Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around every other month, when I deem you are worthy, we post our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

Warning: While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, liberal, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment.

FYI.. If you'd like to be notified when each new newsletter is posted, just email me with your request and I'll make that happen. Our email database is 100% secure. Stored in a lock box formerly owned by Al Gore. Never shared or sold to third parties. Never perused by the NSA. Your name and email address will be safe with us into infinity and beyond.

Prepare to be boarded!

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: July / August 2014 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the month.....

Commodus enters the arena. Maximus eyes an arrow in the dirt amongst the bloodied debris and kneels to pick it up. The gladiators follow Maximus' action and also kneel as Commodus approaches, instructing the gladiators to "Rise, rise." Lucius enters behind Commodus and Maximus looks disappointed. He does not want to attempt an attack on Commodus with the boy so close.

Commodus: Your fame is well deserved, Spaniard. I don't think there has ever been a gladiator to match you. As for this young man [Commodus cradling Lucius in front of him], he insists you are Hector reborn, or was it Hercules. Why doesn't the hero reveal himself and tell us all your real name. You do have a name...?
Maximus: My name is gladiator.
[Maximus slowly turns away from Commodus and begins to walk back to the other gladiators.]
Commodus: How dare you show your back to me. SLAVE! You will remove your helmet and tell me your name... [The Praetorian take a ready-stand, and the gladiators, without weapons, move forward ready to fight with Maximus. Maximus stops, takes a deep breath, removes his helmet, and turns to face Commodus.]
Maximus: My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius. Commander of the armies of the North, general of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor Marcus Aurelius, subscriber to the Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter, father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife, and I will have my vengeance in this life or the next.

Maximus.. Russell Crowe / Commodus.. Joaquin Phoenix / Gladiator 2000

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Picture Of The Month! Corsica, Sicily! (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our July/Aug POTM was contributed by our good friend Gijs van Dijk (aka.. Mo'Gas) of the Netherlands . He says of the shot... "This was shot on a trip to Sicily I have just returned from. This particular one was actually shot on the island of Corsica, which is the absolute God given paradise for motorcyclists. It was shot around mid day on a sunny afternoon in the tiny town of Serra-di-Scopamene. It was perfect riding weather, not too hot and not too cold. I shot this again with my Nikon D800 and a 14-24 super wide angle lens. I used a bit of fill flash to compensate for the harsh lighting conditions and processed in Lightroom and Photoshop. . "

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of a BMW K1200S, K1300S, K1200RS, K1200R, R Sport, S1000RR, K1600GT, GTL, or any model year K1200GT or K1300GT and B. In focus. C. No GS's for Gods sake.

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The 2014 I-BMW Rocky Mountain Rally: As Good As It Gets!

A few of years ago I joined a group of riders who were invited to Colorado as part of a recon mission to scout out a location of what would eventually be the I-BMW Rocky Mountain Rally. It was simply some of the best riding and best scenery I'd ever seen. Here's my write up of that event .. My Colorado Adventure... another Pirates Lair Ride Report. The gathering was the brain-child of my good buddy, Rob Gross.

This last weekend the 2014 Rocky Mountain Rally was again held in Gunnison, Colorado. How'd it turn out? I've heard nothing but raves from every attendee. Attendance looked up this year from the pics I've seen, although there seemed to be as many dual-purpose bikes as K-bikes this year. Wish I could have been there, but I'm still having to pick and choose which rallies I can attend due to the financial oppression of Obamanomics. Maybe next year.

If interested, I have posted as many rally pics as I could plunder..er.. accumulate from the I-BMW site in our Pirates Lair Photo Album. Look for them in the album cleverly entitled.. Rocky Mountain Rally 2014 A special thanks to everyone who contributed the great photos. Last but not least..a hardy pat on the back to Rob G. for making the rally happen. You da man!

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Fuel Strip Reimbursement From BMW! Money For Nothing and Your Strips For Free

I know many friends and customers who've had to replace the oem fuel strips on their late model BMWs. I replaced mine back in 2012 long after my warranty ran out. $100+ dollars out of my pocket and believe me.. I can think of better ways to spend my hard earned doubloons. I know a few friends who've had 3 or 4 fuel strips go bad. Ouch!! I was told by my dealer that the better the gas is... (read: cleaner and additive-free)... the longer the fuel strips will last. Great. That's basically worthless information. What's a guy supposed to do? Seek out specialty "green" gas every time he needs a fill up?

Just recently while perusing my favorite chat forum (I-BMW.com) I heard some juicy news. Not only has BMW improved on the new generation fuel strips but they are now offering a 12 year replacement warranty. Also...via all local dealers, BMW has just put a program in place to reimburse their customers for any out-of-pocket expenses incurred over the last few years related to replacing fuel strips. Warranty or not. To test this news I sent the following email to my dealer of choice.. Eurosport of Asheville

"I have a warranty question for you..... On Aug 30th, 2012 I had the fuel strip on my 2006 BMW K1200S go bad at 25,000 miles. I paid $119.50 to Eurosport to have it replaced.. I'm sure your service department has a record of the procedure. I don't have the receipt. Those things going bad has been a common problem with these bikes as you well know..Over the last few days I've heard from 3 customers (of Pirates Lair) who told me their dealers are now reimbursing them for fuel strips they had to pay out-of-pocket for over the last few years...! Thought I'd ask if you guys would make the same offer? or at least credit towards future purchases..... Think about it.. Let me know... "

Within an hour I got a response from Thomas (at Eurosport) saying that indeed, BMW had just set up a program to reimburse customers for fuel strip costs and I was the first locally to ask about it.. I thought for sure he'd want me to produce a receipt, my first born child, some naked pictures of Amber, and/or jump through other various hoops, but all he said was..." I'll check and get back with you." Three days later I had a check in my mailbox. Amazing! Wish everything were that easy..

With that said... if you've paid for replacement fuel strips in the past... all you have to do is ask and BMW will gleefully give you your money back. With or without a receipt, apparently. My public thanks go out to the good people at Eurosport of Asheville and the suits at BMW who sucked it up and did the right thing. That's the way you do it....

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2015 BMW K1300S Motorsport Special Edition!: "He's not quite dead yet..."

It seems that the demise of the BMW K1300S has been greatly exaggerated. At least for one more year. Just when everyone was expecting to hear.. "bring out your dead.."... the Germans throw us another curve.. The upcoming 2015 BMW K1300S Motorsport

Besides the special edition BMW colors, the K1300S Motorsport will arrive around August 1st this year with a lot of expensive add-ons. Usually a dead giveaway that it'll be the last year of production. On the other hand, a year ago I would have bet a BJ from my wife that 2014 would see the last K1300's rolling off the assembly line and if I had.. she'd be down on her knees today. It's simply impossible to predict what the Germans will do and I certainly didn't see this coming..

So what makes this special edition bike "special"? Besides the lofty price? The bike will come in 3 manly colors.. Black storm metallic, Light white, and Lupine blue metallic. Lupine? What the f#@* is Lupine? Also the following juicy bits... Tinted windshield...HP footrests for rider and passenger ...Lightweight HP wheels...and an Akrapovic slip-on canister. Everything else is standard K1300S equipment. Horsepower stays the same at 175.
The bike is being reported to sell for $19,500 Euros which translates to .. are you sitting.... $27, 000US...

I've owned my K1200S for almost 8 years now and I still love it.. There's nothing on the market I'd rather have and believe me I'm always looking... except the K1300S which is an all-around improved version of my bike. At some point in the not so distant future I'll probably own a K1300S, but as much as I like all the additions the 2015 Motorsport Special Edition has to offer.. $27K is simply too rich for my blood if that indeed is the final US price...


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The First Australian I-BMW.com Rally Scheduled: It's About Freakin' Time!

Its been at least 15 years since I-BMW became the gold standard for BMW motorcycle social media (chat) sites. All others pale in comparison. I've been attending I-BMW rallies since year one. In fact.. they are the only rallies I do attend. Originally they started out with only the Blue Ridge Parkway gathering in the spring.. Then came the late season Deals Gap Rally, which is celebrating 15 years this October. Over the last few years they've added the THC Rally (Texas), SGR Rally (California), AHR Rally (Arkansas), KHCR Rally (Kentucky), and most recently.. the RMR Rally (Colorado). Each offers spanktacular riding and unparalleled camaraderie with like minded individuals.. which is kinda scary when you really think abut it.. but I digress.

Word up! I just heard that finally after all these years the first ever Australian I-BMW Rally has been scheduled for March 14-15-16th, 2015. Unlike our US I-BMW rallies, the Australian get together will be a riding rally with 3 days of serious riding followed by nights in different locations. .

Want to fly in and and ride? No worries. Motorcycle rentals are available out of Sydney and Melbourne with quite a few BMW's on the menu. Costs are about $200-300+ a day plus insurance, deposit etc ...According the the organizer (KiwiMat at I-BMW) Australia offers some of the best riding in the world.. All rally details including detailed maps showing the daily routes, lodging, etc... can be found at I-BMW.com

What's New In the BMW No-Spin Zone

I should note that as the K1200RS and first generation K1200GT have been discontinued, I receive less and less news of any new products for them.. I mention this as a few semi-loyal subscribers have accused me of abandoning our roots.. Not true.. I only report what's going on.. Don't shoot the messenger.. I will NEVER abandon the K1200RS crowd. It appears that the times.. they are a changin.' Deal with it. Also.. a special thx to www.I-BMW.com, www.K-Bikes.com , and www.BMWK1200S.com for the information & pictures I regularly pilfer from these sites..

1. 2015 S1000RR News: Just heard that the 2015 RR will receive it's biggest upgrade since it's 2009 introduction. Expect a totally redesigned frame around a revised version of the existing engine. Much of the technology from the current S1000RR HP4. including DDC semi-active suspension, will be transferred to the new S1000RR.

2. 2015 S1000XR News: The designation has been confirmed.. The upcoming XR will be a halfway point between the S1000RR and the R1200GS. Lets hope it doesn't inherit the GS' s butt-ugliness... but I digress... The bike will come with a supremely comfortable riding position with higher, wider bars and that engine which should put it's competition to shame.

3. 2015 R1200R News: While I usually don't include news on many of the twins as that's not our niche... This is interesting... The 2015 water-cooled R1200Rbike will dump the Telelever front end in favor of conventional upside-down telescopic forks.. Many will hate this... many others (including myself) think this is a great idea... Lighter, better feel, better looking, longer lasting erections..

2015 S1000XR

4.. Confirmed by my dealership. On the 2005-2013 R and K-bikes that contain a film type fuel level sender, the limited BMW warranty has been extended from 3 to 12 years without mileage limitation, as determined from the original in-service date.

5. For our Oklahoman readers.. here's some good news... There's a new dealership in town, pardner... Welcome to BMW Motorcycles of Oklahoma City which opened their doors on June 21st....

6. While I am fortunate enough to never have to ride in traffic... many do. For those unfortunate souls.... this may or may not be helpful..“Survival Tips for Riding in City Traffic" offered by the Fix.com website. This article was written by Domingo Chang.. a motorcycle enthusiast and Examiner.com's Colorado Motorcycle Travel Examiner. He has also been published in the BMW Owners Association Magazine. Worth a look if you're an urban rider.

7. If you've been wanting illuminated roundels for your BMW... rather than buy those cheapies off ebay... you might want to check out 360Signals.net. I'm told they are better quality than others and they are Can-Bus compliant and do double duty as turn signals. Sweet!

8. 2015 BMWs : Press Release from Germany: Here's a link to an official BMW press release posted a little over a week ago.. It doesn't include all the BMW's but plenty of new (at least to me) info on the changes to some of the current bikes.. Oddly.. not a word about the S1000RR or R nor nothing about the upcoming S1000XR.. All the specs are up top... if you scroll to the bottom there are lots of pics of the 2015 bikes...

9. For K1600 owners who were born with a really, really small penis... here's something that will help you compensate... Check out the the 6 in 2 in 6 Exhaust from German company www.Hattech.de. Cost (pre-shipping & customs) is a lofty $2700US for the slip-ons.. As my German is only slightly better than my swahili, I can't determine much more info than the price. There are a few more pics over at the K-Bikes chat site. Dem wacky Germans. Nothing succeeds like excess.

10. Here's something potentially revolutionary in the motorcycling world.. Check this out.. Spray-On Chrome - Jay Leno's Garage or you can buy the product here...ChromeSolutions.de

11. You've got to give credit to the Germans to come up with something like this... Check out Verholen's MV Flexible Rider's Footrest - 908649. Basically.. it's an adjustable footpeg kit that allows you to raise or lower the pegs by over 2" in virtually seconds without tools. Here's a video.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=_jLnSOHhFCg They offer these for the following bikes. BMW S1000RR, K1200S, R + Sport, K1300S and R, K1600GT and GTL, all R1200RT models, K1200GT 2006+ and K1300GT. Price is around $408US. We'll probably NOT carry these on the Pirates Lair menu, but we'd be glad to special order them if any of our readers are interested....

How Small Is Your Penis?

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. There are a few incontrovertible truths in the universe... One is that the oem K1200S taillight is an abomination to all things great and small.. So visually offensive that even the blind cringe and speak in tongues when walking by one..The Germans wised up pretty quickly after all the endless complaints from both consumers and moto-journalists and came up with a new design. When the K1300S was unveiled the world got to see an all new spectacularly beautiful LED taillight. Night and day difference. Arguably the prettiest tail light I've ever seen. The question is.. can the K1300S taillight be installed on the K1200S?? Up until recently... No.. not without Steven Hawking doing the install. That's about to change... Expect a plug-n-play wiring harness from Pirates Lair within the month.. Woohoo!

2. For the 2014 R1200GSW and R1200RT riders out there who plan on changing and balancing their own tires... We now have Marc Parnes Wheels Balance Kits for these bikes... Both for the cast wheels and the spokes..

No more baboon ass for me..

3. Starting this week.. we can get the new ZTechnik VStream windshields for the F800GT. They use stock mounting points with additional mounting hardware to ensure a secure mount. ZTechnik's engineers finely crafted the edges of this windshield, designed to fit the fairing perfectly. We offer three different sizes and tints, to properly fit F800GT riders of all sizes. We'll NOT have these listed on the website... If interested just email me for pics and or pricing.

4. Your choices of exhaust systems for the venerable BMW K1200RS just got smaller... Remus just discontinued their Carbon Fiber Revolution (oval) system and both the Titanium and Aluminum Innovation (round) canisters. As of this week there are only 2 choices now available in all the universe for the 1998-2004 K1200RS and 2002-2004 K1200GT.. The Remus Titanium and/or Aluminum Revolution systems.

5. We get a lot of requests for front lighting kits for the BMW K1200S and K1300S. Other than HID kits (which we do sell) and those butt-ugly Motolights (which we don't sell).. there are few K- bike specific kits on the market. FYI.. I'm working with the people at CustomLED.com on just such a kit that will light up the front or rear blinkers on these bikes turning them into permanent running lights and still functioning as turn signals. Had hoped for a plug-n-play kit but we're not sure that's possible yet due to some weirdness with the oem BMW connectors. Imagine that.. I'm installing a prototype kit on my own bike this next week. Expect a full report in our our next cheese-filled newsletter.

6. Our R1200GSW Stealth Backrest project is finally in 6th gear. We've just ordered a 1/2 dozen pre-production test units to send out into the field. Our testers will spend about a week or so road testing and evaluating and if all goes as expected.. they'll go straight into production. I've got a stack of pre-orders an inch thick so this should be one of our best sellers if early interest is any indication. Full details and pics should be in our next newsletter. If you are interested in one of these.. email me and I'll put your name on our notification list. There will be no obligation to buy.. I'll just keep you in the loop.

7. We've been selling the R & G Racing Tail Tidy for a few years now for the BMW S1000RR.... Just this week we got word that it will also fit the S1000R and the 2014 HP4... When you absolutely, positively want to have the best looking ass around.. well second only to Jessica Alba's..... Look no further..

8. As per our last newsletter,... German-made Wilbers Shocks are back on the menu.... We already have pages up for the 1998-2004 BMW K1200RS and 2002-2004 K1200GT and 1999 and later K1200LT and the 2005-2008 BMW K1200S, K1200R/ K1200R Sport, and 2009+ K1300S / K1300R. Remember.. if your oem shocks have 35-40K+ on them, they are toast. As useless as Joe Biden at a Mensa conference. Is your bike feeling kinda old and lazy in the turns? Are you blowing lines that you remember effortlessly nailing in the past? We feel your pain.. Time for new shocks. Period. And we're here for you with full packages and support..

R & G Racing Tail Tidy for the S1000R

I-BMW Rally Event News : 2014
NOTE: I-bmw.com is not an "official" sponsor of any of the following posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

The 15th Annual I-BMW Deals Gap Rally: October 2-5th, 2014

Where: Fontana Village Resort
Nearest town: Robbinsville, NC
When: October 2nd-5th, 2014 [Thur-Sunday]
Reservations: Direct 800.849.2258

Geezz. Have we been doing this for 14 years? I've had marriages that didn't last that long. I have negotiated the same room prices for 2014 as last year. Rooms w/ 2 queen beds/ns: $85+tax - 6 2br cabins with 1 queen and 2 twin beds/kitchen/ns: $159+tax. Call 800-849-2258 option 1. (If you are booking a room, remember to request the main lodge.) Cabins will be Azalea cabins. Reservations for blocked out rooms will end 45 days prior. Saavy? Be sure to mention i-bmw group when booking. Amber and I will be there. Neither of us will be wearing panties.

...and don't forget... Pirates Lair will be offering your choice of either Pirates Lair Plundering hats, Pirates Lair tees, or $25 gift cards to anyone who achieves a "velocity award" while in transit to or from or at the rally itself.. If we don't reward bad behavior... who else will?? Arrrrrrg.

Be there!!!
I-BMW DGR Group Notice 8/2: The block of rooms I reserved and our group discount expired on 8/2... Meaning... the resort is NOT holding them for us any more and regular pricing now applies. DOH! As most of you know.. the resort is ALWAYS sold out for the week we choose as leaf peepers come from all over.. as well as the Crossfire car rally which holds their event there the same weekend... If you are planning on attending the aforementioned 15th Deals Gap I-BMW Rally and staying with the rest of us at the Fontana Lodge October 2-5, 2014 ... you should book ASAP in order to secure a room or cabin. Consider yourself forewarned.

I-BMW Rally Event News : 2015

The First 2015 Australian I-BMW Rally: March 14-16th, 2015

Where: Meet Friday arvo/evening the 13th of March at Jingellic Pub/Hotel
Address: 3149 River Road Jingellic, NSW 2642
Nearest town: Jingellic, New South Wales
When: March 14-16th, 2015 (Arrive on and meet Fri )
Reservations: Tel: 02 6037 1290

All rally details including detailed maps showing the daily routes, lodging, etc... can be found at I-BMW.com Motorcycle rentals are available out of Sydney and Melbourne with quite a few BMW's on the menu. Costs are about $200-300+ a day plus insurance, deposit etc. The tentative (and fluid) plan is for 3 days riding together through and around the snowy mountains. This rally will make I-BMW history... and it's been a long time coming.. Be a part of (hopefully) a new tradition.. and watch out for the 'roos.

2015 I-BMW KHCR: Aug. 6-9th, 2015

Where: Blue Licks Battlefield State Park
Address: 10299 Maysville Rd, Carlisle, KY 40311
Nearest town: Maysville, Ky
When: Aug. 6,7,8, and 9 (Arrive on Thur, play Fri and Sat and depart Sun )
Reservations: 800 443-7008

For reservations call 800 443-7008. There is a restaurant on the grounds. The rooms will be held until July 7. The site is roughly 15 miles South of Maysville Ky on us 68. It is 42 miles North of Lexington Ky on us 68. It is 78 miles East of Cincinnati Ohio. 114 miles East of Louisville Ky and 104 miles West of Huntington W.Va. Ridge land abounds with nice roadways and long views.

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How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have no new contributions this month. Our last safe riding tip # 163 was sent in by Dwight Manuel of Asheville, NC!
Thx, bro. Could his tip save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

We have a 3 new contributions this month.. Check out
Chimp Easy How-To Install Nautilus Air Horn on BMW K1300S and Definitive Guide to Accessory Rear Lighting for the K12/1300S.. both contributed by Leo Stemp. Our 3rd was contributed by Massive Lee (a moderator over at I-BMW.com) from Montreal, Canada. Check out his Changing Bulbs for LEDs in the K1200RS Instrument Cluster Thx, gentlemen.

Courtesy of Sports Illustrated photographer Walter Iooss, Jr. / Model: Ms Melissa Haro

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues