Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around every other month, when I deem you are worthy, we post a new cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

Warning: While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, liberal, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment. Basically.. "enter at ye own peril.."

FYI.. If you'd like to be notified when each new newsletter is posted, just email me with your request and I'll make that happen. Our email database is 100% secure. Stored in a lock box formerly owned by Al Gore. Never shared or sold to third parties. Never perused by the NSA.

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: July / August 2016 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the month.....

Dutch's words resonate in the air... "He uses the trees." Billy and Ramirez stare up, a wave of fear passing through them.. Dutch turns, moving to where Dillon is guarding Anna, sitting on the ground. Reaching down, Dutch pulls her firmly to her feet, looking at her intensely.

Dutch:: Yesterday. What did you see? No more games.
Dillon: You're wastin' your time.
She looks at him a long moment, and then answers in English.
Anna: I don't know what it was. It... Dillon does a double take. Dutch continues to look at Anna.
Anna: It changes colors, like the chameleon. It uses the jungle...
Dillon: Shit, you trying to tell me Blain and Hawkins were killed by a fucking lizard? Don't listen to her. Its's a psych-job. Two, maybe three of them, that's all. We keep our cool, out-think them 'til we're across the border... Ignoring him, Dutch takes her hands, drawing his commando knife, looking squarely into her eyes.
Dutch: What's your name? She looks back into his eyes.
Anna: Anna.
Dutch: Anna. He's hunting us. You know that? She nods. With a sudden movement he slices through her bonds.
Dillon: What the hell do you think you're doing?
Dutch: We're going to need everyone.
Dillon: What are you talking about? We'll be out of here in ten minutes.
We're not going.

Dillon: That rendezvous is ten maybe twelve miles, at most! We're almost home. and the chopper won't wait.

Dutch: Dillon...This thing doesn't care who we are, who she is. We make a stand or there won't be anyone left to make that chopper. Dillon stares back, not wanting to hear what he already knows to be true. Anna touches Dutch's arm.
Anna: There is something else. When the big man was killed, you must have wounded it. (pause) It's blood was on his copy of the Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter. Dutch turns to Dillon.
Dutch: If it bleeds, we can kill it.

Dutch .. Arnold Schwarzenegger / Dillon.. Carl Weathers/ Anna... Elpidia Carrillo / Predator / 1987

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Picture Of The Month! Mt Washington Hotel, New Hampshire! (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our July / Aug POTM was contributed by Lee & Debbie Fillian, regular posters over at I-BMW.com. Lee says of the photo..."This Mount Washington Hotel picture was taken on the hotel entrance just off of Hwy 302 on Aug 10th 2015 at 12:20 PM. From what I remember the weather was good all day. In the morning we left Woodsville, NH, took the Lost River Road and the Kanc before turning back west on Hwy 302 and returning to Woodsville. Debbie and I took this trip to attend my 40th college reunion and visit the New Hampshire area where I lived as a kid. My camera is a Panasonic LumixDMZ-SZ1 with a 10X Optical Zoom."

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of any late model BMW .. B. In focus... C. No GS's for Gods sake.

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2016 I-BMW Blue Ridge Parkway Rally: 16 Years And Counting....

Thanks to the great crew at www.I-BMW.com, for making this years event yet another success. Other than some rain and cooler than normal temps, it sounds like everyone had a good time according to the rally reports coming in over at www.I-BMW.com. We heard of no accidents and no speeding awards. Guess our group has grown a little mature over the years. In the early I-BMW days, lots of attendees got tickets.. Me included.

The rally weather forecast was suspect from the get go, but in the end it turned out to be a non-issue. There was some rain... sun.. fog.. clouds.. spotty showers. About what you'd expect for this rally. I'd wager a guess that everyone is already thinking about the 2017 event. We'll have details soon in our upcoming rallies section...

I have posted as many rally pics as I could plunder..er.. accumulate from the I-BMW site in our Pirates Lair Photo Album . It's the first album in the BRPW section cleverly entitled.. BRPW 2016 Enjoy!

2016 I-BMW Blue Ridge Parkway Rally

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BMW Motorrad Continues Sharp Sales Decline in North America...: We Sympathize

Over the last few months when I'm speaking with fellow vendors.. (even those we compete directly against) I always ask.. "how's business?" Most initially are reluctant to say anything until I admit that Pirates Lair is experiencing the slowest May / June we've seen in 13 years. Sales should be booming, but instead they are as dead as Eva Braun. The across the board consensus with every vendor I spoke with is that we are all experiencing the same existential financial threat. Business is bad in an epic way. While this is disturbing news for all of us who have sweated blood to create a business, I find a modicum of comfort in the fact that it's not just us. In fact I consider myself lucky that we've survived this long in an economy that's in the toilet with (depending on who's stats you believe) up to 93 million Americans out of work. I heard just last week that more small businesses have closed their doors in the last 7.5 years than in the previous 20... That kinda sums things up.

So... how is BMW doing? The latest stats show that worldwide sales have all but stalled for BMW Motorrad, which saw motorcycle and maxi-scooter deliveries increase by a dismal 1.2% in May 2016. BMW Motorrad USA have had sales drop, year-over-year, for four out of the first five months. In May 2016, just 1,221 motorcycles were sold, which is a 40.0% decrease from the 2,034 sold in May 2015. For the year, USA sales have totaled 5,641 which is a 17.3% decrease from the 6,821 sold in the first five months of 2015. BMW Motorrad Canada sales have decreased for three out of the first five months — May sales of 245 units were a 7.6% drop compared to May, 2015. So even the big boys are feeling the burn. My guess is... every business owner (both foreign and domestic) is paying close attention to the upcoming presidential election.

Help me, Obi Wan Kenobi!

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Our Remus Rollout: "Oh the Humanity"

Ok.. after losing the exclusivity of being the lone US importer of Staintune exhausts recently (full ugly details in our May/June newsletter) we dried our crocodile tears, manned up, and went on to "Plan B." Adding the entire Remus Exhaust product line to our menu. BMW, Ducati, Honda, Kawasaki, KTM, Suzuki, Triumph, Yamaha ... oh my. It would be the most time consuming cyber undertaking I'd ever attempted, but after multiple 70 hour weeks in preparation and with great personal fanfare we went live June 1st with the new Remus pages. Honestly we were expecting the financial tides to roll, clouds to part, and to hear the lamentation of our competitors women, but instead... we ran full speed into a wall of Trumpian proportions.

When we lost Staintune I notified RemusUSA in Kaleefornia what our plans were and they were as excited as we were.. After all.. we are (or were during the Bush years) one of the largest exclusive BMW accessory shops in the US. Firing up Remus products on all cylinders should be win/win for both of us.. They agreed to work with us by furnishing links to hundreds of pictures, videos, sound clips, etc. They did mention that they were also working on an updated version of their own website which would go on-line about the same time as our revamped Remus section, but they assured me that nothing they were doing would effect ours in any way.. That turned out to be 100% wrong..

I completed our new Remus section just hours before our last cheese-filled newsletter went live and unveiled it to the world with an optimism I hadn't experienced since I thought Mitt Romney would be the next president.. As it turns out, our roll-out was almost as disappointing. Our Remus section, in all its magnificence worked flawlessly for about 48 hours until the importer's new website went live. At that very moment every link to every picture, video, sound clip on every new Remus page I had just slaved over went dead.

"Oh the Humanity"

I won't go into the gory details, but it took another 3 weeks of work, sleepless nights, rectal bleeding, and lots of rum to rework the hundreds of dead links, re-direct others, and download new pictures. Of course the good people at RemusUSA apologized profusely and took my onslaught of verbal abuse with zen-like restraint even as I began to quote Ezekiel 25:17.." I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger..." As of today all the pages are up and operational although I'll still be making minor tweaks over the next month or so.. Bottom line.. we're finally in the pipe 5 x 5 with the entire Remus product line. Keep us in mind if you're looking for an exhaust in the future and help spread the word. We small vendors depend on word of mouth.

What's New In the BMW No-Spin Zone

I should note that as the K1200RS and first generation K1200GT have been discontinued, I receive less and less news of any new products for them.. I mention this as a few semi-loyal subscribers have accused me of abandoning our roots.. Not true.. I only report what's going on.. Don't shoot the messenger.. I will NEVER abandon the K1200RS crowd. It appears that the times.. they are a changin.' Deal with it. Also.. a special thx to www.I-BMW.com or www.K-Bikes.com for the information & pictures I regularly pilfer from these sites..

1. 2017 Model Update: Liquid-Cooled Boxer Line ...Ch Ch Ch Changes...

2. Better grab the hankies for this one, folkes. I've been warning customers for almost 2 years that the legendary Rhinewest Chip for the BMW K1200RS, K1200LT, and R1200R would be discontinued soon. Got word 6/21 that the computer that held all the chip-burning data got corrupted and the files were lost. RW instructed me to stop taking orders immediately and indefinitely.. The only good news is.. they were going to make a valiant effort to retrieve the corrupted/deleted files. Lets keep our fingers crossed.. Those chips were just about the only proven plug-n-play performance enhancers you can get for those bikes..

3. We just learned that our K1200S / K1300S Smoke or Clear Blinker Lenses (imported from WhiteLights of Germany) also fit the BMW R1200S. That bikes uses the same front and rear lenses. Sweet.

4. Here's the latest info from Germany showing the 2017 BMW models and colors... Click Here.. The video came from the 2016 "BMW Motorrad Days" event in Garmish, Germany which started before this newsletter went live.

5. We finally got confirmation from Europe... The last BMW K1300S rolled off the assembly line recently.. End of an era. As of today there are few left in showrooms.. We have no idea what will replace the series, but I for one am giddy with anticipation.

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. Last month, in a spectacular "dick move," Staintune (of Australia) pulled their product line out from under us without notice. Read the full inglorious story here.. What we have left in stock is all there will be.. Currently we have (1) Kawasaki Concours 1400 slip-on kit, a 2002-003 Suzuki Bandit slip-on kit. along with a handful of silencers in various sizes.. If any of our readers can help us sell one of these last kits we'll pony up a free Pirates Lair tee or hat as a way of saying thanks.

2. As per the blurb above, over the last few weeks I've added the entire Remus Exhaust product line to our website. BMW, Ducati, Honda, Kawasaki, KTM, Suzuki, Triumph, and Yamaha. We have these drop-shipped from the importer's warehouse in California. Expect lower prices and quicker delivery times than the Australian product. And while they last we're giving away a FREE Pirates Lair tee with every exhaust sold...

A free tee?! Hell yes!

3. Speaking of Remus.. We have a new page up for all (6) BMW RNineT Remus Exhausts.. and a YouTube video. Pirates Lair offers 3 Remus full HyperCone systems for the BMW RNineT .. Titanium, Stainless Steel, and a Stainless Steel with Black Stainless canister. We also offer 3 HyperCone Slip-On systems in Stainless, Titanium, and the Black Stainless. All Remus RNineT Hypercone canisters have Carbon Fiber end caps. Any of these choices will rock your world and make you the envy of all your friends....

4. Military Perks: If you are a veteran or currently serving in the military, effective immediately Pirates Lair is including a FREE Kickstand Pad with every order. You will NOT see these listed on our website. Our kickstand pads are made of authentic black thermoplastic with the legendary Pirates Lair logo emblazoned on them. We hope our service men and women around the world take us up on the offer. This is our humble way of saying "Thank you for all you do, soldier." Just let us know at the time of order and we'll add one to your shipment.

5. We just added a YouTube video to our Remus R1200RS Exhaust page.. It sounds as good as it looks...Got wood? You will..

6. We've been selling MotoZen levers for a few years now... We've sold hundreds of the Chinese-made kits. The bad news is, it looks like our source is about to dry up.. As of 6/29/16 supplies of certain colors are limited. We're not sure if the importer will be renewing their contract with the manufacturer, but we were just told no more levers would be coming into the US. When current stocks are depleted there may be no more except for spares needed for replacements. We have already been notified that there are no more Titanium levers available.

7. NEW PRODUCT We got such a good response from customers after I mentioned Bullrack Pannier and Top Box Wall Mounting Systems that I've decided to carry them in our various product lines..The guest bedroom is definitely not the best place to stash your hard bags or top box when they are off the bike, and the garage can be downright dangerous for them . Kids on bikes, piled up junk, or frisky pets can damage them in a matter of seconds. Bullrack offers these kits for hanging your bags or top box on the wall and out of the way. Bam! Problem solved. Each BULLRACK pannier kit comes with 2 brackets for hanging two bags, screws to mount the brackets in most wood applications, and a set of easy to follow instructions. And yes.. these are made here in the USA.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare!

I-BMW Rally Event News : 2016
NOTE: I-bmw.com is not an "official" sponsor of any of the following posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

The 4th Annual I-BMW Rocky Mountain Rally: July 17- 20th, 2016

Where: Quality Inn of Gunnison
Nearest town: Gunnison, Colorado
When: Arrive Sun July 17 through Weds July 20, 2016
Reservations: 970-641-1237

Our base of operations will again be the Quality Inn of Gunnison, which is located at 400 E. Tomichi Ave (also known as U.S. 50) in Gunnison. A block of 25 queen-sized, double, non-smoking rooms are reserved for us under the name "BMW Motorcycle Group." Rate is $95 per night plus taxes. $133 is the normal rate and the hotel sold was out the prior 2 years. This is a 2 level motor court style hotel. Hot breakfast is included in the rates. 2 block walking distance from downtown main street with many other places to get your belly full and drink-on. Non-ethanol gas is 5 blocks away. Walmart is 10 blocks away. Hardware stores, auto parts, cycle sales/repair shops, liquor store, sporting goods, campground, train museum, college - all close by. Because of last year's sell-out, make your reservation early. Here is a link to the motel's website and here's a link to the discussion at I-BMW.com

The 17th Annual I-BMW Deals Gap Rally: October 6-8th, 2016

Where: Tapoco Lodge
Nearest town: Robbinsville, NC
When: October 6th-9th, 2016 [Thur-Sat] Check out Sunday
Reservations: Direct 800.849.2258

The Tapoco Lodge (near Robbinsville) site of our first 9 or so DGR's and last year's rainfest will again host the 2016 event. Hopefully without any hurricanes spoiling the fun. The newly renovated, upscale Tapoco has reserved (20) cabins for our motley group and this year with cheaper rates. Woohoo!! All cabins for 2016 range from $159-219 a night and many will have new hot tubs for 2016. Be sure to mention i-bmw group when booking. Amber and I will be there. Neither of us will be wearing panties.

Alternate Lodging in Robbinsville, NC. Microtel Motel or Fontana Village Resort
Closest BMW dealer: Eurosport of Asheville, NC

Cancellation Policy 2016: In the event of cancellation 30 days prior to the event, guest will be charged for one night. If the cancellation is outside of the 30 days, there will be no charge. This policy will be strictly enforced in 2016 and is non-negotiable. Savvy?

...and don't forget... Pirates Lair will be offering your choice of either Pirates Lair tees or $25 gift cards to anyone who achieves a "velocity award" while in transit to or from DGR 2016 .. If we don't reward bad behavior... who else will?? Arrrrrrg.

We're baaaaaack!


How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have two new contributions this month for our How to Survive Deals Gap page. Check out #21 & 22 sent in by old geezer, Bart Lee. Could any of our tips save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

We have a new contribution this month. Check out
Mounting a GoPro Camera to a 2016 BMW R1200RS contributed by Sir Richard Clompus of Trinidad, CA. a regular poster and bon vivant over at I-BMW.com

Click For Larger Image.. If You Want a Chub..

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues