Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around every other month, when I deem you are worthy, we post our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

Warning: While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, liberal, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment.

FYI.. If you'd like to be notified when each new newsletter is posted, just email me with your request and I'll make that happen. Our email database is 100% secure. Stored in a lock box formerly owned by Al Gore. Never shared or sold to third parties. Never perused by the NSA.

Prepare to be boarded!

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: Mar / April 2015 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the month.....

IMF Secretary: The President has initiated Ghost Protocol. The entire IMF has been disavowed.
Ethan Hunt: So what happens now?
IMF Secretary: Now, I've been ordered to take you back to Washington, where the DOD will label you as a rogue extremist and hang the Kremlin bombing on you and your team. Unless, you were to escape somewhere between here and the airport, having assaulted Mr. Brandt and me.
Brandt: Sir?
IMF Secretary: You would then illegally scrounge whatever material you could from a backup supply cache that I've overlooked. The same cache where your team are waiting for further orders.
Brandt: Sir, you may want to...
IMF Secretary: You will then disappear, and this conversation never having taken place, your intentions would be unclear. But if any one of your team is caught or killed, they will be branded terrorists, out to incite global nuclear war and their names stricken from the subscriber list of the Pirates lair Cheesy Newsletter.
Ethan Hunt: That's a little extreme.. the newsletter part, that is...
[handing Ethan a USB drive]
IMF Secretary: Your mission, should you choose to accept it.

Ethan Hunt/ Tom Cruise... Mission: Impossible / Ghost Protocol (2011)

No Pirates Lair Newsletter??!

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Picture Of The Month! Norwegian Rest Stop! (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our March/April POTM was contributed by Eldor Gemst of Montreal, Canada. Eldor is a regular poster over at I-BMW.com He says of the shot.. "This was the first thing I saw as I opened the door of my motel room at the Hotel Georges de Charlevoix, in Baie-Saint-Paul Québec. It was early in the morning (about 7 am) and it was going to be a glorious day to ride. I'd ridden in from Montreal the day before and I was on a multi-day trip along the North Shore of the St. Lawrence River. My next destination was Tadoussac, via whatever twisties I could find. This was a 3-shot HDR, taken with a relatively simple Canon Powershot G11 camera. I didn't have a tripod along with me so I simply braced the camera against the door jamb in order to keep it from moving for the 3 shots. I then blended the images together in PhotoShop to get this result. ."

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of a BMW K1200S, K1300S, K1200RS, K1200R, R Sport, S1000RR, K1600GT, GTL, or any model year K1200GT or K1300GT and B. In focus. C. No GS's for Gods sake.

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The 1st Annual Australian I-BMW Rally 2015 - Krikey.. It's About Time!!

I've been waiting years for some enterprising young Aussie to arrange an Australian I-BMW Rally. With all the Aussie members at I-BMW it seemed inevitable. I guess good things come to those who wait. Last week the 1st Aussie I-BMW event was held starting at Jingellic Pub/Hotel near Jingellic, New South Wales and branching out from there.. A special thanks goes out to all those involved for stepping up to the plate and making the rally a reality. I wish I could have been there.

From the stories and photos I've seen, the weather couldn't have been better. I was told there were 20+ riders in 2 riding groups riding over 1700km.. That's over 1000 miles, folks. Rally attendees have posted trip reports and other rally info over at I-BMW.com.

If interested/bored/bi-curious.. check out all the pics I could assemble in the Pirates Lair Photo Gallery cleverly titled.. Australian I-BMW Rally 2015 Photo Album. Thx, mate to all the I-BMW.com miscreants who selflessly (and in some cases.. unknowingly) contributed photos to this year's photo album..

For Rally Pics.. Clcik Here!

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Pirates Lair Website Mystery: "I Ain' t Afraid Of No Ghosts.."

About 4 weeks ago the main Pirates Lair computer started acting downright demonic for seemingly no apparent reason. Rod Serling-type chit. Failed start-ups. Failed shut-downs.. Crashes.. Blank screen.. Lost data.. Fonts looking corrupted.. Programs looking different. Howling noises coming from inside my computer.. Green slime pouring out of the vents. Even our IT guy was baffled. It took me a month of sleepless nights and serious drinking to conjure up a theory.. All signs pointed to a graphics card nearing it's demise.

To test my theory, I replaced the card and miraculously all appeared right as rain...or was it? Shortly thereafter, I started noticing the strangest things on both the computer and on our website.. Inexplicable things. Scary things. I should mention that our website has hundreds of pages and I do 99.9% of our HTML writing and web design so I know what's right and what's not. After the new card install I discovered that in our web design program (Dreamweaver).. many fonts had mysteriously changed sizes. Sometimes in the middle of sentences!.. I found dozens of words that had reverse spelling. Yes.. like REDRUM, except with innocuous words like USPS changed to SPSU or UPS changed to SPU. I had to make corrections on at least 90 pages! Not only were there problems in our web design program, but I was seeing the same issues on our website. How was that even possible? Pages that hadn't been touched since before our graphics card problems seemed possessed. I can only attribute this to "ghosts" in the machine or some benevolent force f#@ing with me. As of today, I think I've gotten most of the text, formatting, and spelling problems ironed out, vanquished, and exorcized.

The reason I'm relating this woeful story of fright and mystery is.. I wanted our readers to be aware that some "visual" problems may remain and to ask everyone to let me know if you see something out of wack... spelling issues.. text the wrong size... demons or goblins.. If you do, please email me with a link to the page and I'll check it out.. "I ain't afraid of no ghosts.."

Who ya gonna call...??

What's New In the BMW No-Spin Zone

I should note that as the K1200RS and first generation K1200GT have been discontinued, I receive less and less news of any new products for them.. I mention this as a few semi-loyal subscribers have accused me of abandoning our roots.. Not true.. I only report what's going on.. Don't shoot the messenger.. I will NEVER abandon the K1200RS crowd. It appears that the times.. they are a changin.' Deal with it. Also.. a special thx to www.I-BMW.com and www.K-Bikes.com for the information & pictures I regularly pilfer from these sites..

1. Just in time for spring... our R1200GSW Stealth Backrest is finally in stock at Pirates Lair. Honestly... it's the sleekest, one of the best looking designs you'll ever see. Easy 5 minute install. Available in Black or Silver. With or without BMW logo. No mods necessary. When you do NOT want the backrest on your bike, it slides off in seconds. Worried about protecting the finish of your oem rack from our stealth metal bracket? No worries... The aluminum bracket never touches your bike, but instead is suspended over the oem rack via (4) magic aluminum spacers. Bam..

2. I get a lot of requests for a fender eliminator kits for the K1200S and K1300S... As many of you recall, we used to sell one by Evoluzione. That was an easy to install, inexpensive kit with zero mods.. I loved it and sold a ton of them. Unfortunately, the company didn't survive Obamunism. Since they went out of biz we have NOT added another kit to our menu, but there is at least one other on the market. The Wunderlich License Plate Holder. It's a damn nice looking kit, but it involves some mods to the bike, I think. Worth a look if you are wanting a sleeker, good looking ass. . and who doesn't? Price is a reasonable $169 + shipping. It fits the K1200R SPORT, K1200S, K1200R, K1300S, & K1300R. I can special order if anyone is interested....

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

3. An ABS Module Rant From a Fellow Rider: Just a quick note to my fellow K12 riders about the sometimes problematic ABS/pump module: I have a 2004 K1200GT and had the failure at 14K miles. Apparently the ABS /Module problem goes through 2003-2008 models. I had a failure of the rear pump while riding, but was able to nurse it home using the front brakes and an abundance of caution. Checked with a dealer and was quoted $3K to repair it. I called and wrote BMW corporate to see if any out of warranty assistance could be had to help with the repair. It was indicated that I could have it repaired at a dealer and submit a claim to them which they might or might not help with.

Deciding there had to be a better way, I took the bike to an independent (George @ Beemers Uber Alles 571 318-2472) in Manassas, VA. An internet search found a firm in TN called ACI (866 983-2472) that repairs many models of modules. George sent mine there and it was repaired for $55 plus shipping. Labor charge was $300 and it now works perfectly. I also sent a complaint about this safety related issue to NHTSA. I noticed other complaints on their site about the same issue from other BMW owners. If you have had this ABS issue, please fill out a complaint form on their website to force a recall for repairs to this blatant safety defect. There is power in numbers and reading some of the BMW riders sites, this failure happens a lot. If you have experienced this, filling out the online form will help us all with this defective system.

4. Here's something kinda tasty... BMW K1300 Mp7 Exhaust by MUSSAN It's a Malaysian company. I couldn't find a website, but they are on Facebook. The price for the muffler is MYR1400 + Shipping ($488.CAD or $390.55USD) They have not had the bike on a dyno so they can't speak to any effects on performance. How reputable is the company?? Your guess is as good as mine..

5. Thinking about changing the levers on your late model BMW?? Or already bought a pair and wondering if you can install them yourself?? Here's a well done how-to video from Wunderlich cleverly titled.. Wunderlich Vario Levers for all late model BMW's

6. We just heard... Sargent Seats will be carrying the Pirates Lair R1200GSW Stealth Backrest as an option for their upcoming GSW seat. They will also be offering a rider backrest. I've seen it and it's very cool.

7. Those 3 or 4 people who frequented Shahram Shiva's site.. www.BMWK1200S.com may have noticed that that place has gone the way of Philip Michael Thomas' career... It no longer exists.. Don't panic... The guys over at I-BMW.com will welcome you with open arms... See ya there.

8. Effective immediately.. the Remus Revolution canister for the BMW K1200S, K1200GT, & K1300S has been discontinued. Only the Hexacone and Powercone canisters are available for these bikes..

9 If you've been looking for a rear solo seat cowling for your BMW K1200S / K1300S or K1200R / K1300R.. you might want to check out these guys... DragonTT Designers is a Spanish-Italian company dedicated to design and innovation in the biking world. Their tail cowlings IMHO are stunningly beautiful. Easily better looking than anything I've seen sold in the states. They sell their products thought an on-line company called TOPXSTADA and the prices look very reasonable. Click here for the K1200S / K1300S version. Click here for the K1200R / K1300R version. They offer them in Carbon Fiber or paintable Fiberglass.

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. New Product Alert: We sell a lot of lighting products at Pirates Lair, but honestly ...the Blinker Genie (by CustomLED) is hands down my favorite. It's such a great idea, they are dirt cheap, and the install is relatively easy.. Why didn't I think of this!! Last summer I installed them on both the front and rear of my BMW K1200S and the effect is outstanding. Basically, the "Blinker Genie" is designed to allow single filament light bulbs, single intensity LED assemblies, or any two-wire indicators to function as both running lights AND blinkers - at full brightness! I love these things and at under $40 delivered.. you will too... Trust me..

2. As per our blurb above, ... our R1200GSW Stealth Backrest is finally in stock at Pirates Lair. Available in Black or Silver. With or without BMW logo. No modifications necessary. Install time is 5 minutes. You asked for it... We delivered. You are welcome.

Click Here for Full Web Page.. If You Dare

3. New Product Alert: We are now carrying the Signal Dynamics Single Row LED Frame. The Signal Dynamics frame is Luddite-simple to install (on any motorcycle) with only 3 sturdy little wires protruding.. A black ground wire, a red brake light wire, and a white tail light wire. That's it.. Even a 'luded out chimp could install this in 1/2 hour. Took me an hour as I'm borderline obsessive compulsive. And yes... it's CanBus compatible.

4. We will have Slip-On and Full Systems available for the 2015 BMW S1000RR by late spring/beginning of summer! We also have options for expedited shipping from REMUS in Austria to the US for customers that can't wait that long! Here is a shot of the slip-on Hypercone and here is a shot of the full system. These will be available in Ti, Carbon Fiber, and Stainless.

5. New Product Alert! We now have Synto levers for the new water-cooled R1200GSW and Adventure. Fully adjustable 6 positions so getting the ergos right on your bike has never been easier. 6 colors to choose from for levers and adjusting wheel. Mix and match! Silver, Gold, Blue, Black, Red, & Titanium. If you've got small hands... these will rock your world...

6. Effective immediately.. the Remus Revolution canister for the BMW K1200S, K1200GT, & K1300S has been discontinued. Only the Hexacone and Powercone canisters are available..

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

I-BMW Rally Event News : 2015
NOTE: I-bmw.com is not an "official" sponsor of any of the following posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

The 3rd Annual I-BMW Rocky Mountain Rally: July 19 through July 22, 2015

Where: Quality Inn of Gunnison
Nearest town: Gunnison, Colorado
When: July 19 through July 22, 2015
Reservations: 970-641-1237

Our base of operations will again be the Quality Inn of Gunnison, which is located at 400 E. Tomichi Ave (also known as U.S. 50) in Gunnison. They are currently taking reservations for a block of rooms that are reserved for us. I encourage you to make you reservations early (like now), and to mention that you are with the BMW Motorcycle Group in order to get the rate of $95 plus tax per night (down from their advertised $119 + tax). Most of the rooms have two queen-sized beds, but there are also some available with one king or one queen. A hot breakfast is included. Here is a link to the motel's website.

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2015 I-BMW KHCR: Aug. 6-9th, 2015

Where: Blue Licks Battlefield State Park
Address: 10299 Maysville Rd, Carlisle, KY 40311
Nearest town: Maysville, Ky
When: Aug. 6,7,8, and 9 (Arrive on Thur, play Fri and Sat and depart Sun )
Reservations: 800 443-7008

For reservations call 800 443-7008. There is a restaurant on the grounds. The rooms will be held until July 7. The site is roughly 15 miles South of Maysville Ky on us 68. It is 42 miles North of Lexington Ky on us 68. It is 78 miles East of Cincinnati Ohio. 114 miles East of Louisville Ky and 104 miles West of Huntington W.Va. Ridge land abounds with nice roadways and long views.

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The 16th Annual I-BMW Deals Gap Rally: October 1-4th, 2015 New! Venue Change Notice!!

Where: Tapoco Lodge
Nearest town: Robbinsville, NC
When: October 1st-4th, 2015 [Thur-Sunday]
Reservations: Direct 800.849.2258

The Tapoco Lodge (near Robbinsville,) site of our first 9 or so DGR's re-opened just recently under new (motorcycle friendly) management and members at I-BMW.com have voted overwhelmingly to change venues this year from the Fontana back to the Tapoco. The newly renovated, upscale Tapoco has reserved (20) cabins for our motley group. No rooms in the resort. All cabins are $189 a night. They have 2, 3, and 5 person cabins available. Reservations at the discounted rally rate will end May 1st and then go full metal jacket retail which is $249 a night so book NOW or feel the burn of paying full retail during peak season. Be sure to mention i-bmw group when booking. Amber and I will be there. Neither of us will be wearing panties.

Alternate Lodging in Robbinsville, NC. Microtel Motel or Fontana Village Resort
Closest BMW dealer: Eurosport of Asheville, NC

...and don't forget... Pirates Lair will be offering your choice of either Pirates Lair tees or $25 gift cards to anyone who achieves a "velocity award" while in transit to or from or at the rally itself.. If we don't reward bad behavior... who else will?? Arrrrrrg.

We're baaaaaack!

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How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have a new contribution this month. Tip # 164 was sent in by Mark Baldyga of Peabody, Mass! Thx, bro. Could his tip save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

We have a new contribution this month.. Check out K1300S ROWE PDM60 Install
contributed by K13Mike from Calgary, Alberta., Canada . Mike is a regular over at I-BMW.com . Thx, buddy.

Courtesy of Sports Illustrated photographer Walter Iooss, Jr. / Model: Ms Melissa Haro

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues