Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around every other month, when I deem you are worthy, we post our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

Warning: While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, liberal, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment.

FYI.. If you'd like to be notified when each new newsletter is posted, just email me with your request and I'll make that happen. Our email database is 100% secure. Stored in a lock box formerly owned by Al Gore. Never shared or sold to third parties. Never perused by the NSA. Your name and email address will be safe with us into infinity and beyond.

Bad Santa

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: December 2013 Issue : Happy Holidays!

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the month.....

The family car has broken down in the snow with a flat tire. Ralphie Parker, at the urging of his mother, reluctantly gets out to help "the old man" change the tire. Mr Parker assigns him the simple task of taking care of the lug nuts...He carefully puts them in one of the hubcaps for safe keeping. Somehow, someway the hubcap goes flying, throwing the lug nuts to the wind. Without thinking Ralphie's mouth opens and....

Ralphie: Oooh fuuudge!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said THE word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!
Mr. Parker: [stunned] *What* did you say?
Ralphie: Uh, um...
Mr. Parker: That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. Go on!
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.
Back at home......
Mother: All right. Now, are you ready to tell me where you heard that word?
Ralphie as Adult: [narrating] Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium; a master. But, I chickened out and said the first thing that came to mind.
Ralphie: The Cheesy Pirates Lair Newsletter!

Ralphie .. Peter Billingsley / Mother... Melinda Dillon / Mr Parker..Darren McGavin / A Christmas Story (1983)

Oooh fuuudge!

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Picture Of The Month! Fall Colors In Massachusetts! (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our December POTM was contributed by BruceV of Easthampton, Ma . He says of the shot... "Pic was taken on Rte. 112 in Huntington, MA around 3:30 p.m. I took the pic with my LG G2 cell phone. I was thinking about the weather changing and how much I'm going to hate parking the bikes. A changing of seasons and how fast my mood goes from light to dark during that time. ."

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of a BMW K1200S, K1300S, K1200RS, K1200R, R Sport, S1000RR, K1600GT, GTL, or any model year K1200GT or K1300GT and B. In focus. C. No GS's for Gods sake.

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What Men Really Want for Christmas: Pirates Lair Gift Cards, Tees, Hats!

Through the years we've gotten more requests for Pirates Lair gift cards, tees, and hats than anything else except perhaps naked pictures of Amber. Who are we to deny the masses? Pirates' Lair again is offering Pirates Lair Gift Cards this holiday season in a number of denominations to fit your congressionally pummeled budget. From $25 to $300! Our standard sized plastic gift card is sleek, stylish, and professionally made. And no.. it doesn't look anything like the babe at right although that's NOT a bad idea. Whip it out (the card, that is) and you will garner respect and admiration from not only your peers, but also the less fortunate around you. And yes... we are also offering our newly printed, limited edition long sleeve Pirates Lair Plundering Tees and Hats this holiday season!

Like buying underwear or choosing a hooker, buying motorcycle accessories is a very personal thing. Simply guessing what your favorite rider actually needs/wants/desires for his ride is a hit or miss proposition. Rather than putting yourself in the embarrassing situation of getting the wrong thing or worse.. something that he or she hates and has to return... you can't go wrong with one of our waaaay cool Pirates Lair Gift Cards. Ladies.. these are perfect for the holidays, birthdays, weddings, promotions, or just a way of saying.. "Honey.. I'm sorry I slept with your brother." Remember.. nothing says.. "I love you" or "I'm sorry" to a man like shiny plastic or I suppose.. an unexpected BJ.. One that doesn't involve begging, cash, or undercover police officers.

Included with every Pirates Lair Gift Card is a single-fold, greeting card style gift card holder with a folded/glued pocket inside for easy gift card insertion and removal. And that's not all! We also include a small matching envelope. Folded size: 4 3/4" x 3 3/8" Actual cost of each card is $5 to cover cost of card, holder, envelope package, and insured shipping inside the US. For instance.. a $25 gift card will cost $30 to your door. Saavy? Foreign orders are welcome. Happy Holidays!

I got what you want!!

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Laser Exhausts!! We're Done With Them! Incompetence Congress Can Aspire To!

One would think I'd be used to disappointment... Barry is still president. Our country is divided and headed toward socialism. Business is still down 50%. I lost my retirement money when the economy collapsed. Haven't had a vacation in years. Just lost my doctor of 10 years due to Obamacare and just today I heard the Jonas Brothers were breaking up. What else could possibly go wrong? That's a rhetorical question, btw.

About a year ago I got the contract as lone US importer of Laser Exhausts (based out of the Netherlands). Woohoo!! They seemed excited to get back into the US market and I was gonna do my best to make that happen. I was counting on this venture to pull Pirates Lair back from the financial brink and maybe.. just maybe.. put us back in the black... I spent weeks designing web pages around their product... Spent thousands of dollars in advertising... Took days arranging the complicated banking/wire transfer payments to the Netherlands and almost 2 weeks arranging shipping via UPS from the Netherlands.. Now, after only one year, I'm dropping their products from the menu and severing all ties with the company. Why? Where do I begin?...

* Deep calming breath..* From the very beginning I had some misgivings. Just after the ink had dried on our agreement, my emails with important marketing and logistical questions to Laser rep Anton Korvor started to go unanswered.. Communication got slower and slower. Getting answers to simple questions like.. "Can you add instructions to each box?".. and "Can your people install the silencers BEFORE shipping?" ...and.."Did you receive my current order?" and... "Do you understand the words coming out of my mouth?" went from taking days to weeks.. I've had Caribbean waiters that were more attentive.. Comparatively.. every other vendor I deal with from Canada to Germany to Australia responds to emails within 12-24 hours.. No exceptions. The situation was getting so bad that I found myself losing sleep (and probably hair) over it. Just when my frustration was reaching Defcon 3... they threw me a knuckleball of epic proportions...

Out of the blue they informed me that from now on... I'd be placing all my orders with a Ms Shu Xu and I'd need to arrange wire transfers and product pick-up in CHINA. WTF!!?? Let me reiterate... CHINA??!! I reminded them that not one month earlier it had taken weeks to set up banking and pick-ups in the Netherlands and they knew that. Now they are telling me the product is actually made in China AND I'll have to make all new procurement arrangements from another country? No explanations.. No apologies followed. Upon hearing this.... I immediately lost my erection.

Hoping to not lose out on this financial lifeline I again arranged all new banking protocols as per the Chinese' demands and again negotiated with UPS for pick-up from another country. Two months later we got one shipment from China. Things went down hill from there.. The Chinese totally disregarded all our shipping arrangements with UPS and chose to ship via their own method using their own people which cost us hundreds of dollars. They offered no explanations. No apologies.

When I took my case to Anton Korvor, Cees Goudswaard, or Michel Bosschaart (essentially all the suits at Laser).. I got nothing but silence. Not even a contemptuous.. "Go fuck yourself, yankee American." Then .... communication stopped altogether. After repeated email and fax attempts over a two month period... Nothing but silence. Is this really happening? I felt like I was in a M. Night Shyamalan movie and some major "truth" or revelation would be revealed at any moment explaining everything... but I got nuthin.'..

So what is a vendor to make of all this? Obviously they were being deceitful to both me and the public from day one on the manufacturing origins of their product. Nowhere on the paperwork, on the product, on their website, or on any Laser packaging will you find the words "Made in China. " That is not by accident. This is how they roll. It's a planned deception. Ironically, they could have been up front with me from the beginning and I'd have been OK with that. I'm not averse to buying and selling products made in China. I am, however, averse to someone lying to my fucking face and allowing me to put all the time, effort, and money into selling their product and then treating me like their homeless crackhead cousin, Svein.. Time to bail.

With the lone exception of Congress, the Laser staff seems to be the most dysfunctional bunch of people I've witnessed. Deceitful.. Apathetic.. Incompetent.. If this is their business model and if they treat other vendors like this.. how do they stay in business? It's an enigma and I'll not speculate. I've already wasted enough time and brain cells on this misadventure. Decision made, I notified them in early November that I've had enough of their bullshit and that their products are off our menu. No response. I also provided them a link to this public write up.. I hope they consider it a heartfelt Christmas offering from the USA.. Perhaps I'll get a card in return.

Lastly.. I'd like to offer up a public apology to Robert Foster (FosterRadd) who was the previous US importer of Laser. A few years ago we tried to get Lasers from him and ran into problem after problem after problem. I had assumed Robert was simply a poor businessman and have said so publicly on many occasions. I now suspect that the majority of those issues were not caused by Robert, but rather by the Eurotards running Laser. Such extreme levels of incompetence doesn't develop over night. I'm guessing Laser's poor business practices have been percolating for years. I'll surmise that they put him through the same ringer that they put us through. I've never met Robert and have no idea if he's a good businessman or not, but it's clear to me now that my assumptions of him were probably wrong and my public questioning of his competence.. unwarranted. I apologize Robert.

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Product Review Follow-Ups: Year End Closure and Reflection for 2013

Over the past year I've done quite a few product reviews. As we all know.. opinions can and do change after we've used something for a while. . Sometimes for the better.. sometimes for the worse. Wife # 3 comes to mind, but I digress. Thought I'd wrap up the year's last cheesy newsletter with some final thoughts..

Follow-Up: Tour Master Synergy 2.0 Heated Vest Jan/Fed 2013 In our Jan 2013 newsletter I wrote of my then new Tourmaster Synergy Heated Vest. I had just bought it as a replacement for a 15 year old, worn out Widder vest and at the time of the write up I had minimal road time with it. My review was virtually all positive. Fast heat-up, not bulky, comfortable, etc. Since then I've used it a few dozen times and my opinion hasn't changed. If I had it to do over again .. I'd look no further than this Tour Master product. If anything, it's grown a little more pliable which makes it even more comfortable. Diggety

Follow-Up: Michelin Pilot Power 3's July / Aug 2013 As many of you know, I go through tires like Steven Tyler goes though scarves. My goal? Finding that elusive of all creatures... A street tire that offers a reasonable balance between cost, longevity, and ultimate stick. Virtually all the tires I've tested through the years have come up short in one way or another. Some close.. some not even. My initial review of the PP3's in our July 2012 issue was both optimistic and promising. Now after months of diligent testing under both legal and quasi-legal conditions... the results are in. At least for my riding style, they appear to be the closest I've ever come to the"perfect" tire... I still can not say how many miles I'll squeeze out of them, but they are on track to be the longest lasting "sport tire" I've ever used and yet.... the grip is exemplary. Faultless. The stuff of legends. Merci, Michelin. They've got my vote as best "sport / sport-touring" tire on the market.

Ginger? or MaryAnn?

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2014 S1000R Revealed!.. She's Naked and Sexy!

Here's the naked/streetfighter version of the S1000RR many have been waiting for. The juicy news... 456lbs/207kg Wet, 160hp with more low to mid range grunt. The new naked bike from BMW Motorrad is directly derived from the S1000RR and uses the same technology. While I'm not a big fan of naked bikes.. I have to admit.. this one gives me a chub. You'll find more pics and info over at www.I-BMW.com

Highlights of the new BMW S1000R:
-Liquid-cooled 999 cc four-cylinder in-line engine. Max. power (160 hp) at 11,000 rpm, max. torque 112 Nm (approx. 83 ft-lb) at 9,250 rpm.
-456lbs weight with full fuel tank
-Standard-fitted Race ABS for superior braking performance and safety.
-Standard-fitted ASC (Automatic Stability Control) for safe acceleration on surfaces with variable grip.
-Longer lasting erections.
-Choice of two standard, rider-selectable riding modes, “Rain” and “Road”.
-Optional Dynamic Traction Control DTC including Riding mode Pro maximizes both riding enjoyment and active safety in all road situations
.-Optional Riding mode Pro comprising two additional riding modes – “Dynamic” and “Dynamic Pro” – for road and track use.
-Full synchronisation of Race ABS, ASC/ DTC, DDC and engine management

If Erection Lasts Over 4 Hours.. Call More Women!

What's New In the BMW No-Spin Zone

I should note that as the K1200RS and first generation K1200GT have been discontinued, I receive less and less news of any new products for them.. I mention this as a few semi-loyal subscribers have accused me of abandoning our roots.. Not true.. I only report what's going on.. Don't shoot the messenger.. I will NEVER abandon the K1200RS crowd. It appears that the times.. they are a changin.' Deal with it. Also.. a special thx to www.I-BMW.com, www.K-Bikes.com , and www.BMWK1200S.com for the information & pictures I regularly pilfer from these sites..

1. Those who missed the 2013 I-BMW Deals Gap Rally should be kicking themselves in the cajones... not an easy thing to do, btw.. The weather was perfect.. the riding sublime.. the crowd fun.. the women loose. Rather than whining about what could have been.. you might want to start thinking about next year's event which I've already arranged for October 2nd-4th, 2014 at the Fontana Village Resort near Robbinsville, NC. This year, all rooms were booked and many had to scramble to get rooms at nearby motels. I signed the contract with the Fontana Resort on 10/15 so everything is all set up for our group of misfits to start calling and making reservations. FYI.. yes.. I got the same rates as last year. Just call 800-849-2258 (option 1) and tell them you are with the I-BMW group and please remember to request the main lodge so we can stay together unless you prefer a cabin.. See full 2014 DGR rally details and booking information in rally section below.

2. 2014 MotoGP calendar revealed! Qatar’s Losail International Circuit will kick off proceedings with the annual evening race before MotoGP heads to Austin, Texas for the second time. Argentina will be on the race schedule for the first time since 1999, with the newly-built Termas de Rio Hondo circuit, whereas Brasilia joins with a September slot. The total number of Grands Prix now increases from 18 to 19.

3. We just heard that Michelin has launched their latest advertising campaign for their latest, greatest new touring tire in the Pilot Road 4 including a GT version for the K16 series BMWs. It's supposed to be better than the legendary PR3s. Longer life... Better grip in the wet.. Longer lasting erections. Who could ask for more? It's supposed to be available early in 2014.

4. There's a 6 into 6 Exhaust for the K1600GT being produced by German company.. www.Hattech.de. Price hasn't been posted yet. More pictures of it can be found here.. Looks interesting..

5. Here's a last minute idea for an inexpensive Christmas present.. FYI.. I never ride without wearing a helmet liner inside my helmet.. NEVER.. and the best one on the market is the Wick-It Helmet Liner made by 2UpTouring.com. Now through Friday,12/6/2013 they are offering 25% off your entire order. USE COUPON CODE: SANTA2 in your shopping cart. I actually did a review of this helmet liner in our July 2012 Issue.

6. I don't know about you, but I've always wanted to ride in Ireland.. Under this president that's probably not gonna happen for Amber and myself, but a boy can dream. If we could I'd book with Celtic Rider. Apparently these guys have the best game around and have the street creds to back it up. They just won the 2013 National Small Firms association "Outstanding Small Business Award" and the 2013 Fingal Enterprise Awards. No idea how prestigious those awards are, but it sounds like they are doing something right.. They rent bikes and offer tours. Sweet! Located just 15 minutes from Dublin city and Dublin Airport, Celtic Rider Motorcycle Rental & Tours Ireland is officially approved by Tourism Ireland and Failte Ireland. Check them out.. and please.. no Lucky Charms jokes. They don't even sell them there.

7. Not happy with the oem seat on your new K1600GTL or GT?? We hear it a lot and apparently so has Sargent Seats.. Check out their BMWK 1600 GT / GTL World Sport Performance Seat. The new seat has been engineered from the bottom up to increase the width of the riding platform by over 20%. This larger seating area provides greater comfort without compromising the riding experience and maneuverability. It is available with an optional adjustable backrest for both the passenger AND the pilot, two different seat heights, and plug-in heat to keep the nuggets toasty. Not sure if it's available yet, but a quick phone call should fill in all the blanks.1-800-749-7328 Toll Free USA .

8. Have you seen the all new 2014 R1200RT ? Bike has a number of cues from the K16 including the headlight and the side cases. Overall gives a wider look than the previous RT. I don't like the massive, GoldWing look, but what do I know?

BMWK 1600 GT / GTL World Sport Performance Seat

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. During the month of December, Pirates Lair will be giving away a Free Pirates Lair Kickstand Pad with each order to every customer currently serving in the military... If you are on active duty, just ask and you shall receive. You will NOT see these on our website. They are made of a black thermoplastic with our Pirates Lair logo emblazoned on them. This is the first time we've offered freebies in our newsletter and we hope our service men and women around the world take us up on the offer. This is our humble way of saying "Thank you for all you do, soldier..."

2. For those of you with ADD.. as per the blurb above.. Pirates Lair in no longer the US /importer distributor for Laser Exhausts of the Netherlands. We discontinued them recently due to poor customer service. We could only put up with so much bulls#*... and they crossed the line.

3. Just a reminder... For the last 12 years I've collected photos of bikes, rallies, events, vacations, babes, etc and have uploaded all of them to the Pirates Lair Photo Gallery hosted by SmugMug. I have dozens of albums there for public viewing and/or downloading. Our "Wall of Shame" album seems to get the most hits.. Enjoy.

4. If you own a BMW K1200R or K1200R Sport and have been looking for a Carbon Fiber Bellypan... you've probably discovered that there's not much out there.. Until now.. Check out this new for 2014 piece from Pyramid Plastics. If you thought your only options were those butt ugly metal abominations or painted fiberglass... you were wrong, bukko! I love the flowing, curvaceous design which, IMHO softens the rough edged look of the bike. No mods necessary. Simple bolt on. We now have them listed on our menu as a special order item.

5. We just got confirmation that our Kawasaki Concours 14 and Yamaha FJR 1300 Stealth Backrests will fit the 2014 model year bikes..

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

6. We just got a shipment of LONG SLEEVE Pirates Lair Plundering tees just in time for the cold months ahead and the holidays. The XXLarge tees also make wonderful sleepwear for your rug rats or that special person in your life. Also good for covering up back hair and/or aging tattoos. Guaranteed to get you laid more often.*
* Does not work on married or GS riders.

7. About a month ago, we started selling the Remus Hexacone "Shortie" Slip-Ons for the BMW K1300GT, K1200S, K1200R, K1200R Sport, and 2006-08 BMW K1200GT. IMHO.. it's the best looking exhaust available for the K1200S. At the time we didn't have any pictures of the little beauty installed on a bike.. We do now.. Here's the first shot sent in by Bill Gray.. Sweet!! Thx, Bill.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

I-BMW Rally Event News : 2014

The 15th Annual I-BMW Deals Gap Rally: October 2-5th, 2014 NEW!

Where: Fontana Village Resort
Nearest town: Robbinsville, NC
When: October 2nd-5th, 2014 [Thur-Sunday]
Reservations: Direct 800.849.2258

Geezz. Have we been doing this for 14 years? I've had marriages that didn't last that long. I have negotiated the same room prices for 2014 as last year. Rooms w/ 2 queen beds/ns: $85+tax - 6 2br cabins with 1 queen and 2 twin beds/kitchen/ns: $159+tax. Call 800-849-2258 option 1. (If you are booking a room, remember to request the main lodge.) Cabins will be Azalea cabins. Reservations for blocked out rooms will end 45 days prior. Saavy? Be sure to mention i-bmw group when booking. Amber and I will be there. Neither of us will be wearing panties.

...and don't forget... Pirates Lair will be offering your choice of either Pirates Lair Plundering hats, Pirates Lair tees, or $25 gift cards to anyone who achieves a "velocity award" while in transit to or from or at the rally itself.. If we don't reward bad behavior... who else will?? Arrrrrrg.

Be there!!!

NOTE: I-bmw.com is not an official sponsor of any posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

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How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have no new contributions this month. Our last safe riding tip # 163 was sent in by Dwight Manuel of Asheville, NC!
Thx, bro. Could his tip save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

We have a new contribution for December. A perfect way to end the year. Check out the
How-To Install an Air Filter Replacement on K1600 contributed by Sir Joe Phelan. Thx, buddy.

Picture at right Courtesy of Sports Illustrated photographer Walter Iooss, Jr. / Model: Ms Melissa Haro

Click For Larger Image.. If You Want a Chub..

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Guess that kinda wraps this one up. This will be the last communiqué for 2013. It's been a challenging year for Amber and I (and Pirates' Lair) thanks to the Obama regime, but we survived another year. Who knows what the future will bring. Amber and I appreciate everyone's help, advice, encouragement, and occasional naked pics throughout this past year. Best wishes to you all for a prosperous 2014...

In spite of what the far left ACLU would like us to say, we sincerely hope that you and yours (no matter what bike you ride and/or religion) have a a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Remember if you're gonna drink...stop by here and of course... leave the bike at home... For our secularist customers... Happy Winter Season.

For the US troops serving all over the world thank you for everything you are doing for us and our country. Godspeed, soldier.

Take care.. ride safe...stay warm.. watch out for flying reindeer...see you in the New Year..

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues