at Goldfinger then down at his legs.The laser beam keeps cutting through the table-top, moving toward Bond's crotch.
Goldfinger: I welcome any enterprise which will increase my stock, which is considerable..
Bond: I think you've made your point, Goldfinger. Thank you for the demonstration.
Read your next cheesy Pirates Lair Newsletter carefully, Mister Bond. It may be your last.

Goldfinger: The purpose of our two previous encounters is now very clear to me. I do not intend to be distracted by another. Goodnight, Mister Bond.
Goldfinger turns away. The laser beam keeps cutting upwards toward his crotch. Bond lies on the table as Goldfinger starts walking up the steps to the control booth.
Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Goldfinger: No, Mister Bond. I expect you to die!

Goldfinger / Gert Frobe James Bond / Sean Connery / Goldfinger 1964

News From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

My Pic for Best New Product for 2005! : The No-Mar Tire Changer

Once every few years or so, when the moon is in the seventh house and Jupiter aligns with Mars, some revolutionary new product hits the market and changes the way we motorcyclists see and/or do things.. Products that change the face of the industry.. Heated riding clothing...radial tires...LED lights...Carbon Fiber..the Baxley Chock.... hanging license plate testicles. Just a few days ago I evaluated a new product that IMHO, will change the tire changing industry forever. Imagine an affordable tire changing machine that makes it virtually impossible to scratch your rims no matter how incompetent the user? Imagine not a single piece of metal touching your high dollar wheels during a tire change!.. Imagine a product that's not only younger, but has firmer breasts, no cellulite, and.. a mute button! er.. where was I??.. O, yea... Up until just recently if you wanted a top notch tire changer for under $1000 your only option was a Coats 220... which is what I own. I think I paid about $900 for mine with all the accouterments.. While it works well and is virtually indestructible, there are some downsides. It took me at least 4 changes for me to figure out how to change a tire without scratching a wheel and even now that I've done quite a few times, I still slip up now and then...Doh!!. The clamps on the Coats 220 are metal and while they do furnish tiny plastic clips to cover them, sooner or later you lose one and end up scratching your wheel... or they come off INSIDE the tire and you don't realize it until you have it aired, balanced, and are about to mount it on the bike!! F#@*! Also.. the 3' mounting iron is metal and the plastic cover that goes on the end flies off more often than my ex wife which also results in a scratched surface. and lastly, the bead breaker on the Coats is down on the floor meaning you have to bend over to get it done..

Enter the new kid on the tire-mounting block .. the No-Mar Tire Changer at http://www.nomartirechanger.com/ This unit not only has 3 plastic gripping cams that hold your wheel securely during the change but an optional removal/installation bar has this same plastic on the end. Besides a benchtop and floor model unit, they also offer an adapter to mount their system on any Coats 220! The bead breaker is up at waist high level which makes that task easier, as well. In theory.. it would seem virtually impossible to scratch your rims using the No-Mar Machine as only plastic is touching your wheel at any step of the process. So simple!! Why hasn't anyone else thought of this!! Why didn't I think of this?!! Doh!
On 9/2, I ordered the No-Mar Coats 220 adapter (at full retail of $295.. pic right and below) for evaluation and 4 days later it arrived. Fast service! My first impression? The welds and powder coated finish are first rate..Beautiful even. Much better even than the Coats I was to mount it to. Mounting of the tri-armed adapter took all of 3 minutes. The next thing I noticed is that unlike the Coats which has a mechanical screw-type clamping device which locks your wheel into place, the No-Mar has a simple turn and click, friction method with a single bar handle..

Before mounting my tire I was very skeptical that this system would hold the tire in place and would have bet $1000 that the wheel would turn during the actual mounting, but alas..like the time I bet big bucks that Roberto Duran would wipe the floor with Sugar Ray Leonard.. (No mas!!)... I would have lost. My wheel stayed completely secure during the process and actually seemed to hold BETTER than the Coats' metal claws. !!?? Amazing. They also offer some all plastic Tire Clamps for $40 ea which I thought would be foofoo useless but actually were VERY helpful and worked perfectly to hold the bead down low enough for the tire to slide on perfectly and effortlessly.. I am simply blown away by this design. I did NOT try the No-Mar mounting bar as I have completely coated my Coats bar with hard plastic which now works perfectly, but I'll assume it's just as well thought out as everything else I received from them. . Bottom line.. no more scratched wheels... EVER. Total cost looks to be about $595.+ shipping. Check them out at http://www.nomartirechanger.com/ and BTW... For my fellow Coats 220 owners out there... .the No-Mar plastic cam Coats 220 adapter is about $295 and IMHO.. worth every penny. It's even powder coated RED to match. Truly inspired thinking went into this machine.. Heads up Coats..The No-Mar is light-years beyond your 15 year old design and everything else I've seen on the market !!! Time to stop resting on your aging laurels and redesign.
Lastly.. No.. I have no vested interest in No-Mar. The review was straight up with no perks.

Pirates Lair International Shipping Heads-Up: A Tale of Woe and Bureaucracy

As of 9/7/2005, we have discontinued ALL international shipping via US Air Mail or US Global except to Canada and Mexico. Why? Must you always question me??? er.. I mean... A few reasons. Shipping via US Mail is time consuming. We have to first call for rates (which are generally wrong), then fill out forms, then actually drive the parcels to the local post office and wait in line with mere mortals and their crying babies. Also.. increasingly, packages are getting lost on the far end and this usually makes our customers unhappy. The USPS's tracking methods are a joke coupled with the fact that even if a package is insured and lost they will not pay off for 6 MONTHS!!...While we hate to cut this service to our loyal international customers... it's simply becoming a major pain in the buttock and we simply do not have the time. However..if you live in a foreign country and absolutely must have something on our menu....and a prerequisite fat wallet, we still ship via FEDEX anywhere in the world!! (except Indonesia). Be forewarned... Cost is generally 4-6 times higher than US Mail but the order can be both fully insured and anally tracked. This was a tough decision to make, my friends.. I'd suggest customers call or e-mail before ordering for FedEx rates... and have a valium or fat 'dube handy.

What's New In the K1200RS/GT/S/R No-Spin Zone

1. Do you own a K1200R?? Bars not quite high enough or far back enough for you?? Verholen of Germany just released their "R" Riser kit to the market. Unlike their "S" version, this kit includes a longer throttle cable AND longer brake line AND a lofty price tag. About $350.US... As the brake line has to be changed and a bleed job done this would be a dealer install, so you know what question that begs... "What's in your wallet?!"

2. We just heard the ONLY changes to the 2006 BMW K1200R and S will be an on-board computer which will read outside temp, ice warnings, range measurements, average fuel consumption and speed, the width of your wife's ass and IQ.

3. Speaking of new models.. we also heard the ONLY changes to the 2005-6 K1200GT's coming off the assembly line will be an ambient temperature gauge. The new GT's will NOT be imported into the US...

4. While I've never been a fan of Corbin's products... they have some waaaay cool new accessories for the K1200S.. including a new seat with optional adjustable backrest , a rear Solo Cowling called the "Smuggler" which comes painted to match your bike, and a visually challenged Carbon Fiber Windshield. The solo cowling only works with their seat... I was scared to look at the prices... However... that cowling looks damn good and if I had an S... I'd dig out my Astroglide .. bend over.. and order one.

5. Speaking of Solo Seat Cowlings... Pack Parts of Germany has yet another waaay cool offering for the new K1200R.. Check out their version of a solo cowling. Unlike the Corbin.. theirs works with the stock seat!! Looks to be about .. you'd better bend over and spread them for this.... a lofty $489 US dollars!! Ouch..and that's un-painted and doesn't include shipping!! Sounds like extortion to me.. Have never heard of any cowling for any bike at anywhere near that price. You know what PT Barnum said.....

6. The Two Bros Racing K1200S and R slip-ons are on the market!! They offer 3 versions.. Carbon Fiber, Titanium, and Aluminum in two different canister shapes... the C-5 Oval and the smaller M2 oval which has a colored tip. Retail will be about $650+ shipping.

7. Looking for a sleek, easily removable tank bag for your K1200RS/GT/S/R/MV? Don't need some massive chunk of Cordura mucking up the lines of your bike? Check out this waaay cool offering from Verholen of Germany... Looks just about perfect for around town riding or canyon blasting. If I were looking for a tankbag.. this would be it....

8. The Staintune K1200S and R slip-ons are on the market!! Retail Price will be $500.US They claim a huge 10 peak horsepower gain through the range. If true.. Impressive.

9. Gilles Tooling of Germany, known in the MV Agusta world for their first class rearsets, now offers a few items for BMW's including some odd looking bar risers for the K1200RS. From their website I have no idea how much they cost...

10. Twisted Throttle Ltd. of Peacedale, RI is apparently the US importer of SW-Motech's (of Germany) aftermarket centerstand for the BMW K1200S and R. You can reach them at 401-709-9383 Retail is under $140.US That's a helluva lot cheaper than the BMW optional stand... Worth a look.

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. You asked for them.. and yet again we deliver.. We now have the K1200R/S Staintune slip-on exhausts on the menu. They are claiming a full 10hp boost!! Impressive for any slip-on.

2. Speaking of exhausts... Just received our first shipment of Two Brothers Slip-On exhausts for the new K1200S and R. Have to admit.. they look superb. I love the all new M-2 canister with the removable sound suppresser.. We have 5 choices, friends...Carbon, Titanium, Aluminum in 2 different canister styles.

3. Nothing says.. "Top O' the world, ma" like carbon fiber . On the menu at http://pirateslair.net/ZCarbonS.htm for your viewing pleasure..a Carbon Fiber "K1200S" Tank Protector, Gas Cap, & 5 Piece Trim Kits from ZTechnik. We offer a stand alone tank protector or a complete 5 piece kit including a tank protector, 2 piece triple clamp trim, forward gas tank section, and a gauge cover. The Tank Protector and 5 Piece kit fit ONLY the K1200S.. NOT the R. Protect your beautiful paint job from daily use, zippers, buckles, leathers, etc. This isn't that faux crap that others sell. The gas cap cover actually fits S and R bike as well as the K1200RS and GT.

4. MV Agusta owners: Ever want to be a switch-hitter? Admit it...! We're adults..We now have the all new One-Arm Reversible Rear Wheel Stand from Pit Bull When installed on the left side it allows for rear wheel removal. When installed on the right, it allows for easy sprocket changes or removal.. On the left side, the handle is forward of the bike. On the right side, the handle is behind the bike. Simply the best of both worlds.

5. The tail and brake lights on any MV Agusta are pathetic...Probably an afterthought of the Italians. Unless you are begging someone to give it to you in the a#*.. you need to do something about it.. See the Pirates' Lair MV F4 Hyper-Lite Kit in action at by Clicking HERE Feel the burn...save your a*#!

6. We mentioned in last months newsletter a sale we're having on our custom K1200RS/GT torque arms but since then we got the last shipment of (12) of the Torque Arms with Pirates' Lair logo. The guy that produces these supplies us with about 20 a year.. We have (12) of these limited edition arms. When they are gone.. there will no more. Total production run was 100 units. Unlike our standard custom arm, the "logo" arm comes with (2) 10 x 55mm stainless low head socket bolts and nuts to complete the package. FYI.. This is what I have on MY K1200RS.. These pieces are simple works of art... The question is. Are you worthy? Cost is only $10 more than the standard arm.

7. Ever pull over on the side of the road, put your sidestand down, walk away .. look back and your bike is falling? or already down? Or had your stand sink into a hot blacktop?? or forget that you had a joint stuck behind your ear when you are about to walk through a check point at LAX? We feel ya. We now have Pirates' Lair Kickstand pads emblazoned with a waaay cool Pirate holding a knife in his teeth and our URL spewed all over it... As these things are cheap to produce, we'll probably give some away at rallies..including the upcoming Deals Gap Rally at the end of this month.. or add them to large orders as a freebie... Trying to figure this out...

8. We now offer the Marc Parnes Wheel Balancing Kits for the K1200R/S / R1200GS/ST/RT . The kit comes complete with axle, bearing blocks, and (2) cones ..two universal/one special 137mm cone for the BMW rear drive side. Weights included.

9. The K1200R/K1200S Helmet Lock page is up.

10. We have ordered a few of the Verholen K1200R bar riser kits and their small tank bags for evaluation.

Rally News/Info: Down The Road: 2005

The 6th Annual Deals Gap K12 Rally ...(sponsored by http://www.i-bmw.com/) will again be held at the Tapoco Lodge at the end of this month.. Sept 29th-Oct 1st to be precise. it's the biggest K12 Rally of the year!! Woohoo!! Be there!! Amber and I will be attending..

The 2006 Hill Country Rally is already in the works!! ! Here's a note from our good pardner James Myrick,... next year's organizer.....
"Well partners, the Texas Hill Country Roundup 2006 date is official: We are going for 4 days of two wheel fun in the country this time around. April 12 ( Wed.) 13,14, 15 and if you wish Sunday 16th ( Easter ). It will be at "The Inn of the Hills " so mark your calendars. Details to follow in a few months. "

Finger Lakes i-BMW Group 2005 August 19-21 Further details to follow coming weeks...stay tuned.
Location: Watkins Glen NY.
Early bird arrivals Thursday 18th
i-bmw not affiliated with any other rally/club.
Check these links for lodging: http://www.watkinsglenlodging.com/facilities.html or http://www.schuylerny.com/

How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

Nothing new this month.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive on your Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.. Remember.. we're all in this together.. so use deodorant.

BMW How-To Section

Nothing new this month.
Guess that kinda wraps this one up. Ride safe and best wishes for a good summer!.... See ya at Deals Gap!!...

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues