Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around the 1st or 15th of each month, when I deem you are worthy, we put out our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW K12RS/GT/S/R world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out? If you want to subscribe and have these sent via e-mail to your home or office just let us know at pirate@acelink.net .. otherwise you'll get 95% of it here. Why only 95%? Because I tend to tell the brutal truth as I see it on many issues/products and while I don't mind spewing "my opinion" into your home, office or cell, I have no desire to slam, insult, or malign any company, individual, competitor in public.. unless they blatantly deserve it.

While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered or meek, amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you look elsewhere for your written info-tainment. So it is written.. so let it be done....

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: May 2007 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the day.....

There is a general whoop and hubbub as Little Bill turns back to his conversation at the bar with Charley, Fatty, Clyde, Andy and WW Beauchamp. He's giving orders and making plans as to how they'll divide up into 4 parties an' hit all the farms an' trails in a circle. Little Bill is suddenly conscious of his own loud voice in a sudden silence that has swept the bar like a brush-fire and turning he sees what everybody is staring at Munny, with his ten-gauge shotgun leveled from the shoulder, is standing thirty feet away in the doorway. Taking a couple of sideways steps to get the door from behind his back and sweeping the twin barrels in an ominous arc, he surveys the scene

Will Munny: Who's the fellow owns this shithole? [pause]
Will Munny: You, fat man. Speak up.
Skinny Dubois: Uh, I... I own this establishment. I bought the place from Greeley for a thousand dollars.
Will levels the shotgun, and speaks to someone standing behind Skinny
Will Munny: You better clear outta there.
Man: Yes, sir. [scampers out of the way]
Skinny looks from side to side as people step away from him and he wants to say something desperately, he wants to live, he wants...
Little Bill: Just hold it right there. Hold it...!
BAH-WHOOM! Munny fires and smoke belches. .Skinny is blown back against the wall and falls to the floor a bloody mess. Little Bill is reaching for the Spencer which is leaning against the bar near his leg but he freezes. Munny has turned the shotgun on him. Munny sees Ned's Spencer there and his eyes show how he feels about it. For a moment while the smoke clears the bar is silent and there are nervous glances cast at the bloody body of Skinny but Little Bill keeps his eyes on Munny. Screaming, the women scatter upstairs.
Little Bill: Well, sir, you are a cowardly son of a bitch! You just shot an unarmed man!
Will Munny: Well, he should have armed himself if he's going to decorate his saloon with my friend.
Little Bill: You'd be William Munny out of Missouri. Killer of women and children and reader of the Cheesy Pirates Lair Newsletter.
Will Munny: That's right. I've killed women and children and read that cheesy newsletter. I've killed just about everything that walks or crawled at one time or another. And I'm here to kill you, Little Bill,... for what you did to Ned.

William "Bill" Munny .. Clint Eastwood / Little Bill Daggett.. Gene Hackman .... The Unforgiven 1992

News From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Banned For Life from the Yamaha R1 Chat Site: Fffffffffffffffff

I consider myself a nice guy. Most people like me..even my ex-wives.. Some get my warped since of humor.. some don't, but that's OK. For the most part I get along with just about everyone. As I work for myself and biz is usually good, I don't get out much so social interaction is usually limited to weekend rides, yearly rallies, and of course... internet chat sites. I happen to be a member of a dozen sites with my favorite being www.I-BMW.com and for the most part, I enjoy the keyboard interaction and cyber word play. Have never had any "incidents" at any of the chats sites I visit.... that is until a couple of weeks ago when I was BANNED FOR LIFE by the Yamaha R1 guys over at www.R1-forum.com/

Yes.. banned for life!! No.. I'm not kidding? Geezz.. it's so surrealistic it's almost funny. I'm not sure where to begin so I'll kinda summarize. I bought a Yamaha R1 a few weeks ago.. my first Japanese bike purchase in centuries to use on track days. I'd been lurking on the aforementioned R1 chat site for weeks prior to my purchase.. learning.. growing.. gathering knowledge. The day I brought the bike home I signed up as a member and all was going just peachy....until...

The first thing you realize at the R1-Forum is that the demographics are waaaay different than what we're used to at I.BMW or any other BMW site. The average age of their site patron seems to be about 20 so going in you can't expect any posts debating Spinoza and Schopenhauer or for that matter, even daily social or political discussions. Basically you can't expect any interest in subjects other than tits, ass, and motorcycles..not that there's anything wrong with that. Hell.. at 51 those are still some of my favorite subjects. Most site member avatars are of firm pouting and/or bouncing young breasts and/or firmalicious (a technical term) young female ass, which is kinda cool in a refreshing, un-PC kinda way and after all.. when you're male and in just out of your teens.. what else matters? I vaguely recall those days though a pot/hashish/Thai stick smoke haze with testicular fondness.

The problem began when the soft hearted SOB that I am decided to offer the R1 site members a one-time discount on some Two Bros slip-on pipes for their bikes. Kind of a waaay of saying.. "Hey.. I'd like to wield my powers for good.. If I may be so bold.. witness my one yearly selfless gesture" with my clandestine message being..."I'm old but.. can I play with you guys." I went out of my way to iron out some numbers with our TB distributor and posted a deal of $100 off retail in the vendor/group buy section.. Within 10 minutes of the post some mental microbe comes on slamming me stating that he could buy them cheaper on Amazon.com.

The nerve of this guy! I verbally pummeled the intellectually unarmed plebe in a back and forth scuffle for 2 days until the fun wore off at which time I asked the moderators to just remove the post or ban this belligerent moron. At about the same time another site member posts asking me if I knew that you can't offer site member discounts unless you are a paid site sponsor.. ?? Really? I checked the small print and sure enough the guy was right so within 2 minutes of finding out I emailed the section moderator and for a second time asked if he'd remove the post. I profusely apologized in my email request and told them I'd never do it again, that I was just ignorant of the site rules and meant no harm. I never got a response from the moderator, but 3 days later they banished ME for a week. O, well..a week comes and goes and I'm back on with the wind in my fingers and a smile on my gulliver... posting with gleeful abandon. All is right with the world until a few days later just after I had sold a couple of things in their classified section which I had laying around in the shop. I had an extra pair of R1 brake lines that I didn't need so I sold them at dealer cost.. (actually lost money) and something else which slips my mind which I sold for cost..

Just after I sold the aforementioned items, I noticed I couldn't access the classified section any more. Huh?? I asked the moderator and he informed me I was banned because I was a vendor. I explained to Beavis that yes.. I am a vendor but I don't sell Yamaha accessories nor would I ever.. I'm just a R1 rider like everyone else hanging out and enjoying the avatars. I calmly explained that we deal exclusively in BMW and MV Agusta accessories and that I was no threat to their site sponsors. He brought up the Two Bros offer, which I calmly explained was my bad.. apologized again for the site faux paux and then the conversation went straight into the crapper. Apparently I had pissed off both him, his family, the site paid sponsor(s), and a Shaolin temple. He blatantly questioned my motives inferring that all I wanted to do was worm in and make money off their site members!! He actually called me a liar!! This I get for trying to do a good deed. Krikey. No matter how logically I tried to defend myself he just got madder and more illogical as if I was evil incarnate and had just eaten his 16 year old girlfriend's liver with some fava beans and a glass of fine Chianti. Before I could make my case..he cut me off... banning me with the expiration date reading.. NEVER. Not a week.. not a month.. I could be wrong but I think this violates the Geneva Convention.

Of course, you are probably asking yourself why on earth would I think any of my quasi-loyal cheesy newsletter readers would give a rat's ass about this weepy story? Well.. I got to thinking about how nice.. no.. how wonderful it is to have a member-funded site like www.I-BMW.com to come home to. A place to hang out with like minded quasi-intelligent adults, to exchange ideas, learn things, sell things, buy things, and ultimately have uninhibited fun with virtually none of the Orwellian restraints that the R1 forum imposes on it's youthful (and apparently clueless) members. I honestly believe that most of their members don't realize what kind of a stranglehold their corporate sponsors have on the site and it's content. Unlike us old guys.. they probably don't test the limits of thoughts and ideas during their daily on-line repartee. They are young... they have fast bikes.. they are having fun.

Thanks to the efforts of Vic and his posse at I-BMW.com, we have the freedom to "be" without a financial "Sauron" looking down on us with his all seeing eye.. analyzing and questioning every member's motives wondering.. "Will this unsavory individual be a threat to our corporate bottom line?"

For the most part, www.R1-forum.com/ is a massive, well run, slick looking website with a whole lot of good kids hanging out there. The site sponsors have some great products and as far as I can tell, customer service to rival our own. I'm still spending my hard earned doubloons with them so this rant is nothing against them per se. I think the problem I encountered lies with the "post-pubescent" moderators (at least I hope they are due to the negative IQ quotient) who are simply reveling in their own self-perceived magnificence. They would rather go down in flames than have someone question them. Or perhaps the individuals I had my run-ins with were just having a bad day.. Perhaps they had run out of Clearasil or misplaced their Gameboy controller or were simply late to their managerial job at Dominos... I'll not speculate, but I can honestly say that if you have an R1 or are thinking about buying one.. the R1 forum is the place to find answers to virtually any question you might have about these bikes.. and some waaay cool avatars. Just don't go looking for deep and/or thought provoking conversation. As for www.I-BMW.com.. Thx for being there for us, Vic. I love you man. PS.. I just made my yearly support donation.

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2006 Yamaha R1 vs 2006 BMW K1200S... Lets Get Reeeeady to Rrrrrumble..

This article is in response to a few sick requests I've had to post a comparison between my new 2006 Yamaha R1 and my 2006 BMW K1200S. In my personal opinion, a comparison between these two bikes is kinda stupid as one is a pure "sport" bike.... the other is a "sport-touring" bike, but as there are a few similarities.. sure .. why not? I'll give it my best shot. In the article, I've listed all the categories that I think are worth mentioning with a brief overview explaining my rationale then list my own quasi-godlike opinion as to the winner in each category.

Just a few weeks ago I purchased a 2006 Special 50th Anniversary Edition Yamaha R1.. my first Japanese bike purchase in eons. I actually chose the 06 model over the newer, faster 2007 model for a variety of reasons. The 2007, while more powerful, is not as attractive, has a choice of painfully boring paint, has more track-oriented (read: torturous) ergos, and the seat height is almost a full 1" taller than the rider-friendly 06. All the 2007 changes added up to a bike that I didn't want. As fate would have it, I fell in love with the Limited Edition 50th Anniversary paint/graphics as soon as I saw it..... For the Full Story.. Click Here..

Read The Full Article By Clicking Here..

What's New In the K1200RS/GT/S/R No-Spin Zone

I should note that as the RS and first generation GT has been discontinued, I receive less and less news of any new products for them.. I mention this as a few semi-loyal subscribers have accused me of abandoning our roots.. Not true.. I only report what's going on.. Don't shoot the messenger.. I will NEVER abandon the K1200RS crowd. It appears that the times.. they are a changin.' Deal with it. Also.. a special thx to www.I-BMW.com, www.K-Bikes.com , and www.BMWK1200S.com for the information & pictures I regularly pilfer from these chat sites..

1. You can buy a billet gas cap for virtually any sport bike out there.. I have one on both my Yamaha and MV.. but as far as I know, nobody makes one for BMWs. I wonder why? Whatever.. That's about to change. I spoke to one of our suppliers in the UK a couple of weeks ago and he's going to produce one for our beloved bikes. They are working on them as we speak. It'll look like this... pic at right. Is that beeeautiful or what?? Click Here for a Larger Image. I'll get first shot at them and I've already placed a pre-order for a quantity. I think price will be about $85... Stay tuned..I'm pretty sure these will fit the K1200S, K1200R, K1200R Sport, K1200RS, early K1200GT and probably a few more BMW's..

2. Need to purchase and re-key a lock on your BMW? It's not that difficult.The instructions and pictures found at the following link will help anyone get through this and other rekeying efforts. www.ebbo.org/re_keying.php

3. We just got word from Legal Speeding.com that their H.A.R.D. version that fits the Passport 8500 or 8500 X-50 also works with the all-new top of the line Passport 9500i. Reviews claim the 9500i is the best radar detector on the market. In case you've been living on Pluto, which is NOT a planet any more, BTW...the HARD delivers a radar detector alert via a flashing RED light inside your helmet..no wires, no blaring speakers. As there are no wires, the 5 minute install is about as easy as it gets. The transmitter plugs directly into the power port of your detector. I have these on all my bikes and always ride with a HARD on... Hooowaaa.

4. We just got word from ZTechnik that their K1200S/K1200R Performance Slip-On Exhaust Systems will fit the 2006+ K1200GT. Their Titanium Z4030 Ti Slip-On's produce a solid boost in torque and a little extra horsepower with significantly reduced weight. No mods necessary. No BMW warranty issues. Chimp-easy install. A removable dB killer silencer is included in the kit so you can choose the sound you like... sedate.. or serious.

5. If you find the factory paint scheme on your 2006+ K1200GT to be as boring as Yanni like the rest of the planet..you might consider this option..or not. AutoTrimDesign offers a full K1200GT Graphics Kit that is guaranteed to liven things up a bit. Buy as a kit.. or in pieces.. No idea about the kit prices but here's the breakdown of what they offer..

6. Pinch me, I must be dreaming.... Just when I thought I'd seen everything in the way of motorcycle accessories... the Germans have just upped the "you're f#@*ing kidding me" ante once again. Check out the K1200S Hydraulically Adjustable Foot Pegs from Verholen of Germany. Yes... footpegs that raise and lower by the push of a button...Price looks to be a sphincter tightening $1645.57US. Their website shows the pegs all the way up and all the way down... The full up position looks like factory stock height and they go down from there so you rearset kinda guys (like me) need not bother.. Looks like they'll be available later this year. At least somebody is thinking out of the box.

7. Thinking about buying a motorcycle and you want to read all the reviews before you throw down your drachma? or you've just bought a K1200RS and even though it's out of production you'd still like to read what the motorcycle magazines had to say about it? Most don't know about Motorcycle Reports which has the largest Motorcycle Magazine Article Database in the World with a claimed access to over 25,000 articles! Choose your bike, pay your money, and they'll send you a book with every article they could find for your bike. For instance.. I checked and their BMW K1200RS. Motorcycle Report has 12 articles and is 53 pages.. The BMW K1200LT report has 119 pages!! There reports show specs, comparisons, etc.. Valuable information for any serious moto-phile. Cost for the RS report?...A paltry $21.

8. I just got this discouraging word from my good friend Klaus at Run-N-Lites / Wilbers, USA. As of 4/19 he is no longer the importer of Wilbers Shocks! This is a serious blow to the BMW community. What happened you may be asking? I'll make the long weepy story short and chimp-like comprehensible. Apparently the suits in Germany gave Klaus an ultimatum.. drop some other products that he sells and deal exclusively with Wilbers or they would stop selling to him. He told them he would not comply. Bottom line.. He told them he doesn't appreciate them dictating his product line. Way to go Klaus. The good news? He's talking with the tech guys at HyperPro and last I heard, he was close to sealing a deal to provide that brand shock for all the needy BMW owners in the USA...

9. If you want to be fully prepared when you're on the road you might want to carry a Medical Kit.. and NOT those cheesy kits you'd buy at Walmart or Toys-R-Us.. If you get serious about such things you might want to check out Adventure Medical Kits and their Sportsman Field/Trauma kit The life you save while out on the road may be mine.

10. According to ZTechnik, their new K1200GT VStream Windshield revolutionizes windscreen performance. While creating a comfortable ride for the BMW sport touring rider, ZTechnik introduces QUIET into the equation. To create COMFORT, other manufacturers will offer taller windshields and spoiler tops to lift the air stream. ZTechnik designed, for the first time ever, a windshield with airflow calculated and adjusted to quiet the rider's environment. In addition, according to their own verbiage, the VStream windshield is designed with an unprecedented area of protection and an outstanding level of DURABILITY and OPTICAL CLARITY that is only available through the use of Quantum™ coated Lexan® polycarbonate. Sounds good to me. Not sure if these are on the market yet, but it sure sounds sweet.. Look for them soon at your local dealer AND of course.. at Pirates Lair..

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. One thing we have never sold at Pirates Lair is a full or midsize tank bag. Well.. those days are over. We just received our first shipment of sweetest looking German tankbags I've ever seen.The Bags-Connection "Engage" Quick-Lock Tankbag is designed to fit the K1200RS, K1200GT, K1200S, K1200R, and R Sport. It comes with a quick-release gas-cap mounting system.. no straps.. no magnets.. no adhesive panty strips..

The Engage tankbag itself never even touches your gas tank due to the gas cap mounting system, but instead hovers over it with about 1/4" clearance so there's no worries about scratching your paint. Rain cover is included and we offer an optional snap-on map pocket. Trust me.. this bag is cooler than freon.. and most of you know that I HATE tank bags.. I deem this one worthy..

Click Here for the K1200R Sport Section.. If You Dare!

2. As mentioned above, we just got word from ZTechnik that their K1200S/K1200R Performance Slip-On Exhaust Systems will fit the 2006+ K1200GT and we have them... Click Here..

3. Heads up! Price Increase on the Motorcycle Cruise from Australia as of 4/16/07. I just raised the price of our K1200RS cruise controls from $545 to $580.US for the early kits and from $555-$590 for the late model kits. This is partly due to the strength of the Aussie dollar and party due to the increased cost of shipping...

4. Amber and I have pretty much decided that we're going to throw a K12 Party during the 2007 RA International Rally which is being held here in Asheville, NC on June 7th-10th, 2007. For now all I can say for sure is that it'll be FREE with FREE food... burgers, hot dogs, badger, etc... to anyone with a K12 and ..er.. lessor motorcycles.... Details to come..

5. As of 4/19 we no longer carry Wilbers Shocks! (see blurb in first section for the ugly details.)

6. I have changed our Two Brothers Racing Exhaust page for the K1200RS and 1st generation GT to now offer the new M-2 style canisters.. The ONLY difference between the new M-2 series over the previous C-2, C-4, and C-5 series that we've been selling for eons is the end cap. With the new M-2 and M-5's you have the option of a silencer which slides into the rear... Oh.. I like the sound of that!

7. Carbon Fiber parts are slowly becoming available for the 2006+ K1200GT's...So far.. All from ZTechnik. We just uploaded a new page for you GT guys with everything we sell for the new GT including a new Rear Rack Cover and Gauge Cover.. Don't say I never did anything for you.. Check it out Here..

8. FYI.. we just added the Scotts Steering Damper Kit to our MV Agusta section. This is a plug-n-play kit for the MV Brutale ONLY.. all models.. all years.. It will NOT work on the F4.. Price is $550 and that includes drop-shipping from our supplier..

* Single large diameter bearing instead of 2 or more smaller diameter rod ends.
* Less bearing wear and lowest hysteresis. (no freakin' idea what that is!)
* High and low speed dampening adjustment.
* 5-minute installation.
* Aerospace quality materials and coatings used exclusively.

9. While the 06+ K1200GT headlight is a thing of beauty, can you imagine what it would cost to replace one? Be afraid! Call any dealer and you'll be quoted a criminally insane $474 and that doesn't include foreplay.. Ouch!! As usual.. who's got your back? FYI..we should have our first shipment of the A.M.H.P K1200GT Headlight Covers in a week or so. Hedge your bets against the randomness of nature with these Australian made aircraft quality grade acrylic covers. Designed to withstand the impact of most road debris without shattering AND allows most nicks and scratches to be wiped out. They install easily and securely with the 3M Dual-Lok fasteners. Easy on/off for cleaning. Protect yourself.. or not.. The question is.. "Do you feel lucky? Well.. do ya punk?"

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

Rally News/Info: Down The Road: 2007

Blue Ridge Parkway K12 Rally 2007: May 17th - 20th, 2007 (Contributed by our good buddy, Sir Tim Hudspeth aka CBNFVR over at www.I-BMW.com )

Where: Peaks of Otter Lodge, Blue Ridge Pkwy mp 86, Virginia
When: May 17th thru 20th, 2007 (Thur – Sun)
This is the weekend after Mother's Day, before Memorial Day, and well after the Georgia Mtn Rally.
Call Peaks of Otter Lodge for reservations @ 1.540.586.1081 • 1.800.542.5927 • Fax 1.540.586.4420
Note: Specify one bed or two. !! Blue Ridge Parkway info and maps can be found here and here

Don’t know what BRPR is? It is us. Real people, riding, laughing, and promoting all sorts of debauchery for three days. Rain or shine. If you don’t have a good time,.sell the bike. FYI.. I'm already booked!

Alternate Lodging (info only) :
Super 8 – Bedford
Days Inn – Bedford

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35th Annual BMW RA International Rally: June 7th-10th, 2007

We just got the official word.. The 2007 RA International Rally will be held here in Asheville, North Carolina on June 7-10th. The location is set for the Biltmore Estate .

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2007 Deals Gap K12 Rally: Sept 27-29 (Contributed by our good buddy, Sir Tim Hudspeth aka CBNFVR over at www.I-BMW.com )

Tapoco Lodge at Deal's Gap again for 2007, Sept 27th - 29th. It won't hold us all, so make plans now! Amber and I are already booked!!
No sign-up sheet . Just reserve a room and be there! If you were there this year and didn't sign up for 2007, call Tapoco NOW before someone else gets your room. Most of us from this year already have a room reserved, so it's not too soon to plan.

Friday noon meal (at 1:00pm) will be at the Troll Restaurant in Helen, Ga (under the bridge)
Saturday noon meal (at 1;00 pm) will be at the Bistro, Telico Plains, Tennessee (western end of the Cherohala)

As usual, Fri and Sat evening will consist of tall tales, video worthy of Americas Most Wan.. er Funniest, and food in the Lodge. No set times.

Alternate Lodging in Robbinsville, NC. Microtel Motel.
Closest dealer (err, one in Knoxville yet?) Touring Sport BMW Greenville, SC

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How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have quite a windfall of contributions this month.Woohoo!! Check out # 118 contributed by man about town Bill Whit of scenic Ontario, Canada!!! and #'s 119, 120, and 121 contributed by Sir Brian Mehosky of scenic Cleveland, Ohio. and that's not all ffffolks... Check out #'s 122, 123, & 124 contributed by sad old git, Anthony Collin from the UK and if you can squeeze one more bit of valuable knowledge into that head of yours... #125 contributed by Sir Matt Pinto of Sparta, NJ and #126 contributed by Link Shadleyold Army Corpsman and revived biker. Thx guys!!

Could these tips save your life? Dare you NOT look?

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive on your Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.. Remember.. we're all in this together.. so use deodorant.

BMW How-To Section

Nothing new this month..

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