Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around every other month, when I deem you are worthy, we post our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

Warning: While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, liberal, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment.

FYI.. If you'd like to be notified when each new newsletter is posted, just email me with your request and I'll make that happen. Our email database is 100% secure. Stored in a lock box formerly owned by Al Gore. Never shared or sold to third parties. Never perused by the NSA. Your name and email address will be safe with us into infinity and beyond.

Prepare to be boarded!

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: March 2005 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed K12 Riders.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the new year......

Kilgore watches the waves with his field glasses -- smoke drifts over. Lance crouches below. Willard is up looking off in another direction. Shells scream over, but even their noise is drowned out by the fierce SHRIEK of the PHANTOMS and the deafening BLAST of HIGH EXPLOSIVES. Willard stares at the tree line where it comes down to the river. The JETS are making a hell of the tree line; a hell of fire and steam that nothing could live in. Willard's glance goes further down river through the black smoke and there merging in the river -- small and vulnerable, is his boat.

Willard: (to Lance) "Look. There it is... the boat." Lance looks over -- a tremendous relief on his face. But still there remains the threat of Kilgore, standing stark against the sky. Willard silently motions Lance toward the boat.
Lance: (whispers) "He'll kill us."
Willard: "He can't kill us. We're on his side."
Kilgore FIRES another clip at the tree line, and then strides back without looking at them.
Kilgore: (almost to himself) "You smell that." (louder) "You smell that?"
Lance: "What?"
Kilgore: "Napalm, boy -- nothing else in the world smells like that "
Kilgore: (continuing; nostalgically) "I love the smell of napalm in the morning. One time we had a hill bombed for 12 hours. I walked up it when it was all over; we didn't find one of 'em ... not one stinking Pirates' Lair Newsletter -- but the smell -- that gasoline smell -- the whole hill -- it smelled like ... (pause) victory..."
Willard: "You know, some day this war's gonna end.. "
Kilgore: (sadly) "Yes, I know."

Lt. Col Kilgore: Robert Duvall / Lance Johnson: Sam Bottoms / Willard: Martin Sheen .. Apocalypse Now!! (1979)

News From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Back in Black from Copper Canyon: You Can Relax Now

As most of you know, we were closed for 2 weeks during February for both the Cycle World Bike Show in Chicago and a trip to Copper Canyon, Mexico. We appreciate everyone's understanding while we were closed. I've posted pics in our photo album at either HERE or HERE

Click on NEWEST over on the right hand side... or just go to the last photo album on page #3 entitled cleverly.. the Copper Canyon Trip Also.. I've posted a trip report at http://www.i-bmw.com/ Once there, click on Ride Tales and scroll down until you see my 2/28 post entitled, Copper Canyon / Amtrak Trip Report You'll laugh, you'll cry.

Speaking of the Chicago Cycle World Show.. My "S' Bike View

I finally got to see and sit on the new K1200S bike..It was an attention getter at the show. It's so much lighter than the current K12's that it feels like a "heavy" 750 jap bike. Another thing that's immediately noticed is that it sits lower.. I am only 5'7" and I could flat foot it..Very comforting. I was honestly hoping the bike would rock my world like the first time I saw a K1200RS.. but it didn't. It is nice visually but there are many bikes out there that are nice visually.. and cheaper.. and faster.. .
Here are some Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy....

1. the "S" headlight has 3 bulbs and LOOKS spectacular.. The entire front end looks beautiful.
2. The weight reduction is amazing. Amber says that even she could push it around the garage if need be. She can't budge my 98 K1200RS.
3. The wheels are some of the best I have seen on any bike.. Anywhere. Valve stems come off the spokes.. NOT the wheel rim for easy access.
4. BMW finally wised up and gave the bike some lean angle while on the centerstand. No way this bike will tip over like the RS/GT's.
5. Battery access is on TOP of the gas tank under a plastic panel. VERY good idea.
6. The seat is thinner up front which will make all of us vertically challenged riders smile.
7. Bar angle and height is about perfect for corner carving.. but... I'll imagine that 80% of the people that buy the S bike will add barbacks..
8. The mirrors actually work!! Sleek, attractive... as it should be. Kudos to the guy that came up with those.

1. The tail light on this bike is the ugliest I have ever seen on any motorcycle in 36 years of riding. It looks like a baboons ass or..Mick Jagger's tongue.. or a nastily swollen part of a prostitute's anatomy... (Use your sick imagination.) Whoever designed this must have been on a bender as it's horrid and nothing on earth, clear or otherwise can disguise it. I'm sure the Italians are laughing out loud. I have a pic posted HERE..
2. The frame is powder coated but it is not smooth as it should be. Looks primitive, at least on the one at the show. Perhaps it was an early version.
3. This stock bike had no centerstand or rear luggage rack... only two grab rails..(We do have pics of the new factory optional rear rack. E-mail me if you'd like to see it.)
4. On the K12RS or GT, you open and remove the seat by the lock on the left side of the bike.. on the S bike the lock is just above the tail light! Stupid design.

Dead Motorcyclists and Injustice

Remember back in August 2003 when that ass-wipe, ..er.. former South Dakota U.S. Representative Bill Janklow ran a stop sign and killed fellow motorcyclist, Randy Scott? Janklow had a history of speeding and traffic offenses and to this day, has NEVER ONCE said he was sorry or even admitted any guilt in the case.. While he was sentenced to a paltry 100 days in jail, a good ole boy federal judge just ruled that Janklow will NOT have to pay a dime to the family due to the Federal Tort Claims law which shields federal employees from negligence claims for actions occurred while working.... Geeezzus.. Next step for the Scott family? Looks like they may sue the US government.. I wish them success.

BMW 33rd Annual International Rally and F@%*ing Morons: A Second Look

In last month's newsletter I questioned the sanity of those responsible for choosing Lima, f#@*ing Ohio for the 2005 BMW MOA International Rally..Why? because there's not a decent motorcycle road anywhere near Lima. In case anyone hasn't noticed...Ohio sucks.. Doubt me? Go see for yourself.. It would be like the International Surfing Association (ISA) hosting a surfing event on Lake Michigan...! IMHO.. the quality of the riding should be the #1 deciding factor for ANY motorcycle rally.. which it is not... Have had many of our Ohioan customers e-mail us to actually agree..

Well as Paul Harvey would say... "and now....the rest of the story..." Was contacted by a very good friend of mine, a fellow K12'er who is actually on the committee for choosing the BMW MOA rally location and he gave me the lowdown on the site selection process.. In a nutshell.. Years ago when the earth was young and Michael Jackson was still black, the selection committee split up the country into sections.. Northeast, West, Northeast, Southeast, etc, and Hell.. which includes Ohio and I would imagine.. Missouri and/or Arkansas. Each year they rotate to the next region. One committee member is in charge of each section of the country and he is responsible for putting together a list of choices within that area..When he has a list of possible venues the committee looks at them and votes.. Guess there was slim pickins this year if Lima was the winner.. Of course I pity the guy that has the Ohio section of the country. However.. obviously there are lots of factors.. They must have 100 acres, X-amount of hotel rooms nearby, beer permits must be procurable, must have camping access for X-amount of campers, a venue for x-amount of vendors.. very complex .. Bottom line.. they have rules/procedures set up eons ago and they be stickin' to em.. even if it means hosting a motorcycle rally in f#@*ing OHIO. I wish them success with it.....and thanks for the explanation, bro.

What's New In the K1200RS/GT/S World

1. If your K12RS/GT/or LT has over 20K on it.. your steering damper is as useless as a tit's on a badger. We have been informed that Hyperpro Racing Suspension
in the Netherlands has a bolt-on replacement for the factory steering damper. I'm trying to get details on pricing.. I hear that these guys usually deal in high-performance race bikes so I'll assume it's quality product. May offer a group buy if anyone is interested... Stay tuned..

2. If barbacks aren't your cup-o-tea... and Superbike bars are just too attractive for you.. Check out this alternative.. According to their wordage... ConvertiBARSTM is the first handlebar system that allows the rider to fully customize their riding position in less time than it takes to fill the tank. ConvertiBARSTM are not just adjustable risers or clip-ons, they are an infinitely position-able handlebar system that allows you to change the motorcycle to fit you, your riding style, and or your mood. Base kit is $350 and extra lines are an option and I would imagine.. mandatory. Looks like they offer all kinds of options including different angle bars, bar-ends, and even Throttlemeisters. Well done.

3. Worried about some low-life hobbit stealing your "precious"...er.. expensive motorcycle? Don't we all. Yes.. you can install an alarm.. Gorilla, Scorpio or lock that sucker down with Krytonite or any of the hundreds of locks out there, but if a determined thieving bastage really wants it.. they'll get it. Here's a way to get your bike back.. Check out http://www.lojack.com/ They offer a Silent Tracking Device System for cars and motorcycles How it works.. If your motorcycle is stolen, the police will automatically activate the LoJack unit in your motorcycle upon completion of a stolen vehicle report. Once activated, the LoJack unit transmits a silent signal to LoJack Police Tracking Computers. Police cruisers and aircraft in LoJack coverage areas are equipped with LoJack Police Tracking Computers. They can home in on it like a sissy in a prison yard. The catch? Not every state is up to speed as of yet.. perhaps 24 states, I think. 1-(800)-4-LOJACK No idea on price..

4. Revard BMW of Indianapolis is either going out of biz or has already closed their doors... We wish, Bill (the owner),his family, and staff the best of luck in future endeavors..

5. Speaking of closings... Westchester BMW in White Plains NY will be closing at the end of this month. Their operations will merge with BMW of Manhattan.

6. There is a new BMW produced Hard Topcase available for at least one K1200GT.. the 2004 model. It's 31L, comes in black or silver and clamps on the luggage rack similar to the soft topcase. Total cost around $387. Directions state that it's for the '04 RS/GT only, but this makes ZERO since to me as the 04 GT rack is the same as every other K1200RS or GT rack going back to 1997..Once again.. looks like BMW furnished product info is wrong. Part #'s follow.
Top Case, Black - 71 60 7 681 189
Top Case, White Aluminum - 71 60 7 693 702
Lock Cylinder - 51 25 7 688 839
Adapter Kit - 71 60 7 680 821

7. We all knew it was just a matter of time... Check out the new 167hp BMW Sport Touring bike.. Destined to replace the GT? Comments? Opinions? Nekid pics?

8. as seen at http://www.i-bmw.com/.. BMW and Aprilia Motorcycles in talks ? Looks to be happening..Here's a link to the British article...

9. Yet another German company is putting out some CNC'd products for both the K1200RS/GT and the upcoming "S" Bike.. Check out the Hornig Company or e-mail them at : info@motorradzubehoer-hornig.de

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. You knew it was just a matter of time... drum roll por for vor..... With the advent of the new K1200S, Pirates Lair will obviously be expanding our product line to offer a full accessory line for the new bike.. As per the prophesies.. we just got our K1200S product page up at http://pirateslair.net/ProductS.htm It's a bit sparse at the moment, but sooner or later.. we'll be.. "Top of the world, ma!!

2. In case you've been interned at Guantanamo for the last few months... http://www.i-bmw.com/ , the worlds finest BMW K1200RS/GT chat site already has a K1200S section up and operating. I'll wager that the I-BMW team will do for the "S" crowd what it has done for the RS/GT guys.... Furnish both the best source of information and the liveliest discussions... and in case anyone is wondering.. No.. I have no affiliation with the site. I just hang out there and flirt with the waitresses like everyone else.

3. Speaking of the "S" bike.. We have TWO K1200S Tee's in the works. One will feature the Yellow/Black/Silver bike.. the other the Blue/White.

4. Our R1200GS Stealth Backrest will hit the streets in 2 weeks... Comments? Opinions? Jesus juice?

5. Hell has frozen over and we have Carbon Fiber Front Fenders for the RS'GT's...

6. We will soon have plastic kickstand pads emblazoned with our Pirates' Lair logo. Small enough to carry in your back pocket, tank bag.. No more looking for a freakin' rock when we pull over on damp days...

7. I had mentioned last month that our next backrest project would be the 2005 R1200RT., but due to parts availability issues, we think we are gonna squeeze in a backrest for the 1000cc and 650cc Suzuki V-Stroms. We have ordered a rear rack (which not only fits both bikes, but every V-Strom ever made!.. ) and should start on this project the week of March 15th. Why the Suzuki? We get a lot of requests for them...

Rally News/Info: Down The Road: 2005

The 2005 Hill Country Rally is growing closer! If you have not been to the Texas Hill Country.. you have missed some wonderful roads. I've been to all the K12 Rallies and THIS is my favorite for riding... Mark your calendar for April 14-17. You can now sign up at http://www.tbmwsr.com/.
Word from fellow K12'er Sir Barry Gibbs.. former umbrella holder for Michael Jackson..

"To help accommodate an overbooking by Inn of the Hills, I have agreed to change our date from April 7-10 to April 14-17. By agreeing to this change, the hotel has offered to reduce our room to $72 for the standard room. They were not forcing us to change, only asking that we help them out. I did not receive any negative comments from potential attendees, so I agreed. When you reserve your room, tell the you are attending the Rally and that we have a special room rate. If you have any problems, ask for Eric in Sales at 800-292-5690"

The BRPR 2005 is Set !!!! (info provided by the inestimable Tim Hudspeth.. a.k.a CBNFVR)
Where: Peaks of Otter 1-800-542-5927 Blue Ridge Parkway, mile post 86
When: May 12-15 (Thur-Sun) First night deposit required ($94.17, 2004 rates, No change expected for 2005.)
We have all 63 rooms (62 now) held until April 1st, 2005. After April 1st, all non-reserved rooms go public. Mention BMW Motorcycle Group to reserve your room. Other lodging available in Bedford, Va: Super 8 and /or Days Inn

Italy, May 2005 The German K12 Chat site at http://www.k1200rs.de/events/meeting-11/index.htm is having a K12 Rally in Northern Italy next year, May 26-29 2005, in San Damiano near Piacenza and just south of Milan.

2005 Ride to Read Rally (from fellow K12'er Jerome Eberharter / Founder, CEO White Cloud Coffee & self proclaimed Coffee Adventurer)

"A quick note to let you know the 2005 Ride to Read rally here in Boise will be on June 11. We had an excellent turn out and ride this year. People can see more at: http://www.whitecloudcoffee.com/r2r/index.php "
Thanks & All the Best! Jerome

Summer Solstice Rally, Northeast (from the quasi-esteemed Mike Cousino at www.I-BMW.com)
Okay the place and date is set for Camp Meade on Friday and Saturday, June 10th and 11th, 2005. They have twenty rooms. Some are their own cottages. Some are double, with two separate rooms to one cottage. Each room/cottage has their own bath. There are no cots so don't ask to put extra people in a room. I would ask the the single riders pair up and share a room/cottage with another person as space is limited.
Prices are:
Dbl = $63, there are eleven of these
2- Dbls = $73, there are eight of these
For reservations or additional information telephone:
Camp Meade @ (802) 223-5537 / Refer to BMW group

The 6th Annual Deals Gap K12 Rally ...will again be held at the Tapoco Lodge in 2005, Sept 29th-Oct 1st to be precise. It won't hold us all, so make plans now! No sign-up sheet yet. Just reserve a room and be there! Most of us from this year already have a room, so it's not too soon to plan.
(info provided by the quasi-esteemed moto-god...Tim Hudspeth.. a.k.a CBNFVR) Glad to know that besides Bill O'Reilly.. someone else is looking out for us.. Thanks Tim.


How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle
We have a THREE new contributions relating to Tailgating from quasi-esteemed Jeff Frost in Sacramento, California.. Check it out # 78, 79, & 80 Could these tips save your life? Do you dare NOT look?

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and I'll add it on.. Remember.. we're all in this together.. so shave your legs.

Guess that kinda wraps this one up. Ride safe and best wishes for an early spring!.... Until we meet again....

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues