Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around the 1st or 15th of each month, when I deem you are worthy, we put out our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

If you want to subscribe and have these sent via e-mail to your home or office just let us know at pirate@acelink.net .. otherwise you'll get 95% of it here. Why only 95%? Because I tend to tell the brutal truth as I see it on many issues/products and while I don't mind spewing "my opinion" into your home, office or cell, I have no desire to slam, insult, or malign any company, individual, competitor in public.. unless they blatantly deserve it.

While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, liberal, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment. So it is written.. so let it be done....

Prepare to be boarded!

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: August / September 2012 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the month.....

The evil Sarris and his minions have invaded the spaceship Galaxy Quest. Their goal was to procure the Omega 3 device which many believe will give the power to rule the universe. His attempts at taking the device have failed as the valiant crew of the Galaxy Quest, aided by the last remaining Thermians, have fought back... Just now.. one of them is mortally wounded..

Quellek: [Quellek has been shot and is dying. Alexander rushes to him]
Alexander Dane: Quellek?
Alexander Dane: [sees Quellek's wound.. it's bad.. real bad]
Alexander Dane: That's not too bad. We'll get you to the medical quarters, and you'll be fine.
Quellek: It has been my greatest pleasure to serve with you. I have been blessed. I... I... I...
Alexander Dane: Don't speak, Quellek.
Quellek: You'll forgive my impertinence, but even though we have never before met, I have always considered you as a father to me.
Alexander Dane: Quellek... by Grabthar's hammer... by the Sons of Warvan...by the Cheese of the Pirates Lair Newsletter... you shall be... avenged.

Alexander Dane.. Alan Rickman / Quellek.. Patrick Breen  /  Galaxy Quest (1999)

by Grabthar's hammer...you shall be... avenged."

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Picture Of The Month! Picos de Europa National Park, Spain! (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our August/September POTM was contributed by Gijs van Dijk (aka.. Mo'Gas) of the Netherlands . He says of the shot... "Just got back from a big trip through Spain. This shot was taken with my trusty 5D and 24-105 combo on a beautiful warm day in the ‘Picos de Europa’ National Park, which is located right in the middle along the northern Spanish coast between Oviedo and Santander. This is potentially one of the most beautiful places in Europe. It’s a bit remote and quiet, but as with most Spanish roads, the surfaces are as smooth as a pool table with insane traction and never ending turns. This is one of those places where you would need to ride every road at least twice: once going in attack mode for the road and twisties, and once to see the magnificent backdrop and scenery, cause you definitely don’t want to try doing both at the same time. ;) "

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of a BMW K1200S, K1300S, K1200RS, K1200R, R Sport, S1000RR, K1600GT, GTL, or any model year K1200GT or K1300GT and B. In focus.

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Laser Exhausts at Pirates Lair?! Good News in a Bad Economy!

We get more requests for Laser Exhausts than any other brand and I'm not surprised. They are beautiful, sleek, sound great, and generally reasonably priced. I have their rbon Fiber Stealth HotCam II on my own K1200S that I bought a few years ago when FosterRadd ( the former US importer) carried them. It looks like this. I get questions about it all the time and I've seen nothing else on the market I like better. Unfortunately, there are currently no US distributors working with the company based in the Netherlands. That may change soon..

Recently, I saw a picture posted on a European site of the new Lasers for the BMW K1600 series (pic at right) and was floored by it. Decided then and there that I'd approach Laser and see if Pirates Lair could become the lone US importer. Within a week I got a call from their CEO and we spoke in depth to see what terms we could come to and they seemed very interested. Apparently they had been wanting to get back into the US market.

While I'm reluctant to jinx a deal that's not done... I had to share this potentially good news. I should have definitive info.. availability.. pricing.. choices.. etc on their entire line of exhausts by the time the next cheese filled newsletter hits the airwaves. For now.. If interested in a Laser for your bike..BMW or otherwise... go to the Laser Website and browse though their product line. If you see something you may want... email me and I'll put your name down on a call list should I set up an account with them.

Click for Larger Image and Certain Wood!

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Lets Get Naked!!! BMW S1000RR Naked Bike Spied Testing!

BMW is already well ahead in the development of a naked version of its class-leading S1000RR superbike as these spy shots taken at a BMW test facility reveal. Is anyone surprised? The naked S1000RR – to be called the S1000SR according to the psychic hotline– looks highly developed with a specially designed half-fairing with a passing resemblance to that seen on the Aprilia RSV4 Tuono.

The technical specification of the bike is also unknown. There is a chance BMW has taken the brave step of just ripping off the fairing and leaving the 197bhp inline four-cylinder motor, chassis and running gear alone – changing only the handlebars for a more upright riding position. This would be a unique step, as every other naked bike derived from a superbike, such as the Ducati Streetfighter and Aprilia RSV4 Tuono, have had power softened and some hefty chassis changes too. Guess we'll see.

It’s been a relatively quiet 18 months for BMW with only the revamped S1000RR superbike and the two 650cc scooters appearing as new models. It's not clear when the naked S1000 will be launched. I expect an official unveiling later this year at the EICMA or the Intermot.

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2013 BMW S1000RR HP4: First Look!– 20 lbs Lighter w/ BMW’s Dynamic Damping Control!

Looks like 2013 is gonna be a good year for horsepower junkies and hopefully for Republicans.. but I digress. BMW is set to introduce the first-ever four-cylinder machine into the HP (High Performance) family - the HP4. The factory-modded HP4 uses the S1000RR as a platform offering 193 horsepower. The big advancement on the HP4 is the use of Dynamic Damping Control, the HP4 the first motorcycle to utilize such technology.

Speaking of the Dynamic Damping Control, BMW says "the new HP4 reflects its status as a high-performance motorcycle in terms of its suspension system with a world first for serial production motorcycles. It is fitted as standard with Dynamic Damping Control DDC. This system allows dynamic damping adaptation of the upside-down fork and spring strut to the specific situation on the road. The damping is adapted to the current maneuvering or road surface by means of sensor-supplied parameters via electrically controlled regulation valves. In this way, the HP4 offers optimum damping in every situation, handling long and short shocks virtually perfectly so as to provide maximum traction and safety."

The HP4 also arrives with Race ABS that features with IDM setting for maximum brake performance, a 200/55 ZR 17 tire on the rear wheel, finely adjustable Dynamic Traction Control in "Slick" mode, launch control and shift assistance for optimal gearshifts, among others. The HP4 will also be available with a competitive package upgrade, the package featuring refined HP carbon parts including a long, closed HP engine spoiler in carbon, an adjustable HP rider footrest system, folding HP brake and clutch levers, wheels finished in Racing blue metallic and a sponsor sticker kit provide additional enhancement of the new HP4. The final question is.. "what's in your wallet?"

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I-BMW 2012 Deals Gap Rally: Reservation Reminder! Listen Up!

My apathetic brothers and sisters...  Here is the latest regarding the upcoming I-BMW 2012 Deals Gap Rally. Just got a friendly reminder from the Fontana Village Resort informing me that fewer than expected riders have actually booked form the October event which I think is kinda freaking them out a bit... I assured her we're just an apathetic bunch of aging bastages and that many won't get around to booking any sooner than 1-3 weeks out. A few will wait until a few days before to see if it's gonna rain. Pussies. I assured her that they will come. We have for the last 12 years. If you're thinking about going.. might be a good time to give them a call and book a room.  If we get the minimum quantity reserved it'll get them off our backs and let them relax. Also.. it'll be easy to add more rooms as time grows near if we need to..  At the very least ....mark it on your calendar to book ASAP...

BTW... You late bookers shouldn't expect the group discount rates as those ended on August 16th. DOH! However.. that shouldn't stop the determined and/or young at heart. It's a helluva rally and the leaves should be turning nicely during the event. We're down to only a few weeks and counting folkes so book as soon as you can.. (see rally section below). FYI.. DGR is the last I-BMW rally of the year.. and it's usually the best. We'd love to see you.. Some more than others.

More DGR rally info can be found here... http://www.i-bmw.com/showthread.php?p=495386#post495386

What's New In the K12 / K13 / K16 / S1000RR No-Spin Zone

I should note that as the K1200RS and first generation K1200GT have been discontinued, I receive less and less news of any new products for them.. I mention this as a few semi-loyal subscribers have accused me of abandoning our roots.. Not true.. I only report what's going on.. Don't shoot the messenger.. I will NEVER abandon the K1200RS crowd. It appears that the times.. they are a changin.' Deal with it. Also.. a special thx to www.I-BMW.com, www.K-Bikes.com , and www.BMWK1200S.com for the information & pictures I regularly pilfer from these sites..

1.Need some opinions... A friend of mine pointed me to these K1600 Helmet Locks... Here's their How-To Install guide.. As I'm a sportbike kinda guy, it's kinda hard for me to get into the mind of the K1600 rider so rather than go down that road and make a wrong turn.. thought I'd just ask... Do you K16 guys like these? I was thinking about approaching the company and maybe adding them to our K1600 product line.. They look well made...and well thought out.. and the price is reasonable... Just not sure of the look....Opinions welcome...

2. Here's some tasty looking bling ... BMW S1000RR Yoshimura Mirror Aluminum /Carbon Fiber Cap Kits . The mirror caps are CNC machined from blocks of aircraft-grade aluminum that have been hollowed out and recessed on the backside. The recesses are a perfect fit for the included inserts that have been cut from genuine carbon fiber. Yoshimura’s carbon fiber touch not only makes these mirror caps the best looking set you can buy, but it also makes them ridiculously lightweight. These are brand new and may not listed on the website yet. You can call the source at 866-931-6644 ext. 817. Available in both black and silver finishes.

3. If you have a K1300S or K1300R and have been wanting to shorten the total throttle movement on the right handle bar, here's a company in Germany making a product that can make it happen. 2Wheels 4You.. Clever company name.. not. The full length is about 80 degrees. The small aluminum insert shortens the length from 80 degrees to 65 degrees. Shows out of the box thinking.. Some modification is required. Price is a reasonable 29.95 EUR

4. New Colors for the 2013 K1600GT- . 1. Montegoblue Metallic 2. Dark Graphite Metallic

5. Sargent 2012 World Sport Seat for K1600GT is coming!! The World Sport Performance Seat for the BMW K1600GT is currently in Research and Development. It is targeted for a tentative Late Fall / Winter 2012 release. You can follow them on their website or pre-register for updates. I'll bet a BJ from Amber it'll be both cheaper and more comfortable than Corbin's offering...

6. Here's a juicy S1000RR Wallpaper for your 'puter courtesy UltimateMotorcycling.com

7. New BMWs for 2013! - Here's the latest BMW news and new bike info courtesy of Visordown

8. Thinking of getting a graphics kit for your late model BMW K1200GT / K1300GT?? Autotrimdesign.com has them...

9. Found this this am.... Thought it was informative... Have always respected moto-journalist Kent Kunitsugu's opinions... Have found 3 or 4 similar head to head comparos and the S1000RR has come out on top on all of them... Just thought I'd share.. Ducati 1199 Panigale vs BMW S1000RR! - On Two Wheels Episode 13

10. Here's a nice write up by Cycle World On-Line Magazine... BMW Releases Info on New S1000RR-based Superbike HP4

11. Pit Bull owner/founder and good friend, Charlie VanValkenburgh and his el grande cajones made history recently when he broke the land speed record in the 1000cc class at the Bonneville Salt Flats on his BMW S1000RR. Read the full story at RoadRacingWorld.com. Congrats, C!!

12. My regular readers know from my incessant ranting that Pirates Lair has lost over a dozen of it's vendors over the last 24 months.. All due to the floundering economy and incompetence in Washington. We've been hanging on, but just barely. Just got some more bad news... T-Bags out of Santa Ana, Ca ... makers of soft motorcycle luggage for over a decade has just sold out to mega-supply house, Tucker Rocky. Not sure if any of the old staff will keep their jobs or be put on the government dole. T-Bags was the primary motorcycle luggage maker in the industry. Another sign of the times. Thanks Barney..

13. Not sure if it'll be there by the time this e-letter goes live, but here's a tasty little item I found on Ebay.... BMW S1000RR Swingarm Pivot Kit---Alpha Racing Performance Part It's a blue anodized swingarm pivot developed and manufactured by Alpha Racing, partner of the BMW Motorrad World Superbike team effort. The pivot moves the swingarm location 1 mm upwards and 4 mm forward for more edge grip, better traction and a more linear suspension movement from the stock location. If the link doesn't work try item number: 150877352350

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. Isn't it frustrating that virtually every new BMW motorcycle comes with crappy hand grips? What up wit dat? Most are paper thin and contribute to discomfort and/or erectile dysfunction within only a few miles.. Rather than contemplate expensive replacements grips, ... consider our latest addition to the Pirates Lair menu.. Grip Buddies. These US made neoprene grip wraps are a wonderful grip option for those wanting more comfort, less vibration, durability, and a no-drama chimp-easy install. With Grip Buddies there is no need to remove your OEM grips.. Just wrap these babies around them (they attach via Velcro on the underside) and you're ready to ride in just a few minutes. Heated-grip compatible. A durable, long-lasting solution that won’t migrate like some other brand grips. Instant comfort without breaking your wallet. I would imagine these could even be used as a penis splint in the event of a medical emergency. Click Here for Part # 1 of the How-To Install and Here for Part # 2.

2. We just learned that the Techmount Control Mount that we've been selling for the K1300S, K1200S, K1200R, R Sport, and K1300GTwill also fit the K1600GT and K1600GTL.. at least on the right hand side.. Cool, huh?

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

3. We've been selling American Machine K1200RS, K1200GT bar risers and peg lowering kits for years.They outsell every other brand by 20-1. We're still in shock that they recently closed their doors. As of today, we have only (2) pair left of the AmMa K1200RS Bar Risers. Their AmMa GT risers & K1200RS/GT Peg Lowering Kits are all sold out. Last call.

4. Now that the aforementioned American Machine Co has gone under, the Verholen RS/GT Peg Lowering Kit may be your last, best hope of giving yourself some relief. Machined out of T-6 aluminum and furnished with all stainless steel hardware, Pirates' Lair offers you a solution for cramped legs and/or bad ergonomics. This German made lowering kit includes left/right side lowering plates AND a shift lever lowering block. Agreed.. the kit ain' t cheap at $260 freakin' dollars, but as you'd expect.. they are top quality and maybe the only game left in town. The kit is a simple bolt on affair which is good since the German instructions are total crap. No mods necessary. Fits 97-05 KRS & 02-05 BMWK1200GT Only!

5. As our source for quick shift assist extension pieces (for the K1300S peg lowering kits we sell) .. Evoluzione.. went out of biz a few months ago, we've been scrambling to find another source.. After our extensive quest failed, I decided to have our machinists produce some for us.. The good news is.. we now have those in package kits for our Verholen K1300S Peg Lowering Kits and the remaining Evoluzione K1300S Peg Relocator Kits. I think we have maybe 10 Evo kits left. BTW.. Cost for the additional piece is a paltry $25 which is included in the combo price..Who loves ya, baby?!

6. As per the blurb in the section above... if all the planets align, it looks like Pirates lair will soon become the lone importer of Laser Exhausts. WooHoo! We're in discussions with the company. For now.. If interested in a Laser for your bike..BMW or otherwise... go to the Laser Website and browse though their product line. If you see something you may want... email me and I'll put your name down on a call list should I set up an account with them. Fingers crossed.

7. Scuffing up your K1600GT or GTL's gas tank with your knees and jacket? Sliding forward when coming to a stop? Your wife sliding off the bike during late night garage sex? If you want grip AND protection.. we got your back. The K16 TechSpec Gripster Tank Grips are now available and in stock! The peel-n-stick material is a rubber product 125" thick with a low profile diamond grip pattern to help increase the coefficient of friction. Each (5) piece kit includes R & L Grip Skins and three tank protector panels. As you can see by the pic at right... they even look sheik.

8. We just got a shipment of LONG SLEEVE Pirates Lair Plundering tees just in time for the fall riding season. Whether wanting to look stylish at your divorce proceedings or just stylin in the board room.. we have a tee for you.. Be the envy of your work place or AA meeting!! Pirates' Lair tees make great birthday, graduation, parole, Christmas, Hanukah, or Father's Day gifts. The XLarge tees also make wonderful sleepwear for your rug rats or that special person in your life. Also good for covering up back hair and/or aging tattoos. Guaranteed to get you laid more often.*
* Does not work on married or ugly customers.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare!

K12 / K13 / K16 Rally Event News : 2012

The 13th Annual I-BMW Deals Gap Rally: October 4-7th, 2012

Where: Fontana Village Resort
Nearest town: Robbinsville, NC
When: October 4th-7th, 2011 [Thur-Sunday]
Reservations: Direct 800.849.2258

20 lodge rooms w/ 2 queen beds/ns: $85+tax - 6 2br cabins with 1 queen and 2 twin beds/kitchen/ns: $120+tax When calling, specify room or cabin. Lodge rooms are in the Garden units with parking outside the door. Cabins will be either the Laurel or Hemlock cabins. Reservations for blocked out rooms will end 45 days prior. Saavy? Be sure to mention i-bmw group when booking.

...and don't forget... Pirates Lair will be offering your choice of either Pirates Lair Plundering hats, Pirates Lair tees, or $25 gift cards to anyone who achieves a "velocity award" while in transit to or from or at the rally itself.. If we don't reward bad behavior... who else will?? Arrrrrrg.

NOTE: I-bmw.com is not an official sponsor of any posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

Be there!!!


How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

Our last contribution
was from Chris Spence of Macon,Ga .. Woohoo! Check out his safety tip # 160 Thx, bro. Could his tip save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

We have no new contributions this month..

Picture at right Courtesy of Sports Illustrated photographer Walter Iooss, Jr. / Model: Ms Melissa Haro

Click For Larger Image.. If You Want a Chub..

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues