Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around the 1st or 15th of each month, when I deem you are worthy, we put out our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

If you want to subscribe and have these sent via e-mail to your home or office just let us know at pirate@acelink.net .. otherwise you'll get 95% of it here. Why only 95%? Because I tend to tell the brutal truth as I see it on many issues/products and while I don't mind spewing "my opinion" into your home, office or cell, I have no desire to slam, insult, or malign any company, individual, competitor in public.. unless they blatantly deserve it.

While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment. So it is written.. so let it be done....

Prepare to be boarded!

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: January / February 2012 Issue : Happy New Year!

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the month.....

The horn of Gondor sounds. Seconds later Boromir jerks backwards at the blow from the first arrow. He falls before a solemn statue as the sunlight streams by. He begins to breathe hard. Uruks come closer, and Boromir gives a battle cry, rises, and swings his sword at one, who falls. The Uruk-hai chieftain growls and walks further down the slope. He lifts his bow, and shoots again, as Boromir turns to look at him. A black arrow flies into Boromir’s stomach. He drops to his knees again, gasping. Merry and Pippin still stand in shock, rocks in hand. Boromir stares into their eyes, but against death, they can do nothing. Summoning his will to fight for them, the warrior swings his sword at another Uruk and gets back up. The captain shoots him one more time, in the chest. Boromir falls on his knees and stays there, swaying a little and blinking. The ox-horn is cloven in two. Aragorn appears, dispatches the Uruk chieftain, then runs to his dying friend's side.

Boromir: They took the little ones.
Aragorn: Be still.
Boromir: Frodo! Where is Frodo?
Aragorn: I let Frodo go.
Boromir: Then you did what I could not. I tried to take the Cheesy Pirates Lair Newsletter  from him.
Aragorn: It is beyond our reach now.
Boromir: Forgive me. I did not see it. I have failed you all.
Aragorn: No, Boromir, you fought bravely! You have kept your honor. He reaches out to pull the arrows from Boromir.
Boromir: Leave it! It is over. The world of men will fall, and all will come to darkness and my city to ruin.
Aragorn: I do not know what strength is in my blood, but I swear to you I will not let the White City fall nor our people fail!
Boromir: Our people? Our people.
He reaches for his sword. Aragorn places the hilt in his hand, and helps Boromir clasp it to his chest.
Boromir: I would have followed you my Brother..my Captain..My King!
Boromir passes away. Aragorn touches his hand to his forehead, then to his lips in respect.
Aragorn: Be at peace, son of Gondor.

Boromir .. Sean Bean  ...   /  Aragorn ..Viggo Mortensen ...   / The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Picture Of The Month! Majesty of the Grand Tetons! (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our January/Feb POTM was contributed by .. Sam Halren ..of Eden Prairie, MN. He says of the shot... "Attached is the photo of my K1200GT. The shot of the Tetons was taken with my iPhone since we forgot to bring the camera battery charger along. Our good camera died 2 days into a 9 day trip. We were leaving Jackson, Wyoming early in the morning of Aug19 going north on US89. It was a beautiful morning, high popcorn clouds, temperature in the high 40’s. The group (10 bikes, 15 people) wasn’t showing any signs of stopping for the obvious photo op, so we (wife & I) pulled off into a turn out to take the snapshot. There wasn’t anyone else there, either. If the weather is right, Grand Teton catches the morning light, looking much closer than it really is. Completely lucking out on the weather, we never even considered donning our rain gear on the whole trip."

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of a BMW K1200S, K1300S, K1200RS, K1200R, R Sport, S1000RR, K1600GT, or any model year K1200GT or K1300GT and B. In focus.

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Long Distance Rider: Amber's Dream Realized!

As most of you know, Pirates Lair is a 2 person operation.. We had 2 part-time employees before Obamanomics put us in the economic ditch, but hope to rehire them after the next elections. For now.. it's just the two of us. Basically.. I do all the heavy lifting and design work.. Amber is the pretty face and brains of the operation ..i.e. accounting, customer service, making the owner feel relevant, and shipping. I'm mentioning this as for the next 4-5 weeks, Amber will be on the road and yours truly will be attempting to handle her job and mine. This is the slowest time of the year for us (and other MC related vendors) so hopefully I can handle it without causing our quasi-esteemed customers too much discomfort.

About 7 months ago Amber and I were discussing life and the subject of our "bucket lists" came up. We have 2 relatives with stage 4 cancer and we were theorizing what we'd do if we were in their situation. Amber mentioned that she'd always wanted to do a long distance horseback ride. FYI.. she's into horses like I am into bikes. She has 2 (a Gypsy Vanner and Saddlebred) and they are her life.  Anyway.. without thinking things through (not the first time, btw)..the following words flew out of my mouth faster than a Newt Gingrich quip.. "Why don't you take a month off from work and just do it... I'll look after the biz... If not now.. when?" She didn't say anything at that comment, but I could see the inner wheels turning. Two months later she cornered me and asked if I was serious... At this point.. could I, as a supportive husband, her best friend, and soul mate, say no??  Note to future self: Think before you speak, you dumb ass.

With my apparent blessing, for the last few months Amber has been planning a 400 mile horseback ride from Asheville to Nashville, Tn.  Every detail has been planned and scrutinized like a military operation. Food intake (both for her and the horses), logistics, weather, safety, visibility, navigation, communication, stops, ordinance issues, even weapons training for worse case scenario...etc, etc.. Professional horseback travelers were consulted. Law enforcement agencies have been notified all along the route as she'll be on main highways.  It has been impressive to watch someone so focused on a task and I could ask for no more.

Follow her blog here..
She'll be camping the entire way and going days between showers. She's no diva like her husband. She'll be riding solo on one horse and the other carrying all the gear. IMHO as a non-horse person...it's a dangerous endeavor at the least... however.. who am I to stifle her dream even if I think she could be killed or crippled in the undertaking?  I've made my concerns known and she's acknowledged them and addressed my fears as best she could.

She left on Jan 7th with a huge smile on her face.  If anyone wants to follow her journey or wish her well, she's blogging about it here.. http://ambernavarresweetpea.blogspot.com/  or you can send encouragement and/or good wishes via her Facebook page ..

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2012 BMW S1000RR! What Would Jesus Ride?

Yea yea.. we all know that the baddest motorcycle in the milky way galaxy is the BMW S1000RR. Every review says so so it must be true. If Jesus rode a bike... it would probably be the RR. So how does BMW improve on that?? If you've been wondering what 2012 modifications have been bestowed to the uber bike.. wonder no further.

- only 2 curves for throttle control (one for rain, one for the other modes)
- 163 hp in rain mode
- modified airbox with larger intake
- throttle with "short" actuation, spring with lower rate
- catalyser now within the primary silencer
- optimized throttle cutoff in slick mode
- chain now with 45 instead of 44 sprockets
- Link bracket has been put 4 mm higher
- wheel base minus 9.3 mm
- steering head angle minus 0.1 mm
- off-carriage- plus 2.6 mm
- offset minus 2.5 mm
- fork overlap- minus 5 mm
- mechanical steering damper with 10 steps
- 3 instead of 2 curves for power and torque (rain, sport, race/slick)
- optimized wheelie detection
- sphincter pressure warning light on dash
- dimmable instruments
- new functions: "best lap in progress" and "speed warning"
- heated grips
- longer lasting erections
- new colors

Jesus road testing the 2012 S1000RR

What's New In the K12 / K13 / K16 / S1000RR No-Spin Zone

I should note that as the K1200RS and first generation K1200GT have been discontinued, I receive less and less news of any new products for them.. I mention this as a few semi-loyal subscribers have accused me of abandoning our roots.. Not true.. I only report what's going on.. Don't shoot the messenger.. I will NEVER abandon the K1200RS crowd. It appears that the times.. they are a changin.' Deal with it. Also.. a special thx to www.I-BMW.com, www.K-Bikes.com , and www.BMWK1200S.com for the information & pictures I regularly pilfer from these sites..

1. Another one bites the dust.. Just heard from my good friend, Ken Zeller ..the Big Kahuna at Evoluzione.. In case you've been living under a rock, Evoluzione has been making high performance air filters and peg lowering kits for the K1300S, K1200S, K1200R, etc. for years. They've officially closed their doors. Damn... Hate to hear this as he was the "definitive" high-performance go-to guy in the industry. Buenas suerte, mi amigo.

2. As of December 8, 2011 BMW Ducati of Oklahoma City is closed. Another victim of Obamanomics? Our best wishes to owner, Ryan Tupps and the staff in their future endeavors..

3. If you are wiring up multiple aftermarket accessories to your steed, be they horns, lights, GPS, radar detectors, flux capacitors.... this little device should make things easier... it's a Multi Connector Device that attaches to your battery terminals to make wiring cleaner and easier to access...

4. Want to start the new year out with some motorcycle related reading material? You might want to check out.. 'The Making of a Motorcyclist".. a new book by Gordon Bunker. According to the press release spiel... "The Making Of A Motorcyclist recounts the author’s lifetime of adventures riding BMW motorcycles (with brief flirtations on a Ducati, a crotch rocket and others) from coast to coast and border to border of the United States. You’ll meet fascinating people, experience some out of the way places and the joys, the important life lessons and a romance or two with a motorcyclist on the road." If you try it.. let me know if it's any good.

5. Best Sportbike 2011: BMW S1000RR proclaims Motorcycle USA's staff...Once again it took to honors in their 2011 Superbike Smackdown VIII Track and Street comparison reviews.

6. Rumor: BMW to Race in MotoGP? Now wouldn't that make things interesting.. Just imagine the trickle down technology... Sweet...

7. Marco Melandri talks BMW. World Superbike runner-up Marco Melandri discusses his first impressions of the BMW S1000RR and reveals why he cannot partner Max Biaggi at Aprilia.

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. Looking for a sleek way to mount a GPS on your late model BMW? We just picked up a new line of GPS mounts from BikePenR (out of the Netherlands) Their GPS Mounts are sleek, stylish, and amazingly attractive unlike virtually everything else on the market. You won't be ashamed to have it on your bike. These are compatible with: Garmin Streetpilot, Zumo 220, 550, 660 and Montana TomTom Rider2, Pro and Urben Rider. The centered, adjustable triple clamp mounts are impressive even by my anal standards. Install is chimp easy and takes less than 10 minutes by removing the cap and bolting the mount right into the triple clamp. No mods necessary. A one beer job even for the most incompetent. We are now offering triple clamp mounts for the S1000RR, K1300S, K1200S, K1300R, K1200R @ $145US Here..

2. Speaking of BikePenR GPS Mounts... we just got word that they also have a triple clamp mount for the K1600GT.. and a dash mounted version for the BMW K1300GT or 2006-2009 K1200GT

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

3. We now have the Extenda Fenda for the BMW K1600GTL and K1600GT... A good way to protect your investment without pummeling your wallet.

4. Our bi-yearly shipment of Pirates Lair Torque Arms just arrived!.. We have two versions for your K1300S, 2005-08 K1200S, K1200R, K1200R Sport, K1300GT, or 2006 & later GT.. each with the stylish Pirates Lair logo lovingly engraved on the side. Each will guarantee attention from the apposite sex..and occasionally from the same sex. We offer them in Sexy Silver and anodized Mandingo Black..

5. Pirates Lair was just notified of an across the board price increase from Kriega Backpacks... FYI.. . the 2012 prices are as follows. R15- $135 and the R20- $145. We can also quote pricing on all their other products upon email request.

6. Big boots and a small shift lever make for a cheatin' wife. We now have a Shift Lever Extension for the K1600GT & K1600GTL.This shift lever adapter, which is manufactured exclusively for us right here in the USA by a fellow BMW rider, fits directly over the existing shift lever giving you the length your wife dreams about. We're also workin on a brake lever extender.

7. Due to the fact that Evoluzione has closed their doors.. it's just a matter of time before their K1300S/K1200S License Plate Relocator and their Race Air Filter kits for the K13/K12S/K13/K12R and K1200GT are all gone. In anticipation of the inevitable, we have bought up their inventory as their products are simply the best on the market. If you have been on the fence on either of these.. now would be the time to pull the trigger. Just sayin'..

K12 / K13 Rally / Event News : 2012

2012 Texas Hill Country I-BMW Rally: April 16-19, 2012 (New!)

Location: Hwy 39 near Hunt - 22 miles from hwy 83
River Inn Resort in Hunt, Texas
When: Monday thru Thursday, April 16th thru 19th (arrive Monday - leave Friday)

Prices stay the same as last year. 2 night minimum stay. 1-800-841-0501 or 1-830-238-4226 ask for Cindy. A one bedroom is $60.00 plus tax, some do have sofa sleepers. Lodging is limited, so Book early to guarantee a room. You can secure your reservation with AMEX, MasterCard or Visa....7 day cancellation policy, however there is a $25 service charge. They all have a refrigerator and microwave.

Agenda: Meet. Ride. Talk, Eat. Ride. Talk.


2012 Blue Ridge Parkway I-BMW.com Rally: May 17-20, 2012

Where: Wattstull Inn, just north of Buchanan, Virginia
When: May 17th thru 20th, 2011 (Thur – Sun)

Call Wattstull Inn for reservations.
540-254-1551 / Mention: i-bmw group
SPECIFY ROOM TYPE - single, double, king.. / Rooms are 68 (ish*) per night plus tax (*2011 rates)

Blue Ridge Parkway info and maps can be found here and here

Alternate Lodging (info only) : Super 8 – Bedford or Days Inn – Bedford or Peaks of Otter Lodge


The 13th Annual I-BMW Deals Gap Rally: October 4-7th, 2012

Where: Fontana Village Resort
Nearest town: Robbinsville, NC
When: October 4th-7th, 2011 [Thur-Sunday]
Reservations: Direct 800.849.2258

20 lodge rooms w/ 2 queen beds/ns: $85+tax - 6 2br cabins with 1 queen and 2 twin beds/kitchen/ns: $120+tax When calling, specify room or cabin. Lodge rooms are in the Garden units with parking outside the door. Cabins will be either the Laurel or Hemlock cabins. Reservations for blocked out rooms will end 45 days prior. Saavy? Free Pirates Lair tees to all attendees who get speeding tickets. Woohoo!! Be sure to mention i-bmw group when booking.

NOTE: I-bmw.com is not an official sponsor of any posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

Be there!!!


How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

Our last contribution
was from Chris Spence of Macon,Ga .. Woohoo! Check out his safety tip # 160 Thx, bro. Could his tip save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

We have a new contribution to start 2012.. Check out How-To Install a H7 HID Inside the K1200S Headlight Housing contributed by Steve Sand (over at www.I-BMW.com).

Picture at right Courtesy of Sports Illustrated photographer Walter Iooss, Jr. / Model: Ms Melissa Haro

Click For Larger Image.. If You Want a Chub..

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Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues