Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around the 15th of each month, when I deem you are worthy, we put out our cheesy K12 newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW K12RS/GT/S world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out? If you want to subscribe and have these sent via e-mail to your home or office just let us know at pirate@acelink.net .. otherwise you'll get 95% of it here. Why only 95%? Because I tend to tell the brutal truth as I see it on many issues/products and while I don't mind spewing "my opinion" into your home, office or cell .. I have no desire to slam, insult, or malign any company, individual, competitor in public.. unless they blatantly deserve it.

While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered or meek, amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you look elsewhere for your written info-tainment. So it is written.. so let it be done....

January 2005 Issue : Happy New Year!

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed K12 Riders.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the new year......

The Black Gate begins to open, and on Barad-dûûr, the Eye swings its gaze towards the North. Aragorn and the others see the Orcs marching towards them through the gate. Uncountable numbers of Orcs march toward the Host of the West. The soldiers are starting to lose heart and courage.

Aragorn: Hold your ground! Hold your ground.
The Men stare at him, fear and uncertainty written on their faces. Aragorn rides back and forth in front of them, trying to shore up their courage.

Aragorn: Sons of Gondor! Of Rohan! My brothers. I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of Men fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of wolves and shattered shields when the Age of Men comes crashing down, but it is not this day! A day when the Cheesy Pirates' lair Newsletter does not arrive, but it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good earth, I bid you stand, Men of the West!
The Men draw their swords. Aragorn and the others watch as they are surrounded by Sauron's forces.
Gimli: Never thought I'd die fighting side by side with an elf.
Legolas: What about side by side with a friend?
Gimli: Aye, I could do that.

Aragorn is motionless and stares off at the Eye in the distance. Then with courage and steely resolve he turns to his friends and the army behind him.
Aragorn: For Frodo……

Aragorn: Viggo Mortensen / Legolas: Orlando Bloom / Gimli: John Rhys-Davies The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (2003)

News From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Going Nowhere Fast: Latest on the BMW K1200S
BMW has now confirmed that, "in direct response to early press reports", it will modify the combustion chamber, ignition mapping, injection levels and airbox in order to improve fuel consumption, smooth out the power delivery and prevent the engine from stalling. The company had already announced that production bikes would be fitted with a steering damper not present on machines ridden at the launch.

BMW originally expected the showroom debut to be delayed from September until this month, but the company has now recalled all 900 machines sent to European dealers. None of the £10,000 machines have been delivered to customers, and BMW is returning deposits, or substituting other bikes if required.

It appears the K1200S' were occasionally destroying cam lobes on startup. That means either an oiling problem -or- a metallurgical/heat treat problem. Being that the bike made it thru Beta testing and into production, I suspect the camlobe or rockerpad surface heat treat is the cause. You almost can't blame BMW for their "trusted" supplier's bad batch of parts screw-up. It will be corrected and the re-release date is after March 05.

*********** ***********

*A Request from our friend Vic Salemme @ www. I-BMW.com: 2005/2006 Fund Drive for the #1 K12 Chat Site on Earth
The new year is here!! 2005!!.. and for the first time in a millennia, our good friend Vic Salemme is asking for help in offsetting the costs of running http://www.i-bmw.com/.. the best f@#*in' K12 chat site on earth. Here's your chance to suck it up and step up to the plate to show your support. If you care about I-BMW.com and would like to help.. Click HERE for what's happening with the site, contribution info, and a beautiful woman flashing some superb, pouting, young breasts..(Note from Pirate: The flashing breasts were my idea...for purely artistic reasons, of course.)

What's New In the K1200RS/GT/S World

1. By now, if you aren't aware of www.I-BMW.com you probably don't own a BMW or a computer. Besides it being a cool place to hang out and chat.... it's the #1 source for K12 info in all the galaxy. Just wanted to point out that Vic and the team now have 2 distinct sub-forums for the new K1200S & K1200R bikes. This will quickly become "the" portal for all current details concerning the new & upcoming set of beasts! Yes.... another reason to support the site.

2. If you want to see some good shots of the new R1200RT Click HERE I think it's one beautiful bike.. for a twin.

3. Remus is already working on an exhaust for the new K1200S.

4. Want to fight off the cold this winter...Stupid question... Yes, an electric vest should be in every rider's arsenal of winter fighting weapons, but here's another... Carol Davis Long Underwear. Her webfoot body sock suit is to die for.... Smooth on the outside .. fleece on the inside... Pamper yourself this winter... thank me later.. Tell Carol I sent you... and NO... I don't get kickbacks from them.. not that I'm above that. Met her a while back... a babe. Tell her I sent you.

5. In the last cheesy newsletter I posted the virtues of buying your rubber from Discount Motorcycle Tires as they have always given me first class service AND the best prices around.. Well... Things have gone to hell in a handbasket over there.. Jerry Springer would be apalled. Owners have split.. Stay tuned..

6. If you want to see what BMW and most of the other manufacturers have to offer... check out the 24th Annual Cycle World Motorcycle Show . Dates/places are posted. The question is.. will they have an S bike on display..?. Amber and I will walk among the mortals at the Chicago show on Feb Sat 12th.. Wanna hook up?

7. When the new Passport 8500 X-50 hit the market, the first thing I thought of was sending my 3 year old 8500 in for the FREE UPGRADE that I paid extra for in my original purchase price...I called them first in April 04.. Was told that they were behind and to call back in July.. then Oct.. then Dec.. I called them this week and was told that it's looking like spring now before they start honoring the upgrade agreements.. What the f$@*?... Glad I wasn't in need of the Heimlich maneuver.. I'd be a rotting corpse by now.. If you have an 8500 (with or without the upgrade plan) you can call them for yourself and complain about the wait for the upgrade at 1.888.837.2678

8. I have been raving about the Pirelli Diablo series tires since I tried them a year ago.. Now I have them on both my bikes with ZERO plans to buy anything else.. Simply the finest tires I have ever used... but for those seeking more mileage, we just got word that Pirelli will soon be offering a new Sport Touring Tire called the Diablo Strada. It's designed specifically for the BMW K1200RS/GT, FJ 1300 Yamaha, ST1300 Honda, and a few other heavier sport touring bikes. Look for them in the showrooms in March 2005. For info check out http://www.us.pirellimoto.com/

9. Do you subscribe to Sammy Hagar's philosophy about what speeds you can or can not drive/ride? Trying to go legit? The Sportbike Tracktime 2005 Schedule is now posted! I'll be at the Barber track in late March... The good part is..every Sportbike Tracktime event is considered a school ... wink wink.. nudge nudge...so if you crash .. your insurance will cover it If anyone would like to read my report from the Dec Newsletter of my first track day...Click Here and if that doesn't work.. Click Here You'll laugh.. you'll cry..

10. Can't get enough LED's on ass? Me neither. Check these out from British company..Nippy Normans LED Indicator Panels that fit inside your rear KRS/GT factory blinker housing. Looks very cool to me.. If somebody tries them.. let me know what you think. Listed as 52.99 British lbs = $100US May just keep everyone except your proctologist from running up your backside..Check out the rest of their goodies at http://www.nippynormans.com/ including a Clear Tail Light Housing. Thanks for the tip, JC

11. but as Paul Harvey would say.. "and now.. the rrrrest of the story..." after further investigation, Sauron's forces have determined that while the KRS/GT Clear Tail Light Housing is being advertised all over Europe.. they are sourced from Clear Alternatives right here in the good ol' USA FYI.. We have contacted them and OK'd a deal..and as per the prophecy... Pirates' Lair should have them on the menu in about a week or so. There should be two versions.. with LED's and without. Stay tuned..

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. Price of the Suburban GT Barbacks just went up by $10 to $150... FYI...

2. The BRAKE LED Light Kit's are finally In Stock!! IMHO.. it's simply the best tail light kit on the market! Trying to determine if they are compatible with the previously mentioned new Clear Taillight Housings. We should know any day. While I'm not a huge fan of LED's in general.. the kit has won me over. It's visually stunning, easy to install, and is as clean as it gets. I'd guess that it's about 300% brighter than stock. The LED kit essentially replaces your prehistoric rear tail light bulb with a circuit board filled with ultra-bright LED's.. The LED's burn RED. The install took me all of 15 minutes and the only tool needed was a freakin' screwdriver.

3. While Staintune sets the retail prices for the handful of US distributors and by verbal agreement we stick by them.. Pirates' Lair will match any posted price of any Staintune system. If that isn't incentive enough to waste...er... invest your hard earned doubloons with us,... for a limited time only ..you or your handlers will receive a FREE Pirates' Lair Hat with every K12RS/GT exhaust system sold. Remus,Two Brothers, ZTechnik, and yes.. Staintune. I should note that these hats are babe magnets so if your personality and/or expensive toys aren't effective bait for the opposite s#x.. these hats should do the trick..... Guaranteed to get you laid more often. Note: The guarantee doesn't apply to married customers. We have the entire Staintune product line at www.piratesk12site.net/Staintuneall.htm

4. Amber seems to finally have enough pics for an upcoming K12RS/GT CALENDER...Thanks to all for your selfless contributions.. Will take a few months to get it done, but trust me.. it will be worth the wait. If your bike appears in the calender.. you'll get a free calender and Pirates' lair hat..and possibly something else depending on how gracious I am on that particular day.

5. Our R1200GS Stealth Backrest is in the final stage before production.. We have a handful of prototypes in the field....

6. We have tentatively decided on our next backrest project... Looking at the 2005 R1200RT. You heard it here first you scurby mates.

7. I posted recently that very soon we'll have a few more of those gorgeous Pirates' Lair Custom Torque Arm's on hand. About a year ago, a friend of a friend produced about 2 dozen of the most beautiful torque arms we have ever seen. They sold out instantly and we were told that no more would be produced. A few weeks ago, the machinist called and said and he'd produce a few more if I was interested. Hell yea! This will be a limited production run with a delivery date sometime in late January/Early Feb. Fits all model year K1200RS's and GT's.. For more pics or to be put on an e-mail notification list just e-mail me. Note: I am NOT starting a waiting list as it's a major pain in the ass.. and I will NOT accept pre-payment. Everyone on our list will be notified at exactly the same time... If you missed out last time.. here's your chance to redeem yourself....The question is.. Do you feel lucky? Well do ya, punk?

Rally News/Info: Down The Road: 2005

The 2005 Hill Country Rally! Word from fellow K12'er, Sir Barry Gibbs.. former personal chef for Viktor Yushchenko.

"To help accommodate an overbooking by Inn of the Hills, I have agreed to change our date from April 7-10 to April 14-17. By agreeing to this change, the hotel has offered to reduce our room rate by $10 per room to $72 for the standard room. They were not forcing us to change, only asking that we help them out. I did not receive any negative comments from potential attendees, so I agreed.
When you reserve your room, tell the you are attending the Rally and that we have a special room rate. If you have any problems, ask for Eric in Sales at 800-292-5690"

The BRPR 2005 is Set !!!! (info provided by the inestimable Tim Hudspeth.. a.k.a CBNFVR)
Where: Peaks of Otter 1-800-542-5927 Blue Ridge Parkway, mile post 86
When: May 12-15 (Thur-Sun) First night deposit required ($94.17, 2004 rates, No change expected for 2005.)
We have all 63 rooms (62 now) held until April 1st, 2005. After April 1st, all non-reserved rooms go public. Mention BMW Motorcycle Group to reserve your room. Other lodging available in Bedford, Va: Super 8 and /or Days Inn

Italy, May 2005 The German K12 Chat site at http://www.k1200rs.de/events/meeting-11/index.htm is having a K12 Rally in Northern Italy next year, May 26-29 2005, in San Damiano near Piacenza and just south of Milan.

2005 Ride to Read Rally (from fellow K12'er Jerome Eberharter / Founder, CEO White Cloud Coffee & self proclaimed Coffee Adventurer)

"A quick note to let you know the 2005 Ride to Read rally here in Boise will be on June 11. We had an excellent turn out and ride this year. People can see more at: http://www.whitecloudcoffee.com/r2r/index.php "
Thanks & All the Best! Jerome

Summer Solstice Rally, Northeast (from the quasi-esteemed Mike Cousino at www.I-BMW.com)
Okay the place and date is set for Camp Meade on Friday and Saturday, June 10th and 11th, 2005. They have twenty rooms. Some are their own cottages. Some are double, with two separate rooms to one cottage. Each room/cottage has their own bath. There are no cots so don't ask to put extra people in a room. I would ask the the single riders pair up and share a room/cottage with another person as space is limited.
Prices are:
Dbl = $63, there are eleven of these
2- Dbls = $73, there are eight of these
For reservations or additional information telephone:
Camp Meade @ (802) 223-5537 / Refer to BMW group

The 6th Annual Deals Gap K12 Rally ...will again be held at the Tapoco Lodge in 2005, Sept 29th-Oct 1st to be precise. It won't hold us all, so make plans now! No sign-up sheet yet. Just reserve a room and be there! Most of us from this year already have a room, so it's not too soon to plan.
(info provided by the quasi-esteemed moto-god...Tim Hudspeth.. a.k.a CBNFVR) Glad to know that besides Bill O'Reilly.. someone else is looking out for us.. Thanks Tim.


Latest To Our K12 How To Section
With some special effects provided by our man about town, Rodney Harvey, I just added my own How to Install the Brake! LED Taillight™ Kit

How To Survive on a Motorcycle
Our last contribution was from the quasi-esteemed Richard Craig .. Check it out ... #76 Will this tip save your life? Alter your destiny? Check it out and see.....

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and I'll add it on.. Remember.. we're all in this together.. so shave your legs.

Guess that kinda wraps this one up. Ride safe and best wishes for a prosperous 2005!.... Until we meet again....

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues