Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around the 1st or 15th of each month, when I deem you are worthy, we put out our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW K1300S, K1200S, GT, R, RS, S1000RR world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

If you want to subscribe and have these sent via e-mail to your home or office just let us know at pirate@acelink.net .. otherwise you'll get 95% of it here. Why only 95%? Because I tend to tell the brutal truth as I see it on many issues/products and while I don't mind spewing "my opinion" into your home, office or cell, I have no desire to slam, insult, or malign any company, individual, competitor in public.. unless they blatantly deserve it.

While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment. So it is written.. so let it be done....

Prepare to be boarded!

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: May / June 2011

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the month.....

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy (holding his little dog) has just taken the stand as the main witness in the divorce proceedings. He explains in his outrageous French accent that he's the concierge of Les Pantalons Rouges...at Bad-Gadesbourg in the canton of Uri. He explains that he provides "special" services for their special guests..and that yes.. he remembers the defendant, Marylin Rexroth visiting the hotel numerous times in the past.

Miles:  Mm-hmm. I am curious about her visit of five years ago ...January. Can you remember any specific request she made at that time?
The Baron: - Yes, I can.

Miles:  - And what, at that time, did she tell you she required?
The Baron: She said that she required ..*pause*......a cheesy newsletter!   *gasps throughout the courtroom*         
The Baron: *to his dog*... Do you want some bones? Huh? Does Elsbieta want some bones?
Miles:  Has anyone any bones?  Does anyone have any bones? B-- Uh, bones? Dog candies?
The Baron: No, they are not candies. Milk-Bones. Hard, crunchy bones for the teeth.Uh, hard, uh--
Miles:  We'll attend to the dog later. Now, Baron--Where were we?
.... Miles turns to the court reporter and asks her to read the transcript back..
Court Reporter:  "She said that she required a newsletter." Oh, do you want some bones? Has anyone any bones? Hard, crunchy bones for the--''                 
Miles: Right. Now, a newsletter? That's an unusual request. Did she specify what kind of a newsletter she was looking for?
Freddie: Objection!!!
Judge: - Grounds?
Freddie: - Uh... hearsay.
Miles:  It's not secondhand, Your Honor.This is direct testimony about the baron's own conversation.
Judge: - I'm going to allow it.
The Baron: She said she wanted a Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletter!!  ....         
Freddie: Objection!!!!

Miles .. George Clooney  / Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy... Jonathan Hadary / ... Intolerable Cruelty (2003)

Does anyone have any bones?

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Picture Of The Month! German Scenery! (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our July POTM was contributed by Gijs van Dijk of the Netherlands . He says of his contribution .." It was taken mid-afternoon on the roadside on the way to the city of Wittlich, Germany. An absolutely beautiful day. It was about 68F, and basically it was just me and my bike all day. No company to distract from the impressions, thoughts and feelings you may experience during a nice spring ride. No music on, just flowing with the road listening to the roar of the exhaust and snarl of the intakes. So here I am, riding my bike through the hills and fields, being able to look around for miles and all of a sudden there is this patch of trees, with a little white church in the middle of nowhere with a tiny little graveyard in front (you can just see some of the stones in the pic), so I just had to stop and have look around. I have no idea why that little church is where it is, or who put it there. The nearest town is more than 5 miles away. It is funny how people look at you weird when you are parked at the side of the road having a smoke like that. :) . "

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of a BMW K1200S or K1300S, K1200RS, K1200R, R Sport, S1000RR, K1600GT, or any model year K1200GT or K1300GT and B. In focus.

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The 2011 Hill Country K12 / K13 Rally!! Zero Tickets!! Fewer Molested Cattle This Year!!! !

We hear the 2011 Texas Hill Country Rally was da bomb and we've got the pics to prove it! One rally attendee (who shall remain anonymous) told us.."This year's THCR was the best one we've had yet which is the way it should be since we were celebrating our 10th THCR rally. The weather was absolutely prefect, we had some great food, made some new friends, and rode some great roads all over the Texas Hill Country. We had a few new faces attend this year and many repeat offenders and a good time was had by all." Lots of trip reports are posted over at the quasi-sponsoring website... www.I-BMW.com We heard one unconfirmed rumor that not a single "velocity award" was achieved during the event...!!?? Can that be right??

A special thanks to James Myrick and his posse who organized the event and all the guys at www.I-BMW.com for promoting yet another successful event. Wish I could have been there.

If interested/bored/bi-curious.. check out our Texas Hill Country Rally 2011 Photo Album. Thx to all the I-BMW.com miscreants who selflessly (and in some cases.. unknowingly) contributed photos to this year's photo album..Curt, Muddy, and McFly. Thx again James for all that you do in making this annual event a continued success.

Show me more!!

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Pirates Lair Kawasaki Concours 14 Stealth Backrest!!! In Production!

If all goes as planned our upcoming Kawasaki Concours 14 Stealth Backrest should be on the market by late June. We've just finished our testing phase of the project and so far.. everyone seems deliriously happy. Our testers made some helpful suggestions which will be integrated into the production pieces. I have to admit.. I'm really happy as to how this project has turned out. Look for advertising spots in various sport-touring magazines soon..ie.. Rider, Backroads, etc..

Install of the Concours 14 stealth rack will be chimp easy taking all of 10 minutes with no mods. It's a simple bolt on. Here's the install. The backrest's polished stainless steel slide bar will slide on and off the bike in mere seconds (just like all our other specialty backrests) for a sleek and sexy look.. At the moment we still are NOT taking pre-orders as I'm unsure of a delivery date and I refuse to sit on our customers money indefinitely. Price will be $365US delivered inside the US which puts it in line with all our other offerings. I will be glad to send updates to anyone interested as to progress and availability upon email request.

Show me more, El Capitan!

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Teiz Motorsports Introduces First Ever Women's Motorcycle Suit

Well hello ladies.. You come here often?? I'd like to think that some women actually lower their standards occasionally and gaze upon and hopefully appreciate this... the cheesiest of newsletters.. Hmm.. perhaps I should do a survey? Here's some news just for you.. Check out the first ever woman's motorcycle riding suit!! This should be a cause to celebrate among the fairer sex who must endure riding gear designed for men. I imagine this is what Rosa Parks would wear. Just sayin'. From what I understand, the suit isn't in production yet, but should be soon. Looks very sleek and sexy, to me but then I love women in any riding gear.. or out of riding gear.

Here's some wordage from our friends at Teiz Motorsports...who are producing the suit. For more waaaay cool pictures of the suit and the hottie wearing it.. Click Here.

Have you ladies had enough of looking like a rugby player because you can never find gear thats flattering on you? Are you sick of trying to make a men's one-piece suit work? Are you tired of waiting around for someone to come out with a motorcycle suit that shouts 'specifically for women. Will you stop waiting on Aerostitch to do so because I have you covered!
Here's a little sneak peek at the soon to be launched 'FIRST EVER Women's one-piece riding suit' by Teiz Motorsports. Designed by a woman for a woman!

Highlights include:
- Cordura shell
- Sas-Tec armor
- Full Custom sizing
- Exkin Liner
.... and much more to be revealed soon!

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New Product: Sargent World Sport Performance Seat for the BMW S1000RR!

World renowned seat makers, Sargent Cycle has just released their World Sport Performance Seat for the BMW S1000RR. Here's some wordage off their website..

The World Sport Performance Seat for the BMW S1000RR features our finest, high performance synthetic seat covering, designed to give years of trouble-free service.  Our tough, UV-stabilized, mildew-resistant CarbonFX material is cut and sewn specifically to maximize the suspension qualities of the Super Cell Atomic foam.  Our upholstery materials, combined with our upholstery installation technique and continuous moisture barrier, result in a seat that does not suffer from shrinking, cracking, water-absorption/penetration, or suspension interference.  And, best of all, it is virtually maintenance-free!

Utilizing the latest design techniques, exacting manufacturing processes, and superior materials, each World Sport seat pan is precision-molded for a flawless fit and installs just like the stock seat (no additional hardware required). The BMW S1000RR features our injection-molded PolyTec base pan. This super tough, lightweight material provides an exceptional, high-performance seat foundation.

This World Sport Performance Seat for the BMW S1000RR has the following features:

  • Lightweight PolyTec Seat Pan.
  • Super Cell Atomic Foam Suspension.
  • Improved ergonomic shape for long distance comfort.
  • Offered with CarbonFX vinyl seating inserts.
  • Total weight - 1 pound.
  • Color-coordinated welt - optional.
  • Complete Heat upgrade available. Mmm.. Heated buns!
  • The seating contour is level, minimizing the forward slide into the tank.
  • The seating shape is widened and slightly dished from side-to-side, providing more lateral support and virtually eliminating "hot spots."

What's New In the K12 / K13 / S1000RR No-Spin Zone

I should note that as the K1200RS and first generation K1200GT have been discontinued, I receive less and less news of any new products for them.. I mention this as a few semi-loyal subscribers have accused me of abandoning our roots.. Not true.. I only report what's going on.. Don't shoot the messenger.. I will NEVER abandon the K1200RS crowd. It appears that the times.. they are a changin.' Deal with it. Also.. a special thx to www.I-BMW.com, www.K-Bikes.com , and www.BMWK1200S.com for the information & pictures I regularly pilfer from these sites..

1. Some of us are as anal about our garage are as we are our bikes. Many of us (I won't name names..) have posters of our moto-heroics, trophies (if we're lucky), Persian rugs, etc in prominent places throughout our shop or garages.. Here's a place selling corporate art from years gone by... Advertisingart.com They offer classic posters from companies advertising their products. Some images are iconic. Their BMW section is spanktacular! They furnish these posters printed on aluminum.. I have to admit.. These are very cool and would make any BMW rider a great birthday, Christmas, or divorce present..

2. Looks like Arrow now has an exhaust offering for the mighty BMW S1000RR... Looks and sounds pretty good....

Show me more!

3. Here's some tasty new bling for the S1000RR.the Rizoma Camshaft Cover for BMW S1000RR

4. Check out these BMW K1200S Tees. If the link doesn't work, go to EBay and search for product #250775872432. I'd like to have one of these!!!!

5. There's a new chat forum already up and running devoted to the upcoming K1600GT.. Looks like some good people hanging out there ..I'm already getting parts requests from them. Check them out at K1600Forum.com

6. This is kinda kool.. 128 Ways To Dump Your Bike from Dave Dragon's website..

7. For a very well done BMW K1200GT Oil Change With Pictures link....Click here..

8. Another one bites the dust.. Whether you choose to blame Bush or the Obama administration...or both.. things are still bleak for small businesses in the US.. We just got word from Matrix Motorsports that they are closing their doors as of 05/31/2011. No formal announcements have been made to the media, but a press release is forth coming.. We hate to hear this as they are one hell of a bunch of nice people to deal with. FYI.. Pirates Lair got all our Kriega products from them. What a shame...

9. More bad news... BMW Santa Cruz is Closed! Yesterday we had a message on our machine that BMW of Santa Cruz is closing their doors tomorrow. The message was from an employee who called letting us know that our current order with them has been cancelled and refunded. She apologized and added that the boss just showed up this am .. gathered the entire staff and told them..."Pack up all your stuff as tomorrow we'll not be re-opening... " Yikes!!! No warning and no hint (we were told) that it was coming. BMW of Santa Cruz is one of the largest dealers in the US... I'm kinda shocked. Another casualty of Obamanomics?...

10. BMW is now offering a failry decent looking tankbag for the BMW S1000RR.. Cost is $221 or so...

11. I feel like I should toss up a red flag to anyone thinking about doing biz with  Road Rocketeer  aka.. Gizmo Mill (run by Kevin Demers.) This guy is bad news. any way you look at it.. If you'll check the Canadian Better Biz Bureau you'll see many complaints about him and Gizmo Mill. One of them was filed by Pirates Lair. About a year or so ago they closed their doors owing many vendors $$ and vanished... Basically... they just ran away to do biz another day without the niggling burden of having to pay their bills or furnish products that had been paid for by their customers. What a concept! 

At one point we actually had the Canadian authorities call us hoping we could help them find them.  Not good.  I didn't even realize they were back in biz until a customer pointed out that their website is back up and running. Once I heard I emailed my former friend, Kevin to let him know that if we didn't get the money he ripped us for I'd be posting this warning to others.. Guess he didn't care.. No response. Deal with this company at your own peril... I hear they also sell Hoyt-Clagwell tractors on the side.

I actually wrote an unflattering, but honest piece on Road Rocketeer and their shenanigans in a recent newsletter... The Demise of Road Rocketeer aka Gizmo Mill!: How Not To Run a Business! Check it out.

Trust me!

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. Pirates Lair going green? Or just cheap bastages? I got a rare complaint last week from a customer who bought one of our GS backrests. He had just gotten the backrest and wanted to lodge a complaint. OK, I said.. "What is it you don't like about it?... He kinda stammered then said in a condescending tone.. "I haven't installed it and I don't intend to. I'm calling to complain about your packaging of the backrest!... The plastic bag used to cover the backrest was from a grocery store and the box it came in looks used. Very unprofessional." Rather than let him make me angry.. (he wouldn't like me if I was angry).. I held my tongue. Having sold over 15,000 backrests over the last 9 years, this was the first complaint on the actual packaging we use. I explained to this customer that while I'm NOT a green freak, I do try to re-use boxes and plastic bags when they are in good shape as IMHO.. that's fiscally responsible in these Obama times and logical. Yes.. I could order some foofoo fancy plastic bags with a Johnny Depp-ish pirate logo on them and yes.. that would look cool, but in the scheme of things I'd rather stay focused on the product itself and our #1 ranked customer service rather than the part of the order that most customers are going to throw in the trash within about oh. .. 20 seconds. The guy actually returned the backrest. O, well.. Just thought I'd mention this in case anyone else is wondering why we recycle plastic and/or cardboard materials. Are we "green"?.. hardly. Are we cheap bastages? You be the judge. Am I gonna change the way we do things because of this complaint?? What do you think?

You don't like my packaging?

2. We have an all new product section up for the Kawasaki Concours 14..

3. We just found out that the ZTechnik Storage Pod we've been selling for the BMW crowd works pretty darn good on the new Ducati Multistradas..Here's a spanktacular shot contributed by a very "old" friend of mine..Thx, Doug.

4. Last month I offered up a story I wrote about a road trip I had taken to find the grave of my grandmother not really knowing how my readers would respond.. Sentimental Journey... Remembering Polly. I got a lot of heartfelt feedback from the story and honestly.. I don't have the words to say how happy I am that my readers liked it. It had started out as a two-wheeled road-trip story, but ultimately evolved into something less motorcycle-related and into something more personal. After completion, I decided NOT be submit it to any magazines. However ...many suggested I should do just that. Since then I sent it to BMWON and within an hour I got a response from the editor telling me that while it's not exactly what they usually print.. they certainly wanted it for an upcoming issue. Have to admit.. I feel good about that fact that people will finally hear about my extraordinary grandmother... 70 years after her passing.. Thx, all.

5. New Product Alert! Good news for K1300S and K1300R owners with LED taillights who want them to FLASH. We now offer the 100% CanBus compatible Kisan LED Version Tailblazer to our quasi-esteemed customers. The factory LED taillight on the BMW K1300S or K1300R is brighter than non-LED taillights, but it still won't protect you from the texting teen in the cage behind you. You need to get their attention before you become a multi-colored grill ornament on their Escalade. The 100HD-MZ LED TailBlazer from Kisan rapidly flashes your LED taillight the instant you apply the brakes. The flash rate then slows down to a steady ON - this cycle lasts about 4 seconds. Install is chimp easy with just a single wire splice. Bottom line.. if you have a factory LED taillight.. this kit will rock your world and potentially save your life. Works only with the new BMW's with LED taillights. Fits the BMW K1300S, K1300R, F650GS, 2008-2010 F800GS, 2006-2010 F800S , 2009-2010 F800ST, 2009-2010 R1200GS Adventure, 2009-2010 R1200GS , 2008-2010 R1200S

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

6. If you've visited any of the K12/K13 chat sites you've probably heard the stories about those bikes overheating due to radiators getting clogged. The reason this is happening is the design of the BMW front fenders. While beautiful to look at, they allow the front tire to throw crap directly up into your radiator fins causing clogging and ultimately ..overheating. Here's one string on the subject at the worlds #1 BMW chat site.. www.I-BMW.com. Our Extenda Fenda will aid in stopping this from happening. Cheap insurance my friends.

7. MINI-TANKBAG SUPPLY WARNING! We just got word from Germany that the Verholen mini-tank bags that we've been selling for 8 years have been discontinued and no more are available. Period. Ain't dat a pisser!? Once these are marked out of stock, that's it .. However, even after all our bags are sold, I will keep this page operational until we sell the few sets of extra pins we have in stock.

8. We just learned that the Techmount BMW Control Mount we've been selling to the K1200S, K1200R, and GT guys/gals also fits perfectly on the BMW F800S. Thx, Rene.

9. If your BMW K1200RS has over 40K on the clock.. your factory shocks are as useless as tits on a boar and need to be replaced. Want to go faster on your favorite set of twisties? Forget about an exhaust and replace your shocks. It's the single most important improvement you can make to your bike. Pirates' Lair is proud to now offer Ohlins Suspension products for the 1998-2004 BMW K1200RS. Ohlins have long been the #1 choice for those who want a shock that delivers the ultimate in control and confidence for all types of riders and bikes. The dynamic relationship between rider and road is managed solely by a motorcycle’s suspension. Because of that, the feel, the feedback, and the fun of riding all depend on the quality of the suspension. Sold individually or as a combo. Fully rebuildable and come with a full 5 year warranty. Fits Front & Rear 1997-2004 BMW K1200RS only.

Click Here for Full Web Page.. If You Dare
10. The powers that be here at Pirates Lair.. i.e.. Amber has finally succeeded in dragging me into the 21st century. Pirates Lair now has a Facebook page.. Geezz.. Guess it was inevitable and unavoidable as a swollen prostate or a dead Bin Laden. I'll post new product updates daily (if I can remember) and Amber plans on making daily weather reports for riders coming into the area.. Would you be our friends? Stop in and say hello!! It'll make Amber happy.. She likes to be poked.
Poke me, please!

K12 / K13 Rally / Event News : 2011

2011 Blue Ridge Parkway K12 / K13 Rally: May 12-15, 2011

Where: Wattstull Inn, just north of Buchanan, Virginia
When: May 12th thru 15th, 2010 (Thur – Sun)

Call Wattstull Inn for reservations.
540-254-1551 / Mention: i-bmw group
SPECIFY ROOM TYPE - single, double, king

Blue Ridge Parkway info and maps can be found here and here

Alternate Lodging (info only) : Super 8 – Bedford or Days Inn – Bedford or Peaks of Otter Lodge


The 12th Annual Deals Gap K12 / K13 Rally: October 6-9th, 2011

Where: Fontana Village Resort
Nearest town: Robbinsville, NC
When: October 6th-9th, 2011 [Thur-Sunday]
Reservations: Direct 800.849.2258

30 lodge rooms w/ 2 queen beds/ns: $85+tax 7-10 2br cabins with 1 queen and 2 twin beds/kitchen/ns: $120+tax When calling, specify room or cabin. Lodge rooms are in the Garden units with parking outside the door. Cabins will be either the Laurel or Hemlock cabins. Reservations for blocked out rooms will end 45 days prior. Saavy? Be sure to mention i-bmw group when booking. Thx to my good buddy, Bert B for arranging this event!!

NOTE: I-bmw.com is not an official sponsor of any posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability.

Be there!!!


How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have a new contribution
this month. Check out # 157 contributed by Rob Kraft! Thx, bro. Could Rob's tip save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.. Remember.. we're all in this together.. so shave your legs.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-thousand page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

No new contributions
this month.
Picture at right Courtesy of Sports Illustrated photographer Walter Iooss, Jr. / Model: Ms Melissa Haro

Click For Larger Image.. If You Want a Chub..

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Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues