Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around the 1st or 15th of each month, when I deem you are worthy, we put out our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

If you want to subscribe and have these sent via e-mail to your home or office just let us know at pirate@acelink.net .. otherwise you'll get 95% of it here. Why only 95%? Because I tend to tell the brutal truth as I see it on many issues/products and while I don't mind spewing "my opinion" into your home, office or cell, I have no desire to slam, insult, or malign any company, individual, competitor in public.. unless they blatantly deserve it.

While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment. So it is written.. so let it be done....

Bad Santa

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: December 2011 Issue : Happy Holidays!

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the month.....

Buddy, who is human, but was raised by elves at the North Pole, innocently bursts in on his newly discovered dads business meeting where the worlds most prolific children's book writer (and little person), Miles Finch is trying to explain the concept of his new book. Buddy proudly proclaims.." Dad! I'm in love, I'm in love, And I don't care who knows it!... Then he notices the diminutive man at the other end of the table..

Buddy: I didn't know you had elves working here.
Miles Finch: Oh... boy, you're... you're hilarious, my friend.
Walter: He doesn't, uh... get back to
MIles Finch: The story.. All right, okay. [Clears throat] So, on the cover above the title...
Buddy: Does Santa know that you left the workshop?
Miles Finch: You know, we're all laughing our heads off.
Buddy: Did you have to borrow a reindeer to get down here?
Walter: Buddy... go back to the basement.
Buddy: [thinking Miles is an elf] Did you have to borrow a reindeer to get down here?
Miles Finch: Hey, jackweed, I get more action in a week than you've had in your entire life. I've got houses in L.A., Paris and Vail. In each one, a 70 inch plasma screen. I get the latest Cheesy Pirates Lair Newsletter before it's even sent out to the masses. Perks of who I am. So I suggest you wipe that stupid smile off your face before I come over there and SMACK it off! You feeling strong, my friend? Call me elf one more time.
Buddy: [after a pause] He's an angry elf.

Buddy / Will Ferrell.. Miles Finch / Peter Dinklage...Walter / James Caan .. .Elf (2003)

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Picture Of The Month! Isle of Skye, Scotland! (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our December POTM was contributed by photographer extrordinaire and purveyor of www.Sport-Touring.eu .. Gijs van Dijk .. aka ‘Mo'Gas’ of the Netherlands. This is his 3rd contribution and this shot is probably my favorite. He says of the image.. .."That picture was taken mid morning at the Isle of Skye (Scotland) near Loch Sligachan. A nice balmily and sunny 65F day, which was a big contrast to the previous day when we arrived when it was pissing with rain, dense fog and cold. You couldn’t see more than 300ft. Imagine our surprise at the beautiful scenery the next day when we started riding. In the back you see part of the Black Cuillin, which are the highest mountain range in the UK, with the highest peak at 3255ft (not in the photo). Skye is absolutely stunning, if the weather allows you to see it. :) This is a composite of 3 identical photos with different exposures to create a HDR image that shows foreground and background even though it was shot straight into the sun. "

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of a BMW K1200S, K1300S, K1200RS, K1200R, R Sport, S1000RR, K1600GT, or any model year K1200GT or K1300GT and B. In focus.

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Back in Black from Ecuador Vacation: You Can Relax Now

As most of you know, Pirates Lair was closed for almost 2 full weeks just recently for mental renovation.. a.k.a..a long overdue vacation. Even though the Obama administration is hell bent on putting us under, we decided we couldn't wait forever for a vacation so we made the decision to take the time off to recharge our batteries. We appreciate everyone's understanding while we were away and for those who didn't understand in spite of the scrolling red banners posted all over our website a month prior to us leaving... Blow me. Anyway, Amber and I went to Ecuador (in South America) and spent time in both the highlands (over 13,000ft) and a few days in the Amazon basin. Had always wanted to see this unspoiled country with Amber and we were not disappointed... It's a spanktacularly beautiful place.

If you get bored and are even faintly interested, feel free to check out our most humble vacation photos! Look for the 2 albums appropriately titled Ecuador Trip 2011..and Ecuador Trip 2011- Amazon. The best way to view them is to click on the album you want to view then click the slide show button over on the right.. or not.

If you'd like to follow our Ecuadorian exploits.. Check out my full trip report.

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What Men Really Want for Christmas: Pirates Lair Gift Cards, Tees, Hats!

Through the years we've gotten more requests for Pirates Lair gift cards, tees, and hats than anything else except perhaps naked pictures of Amber. Who are we to deny the masses? Pirates' Lair again is offering Pirates Lair Gift Cards this holiday season in a number of denominations to fit your congressionally pummeled budget. From $25 to $300! Our standard sized plastic gift card is sleek, stylish, and professionally made. And no.. it doesn't look anything like the babe at right although that's NOT a bad idea. Whip it out (the card, that is) and you will garner respect and admiration from not only your peers, but also the less fortunate around you. and yes... we are also offering our newly printed, limited edition Pirates Lair Plundering Tees and Hats!!

Like buying underwear or choosing a hooker, buying motorcycle accessories is a very personal thing. Simply guessing what your favorite rider actually needs/wants/desires for his ride is a hit or miss proposition. Rather than putting yourself in the embarrassing situation of getting the wrong thing or worse.. something that he or she hates and has to return... you can't go wrong with one of our waaaay cool Pirates Lair Gift Cards. Ladies.. these are perfect for the holidays, birthdays, weddings, promotions, or just a way of saying.. "Honey.. I'm sorry I slept with your brother." Remember.. nothing says.. "I love you" or "I'm sorry" to a man like shiny plastic or I suppose.. an unexpected BJ.. One that doesn't involve begging, cash, or undercover police officers.

Included with every Pirates Lair Gift Card is a single-fold, greeting card style gift card holder with a folded/glued pocket inside for easy gift card insertion and removal. These are made of premium-quality silk finish paper. And that's not all! We also include a small matching envelope. Folded size: 4 3/4" x 3 3/8" Actual cost of each card is $5 to cover cost of card, holder, envelope package, and insured shipping inside the US. For instance.. a $25 gift card will cost $30 to your door. Saavy? Foreign orders are welcome. Happy Holidays!

I got what you want!!

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Product Review Follow-Ups: Year End Closure and Reflection for 2011

Over the past year I've done quite a few product reviews. As we all know.. opinions can and do change after we've used something for a while. Sometimes for the better.. sometimes for the worse. Thought I'd wrap up the year's last cheesy newsletter with some final thoughts.. Some better .. some worse..

Follow-Up: ETI HID Kits April 2011 / We picked up this new line of Chinese-made HID kits early in the year after DDM stopped importing their designated motorcycle kits. To date we've sold at least 400 ETI-brand kits and have seen probs with only one or two kits. Sweet! Well worth the doubloons.

Follow-Up: Turtle Wax "ICE" Synthetic Liquid Polish August 2011 / I reported in August that this was the easiest wax I'd ever used in all my years in this solar system. After many uses I still stick by that assumption, but .. I now realize that the stuff is more of a quick detailing fix for times when you're in a rush (or just really lazy) than a product for long term protection. It definitely doesn't last like a "real" wax product like Maguires Carnuba paste wax, Zaino, Zymol, Mothers, etc. I still use it all the time..

Follow-Up: Arai Quantum II Helmet August 2011 / I said it then and I'll say it again...The Quantum II is simply the best helmet I've ever owned. Light, durable, comfortable... and yes.. I still think Aria's visor mechanism had to be designed by a congressional subcommittee made up of non-riders who've never seen or worn a helmet. In spite of the "easy as a Rubiks cube" visor system... I still love the helmet. It's actually solved some of my long term neck problems which were previously aggravated by heavy lids.

Ginger? or MaryAnn?

Follow-Up: Pro Grip Sportbike Gel Model 713: Sept 2011 / I have now put a few thousand miles on these grips and I'm still very happy with them. Now that the weather has turned nipply, I've discovered that they work great with heated grips.. Great balance of grip and comfort and all at a cheap price. As far as I can tell.. no downsides.

Follow-Up: Pirelli Rosso Tires: I go through motorcycle tires like Charlie Sheen goes through hos and I'm always looking for the perfect tire that offers a balance of grip and longevity. During the year I mentioned in one of my newsletters that I had changed from very capable Dunlop Q2's to Pirelli Rossos.. their latest greatest street tire. After reading (and being suckered in by) all Pirelli's advertising spiel on this tire, the results on my K1200S have kinda surprised me. While I was getting a consistent 3200 miles out of the front Q2 and almost 4000 miles out of the rear, I got only 2900 miles out of the rear Rosso. What the f#@&?! The jury is still out on the front, but I can tell it's not gonna be very impressive. This mileage is only marginally better than my favorite tire.. the Pirelli Corsa III. Krikey. As for feel and daily use, the Rosso's are no better than the Q2's in most regards. The differences are minimal with the greatest being, the Rossos are more predictable when they break loose at extreme lean angles. The feeling is more controlled and uneventful unlike the Q2's which cause me to pinch a hole in my seat when they loose traction. The Rosso profile is slightly more neutral.. otherwise.. the Q2's offer a better value on these heavy bikes. My conclusions? This financially strapped pirate has decided I'll NOT be buying any more Rossos. Frankly.. I just wasn't impressed. I may end up going back to Dunlops, but only after I try a few other newly developed offerings. Currently testing Michelin Power Pures. Will report on them sometime in 2012.. Stay tuned.

What's New In the K12 / K13 / S1000RR No-Spin Zone

I should note that as the K1200RS and first generation K1200GT have been discontinued, I receive less and less news of any new products for them.. I mention this as a few semi-loyal subscribers have accused me of abandoning our roots.. Not true.. I only report what's going on.. Don't shoot the messenger.. I will NEVER abandon the K1200RS crowd. It appears that the times.. they are a changin.' Deal with it. Also.. a special thx to www.I-BMW.com, www.K-Bikes.com , and www.BMWK1200S.com for the information & pictures I regularly pilfer from these sites..

1. BMW Announces K1300S with HP Package!! This just showed up as a press release from BMW Motorrad. Can't tell if its targeted for the U.S. or not. Looks promising! The Dynamics Package from BMW Motorrad presents a range of optional equipment and optional accessories that serve to enhance even further the riding dynamics, riding safety, comfort, and touring capabilities provided by the extensive equipment that is already fitted as standard. The new Dynamics Package will be available from January 2012 for orders of new vehicles.

The highlights of the special model K1300S with HP Package: • metal badge of brushed aluminum with edition number on the air box cover • special paintwork in solid Alpine white/Lupin blue metallic/Night black • HP carbon front wheel cover • HP carbon airbox cover • HP carbon clutch cover • HP carbon seat cover • HP footrests for rider and passenger • HP gearshift assistant • Akrapović sports silencer • electronic suspension adjustment ESA II • onboard computer • automatic stability control ASC • tyre pressure control RDC • heated grips • tinted windscreen • flux capacitor • paddock stand

2..ZTechnik just got their first shipment of VStream Windshields for both the K1600GTL and the K1600GT!! Woohoo!!. Here's the first look of the standard GT VStream.... You can get those at any BMW dealer or ..Pirates Lair, of course.

3. World Superbike 2012: Melandri Signs with BMW! With Troy Corser's contract complete after the 2011 World Superbike Championship, BMW Motorrad confirmed Saturday that the Australian will no longer be on the team. Joining the Brit Leon Haslam on the BMW Motorrad World Superbike team will be Marco Melandri, who competed on the Yamaha Factory Racing team this season. The 29-year-old Italian who took the 2002 250cc MotoGP Championship has signed on for a year aboard the BMW S1000RR.

4. Word is already out on the 2012 S1000RR.. By the sound of Cycle Worlds latest article– First Ride Throwing Fuel on the Flames. The second generation bike was/is worth the wait.

5. and speaking of the 2012 S100RR... Motorcyclist On-Line Magazine has some juicy details. Also for those who prefer pretty pictures to complicated words.... Here's a link to all 126 photos of the 2012 bike.

6. Looking for some paint and headlight protection for your new BMW K1600GTL?? InvisiGuard has a 21 pieces kit for the bike... Not cheap at $361.95 but IMHO.. it's probably worth it..

7. Want to turn the worlds greatest sportbike.. the S1000RR into a butt-ugly pack mule? Believe it or not.. some do and while I personally think that anyone who wants to do such things should be keelhauled and then forced to watch back to back episodes of "the View," I can't let my omnipotent views get in the way of reporting.. For those defilers of the sacred who insist on turning their sportbike into something it's not, Cycle Guys S1000RR Saddlebags use your S1000RR's stock passenger footpeg brackets as mounting points. They do not touch bodywork or seat and does not use any additional brackets. No drilling or modifications are necessary.

The LR360o (Locking Rotational 360 degree) mounting system is what makes these bags unique. Each bag's angle is fully adjustable, allowing clearance of turn signals, exhaust, and to make the bag sit at the right angle on every bike. Once locked in place, the bags don't move. Each SLS bag is rated at ten pounds capacity, enough luggage for a good, long trip out of town, and will also fit a full-face helmet. A zippered expansion allows you to carry even more gear when you need it, and inside, each bag features an elastic cargo net pouch to keep things organized. The complete SLS bag system for the BMW S1000RR includes two SLS bags and adjustable mounting hardware, with a suggested (and reasonable) retail price of $295.00.

Show me more, Georgie boy.. Show me more!

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. Unless you were born with arms like an orangutan, you've probably wanted to add bar risers on your K1200RS. We hear it all the time. When we got the painful news last month that American Machine had stopped producing risers for the mighty K1200RS, we scrambled like Joe Nameth against a Baltimore Colt blitz and came up with a worthy alternative. The Wunderlich Vario-Ergo Riser Kit for the K1200RS includes a longer upper brake line and everything needed for installation. These adjustable risers reposition the handlebars about 50mm closer to the rider for a good compromise offering better feel without screwing up the sporting nature of the bike. Here's what they look like on the bike.. Click Here.

As this German-made kit comes with a longer brake line, a bleed job will be required. Unless you know what you are doing, this is a job best left to your local extornionist..er.. BMW dealer. FYI.. Bleeding lines on a bike with ABS is a little tougher than on a non-ABS bike. Ya see!!?? I am still lookin' out for our K1200RS customers....

Show me more!

3. In case you suffer from ADD and have forgotten the earlier blurb... the long awaited Pirates Lair Plundering hats are now in stock...and don't forget our plundering tees and gift cards would make perfect gifts for the holiday season.

4. Just in time for the holidays! Our bi-yearly shipment of Pirates Lair Torque Arms just arrived!.. We have two versions for your K1300S, 2005-08 K1200S, K1200R, K1200R Sport, K1300GT, or 2006 & later GT.. each with the stylish Pirates Lair logo lovingly engraved on the side. Each will guarantee attention from the apposite sex..and occasionally from the same sex. We offer Sexy Silver and anodized Mandingo Black..

5. Pirates Lair is now selling Wunderlich products including their K1200RS Risers So you know what that means!!?? Yes.. we're now selling two different brand risers for your BMW K1200RS.. Besides Wunderlich, we also sell Verholen. brand risers. How do they compare? Design is identical. I'm actually surprised they aren't suing each other... but I digress. The Wunderlich risers measure out to about 50mm, while the Verholens we sell come in 30mm & 65mm lengths.

6. In case you heard the bad news in last months's cheese filled newsletter.. American Machine will no longer be producing their venerable BMW K1200RS/GT Peg Lowering Kits.. We have about a dozen pair left.. Once they are gone.. they'll be no more... If you've been thinking about lowering your pegs, but haven't gotten around to doing it.. Now is not the time to be apathetic.. Just sayin.'

7. We occasionally get requests for a Carbon Fiber Exhaust Hanger from K1200S & K1300S owners.. Now that we have access to the entire Wunderlich product line.. we have access to one. Woohoo! You can find them listed on our K1200S/K1300S Carbon Fiber page here...

8. Legal Speeding just came out with a heavy duty version of their world-renowned Park-N-Move for the BMW K1600GT / GTL and Pirates lair has them. I think the difference between the K16 version and the standard is larger diameter wheels.

9. News for the K1600GT / K1600GTL owners out there. The all new ZTechnik VStream K1600GT / GTL Windshields are now in stock!. There are 2 VStream versions. Both look pretty damn good, me thinks. While creating a comfortable ride for the BMW sport touring rider, ZTechnik introduces QUIET into the equation. To create COMFORT, other manufacturers will offer taller windshields and spoiler tops to lift the air stream. ZTechnik designed a windshield with airflow calculated and adjusted to quiet the rider's environment. In addition, VStream windshields are designed with an unprecedented area of protection and an outstanding level of DURABILITY and OPTICAL CLARITY that is only available through the use of lexan polycarbonate. Can you say QUIET? The standard is $265.US & $275.US for the Tall Version. These shields are interchangeable to both bikes.

10. As per the blurb above.. ZTechnik is looking out for the the new 16's..We just added their carbon fiber tank protector, a gas cap cover, and a rear luggage rack trim application to our K1600GT and K1600GTL menus.You can see the new goodies here.. Pirates Lair.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

K12 / K13 Rally / Event News : 2012

2012 Blue Ridge Parkway I-BMW.com Rally: May 17-20, 2012

Where: Wattstull Inn, just north of Buchanan, Virginia
When: May 17th thru 20th, 2011 (Thur – Sun)

Call Wattstull Inn for reservations.
540-254-1551 / Mention: i-bmw group
SPECIFY ROOM TYPE - single, double, king.. / Rooms are 68 (ish*) per night plus tax (*2011 rates)

Blue Ridge Parkway info and maps can be found here and here

Alternate Lodging (info only) : Super 8 – Bedford or Days Inn – Bedford or Peaks of Otter Lodge


The 13th Annual I-BMW.com Deals Gap Rally: October 4-7th, 2012

Where: Fontana Village Resort
Nearest town: Robbinsville, NC
When: October 4th-7th, 2011 [Thur-Sunday]
Reservations: Direct 800.849.2258

20 lodge rooms w/ 2 queen beds/ns: $85+tax - 6 2br cabins with 1 queen and 2 twin beds/kitchen/ns: $120+tax When calling, specify room or cabin. Lodge rooms are in the Garden units with parking outside the door. Cabins will be either the Laurel or Hemlock cabins. Reservations for blocked out rooms will end 45 days prior. Saavy? Free Pirates Lair tees to all attendees who get speeding tickets. Woohoo!! Be sure to mention i-bmw group when booking.

NOTE: I-bmw.com is not an official sponsor of any posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

Be there!!!


How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

Our last contribution
was from Chris Spence of Macon,Ga .. Woohoo! Check out his safety tip # 160 Thx, bro. Could his tip save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

No new contributions this month.

Picture at right Courtesy of Sports Illustrated photographer Walter Iooss, Jr. / Model: Ms Melissa Haro

Click For Larger Image.. If You Want a Chub..

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Guess that kinda wraps this one up. This will be the last communiqué for 2011. It's been a challenging year for Amber and I (and Pirates' Lair) thanks to the Obama regime, but we persevere. Amber and I appreciate everyone's help, advice, encouragement, and occasional naked pics. Best wishes to you all for a prosperous 2012...

In spite of what the far left ACLU would like us to say, we sincerely hope that you and yours (no matter what bike you ride and/or religion) have a a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Remember if you're gonna drink...stop by here and of course... leave the bike at home... For our secularist customers... Happy Winter Season.

For our US troops and loyal allies serving around the world ....a heartfelt thank you for everything you are doing for us and the world and... Godspeed. Best wishes to you and your families.

Take care.. ride safe...stay warm.. watch out for flying reindeer...see you in the New Year..

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues