"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around the 1st or 15th of each month, when I deem you are worthy, we put out our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out? If you want to subscribe and have these sent via e-mail to your home or office just let us know at pirate@acelink.net .. otherwise you'll get 95% of it here. Why only 95%? Because I tend to tell the brutal truth as I see it on many issues/products and while I don't mind spewing "my opinion" into your home, office or cell, I have no desire to slam, insult, or malign any company, individual, competitor in public.. unless they blatantly deserve it. Also... something to keep in mind... My language in the email subscription version may offend the meek. Subscribe at your own risk. The on-line version is a bit more... PC..

While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you look elsewhere for your written info-tainment. So it is written.. so let it be done....

Lastly, our e-subscriber newsletter also has all our specials listed.. sales, blems, close-outs, scratch & dent items, etc. or if you'd like to see our current specials without subscribing, just Click Here.

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: August / Sept 2009

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the month.....

Inside the cargo hold, the marines are prepping for the mission. Ripley reluctantly tries to relay the gravity of what they face ahead. Clearly the marines don't know what they are walking into..

Hudson: Is this going to be a stand-up fight, Sir, on another bug-hunt?
Gorman: All we know is that there's still no contact with the colony and that a  newsletter of unknown origin may be involved.
Wierzbowski: A what?
Hicks: (to Wierzbowski; low) It's a bug-hunt. (louder) So what are these things?
Gorman nods to Ripley, who stands before the troops. She sets some recording disketts on the table.
 Ripley: Okay.  It's important to understand the  life cycle of the newsletter's creator.  It's actually two creatures.  The first form hatches from a spore ...a sort of large aging, balding egg, and attaches itself to its victim...er.. customer.  Then it injects some humor, detaches and dies.
Hudson: Sounds like you, Hicks.
Ripley::(controlled) The balding embryo, the second form, hosts in the victim's brain for several hours.  Gestating.  Then it...(with difficulty)...then it...emerges.  Moults. Rides rapidly --
Vasquez I only need to know one thing.
Ripley: Yes?
Vasquez: Where they are. Vasquez coolly points her finger, cocks her thumbs, and blows away an imaginary writer..
Drake: Yo!  Vasquez.  Kick ass!
Vasquez: Anytime.  Anywhere.
Hudson: Somebody said alien...she thought they said illegal alien and signed up.
Vasquez: F#@* you.
Hudson: Anytime.  Anywhere.
Ripley::  (icy) Am I disturbing you conversation Mr. Hudson? Hudson settles down, smirking.  Ripley locks eyes with Vasquez.
Ripley:  I hope you're right.  I really do. Because just one of those Cheesy Pirates Lair Newsletters managed to turn our entire crew into chronic, accessory buying BMW riders.

Pvt. Hudson  / Bill Paxton  Ripley /  Sigourney Weaver   Pvt. Vasquez / Jenette Goldstein ...   Aliens (1986)

Stay away from her you bitch!

News From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Picture Of The Month! California Highway 1 (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our August / Sept POTM was contributed by our good buddy, Charlie Wickliffe, aka Kneedragger over at the www.I-BMW.com site. I met and rode with Charlie at last year's K12 Goldrush Rally. Great guy. He says of the shot.. "California Highway 1 along the coast is always a treat... this is heading north toward Monterey...This shot was taken in 2006." Thx, C.

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 800x600 in size or larger and preferably A. Of a BMW K1200S, K1200RS, K1200R, R Sport, or any model year K1200GT and B. In focus.

Click For Larger Image If You Dare..
Click Image for a Larger View

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BMW Motorrad Announces Pricing on the 2010 S1000RR

BMW Motorrad USA just tossed out the long awaited figures ..Pricing on the 2010 S1000RR and its factory installed options. The magic number is $13,800 US with the following options...

Race ABS (excluding DTC): $1,000.
Race ABS and Dynamic Traction Control (DTC) Combined: $1,480.
Gear Shift Assistant: $450.
(allows clutchless upshifts during acceleration)
Anti Theft Alarm: $395.
WSBK-inspired Motorsports Paint Scheme:$750.
.. ie.. Red, White, and Blue

This new Superbike from BMW weighing only 404 lbs dry, and putting out a massive 193 hp, is one of the most potent, sophisticated and lightest sport bikes ever unleashed on the planet according to the ad department at BMW. The new BMW S1000RR is the most powerful production 1000cc sport bike in the world. In addition to the most potent power plant in its class, the BMW S1000RR introduces new technical features such as the first-ever 4-stage Race ABS system with settings for Rain, Sport, Race and Slick conditions. This groundbreaking new ABS weighs only about 5.5 lbs complete, which is nearly 20 lbs lighter than the competition.

The S1000RR also introduces a new multi-stage Dynamic Traction Control (DTC) which allows smooth acceleration on wet roads, or puts down full-on power on the track and settings in between depending on the road and riding conditions.With its highly distinctive (some think ugly) asymmetrical headlights, which follow the very elegant and unique asymmetrical panels, this first BMW Superbike promises to standout from the crowd of liter-class bikes.The new S 1000 RR is scheduled to be released in the US by early 2010.

* MSRP excludes destination, freight, license, registration, taxes, insurance and options.

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MotorCycle Cruise Control for BMW K1200S: Now Available!!

We've been selling the Australian made MotorCycle Cruise control kits for the BMW K1200RS for years.. Still do although these days it's a special order item. They are simply the best aftermarket cruise controls on the market.. Even better than the factory cruise or so we are repeatedly told. Well, mi amigos.. the long awaited BMW K1200S kit, which has been undergoing R & D for almost 2 years, is now available. 'Bout f#%&in' time. Thank you Frank and Tony Guymer. Thank you. Thank you.

We all know that BMW really dropped the ball by not offering a cruise for the K1200S. Unbelievable, but typical. Don't give the customers what they want. Give them what we think they should have. Kinda sounds like Congress... but I digress. Now we have an option of making things right with this worthy farkel. here are a few of the benefits.

* Substantially reduces the risk of getting "performance awards" in suburban areas or on the highway.
Reduces stress and fatigue on long trips.. no more numb hands!
Significantly improves fuel consumption!
Lets you arrive at your destination more relaxed than ever before.
Provides instant emergency control. Both brakes or the clutch deactivate the cruise.
* Pirates' Lair Liaison Customer Support

Wondering how difficult it is to install?? Duh!. They tell me about 4 hours.. Not sure if that's for someone with chimp-like skills like me or a pro, but they tell me the instructions are VERY detailed with lots of pretty pictures. . Click Here for the K1200S Cruise Brochure which gives some basic details and shows what is included in the kit. BTW.. The Aussies are trying to modify the kit to work with the K1300S. That kit will be different due to the LED brake/tail lights on the new bikes. As soon as we get word on those kits will post here and add them to our website. For now. You can order your K1200S MotorCycle Cruise Here... Price delivered inside the US is $850.

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Laser Stealth HotCam 2 Slip-Ons: Latest Update: A Tale of Woe and Redemption

In the May 2009 Cheesy Newsletter I related the heart wrenching story of the initial release of the Laser Stealth HotCam 2 Slip-ons to the US market. Ever heard of the WWII term.. "FUBAR?" Look it up. Everything that could have gone wrong with the release did.

The first shipment got stuck in customs for weeks as Inspector Clouseau flagged the shipment "suspicious". Took almost 3 weeks for them to clear. Once declared drug-free, FosterRad the US importer picked them up and promptly labeled all the pre-sold units for shipment to eager customers. I think there were around (30) pre-sold. We sold 20 of those. FosterRad lovingly inspected and packed all the units on a skid and delivered to FedEx. The next day they would be shipped to good little boys and girls all around the USA or so we thought. At some point during that night, a FedEx employee ignored the DO NOT STACK signs on the skid of Carbon Fiber exhausts and decided to stack an M1A2 Abrams tank on it which crushed virtually the entire pallet. "Oh, the humanity!" That meant that almost all the prepaid customers were screwed and would have to wait for a second shipment. This is where the story gets really good.

Rather than owning up to their gross incompetence, FedEx decided to keep this minor faux pas a secret. They took each exhaust out of their crushed boxes and put them in brand spanking new boxes, relabeled them, and shipped them on to the eager yet unsuspecting customers hoping nobody would notice.

Got wood?

A few days later a huge box was delivered to Pirates Lair. It was the size of a washing machine. I heard something rolling around in the box.. opened it and it was my Laser Stealth HotCam 2.. no packing.. no bubble wrap.. no paper.. just a loose canister rolling around in the box with a bag of mounting hardware. What the f#@%? The beautiful canister was all beat up. I immediate started getting calls from other pre-paid customers who were starting to get theirs as well.. all damaged. Many in huge boxes. I called my friend Robert (our contact person) at FosterRad and described the onslaught of angry calls and the massive boxes. When he came to, he immediately figured out that FedEx was the culprit and after a few days of back and forth between them.. FedEx owned up to the problem, agreed to pay for all the damage.

The story doesn't end there.. Amazingly.. a handful of exhausts actually came through all this intact. They were delivered to customers who were happy as clams .. for a few weeks anyway until something started happening. The beautiful Carbon Fiber cans started turning an ugly color.. After a few complaints started coming in and I reported it, FosterRad called the manufacturer who after some sleuthing figured out that one of their material suppliers furnished non-spec metal which was thinner than ordered (and paid for) causing the outside Carbon Fiber sleeves to over-heat and change color.. a color I can only describe as "infant feces yellowish green."

This discoloration issue was discovered at about the time the SECOND shipment was ready to leave Europe to replace the first shipment. This new revelation meant that the entire second shipment would have to be delayed and re-worked with all new material causing another 40-60 days wait and quite a few irate customers who had already been waiting for months.. me included.

Are you depressed yet?..Well.. I could have left out the entire first portion of the story and just started here with the GOOD NEWS, but what's the fun in that? My readers are not only my customers but my friends and IMHO.. they always deserve the truth.. and the whole truth.. Not just a vendor's sales pitch. That's just the way I roll. Anyway.. the aforementioned good news is..(are you ready for it?) Laser has an all new shipment nearing completion and will be re-released in the US on August 15th. All issues have been resolved. Anyone who has been waiting for one should be able to snag one pretty soon. Woohoo!!

As I mentioned, I ended up with one of the damaged ones from the first shipment. I have been using it until a replacement shows up. While it was beat up and it did change to the godawful fouled diaper color, the Laser Stealth HotCam 2 is IMHO.. the best sounding, best looking slip-on exhaust on the market for the BMW K1200S. I can't wait until the new shipment (and my replacement unit) arrives around August 15th!! I'll start taking orders again as soon as they have cleared customs and available. .. and not before. and dat's the fact, Jack.

What's New In the K12 / K13 No-Spin Zone

I should note that as the RS and first generation GT has been discontinued, I receive less and less news of any new products for them.. I mention this as a few semi-loyal subscribers have accused me of abandoning our roots.. Not true.. I only report what's going on.. Don't shoot the messenger.. I will NEVER abandon the K1200RS crowd. It appears that the times.. they are a changin.' Deal with it. Also.. a special thx to www.I-BMW.com, www.K-Bikes.com , and www.BMWK1200S.com for the information & pictures I regularly pilfer from these chat sites..

1. Are you a touring or sport touring rider? Then you probably know who Fred Rau is. Former Editor of Motorcycle Consumer News, Road Rider, etc etc.. Contributor to Friction Zone, Roadbike, Rider, Robb Report, Backroads, American Rider, etc etc.. He actually did a review of our ST1300 Stealth Backrest a while back. Nice guy.. Great beard. Well he's just went live with his own E-Magazine .. Fred & Friends... A Motorcycling Online Magazine for the Touring and Sport-Touring Rider

During his career, Fred has tested and reported on over 200 different makes and models of motorcycles, as well as thousands of motorcycling products and accessories, racking up in excess of one million miles in the saddle while doing so. Along the way he has received the the American Motorcyclist Association's "MVP Award" as a "Most Valued Person in Motorcycling," and the Motorcycle Safety Foundation Award for "Outstanding Enthusiast Press."

Nowadays, besides starting up this electronic magazine, and still freelancing for several magazines, Fred runs a motorcycle touring company out of Southern California, "Fred Rau Adventure Tours. " Should be worth a look. Best of luck, Fred.

2. We just found out that the R & G Frame slider kit that we've been selling for the 2005-08 K1200GT will also fit the new K1300GT..Woohoo!! As well as the fork sliders and shaft slider. Protect yourself from the eventuality of going down.. or not.

3. For those interested in such things... the 2010 MOA Rally - - will be held in Redmond, Oregon July 14-18, 2010.

4. Getting fault codes on your BMW? Wondering how to cancel them without having to visit your local extortionist...er.. dealer? Wondering what version software the bike is currently running? Here's a little tool that claims to decipher these things and more.. GS-911 is a Diagnostic Tool for BMW Motorcycles. GS-911 is a unique software and hardware combination that allows the BMW enthusiast the ability to communicate with the control modules in a safe and controlled manner. The device is currently available for many BMW's including K-Series:K1200GT, K1200R, K1200R Sport, K1200S, K1200LT, K1200GT (non-CAN), K1200RS and a new version for the K1300 series is imminent. Price ranges from $500-550US depending on which version you choose.

5. For a not-so-flattering article on the "looks" of the upcoming BMW S1000RR.. Check out She's A Beauty: In The Twilight Zone by jim mcdermott of SuperbikePlanet.com It's kinda funny.

6. A little too ham fisted for your own good? Got wheelie problems? An unplanned wheelie can catch you off guard, but even when intentional, if it goes too far it can result in some nasty bruises, road rash, or worse. Here's a solution to the fear of doing an unexpected back-flip on your over-powered bike..the Romanelli Anti Turnover System.

7. "Houston..er.. Germany we have a problem..." While the poll may be small as of this writing.. many K1300S owners are experiencing stalling problems. Check out the poll over at www.I-BMW.com to add your 2 cents. Results of the poll are here. Correct me if I'm wrong but wouldn't one assume a manufacturer would work out all the bugs on one model (K1200S) before moving on to another version?... Call me crazy.

8. Check out this waaay cool article...2009 Sport-Touring Shootout BMW K1300GT vs. Honda ST1300 vs. Kawasaki Concours 14 vs. Yamaha FJR1300A posted at www.Motorcycle.com Guess who wins hands down??

9. Is there a Gremlin sucking the life out of your battery?? We here it all the time. If the battery on your K1200S or GT or RT is mysteriously going dead after short periods of time.. here's one possible culprit. Ray Jecklin contributed the following info after taking his K1200S in to have it checked out. "After 3 visits to BMW dealer in Albuquerque (this time with factory rep) specifically trying to find battery "drain" problem, they finally found it. The ABS control box is supposed to time out before it shuts down. The time out part of the ABS box was not working. Therefore the ABS box continued to draw down the battery while the bike was parked. No way to know this without testing the box. A new box is on its way and BMW is being good about covering the cost since they could not find the problem for the past year while the bike was still under warranty."

I asked Ray where exactly this control box is/was located and got the following follow up response..." I called the service dept. They said... There's five control units on the bike and the ABS unit difficult to get to, it's supposedly buried. I said; but where? They said if not for the BMW rep they may had never found the problem. But where is this box? Buried. OK. The rep knew how to test all control units and found the problem rather quickly. I wish I could tell you more. They gave me the idea that any one of those boxes could have been the problem and that in my case it was the ABS box that lost its ability to "time out" and shut down."

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. MotorCycle Cruise Control for BMW K1200S: Now Available!! If you suffer from ADD or CRS and missed the blurb above.. Yes, my friends.. an electronic cruise control for your K1200S is now available and we have them. The kit will fit the 2005-2008 BMW K1200S. Tired of aching wrists and numb hands? Here's one solution that will rock your world. Delivery time from Australia is generally 2 weeks. Installation of the Motorcycle Cruise is best left to a professional mechanic. Install time varies from 3-5 hours for a "skilled" BMW mechanic. Cost to your door is $850. Coming Soon!... BMW K1300S version kit. Stay tuned!

Mongo want to cruise!

2. News to make you horny. Price Reduction Notice! Effective as of 7/20/09... the price of our Nautilus Air Horns went down from $65 to a reasonable $50. I was able to renegotiate a deal on these.. Worth every penny..and one could save your life...I have one installed on every bike I own.

3. If you are a K1300S owner and thinking about buying our Verholen Bar Risers for your bike.. You may have a little longer wait. We just pulled them off the menu.. Verholen of Germany has discovered that BMW has slightly different switch housings on the early 09 K1300S and the late 09 K1300S causing install issues .Initially we were selling the late K1200S kit to fit the early K1300S and that seemed to work well, but Verholen has now discovered that the late K13's are different enough to force an all new kit for that bike. Thx BMW. The problem is.. figuring out the cut-off points of what differentiates an early 09 K1300S and /or a late version. Once we figure that out.. we'll put them on the menu.

4. Sato (of Japan) has just had an across the board price increase on all their rearsets. We sell Satos for both Ducati and MV Agusta. Still worth the money, IMHO...

5. K1300S Owners: Peg Lowering Kit News! Need a little extra leg room? We hear it all the time. The good news is..We now have the Evoluzione Peg Relocator kit for the BMW K1300S with or without the optional factory quick shift feature. The Peg relocator kit for the K1300S with the quick shift option comes with an additional shift lever linkage extension hence the slightly higher price.. Thx, Ken for all you do.

6. As mentioned a few paragraphs ago... the long awaited second coming of the Laser Stealth HotCam 2 is imminent..IMHO.. it's. the best sounding, best looking slip-on exhaust on the market for the BMW K1200S.THey tell us the boat arrives around August 15th!! I'll start taking orders again as soon as they have cleared customs and are available. .. and not before. and dat's the fact, Jack.

K12 / K13 Rally / Event News : Down The Road: 2009

2009 Sierra Gold Rush K12 / K13 Rally: Sept 13-16, 2009

Where: Sonora Days Inn, Sonora, California
When: Sept 12th thru 16th, 2009 (Sun – Weds)

A pre-rally is planned in Downieville, CA at the Riverside Inn: Rooms are reserved for Sept. 9th through 11th. September 12th will be a travel day to Sonora, an easy and beautiful day's ride south of Downieville.Lodging here is very limited... there are only a handful of rooms available, so if you plan to attend the pre-rally you should make your reservations immediately. Tell them that you are with the I-BMW group!! If they are booked up when you call, there is other lodging available in Downieville, and everything is within walking distance:

For booking at the actual Sierra Gold Rush Rally call the Sonora Days Inn at 209-532-2400. Tell them that you are with the I-BMW group. If you talk to someone who is clueless about our group, ask to speak to Tracy. We have rooms reserved here for Sept. 12th through 15th, with the 16th optional. This rally will be even better than the last, and we are expecting a much larger turnout in 2009, so make your reservations now! .

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The 10th Annual Deals Gap K12 / K13 Rally: Sept 24-27th, 2009 ( New Location! )

Where: Ridge Top Motel and Campground, Bryson City, North Carolina
390 Arlington Ave, Bryson City, NC 28713
When: Sept 24th thru 27th, 2009
Reservations: (828) 488-6363 Toll Free (866) 415-9692

Be sure to mention i-bmw group

Rates $45 per night plus tax / MC, Visa , Amex , Disc
Office closes at 11:00 pm (late arrivals be sure to call ahead)
24 hour cancellation notice / Click for Google Map
Alternative (More Upscale) Lodging: Sleep Inn, 500 Veterans Blvd, Bryson City, NC, US, 28713 / Phone: (828) 488-0326

Recently we were shocked to learn of the closing of the Topoco Lodge (near Robbinsville.) For the last nine straight years our Deals Gap K12 Rally has been held there. So what to do? Well thanks to the quick action of our bud, Tim (aka..Cbnfvr over at www.I-BMW.com) an alternative site has been booked. The 2009 Deals Gap K12 rally will be held in Bryson City, NC at the Ridge Top Motel and Campground. This'll be the 10th anniversary of the most sacred K12 gathering. This motel won't hold us all, so make plans now! This'll be the last K12 / K13 Rally of 2009, my friends.

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How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have no new contributions this month.
Could our tips save your life? Dare you NOT look?

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.. Remember.. we're all in this together.. so use deodorant.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-thousand page website.. I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

Nothing new this month..

Picture at right Courtesy of Sports Illustrated photographer Walter Iooss, Jr. / Model: Ms Melissa Haro

Click For Larger Image.. If You Want a Chub..

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Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues