Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around the 1st or 15th of each month, when I deem you are worthy, we put out our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

If you want to subscribe and have these sent via e-mail to your home or office just let us know at pirate@acelink.net .. otherwise you'll get 95% of it here. Why only 95%? Because I tend to tell the brutal truth as I see it on many issues/products and while I don't mind spewing "my opinion" into your home, office or cell, I have no desire to slam, insult, or malign any company, individual, competitor in public.. unless they blatantly deserve it.

While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, liberal, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment. So it is written.. so let it be done....

Bad Santa

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: December 2012 Issue : Happy Holidays!

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the month.....

As various members of the family bring out a punch bowl and glasses, Janie sits down at the piano and strikes a chord. She starts playing "Hark! The Herald Angels Sing," and the entire crowd joins in the singing. Some people are still coming in and dropping their money on the table. Carter, the bank examiner, makes a donation; the sheriff sheepishly looks at George and tears his warrant in small pieces. Just then, Harry, in Naval uniform, enters, accompanied by Bert, the cop.

Harry: Hello, George, how are you?
George: Harry . . . Harry . . . !!
Harry: (as he sees the money) Mary –––– looks like I got here too late.
Bert: Mary, I got him here from the airport as quickly as I could. The fool flew all the way up here in a blizzard.
Mrs Bailey: Harry, how about your banquet in New York?
Harry: Oh, I left right in the middle of it as soon as I got Mary's telegram. Ernie hands Harry a glass of wine.
Harry: Good idea, Ernie. A toast . . . to my big brother, George. The richest man in town! Once more the crowd breaks into cheering and applause. Janie at the piano and Bert on his accordion start playing "Auld Lang syne," and everyone joins in.
George, still holding Zuzu in his arms, glances down at the pile of money on the table. His eye catches something on top of the pile, and he reaches down for it. It is Clarence's copy of the Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter. George opens it and finds an inscription written in it "Dear George, remember no man is a failure who has a BMW and friends. Thanks for the wings, Love Clarence."
Mary: (looking at the newsletter) What's that?
George: That's a cheesy Christmas present from a very dear friend of mine.

George Bailey / James Stewart Mary / Donna Reed / It's a Wonderful Life ... 1946

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Picture Of The Month! Getting His Kicks.. On Route 66! (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our December POTM was contributed by Dan (Crash) Crenswaw of Santa Cruz, California . He says of the shot... "I took this shot with my point and shoot Nikon Coolpics I keep tethered around my neck while riding. This is on Route 66 on the way to Amboy, California from Barstow, California while completing a successful Bun Burner Gold/Saddle Sore Gold run the last week of September. My riding partner on his sissy twin and I rode 1590 miles in 23 hours and then completed our ride for a total of 2111 miles in 33 hours from Los Gatos, California to Albuquerque, New Mexico and back for our two newest IBA certificates."

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of a BMW K1200S, K1300S, K1200RS, K1200R, R Sport, S1000RR, K1600GT, GTL, or any model year K1200GT or K1300GT and B. In focus.

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What Men Really Want for Christmas: Pirates Lair Gift Cards, Tees, Hats!

Through the years we've gotten more requests for Pirates Lair gift cards, tees, and hats than anything else except perhaps naked pictures of Amber. Who are we to deny the masses? Pirates' Lair again is offering Pirates Lair Gift Cards this holiday season in a number of denominations to fit your congressionally pummeled budget. From $25 to $300! Our standard sized plastic gift card is sleek, stylish, and professionally made. And no.. it doesn't look anything like the babe at right although that's NOT a bad idea. Whip it out (the card, that is) and you will garner respect and admiration from not only your peers, but also the less fortunate around you. And yes... we are also offering our newly printed, limited edition Pirates Lair Plundering Tees and Hats!!

Like buying underwear or choosing a hooker, buying motorcycle accessories is a very personal thing. Simply guessing what your favorite rider actually needs/wants/desires for his ride is a hit or miss proposition. Rather than putting yourself in the embarrassing situation of getting the wrong thing or worse.. something that he or she hates and has to return... you can't go wrong with one of our waaaay cool Pirates Lair Gift Cards. Ladies.. these are perfect for the holidays, birthdays, weddings, promotions, or just a way of saying.. "Honey.. I'm sorry I slept with your brother." Remember.. nothing says.. "I love you" or "I'm sorry" to a man like shiny plastic or I suppose.. an unexpected BJ.. One that doesn't involve begging, cash, or undercover police officers.

Included with every Pirates Lair Gift Card is a single-fold, greeting card style gift card holder with a folded/glued pocket inside for easy gift card insertion and removal. These are made of premium-quality silk finish paper. And that's not all! We also include a small matching envelope. Folded size: 4 3/4" x 3 3/8" Actual cost of each card is $5 to cover cost of card, holder, envelope package, and insured shipping inside the US. For instance.. a $25 gift card will cost $30 to your door. Saavy? Foreign orders are welcome. Happy Holidays!

I got what you want!!

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Product Review Follow-Ups: Year End Closure and Reflection for 2012

Over the past year I've done quite a few product reviews. As we all know.. opinions can and do change after we've used something for a while. . Sometimes for the better.. sometimes for the worse. Wife # 3 comes to mind, but I digress. Thought I'd wrap up the year's last cheesy newsletter with some final thoughts.. Some better .. some worse..

Follow-Up: Michelin Power Pures Tires April 2012 / In our April 2012 newsletter I wrote of the "Power Pures".. "On the street they warm up quickly. Once scrubbed in the Pures absolutely rocked my world. At lean angles that would have had Dunlop Q2s slipping and sliding and screaming like a little girl, the Pures were rock solid with nary a twitch even at extreme lean angles. The tires are 100% predicable and confidence inspiring. With less than 400 miles on them I have no idea how long they'll last. I have never, ever gotten more than 2800 out of any brand rear tire or more than 3200 out of any brand front...so if they provide at least that many miles I'll be swearing my oath of allegiance to Michelin and ordering the Pilot Pures into infinity and beyond."

As I write this I now have 2600 miles on the rear and 2200 on the front. The rear looks to have at least 800-1000 usable miles left on it so my hopes for decent mileage out of the rear Pilot Pure (at least for me) have been fulfilled. The front Pure hasn't fared as well. I have 2200 miles on it and while there is some tread left.. the feel of the tire has diminished and steering is noticeably harder. It felt good up until 2000 miles then went south exponentially. Not good. If we were still laboring under the Bush administration (ie..prosperous and rolling in cash).. I'd replace it today. Under Obamunism, I'll keep the tire on the bike and try to squeeze every usable mile out of it then cut it up for soup bouillon.

I'm still impressed with the Michelin Power Pures and the feel that they provide and even with the less than impressive front tire mileage stats I just bought another pair.. Once I burn up this second pair, I'll have a decent baseline for proper evaluation. I'm still giving them my two thumbs up.

Ginger? or MaryAnn?

Follow-Up: Poo Pourri June/July 2012 I'm still sold on this magic, odiferous elixir. After using Poo-Pourri for a few months I can confidently say we'll be buying (and dumping on) the product regularly. It's that good. I would hazard a guess that virtually anyone on the planet (except those suffering from Anosmia and maybe the French) would appreciate this stuff. If your s#*t stinks... you might want to take a look at this stuff.

Follow-Up: Wick-It Helmet Liner! June/July 2012 The perfect stocking stuffer from 2Up Touring. The best helmet liner I've ever used..and at a reasonable price. Win/Win.

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Pirates Lair... It's Official!!! We're The New US Laser Exhaust Distributor!

Last week while still in a deep, deep, deeeeep depression resulting from the presidential election results, I was brainstorming ideas as to what we were gonna do to survive. IMHO.. the next 4 years will make the last 4 look like a love fest so out of the box thinking was called for. My thoughts drifted from pimping Amber out.. going back into the pot growing industry... selling a kidney.. robbing small convenience stores.. and even some REALLY desperate stuff when out of the blue I got an email from Amsterdam. It was from CEO of Laser Exhausts approving our recent request to be their lone US distributor. Woohoo!! I took the gun out of my mouth, thanked him, and have been working out logistics ever since. Perfect timing and I get to keep my kidney.

As Washington, DC's designated village idiot would say.. "This is a big f#@*ing deal" and not one I would have chosen deliberately. Pirates Lair was running like a well oiled machine just 4 years ago. Today, like most other small business owners in the US.. under fire from our own government and facing the financial "Cliffs of Insanity" .. we've been scrambling to climb out of this mess. And unlike big businesses.. nobody is throwing us a rope. The successful business practices that led us to the industries #1 spot simply do not apply under Obamunism. The good news is.. (unlike 51% of the populace).. I'm smart enough to know that you can't go down the same path and expect different results. Streamlining Pirates Lair .. ie.. dropping a lot of current products and discontinuing some of the items we actually manufacture so we can free up the time and resources to work with Laser is the rope we were hoping for. This new venture should give us some breathing room until Rubio is in the White House in 2016. While we're still talking to numerous shipping companies as to transporting product from Amsterdam, things are pretty much wrapped up. I hope to have a deal finalized any day now.

Titanium Laser HotCam 2!

I'm especially excited that we'll finally be offering the Stealth Laser HotCam 2 systems. (pic of Ti version at right) FYI.. we get more requests for those than any other exhaust and for good reason. IMHO.. they're the best looking and the best sounding. They'll be available for most bikes in Carbon Fiber, Titanium, and Stainless steel. There's also a "shortie" version for the K1300S. Sweet! The K16 version is absolutely beautiful, too! Each canister comes with a removable silencer. Laser also offers the standard tri-oval HotCam, and the traditional oval canister designated DuoTech.

While at some point we'll carry their entire product line for all brand motorcycles.. we'll begin with the BMW K1600GT / K1600GTL, the BMW K1300S / K1300R, the BMW K1200S / K1200R and the BMW S1000RR. Stay tuned!! Spread the word. Thanks, Inigo.

The HotCam 2
The HotCam
Laser Stealth HotCam2 "Shortie" on K1300S
K1600 HotCam 2

What's New In the K12 / K13 / K16 / S1000RR No-Spin Zone

I should note that as the K1200RS and first generation K1200GT have been discontinued, I receive less and less news of any new products for them.. I mention this as a few semi-loyal subscribers have accused me of abandoning our roots.. Not true.. I only report what's going on.. Don't shoot the messenger.. I will NEVER abandon the K1200RS crowd. It appears that the times.. they are a changin.' Deal with it. Also.. a special thx to www.I-BMW.com, www.K-Bikes.com , and www.BMWK1200S.com for the information & pictures I regularly pilfer from these sites..

1. I'm guessing that most of our readers are also members of . I-BMW.com ie.. the best BMW chat site on the web.. I have been for 13 years! Three of my marriages didn't last that long nor where they as emotionally satisfying. Want to support the venerable site?? Sure you do. Feast your eyes on this updated (and oh so cool) reflective sticker for your bike: Order yours by emailing IBMWsticker@Gmail.com with a shipping address. This sticker's of very high quality, 3.5" in diameter, has a 5 year protective laminate and will likely save your butt as it's 'wicked' reflective . FYI, the '1st' sticker is free...... above and beyond that, they've got to cover costs (roughly $3.50/sticker for 4 color reflective).

A very nominal site donation to retain the banner free site will get ya more than one sticker. Just in time for Christmas! - Choose the 'Donate' button at the site & request sticker here: IBMWsticker@Gmail.com Again, please provide your mailing address. 'Bonus' for becoming a site contributor? You get your name in neon blue.

2. Need brake pads for your BMW? You will soon. I recently bought and installed some XBK5 Brake pads by CL Brakes (sold by Spiegler USA) on my 2006 BMW K1200S. Part # for my front pads is/was CL1101XBK5 and cost $35.95 retail. (You need two kits for the front.. duh.) The XBK5 pads are their "performance" version and are slightly better than the stock pads. I'm guessing they won't last as long, but nothing performance oriented ever does. Anyway.. not only do they feel very crisp and linear, but they also cured what I thought was a slightly warped rotor issue... Apparently there was nothing wrong with my rotors (hallelujah, praise the Lord!!..).. Instead, it was obviously bad oem pads causing the oscillation. Sweet! Spiegler carries them for most BMWs. My 2 thumbs up.

3. There was a "Special Edition" BMW K1300S celebrating 30 years of the K-series on display at the EICMA show in Milan. No details as of yet. I'm guessing this means the 2013 model will be the last.. I can't back that up with facts.. just a hunch.

4. I know what I want for Christmas!! Besides an unexpected early morning BJ. The Asphalt and Rubber website offers the first look at the BMW S1000RR-powered Bimota BB2! Dayum!! Now that's what I'm talking about... It even has a single sided swing-arm! Have you been a good boy this year?

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. New to the menu for our K16 customers... Remus K1600GTL / GT Full Exhaust System from Austria. Remus offers a Titanium or Carbon Fiber version Hexacone for the 2011-2013 K1600GT. The Ti version offers a titanium canister cover and a carbon fiber end cap. The Carbon Fiber version features an all carbon fiber canister. Sweet. The Hexacone full exhaust system offers a modest hp gain, more torque, a substantial weight loss, and of course... a sexy look. In case you are curious, the Remus Hexacone full system does eliminate the catalytic converter.The Remus Hexacone comes with a removable 'street legal' silencer. Both left and right side canisters, stainless steel header system, 2 connectors, and all mounting hardware is included. No mods necessary. System retains centerstand capability. Price is an erection busting $2437.US for Titanium or Carbon Fiber. What's in your wallet?

2. For those of you with ADD.. as per the blurb above.. Pirates Lair will shortly become the lone US /importer distributor for Laser Exhausts of the Netherlands. We'll be carrying the entire product line! Links above to the current BMW models. Apparently I have a guardian angel. He thought Romney would win, too.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

3. For the last 10 years all Pirates Lair Photo Albums of bikes, rallies, vacations, babes, holidays, etc etc have been stored at Webshots for everyone to see. I have dozens of albums there for public viewing. I paid around $60 a year for the service.. Last week I got a notice from Webshots saying they've sold out (another victim of Obamunism) and on December 1st the site will no longer be there.. The new owners are changing the site to something called "Smiley" something or other which will not be set up to do photo albums.. Swell. With that said...rather than throw a pity party, we just moved our entire photo gallery over to SmugMug Their site is actually better suited to our needs, offers stellar customer service, and is more user friendly. Who says change has to be painful? As of today... the hundreds of links on our website should be pointing to the new Pirates Lair Photo Gallery at SmugMug.

4. On November 13th we sold our last Evoluzione K1200s / K1300S Peg Relocator kit. There will be no more.. As mentioned in previous newsletters.. Evoluzione recently closed their doors. Another victim of Obamunism? What does your gut tell ya?

5. Pirates Lair rarely runs specials, but here's one for you... We are overstocked on H3 HID kits... Until we can diminish our stock, we've dropped the price on them from $60 to $45 delivered! Get them while they last!!

6. We just got a shipment of LONG SLEEVE Pirates Lair Plundering tees just in time for the cold months ahead and the holidays. Whether wanting to look stylish at your divorce proceedings or just bloviating in the board room.. Pirates Lair has a tee, or hat, or gift card for you.. Be the envy of your work place or AA meeting!! Pirates' Lair tees or hats make great birthday, graduation, parole, Christmas, Hanukah, or Father's Day gifts. The XLarge tees also make wonderful sleepwear for your rug rats or that special person in your life. Also good for covering up back hair and/or aging tattoos. Guaranteed to get you laid more often.*
* Does not work on married or ugly customers.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

K12 / K13 / K16 Rally Event News : 2013

The 1st Annual I-BMW Rocky Mountain Rally: July 14 through July 17, 2013

Where: Quality Inn of Gunnison
Nearest town: Gunnison, Colorado
When: July 14 through July 17, 2013
Reservations: 970-641-1237

Our base of operations will be the Quality Inn of Gunnison, which is located at 400 E. Tomichi Ave (also known as U.S. 50) in Gunnison. They are currently taking reservations for a block of rooms that are reserved for us. I encourage you to make you reservations early (like now), and to mention that you are with the BMW Motorcycle Group in order to get the rate of $95 plus tax per night (down from their advertised $119 + tax). Most of the rooms have two queen-sized beds, but there are also some available with one king or one queen. A hot breakfast is included.

Cancellation Policy: If you call as late as the day before (24 hours) you are supposed to arrive, they will not charge your card. Also, in case of a family emergency or hospitalization, you could call the day you're due to arrive and they would also not charge your card. And I also confirmed with them that if you make the reservation and tell them that you want to arrive earlier or stay later than the Sunday to Wednesday time frame, they will give you the $95 rate for all the days that you are there.

NOTE: I-bmw.com is not an official sponsor of any posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

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The 6th Annual I-BMW Sierra Goldrush Rally: Sept 6th-10th, 2013

Where: Creekside Lodge
Where: Markleeville 14820 State Route 89, Markleeville, CA
When: Friday, September 6th… check out date is estimated to be Tuesday, September 10th
Reservations: Jeannie at the Creekside Lodge, 530 694-2229

In 2013, we will return to the Riverside Inn in Downieville for the pre-rally. We will check in at the Riverside Inn on Tuesday, September 3rd, and check out on Friday, September 6th for our ride to Markleeville. I have reserved the entire Riverside Inn, save for one room, for our group. Please call Mike or Nancy at 888-883-5100 or 530-289-1000 for your individual reservation, and you MUST identify yourself as part of the I-BMW group!!

Accommodations for the 2013 SGR event in Markleeville will be, once again, at the Creekside Lodge, and I have reserved the entire lodge for our group. Our check in date will be Friday, September 6th… check out date is estimated to be Tuesday, September 10th, but that can be determined individually when your reservation is made. Please call Jeannie at the Creekside Lodge, 530 694-2229, and once again, you MUST identify yourself as a member of the I-BMW group.

...and don't forget... Pirates Lair will be offering your choice of either Pirates Lair Plundering hats, Pirates Lair tees, or $25 gift cards to anyone who achieves a "velocity award" while in transit to or from or at the rally itself.. If we don't reward bad behavior... who else will?? Arrrrrrg.

NOTE: I-bmw.com is not an official sponsor of any posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

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The 14th Annual I-BMW Deals Gap Rally: October 3-6th, 2013

Where: Fontana Village Resort
Nearest town: Robbinsville, NC
When: October 3rd-6th, 2011 [Thur-Sunday]
Reservations: Direct 800.849.2258

Geezz. Have we been doing this for 14 years? I've had wives that didn't last that long. 20 lodge rooms w/ 2 queen beds/ns: $85+tax - 6 2br cabins with 1 queen and 2 twin beds/kitchen/ns: $120+tax When calling, specify room or cabin. Cabins will be either the Laurel or Hemlock cabins. Reservations for blocked out rooms will end 45 days prior. Saavy? Be sure to mention i-bmw group when booking.

...and don't forget... Pirates Lair will be offering your choice of either Pirates Lair Plundering hats, Pirates Lair tees, or $25 gift cards to anyone who achieves a "velocity award" while in transit to or from or at the rally itself.. If we don't reward bad behavior... who else will?? Arrrrrrg.

NOTE: I-bmw.com is not an official sponsor of any posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

Be there!!!


How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

Our newest contribution
is from Michael Kenner Oceanside, CA .. Woohoo! Check out his safety tip # 161 Thx, bro. Could his tip save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

The last contribution for our How-To section is..
How-To Install Verholen 85mm Handlebar Riser Installation on 2010 K1300S contributed by Sir Stephen Myott. Thx, Steve.

Picture at right Courtesy of Sports Illustrated photographer Walter Iooss, Jr. / Model: Ms Melissa Haro

Click For Larger Image.. If You Want a Chub..

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Guess that kinda wraps this one up. This will be the last communiqué for 2012. It's been a challenging year for Amber and I (and Pirates' Lair) thanks to the Obama regime, but we survived. Who knows what the future will bring. Amber and I appreciate everyone's help, advice, encouragement, and occasional naked pics throughout this past year. Best wishes to you all for a prosperous 2013...

In spite of what the far left ACLU would like us to say, we sincerely hope that you and yours (no matter what bike you ride and/or religion) have a a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Remember if you're gonna drink...stop by here and of course... leave the bike at home... For our secularist customers... Happy Winter Season.

For the US troops serving all over the world thank you for everything you are doing for us and our country. Godspeed.

Take care.. ride safe...stay warm.. watch out for flying reindeer...see you in the New Year..

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues