Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around the 15th of each month, when I deem you are worthy, we put out our cheesy K12 newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW K12RS/GT/S/R world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out? If you want to subscribe and have these sent via e-mail to your home or office just let us know at pirate@acelink.net .. otherwise you'll get 95% of it here. Why only 95%? Because I tend to tell the brutal truth as I see it on many issues/products and while I don't mind spewing "my opinion" into your home, office or cell .. I have no desire to slam, insult, or malign any company, individual, competitor in public.. unless they blatantly deserve it.

While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered or meek, amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you look elsewhere for your written info-tainment.
So it is written.. so let it be done....

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: July 2005 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the day.....

The man lowers his newspaper. Just across the street..it's Deacon Frost. He's wearing sunglasses, but otherwise, he's seemingly unprotected by the sun. Blade reaches for his .454 -- Frost snatches a young girl to his side... Blade pauses... Frost's hand rests on the back of the girl's neck. We see his claws extend, caressing the flesh beneath her chin.

Frost: Easy. Wouldn't want our little friend here to wind up on the back of a milk carton, would we?
Blade reluctantly lowers his hand. Frost smiles. He takes in a deep breath of air, savoring it.
Frost: Beautiful day, isn't it?
Blade: Sunblock...
Frost: It's not very effective in direct sunlight, but it's a start. The goal, of course, is to be like you, "the Day-walker".
On closer examination we see that Frost is wearing a translucent lotion on his face. He touches a finger to his cheek, rubs some of the lotion between his fingers.
Blade: I don't buy it.
Frost: Why not? The future of our race runs through your bloodstream. You've got the best of both worlds, Blade. All of our strengths, none of our weaknesses, and the Pirates' Lair Cheesy Newsletter..
Blade: Maybe I don't see it that way.
Frost: Oh, so it's back to pretending we're human again, is it? Spare me the Uncle Tom routine. You can't keep denying what you are. You're one of us, Blade. You always have been.
Blade: You're wrong.
Frost: Am I? You think the humans will ever accept a half-breed like you? They can't. They're afraid of you. You're a freak.. an animal. They fear us because in their hearts they know their race has become obsolete. Frost watches the humans stream past, sneering in contempt.
Frost: Look at them, just an endless stream of cattle in a mad race to the slaughterhouse.Together we can......
Blade: Your mascara's running.
Frost: (angry...) I make you an offer to join us ....and you spit it back in my face...
Blade: You're nothing more to me than another dead vampire..

Blade / Wesley Snipes / Decon Frost /Stephen Dorff / Blade 1998

News From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Deals Gap Update: Us vs Them .. Stinkin Badjez...

A confirmed rumor (Doh!) has it that a few unnamed locals in Dragon territory had a powwow with some local government officials and officers and asked them to back off the weekend storm trooper tactics .. told them it was bad for local biz ...and unwarranted ...and unfriendly.. and caused erectile disfunction...and showed blatant discrimination against the two-wheeled masses who just wanna rider their bikes and not be hassled by the man...

Apparently.. (fingers crossed) something seems to have changed. This last weekend, the Dragon was as packed as I have seen it in a while, yet unlike a few weeks ago when there were a 5-6 troopers on bikes and in cars... there was only ONE car of the Dragon all day and he was NOT issuing tickets.. none. He was hiding deep in the bowels of the Dragon just past the apex of one of the better curves... I came blowing by at double the speed limit and all he did was stick his hand out the window with the slow-down hand signal.. I spoke with a few others up at the overlook who said they got the same signal.. Just slow down.. Very cool..

It is my opinion (and it oughta be yours) that it probably wouldn't hurt if we riders would just stop and hang out with the troopers when they are out on the Dragon... introduce ourselves..be friendly .. offer a tick-tac... maybe just to say thanks for not busting our ass. What have we got to lose?

Back Protectors: FooFoo or Required Equipment? You Make the Call

Some of you may remember the back protector review I did a couple of months ago... fellow rider Terry D. Brown did. and sent this e-mail 6/27.. (pasted)

"Hi Jerry, I read your back protector review.. thought you'd find this interesting. I was on an organized ride with the Ala. BMW club this past weekend. The guy 2 bikes in front of me didn't make it through a turn & hit a tree at about 40 mph. It ripped the right jug off his boxer engine and burst into flames. The tree shattered his right leg (it literally tore the heel off his leather boot) and he ended up about 50 feet down the road after doing several cartwheels. He was however, wearing a back protector - manufacturer unknown. He complained of severe back pain, but was able to move his toes. I am convinced his back protector is the reason he wasn't paralyzed. So I have decided that a back protector is required equipment for me. Thanks !!!" Terry D. Brown

Battery Charger for the K1200S and K1200R: Word from BMW

Had a customer ask us advice on what type of battery charger they should use on their new "S bike. I suggested he call Battery Tender and ask them directly.. He was told by Battery Tender to simply go with the direct to battery connection but.... to contact BMW directly for their opinion which follows..

Thank you for contacting BMW Motorrad USA.

The AGM Battery Charger for your K 1200 S is available through the parts department of your BMW Retailer. Please reference Part# 71 60 7 688 865 when consulting with them. The Battery Charger includes an accessory plug to insert in your accessory outlet. However, BMW also offers the optional Battery Charger Adapter Lead which provides alligator clips, and you can reference Part# 71 60 7 688 864 for this accessory. I hope this information helps.

If you have any further questions, please respond to this e-mail or contact the Customer Relations and Services Department at 1-800-831-1117. Our office hours are Monday through Friday from 9:00 A.M. to 9:00 P.M., Eastern Standard Time.

BMW Motorrad USA

Passport 8500 X-50 Upgrade Update: Pinch Me I'm Dreaming

When I bought my Passport 8500 about 3 years ago from Escort's On-line website, I also purchased their optional 3yr FREE software upgrade guarantee for an extra $30 or so.. As radar detection technology changes as fast as computer or cell phone technology, I figured it was a good gamble and as it turns out.. it just paid off. .. and even better than expected. Many of you have noticed their new 8500 X-50 is on the market and reviews say it's much better than the old 8500..and is now arguably the finest radar detector on earth. Well.. I called Escort and asked about sending mine in for my FREE upgrade and was told that unfortunately.. the X-50 upgrade is not only a software upgrade but a hardware upgrade as well... Geeezz.. However.. they said for those who were insightful enough to have paid for the upgrade package at time of purchase they were actually swapping out the 8500's for a brand new X-50.. at no additional charge.. Woohoo..!!
It's good to know there's a company out there who will not only stand behind a product, but won't try to weasel out of an agreement when they easily could. My hat's off to the customer service staff at Escort for their help and to the owner who actually sets the policies... " You have my grrrrrratitude." (Han / Enter the Dragon)

What's New In the K1200RS/GT/S/R No-Spin Zone

1. There's a new K1200S exhaust system on the market... made by Akrapovic If you go to the Akrapovic website and carefully read the additional information chart, you will see that the K1200S exhaust system is not legal for street use. However.. in a valiant effort to give our quasi-esteemed customers everything they need/want/desire .. (excluding porn..or Amber's panties) we attempted to jump through the prerequisite hoops with motorcycle accessory giant, Parts-Unlimited to become a dealer of these exhausts.

but as Paul Harvey would say... "and now.. the rrrrrrest of the story." On 6/23/05 I spoke in depth with Torsten Corum, sales rep at Parts Unlimited,and asked if we could become one of the 10,000 vendors they proudly proclaim to have under their wing.. I explained to him the nature of our "focused" biz.. catering to youz guyz....our history specializing in 3 or 4 motorcycles...I explained that we would meet all their minimum purchase requirements.. ($5000 a year).. stick to their pricing structure, produce my firstborn, etc... Bottom line, they won't sell to us as we don't have a store front no matter how much business we are prepared to do with them.. Kinda hurts my last feeling that apparently they'll do biz with EVERYONE else in the known universe.. except us... If anyone would like to go to bat for us and/or vent at this policy...Parts-Unlimited can be reached at: comments@parts-unltd.com No threats please... That doesn't help anyone..including us..

2. We just heard this from owner/CEO/Jedi Knight, Charlie V of Pit Bull Motorcycle stands...
"We have now fit checked the BMW K1200S, and R models with our one armed rear stand and are satisfied. They should be ready for delivery early next week."

3. We just heard from Klaus of Run-N-Lites (a new K1200R owner), and he's about to release a Lite Buddy Kit for the K1200S/K1200R.

4. Clear Alternatives now has clear and smoke turn signal lenses for the fronts of the K1200LT and R1150GS

5. The BMW K1200S World Sport Performance Seat from Sargent Seats is tentatively scheduled to be released in Spring 2006. To pre-register, call them toll-free at 1-800-749-7328 (M-F, 8-5 Eastern) Tell them I sent you.

6. There's a Carbon Fiber-looking kinda solo seat/storage compartment thingie available for the new K1200S by the German company Glauser-Tool Looks..er... interesting..

7. Speaking of German accessories... Pack-Parts has some waaaay freakin' cool Carbon Fiber parts for the new K1200R bike!! The sheer number of parts is impressive.. and they look trick as hell!. Carbon Air Intake, Clutch Cover "Spider" , Cockpit Cover , Cooler Cover , Engine Spoiler , Fairing , Frontwing , fuel Tank Covers , Tank Cover Middle Part ,and a dark tinted windshield. If I owned an R... this company would make some serious $$ off of me.. and BTW.. they also have a sweet looking Rear Hugger for the K1200RS.. different than anything else on the market... / Tip courtesy of our good friend Kjell Idsal over at http://www.i-bmw.com/ aka.. Locus, aka Locus of Borg

8. Speaking of the "R" bike.... As per the prophesy...there will be a Power Cup Replica K1200R produced.. Possibly as early as Dec 1st!! Wooohooo!.

9. Need a nice looking stick-on waterproof clock or thermometer for one of your bikes, boat, or John Deere? Don't we all... Looks like Formotion Products specializes in these.. Check out their waaaay cool selection.

10. Attention Sherpas! Verholen of Germany has a top box for the K1200S at The optional factory rack is required. Cost looks to be $177.US + s/h and the factory rack is about $160+s/h. For the times when you absolutely positively need to bring along all your s#@*. Geezzz.."..the horror.. the horror..."

11. Two Bros Racing is or is about to start working on an exhaust system for the K1200S! Details to come..THAT should be interesting..As we all know.. they rule the HP world of the K1200RS and GT. .. however.. Remus and Lazer have beat them to the "S" market with some great looking and great sounding systems that deliver some impressive numbers. I actually held in my hands last week one of the Remus full titanium "S" exhaust systems and it was without a doubt the lightest system I had ever seen or felt.. The header alone felt like under 5lbs.. Amazing... Of course you could take a trip to Tahiti for what they cost... Priorities, my friends..

12. We hear a company in the UK is producing billet brake and clutch reservoir covers for the new K1200S and R bikes.. Can you say.. "bling."?

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. We now offer the SportBikeCam Mount for the new K1200S and R bikes!! Great for the street, track, or garage porn. The gas cap mounted mounting system provides a solid platform for your video camera or still digital or 35mm camera to capture stunning, playful nudes or track images to show your friends and/or the jury. I have one of these on both my RS and my MV.. Quality s*%#!

2. We just got our second shipment of the new Staintune Liquid Mirror Polish. The stuff is worthy of the name.. First shipment sold out instantly.

3. For the Ducati-ista out there... We now have a Ducati Multistrada Staintune page up.

4. Big feet and a small shift lever make for a cheating wife.. er.. I mean bad shifting. We now have the MV Verholen Shift Lever Extension on the menu. Their shift lever adapter fits directly over the existing rubber shift lever giving you the length your wife dreams about. Problem solved. Unfortunately.... we're already sold out of them but more are in transit.. These fit the K1200S/R/RS/ and GT..

5. Rather than ponder why the Germans didn't think you needed a centerstand on your K1200S.. stop your whining and listen up.. As per the blurb above, we will soon offer our BMW K1200S/R customers the finest stand on the market... the legendary Pit Bull Stand. This US made stand offers easy one man/woman/morlock operation without the fear of your $16,000.00 toy crashing to the ground when lifting.. Will they be offering a FRONT stand?? Yes and No.. The front stand that they make for the BMW K1200RS works perfectly with the S and R bike, however.. Pit Bull signed an exclusive agreement with De Furor to sell the K1200RS designated front stands to BMW dealers ONLY. At this point, Pit Bull owner and man about town, Charlie VanValkenburgh is trying to figure out if the legalese precludes him from selling the lifts for another bike and another designation..Stay tuned

6. Read moto-journalista extrordinare, Fred Rau's Motorcycle Consumer News review of our ST1300 Stealth Backrest at http://www.pirateslair.net/Stmcnreview.htm

7. In last months newsletter I mentioned that we'd have Verholen Frame caps for the new "S" bike.. Well our shipment arrived and I simply didn't like the design or the fit. I pulled them from our menu, returned them to Germany, and asked Verholen to redesign them to my evil bidding... stay tuned..

8. Ever wonder why BMW's brilliant and highly paid engineers can't design a halfway decent helmet lock? It's an enigma. Guess they burnt up all their creative cells perfecting the look of the rear tail light on the new S.. Doh!! We now have some K1200S/R bike helmet locks In Stock. Install time is about 5 minutes.We offer these in TWO colors.. Silver (for the bikes with the silver frame) and Black (for.. you guessed it Columbo... the bikes with the black frames.) These are designed by the same K12 rider that has been producing them for the RS/GT's for the last 2 years. I evaluated a kit and it is worthy...Currently ONLY the black version is in stock. The silver version is about 10 days out. We don't have a web page up yet.. but we will soon. If interested.. call Amber at 828.628.7093 EST.

9. We have some waaaaaay cool R1200R Power Cup /Pirates' Lair tees in the works. They will feature the Red, White, and Blue Power Cup "R" with our wood-giving Pirates' Lair graphics in the background...As with our other tees.. these will be printed in a limited quantity on 100% cotton lovingly harvested from virgin sheep.. Guaranteed to attract supermodels* .. ( * if worn by Tom Cruise, Brad Pitt, Colin Farrell, Jude Law )

10. Tired of your plain-jane MV Agusta F4 not getting enough attention? Have self esteem problems? Rather than wasting your money on therapy.. how about our new MV Agusta Clear LED Tail Light. Yes.. they are IN Stock! FYI.. The kit has RED burning LED's . and an option for making the tail light blink with the turn signals. Get all the attention you never got in high school. Fits every F4 and Brutale.

11. We just received our first shipment of MV Agusta Clear Blinker Lenses . We have them for the front and rear.. F4 and Brutale. Waaay cool.

12. Finishing touches are being put on a Brake LED Taillight Kit for the K1200S and R... Hope to have them in stock VERY soon. I am told they ROCK!!

13. We now have Throttlemeister's for the K1200S... Yes. and exclusive as per a mandate of the new Pope... a K1200S owner. If I owned an "S" bike.. this would be the FIRST accessory I'd buy. Throttlemeister makes TWO versions for the "S" bike. We will carry only the standard version. They also make a heavier and slightly longer model, but I chose NOT to carry it as I personally think the shorter version, which works EXACTLY the same, and looks better on the "S" bike.

Rally News/Info: Down The Road: 2005

The 6th Annual Deals Gap K12 Rally ...will again be held at the Tapoco Lodge in 2005, Sept 29th-Oct 1st to be precise. It won't hold us all, so make plans now! No sign-up sheet yet. Just reserve a room and be there! Most of us from this year already have a room, so it's not too soon to plan.
(info provided by the quasi-esteemed moto-god...Tim Hudspeth.. a.k.a CBNFVR) Glad to know that besides Bill O'Reilly.. someone else is looking out for us.. Thanks Tim.

The 2006 Hill Country Rally is already in the works!! ! Here's a note from our good pardner James Myrick,... next year's organizer.....
"Well partners, the Texas Hill Country Roundup 2006 date is official: We are going for 4 days of two wheel fun in the country this time around. April 12 ( Wed.) 13,14, 15 and if you wish Sunday 16th ( Easter ). It will be at "The Inn of the Hills " so mark your calendars. Details to follow in a few months. "

Finger Lakes i-BMW Group 2005 August 19-21 Further details to follow coming weeks...stay tuned.
Location: Watkins Glen NY.
Early bird arrivals Thursday 18th
i-bmw not affiliated with any other rally/club.
Check these links for lodging: http://www.watkinsglenlodging.com/facilities.html or http://www.schuylerny.com/

How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have a FOUR new contributions this month!!.. The first two from quasi-esteemed Randall T. Maluy of Fullerton, CA.. Check them out # 86 & #87
the 3rd... # 88 is from Sir Michael Lyman of Fremont, CA..
the 4th ... #89 is from Hank Barta of beautiful, sunny Winfield, Illinois Thx guys..no luggage but a hardy pat on da back. Glad somebody is lookin' out for us..
Could these tips save your life? Do you dare NOT look?

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive on your Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.. Remember.. we're all in this together.. so use deodorant.

BMW How-To Section

No contributions this month..
Guess that kinda wraps this one up. Ride safe and best wishes for a good summer!.... See ya in my mirrors...

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues