"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around the 1st or 15th of each month, when I deem you are worthy, we put out our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW K12RS/GT/S/R world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out? If you want to subscribe and have these sent via e-mail to your home or office just let us know at pirate@acelink.net .. otherwise you'll get 95% of it here. Why only 95%? Because I tend to tell the brutal truth as I see it on many issues/products and while I don't mind spewing "my opinion" into your home, office or cell, I have no desire to slam, insult, or malign any company, individual, competitor in public.. unless they blatantly deserve it.

While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered or meek, amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you look elsewhere for your written info-tainment. So it is written.. so let it be done....

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: July 2006 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the day.....

Under a pedestrian underpass tunnel... late at night Alex, and his three droogs, that is Pete, Georgie and Dim are out for a bit of the old ultra-violence.
They find a drunken Tramp lying in tunnel, singing.

Tramp (singing): In Dublin's fair city, Where the girls are so pretty, I first set my eyes on sweet Molly Malone, As she wheeled her wheelbarrow, Through streets wide and narrow...
Shadows of the boys approaching fall across Tramp.
Alex .. Thinking to himself.. One thing I could never stand is to see a filthy, dirty old drunkie, howling away at the filthy songs of his fathers and going blerp, blerp in between as it might be a filthy old orchestra in his stinking rotten guts. I could never stand to see anyone like that, whatever his age might be, but more especially when he was real old like this one was.
The boys stop and applaud him.
Tramp: Can you... can you spare some cutter, me brothers?
Alex rams his stick into the Tramp's stomach. The boys laugh
Tramp: Oh-hhh!!! Go on, do me in you bastard cowards. I don't want to live anyway, not in a stinking world like this.
Alex: Ohoo... and what's so stinking about it?
Tramp: It's a stinking world because there's no law and order any more. It's a stinking world because it lets the young get onto the old like you done. It's a stinking world because there's only one Cheesy Pirates Lair Newsletter a month. It's no world for an old man any more. What sort of a world is it at all? Men on the moon and men spinning around the earth and there's not no attention paid to earthly law and order no more.
The Tramp starts singing again just before Alex and his three droogs beat him to death.....
Tramp: Oh dear land, I fought for thee and brought you peace and victory.

Alex / Malcolm McDowell/ A Clockwork Orange (1971)

News From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Pirates Lair Defends It's Honor: Prepare To Be Boarded!

As the internet grows and spam merchants and/or cyber terrorists relentlessly broadside us I have been forced to take steps in our ship's defense.

FYI.. We have just installed a world class cyber-guardian to filter out these minions of evil. The only downside of this fortification is that occasionally our customers e-mail may be stopped at the gang-plank and frisked, given a full body cavity search, and/or refused admittance. If you believe your e-mail has not made it through visa vie.... you are NOT getting a response from me or Amber, please send up smoke signals, a message in a bottle, or call us @ 828 628 7093.
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Keith Code's California Superbike School ..... A Pirate's Tale

About a year ago, after doing quite a few track days and a few hundred runs on the infamous Tail of the Dragon at Deals Gap, I had a personal epiphany. I took some Motrin hoping it would go away, but alas.. it didn't. It was the sudden realization that I simply could NOT go any faster, safely unless someone who knows more than me actually shows me how. I'd simply learned all I could on my own having apparently exited my own learning curve. While I am usually in the top few fastest guys in any intermediate track day class, my ability to improve lap times and/or my technique had hit the proverbial wall. Rather than flail around like a carp on a hot sidewalk hoping to figure out why some guys can sail by me like I'm a sloth on Quaaludes I decided to do something about it and seek professional training..Who did I turn to?? Keith Code's California Superbike Schools. Read my full review of the wild experience.. you'll laugh.. you'll cry..

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Product Review: RKA Soft Luggage on BMW K1200S

In our April 06 chessy newsletter I asked for a few brave volunteers to test an alternative for those criminally priced, ugly, sissy, foofoo, factory K1200S saddlebags BMW is pawning off on us. We got our rusty hook on a few pair of the RKA Soft Saddlebags from RKA Motorcycle Luggage and wanted to know if they are worthy of the mighty "S" bike. . RKA has 2 versions that look sleek on the K1200S, cost hundreds less, and hold much more, and they come in a variety of colors. Our tester tested the 56 liter expandable bag. It uses wide hook and loop fasting system for easy on and off. Comfortable for your passenger and out of the way of high pipes or so they say. Looks like the retail price is around $200.US. Here's a detailed review from former man about town, Sam Scott..

"I was really pleased with how well they fit and are constructed especially for the price. The material is strong and seems like it will last me for quite a while.

I was able to fit everything I needed for a 4 day trip with room to spare (1pr Jeans, 2 pr shorts, 1pr shoes, 6 t-shirts, toiletry bag, maps, book, underwear and socks, water and snacks). Once I figured out the best places to secure the straps (trellis behind the passenger pegs and the rear passenger handholds – which have a slot made for the straps) and the best adjustments for the over the seat straps (this took a couple tries but I settled on only threading the protective pad through the tightest loop on both sides) they were simple to put on and take off. (NOTE: the installation instructions that come with the bags are kind of useless so I just had to do some trial and error).

They didn’t come loose at all and didn’t seem to have an effect on my stability or speed. They were covered in bugs when I got home but wiped clean with a damp towel. I was worried that my pipe might melt the bottom of the bag but the protective material didn’t look like it was bothered at all. I was worried that the bags might damage my paint but with all the included neoprene pads there wasn’t a mark. I was also worried that they would look stupid, but actually once they were on they looked great. (I also wound up buying a Tour Master Cortech mini tank bag for my ipod.)

I have already recommended them to a couple of friends who are looking for bags. Thanks again." Sam Scott

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Product Review: Aerostitch Self Contained Alarm

Due in no small part to our recent theft from unknown sonsofbeetches and our subsequent property replacement spending spree, Amber and I started looking into alarm systems for our new truck and trailer and bikes. Geezz. I didn't realize how pricey a good alarm was until I started doing by usual anal research. Ouch!.. What to do?? The thought of buying multiple alarms made my testicles shrivel up and hide like a dip in Lake Michigan in January.

While looking through a recent Aerostitch catalog I saw a new product.. the Aerostitch Self Contained Alarm which looked perfect. According to their advertising spiel ..it's the worlds ONLY self-contained remote controlled alarm... Completely wireless. No hardwiring at all. Just two pieces.. an alarm box and a remote control. In theory, I could use this on ALL my vehicles by just moving the alarm box wherever I needed it. On my bike, car, trailer, a motel room door, in my helmet (when I'm not wearing it obviously), inside the pocket of my leather jacket I routinely throw over my bike, tent, or the bong drawer.

I ordered on line (cost is only $87) and within a week I had the handy little device in my hands, the (3) AAA batteries installed, and my ears ringing from the brief test I had run it through.

They advertise 120db and I believe it. It really hurt my ears and I would imagine might cause severe distress in household pets or your neighbors pesky leash-less Dachshund that keeps raiding your trash can and spreading paper all over the neighborhood, the yapping little bastard.. I'll get you, my pretty!....er.. Where was I?? O, yea... The 4 button remote is claimed to have a range of 200ft which should be plenty. I suspect most of us usually keep the car or bike or trash can..er.. trailer closer than that to our back doors or motel room.

While there are numerous settings on the alarm for duration, on/off time, panic, etc.. I left mine on the default and it worked flawlessly. I first hid the cigarette box size alarm under the plastic of my K1200S.. I slightly nudged the bike and it went off as advertised.. then I mounted it under the tongue of my new trailer...slightly lifted it and it went off as advertised... then I slid it into Ambers frilly panties while she was sleeping... groped her ever so gently and .. and....

While the Aerostitch Self Contained Alarm seems to be a good compromise for those who don't want the expense of buying multiple units to hardwire, there is one big downside.. batteries. You'll need to replace them after every 100 hours of use. The consequences of forgetting might outweigh the benefits of going this route.

If you suffer from CRS syndrome (can't remember shit) like I do.. this may NOT be the ideal rig for you. However.. if you can afford lots and lots of batteries, this seems to be well worth the money. I know I'm digging mine and I'm hoping the neighbors Dachshund will as well.

What's New In the K1200RS/GT/S/R No-Spin Zone

I should note that as the RS and 02-05 GT has been discontinued, I receive less and less news of any new products for them.. I mention this as a few semi-loyal subscribers have accused me of abandoning our roots.. Not true.. I only report what's going on.. Don't shoot the messenger.. I will NEVER abandon the K1200RS crowd. It appears that the times.. they are a changin.' Deal with it. Also.. a special thx to www.K-Bikes.com , www.I-BMW.com, and www.BMWK1200S.com for the information & pictures I regularly pilfer from these chat sites..

1. You knew it was a matter of time. The first manufacturer out of the gate with an alternative to the ugly factory K1200GT canister... Yes.. credit the Austrians with being the first. Check out the all new Remus K1200GT Slip-On's. Expect increased midrange and bottom end power, reduced weight, and a deep Lauren Bacall tone we've all come to appreciate. Remus offers 3 options of slip-on canisters for the second generation K1200GT....Aluminum, Carbon Fiber, and the ultra light Titanium. Expect a 4hp gain from the slip-ons and god knows how much of a weight loss.. FYI.. the Revolution slip-on cans, which come with removable silencers, are cam shaped.. kind of trapezoidal or tri-oval and yes.. compatible with the hard bags. Need more? of course you do...Are we not men??!! Coming soon... 4-2-1 full exhaust systems.

Click Here for Full Web Page.. If You Dare
2. The guys at Throttlemeister have apparently caved to pressure and produced a BLACK version K1200S/K1200R Throttlemeister. The finish is a flat black, kinda crinkled power coat. Looks very durable.

3. We finally got a look at the 2006 K1200GT up close and personal last week. The first thing I looked at was how much room she had under her panties ..er.. plastic for aftermarket horns. The answer.. almost none. Certainly not enough room for a loud pair of Fiamms.. but what about the Stebel Magnum horn?? Well.. I sent (2) Stebel horns out to new GT owners and BOTH reported there simply wasn't enough room for them. Both customers returned them... A major pisser for the new GT owners who shelled out almost $20K for a bike with a pathetic little meep-meep horn... Damn Germans.

4. Unless you are a stripper you probably rarely have enough light focused on your ass.. Here's a very cool solution from Kisan, the makers of those flashing headlight kits.. The LC-16 LED Sequential License plate frame should put enough attention on any BMW's rear end... The LC-16 seems to be a head above the rest with it's 3 in 1 approach... Sequential Turn Signal, Brake Light Modulator, and Running Lights. According to their verbiage... "Draws very little current (3/10th of an AMP), so it does not interfere with Can-Bus or integrated ABS or EVO brake systems. Requires connecting to the turn signal and brake wires. You do not have to cut any wires, if you use the Scotchlok (T-Tap) connectors, which are also supplied." . Looks like a great new product and I'm putting one on MY S any day.

5. Do you get nauseous when you look at those cheap, cheesy factory footpegs on your K1200S, K1200RS, K1200R? I feel ya.. We just got word from Eurotech Motorsports that they have adjustable replacement footpegs for these bikes. Sold in pairs for $109 or so. The Vario Footpegs can be adjusted in 8 sexually provocative positions.

6. Thinking about doing track days?? If you do you'll need to replace your coolant with something track-safe. Most people have heard about water wetter, but I prefer Engine Ice. Unlike water wetter it comes pre-mixed in 1 gallon jugs. It's fairly cheap and will keep your bike running cooler than standard coolant and is approved by Al Gore to be safe for the environment.. Order from www.chaparral-racing.com/ Part # is 19-0050 . Under $15.

7. Heli Bars has some damn good looking bar risers for the new K1200S. Every bit as nice visually and sexually as the Verholen.. about $20 more expensive.. The Heli bar risers change the ergos by making the "S" bars 32mm (1 1/4") Taller, 12mm (1/2") Rearset, and 35mm (1 1/2") Wider.. While looking sleek, these don't change the ergos near as much as the Verholens which bring the bars back a full 80mm which translates in Amurika to over 2.5". A nice alternative, however...

8. If you own a K1200R and have been thinking about adding bar risers.. you may want to check out the Power-Sportego" Handlebar Conversion from Santa Cruz BMW Expensive at $500 but it looks very well made.

9. We just got word that the K1200S/K1200R Pit Bull front and rear wheel stands will also work on the new GT.

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. We now have Remus K1200GT Slip-On's In Stock.. Increased midrange and bottom end power, reduced weight, and a deep throaty tone .. what more can we ask?. Choose your poison.......Aluminum, Carbon Fiber, and the ultra light Titanium. Expect a 4hp gain from the slip-ons and god knows how much of a weight loss.. FYI.. the Revolution slip-on cans, which come with removable silencers, are cam shaped.. kind of trapezoidal or tri-oval and yes.. compatible with the hard bags.

2. You can see our version # 2 Suzuki VStrom Stealth Backrest which just hit the streets. It'll be on the market any day now.

3. We now have the AMHP BMW K1200S Headlight Protector In Stock. Priced a K1200S headlight lately? Are you sitting down? Are you bent over with a bottle of AstroGlide handy? Who's your daddy??!!....er... where was I???... O, yea... Call any dealer and you'll be quoted a criminally insane $474! and that doesn't include labor or dinner afterwards.. Ouch!!

4. New Product! In stock! Have a K1200S or R and worry that your gonna get rear ended?? A common problem and we have the solution.. K1200S Lite Buddy's are super bright LED solid state lights with 24 total LEDs per turn signal. They offer one solution to front and/or rear visibility (or lack thereof) for your BMW K1200S or K1200R, the new GS, the GS/Adv, and the F800ST. Lite Buddy's fit inside the turn signal housings. The FRONT kit burns amber all the time. The REAR kit burns a bright RED at all times and 16 of the LED's burn amber when the turn signals are used. Very unobtrusive. Easy install with no mods or drilling. Increase your rear visibility by 200%. These will fit the BMW K1200S or K1200R, the new GS, the GS/Adv, and the F800ST.

5. We have the new Kisan Sequential License Plate Frame In Stock While they come in Chrome and Black, for obvious reasons we're just going to carry the BLACK version...

6. We mentioned in last months cheesy newsletter that a fellow rider had come up with a unique Helmet Lock for the new K1200GT (that also fits virtually ANY motorcycle) unlike anything I have seen on the market. We asked for opinions from our quasi-esteemed readers and got plenty.. Oddly enough, like George Bush's performance.. it was split right down party lines. About 50% said they MUST have one.. the other 50% said they though it was ugly as sin. Go figure. Anyway, we've decided to give them a try in our product line. While I think these are simply too big for most bikes.. it looks just about perfect for the new GT or any touring bike.. We should have them in stock any day now. FYI.. while two versions will be available, we'll be carrying ONLY the 2 helmet version. Check out this pic of one mounted to a new GT.. http://www.pirateslair.net/GThelmetholder800.jpg

Rally News/Info: Down The Road: 2006

2006 BMW MOA International Rally News: Look Out Vermont
It's about time BMW MOA staff chose a rally site worth actually riding to..Many probably remember me ranting about the choice of the last site... Hell..er.. I mean Ohio.. Geezz.. That was like choosing Lake Michigan for a premier surfing event. What were they thinking? Check out the 2006 BMW MOA International Rally Website which will be in scenic Vermont (a worthy destination) for info as to lodging, etc or get the inside scoop from our peers as to who's going, what to bring, where to stay, etc..

I'd suggest you register and book a room or campsite for the rally as soon as you can. Pre-registration is from April 1 - June 30, 2006. On-line registration will start on April 1, 2006.
Pre-Registration / $30 U.S Adults and/or $5 U.S Children
At the Gate / $35 U.S Adults and/or $10 U.S. Children
Note: There will be NO day passes.

The 7th Annual Deals Gap K12 Rally ...(sponsored by www.I-BMW.com) is already scheduled and will again be held at the Tapoco Lodge at the end of September 2006. ... Sept 28-30th to be precise. This year every room was booked so I suggest you make reservations NOW just to make sure. You can always cancel if you can't make it. Be there!! Simply the best time of year to be in the mountains. Virtually perfect weather the last 5 years.

How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have 1 new contribution this month.. . Thx guys/gals!!! Could these tips save your life? Dare you NOT look?
Check out # 110 Contributed by the legendary Reg Bowley, Essex Jct, VT

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive on your Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.. Remember.. we're all in this together.. so use deodorant.

BMW How-To Section

Nothing new this month.

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues