Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around every other month, when I deem you are worthy, we post our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

Warning: While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, liberal, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment.

FYI.. If you'd like to be notified when each new newsletter is posted, just email me with your request and I'll make that happen. Our email database is 100% secure. Stored in a lock box formerly owned by Al Gore. Never shared or sold to third parties. Never perused by the NSA.

Prepare to be boarded!

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: Jan / Feb 2016 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the month.....

The Russian mobster's son, Iosef just reported to his father that all went well on his latest criminal outing.. He admits he stole somebody's car.. The father casually walks over to him and punches him in the gut sending his son to the floor in pain and bafflement. The son looks up at him as if to say... "what the f#%*?!"

Viggo Tarasov: It's not what you did, Son, that angers me so... It's who you did it to.
Iosef Tarasov: Who?... That fucking nobody?
Viggo Tarasov: That fucking nobody is John Wick. He once was an associate of ours. They call him Baba Yaga.
Iosef Tarasov: The Boogeyman?
Viggo Tarasov: Well John wasn't exactly the Boogeyman, he was the one you send to kill the fucking Boogeyman. John is a man of focus, commitment and sheer will, something you know very little about. I once saw him kill three men in a bar, with a pencil. With a fucking... pencil. Suddenly, one day he asked to leave, over a woman, of course. So I made a deal with him. I gave him an impossible task. A job no one could have pulled off. The bodies he buried that day lay the foundation of what we are now. And then my son, a few days after his wife died... you steal his car, kill his fucking dog, and delete his Cheesy Pirates Lair Newsletter.
Iosef Tarasov: Father, I will make things right
Viggo Tarasov: [laughing] Did he just listen what I saying?
Iosef Tarasov: By finishing what I've started
Viggo Tarasov: [pulls Iosef, talk to his ear] Iosef, Iosef listen! John will come for you, and you will do nothing because you can do nothing.

Viggo Tarasov... Michael Nyqvist / Iosef Tarasov... Alfie Allen / John Wick (2014)

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Picture Of The Month! Norwegian Rest Stop! (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our Jan/Feb POTM was contributed by an anonymous rider from Norway. It was sent in with no real details and when I replied to the email asking for a name and other photo information.. I got nuthin' but crickets... So be it... I really like the shot.... And if the owner of this shot checks in.. I'll be glad to add your name and photo info...

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of a BMW K1200S, K1300S, K1200RS, K1200R, R Sport, S1000RR, K1600GT, GTL, or any model year K1200GT or K1300GT and B. In focus. C. No GS's for Gods sake.

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Look Into the Future: BMW Motorrad at CES: Laser Headlight and Head-Up Display (from BMW Motorcycle Magazine)

No... this is not something from the upcoming Dr Strange movie, but it could be. Take a look at some futuristic hardware BMW is working on that IMHO will be as common as corrupt politicians in about 10 years.. The following article is from my favorite motorcycle rag.. BMW Motorcycle Magazine. It's simply too good not to share... (pasted below...)

BMW Motorrad had on display two technologies for motorcyclists, a laser headlight and a heads-up helmet display, at the Consumer Electronics Show (CES) in Las Vegas on January 6-9, 2016. The laser headlight was first developed for automobiles and made it into a production vehicle aboard the BMW i8 plug-in hybrid sports car in 2014. At the time we saw the laser headlights benefits of increased light range, decreased power consumption, smaller size and reduced weight being perfect for use on a motorcycle.

So, it’s no surprise to see the BMW Motorrad Laser Light added to a BMW K1600GTL concept vehicle. BMW Motorrad has long since dedicated itself to the continued development and optimization of motorcycle lighting units. Over the years, we have seen the introduction of adaptive headlights for riding in curves, LED daytime running light and dynamic brake light in BMW motorcycles. And like so often, the development was able to benefit from synergy between BMW’s auto and motorcycle divisions. Read the full article here...

Gaze Into The Future... If You Dare...

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The Future Is Looking Safer! BMW, Honda, & Yamaha Cooperate on Bike-to-Bike Communications

If this isn't a Kum ba yah moment, I don't know what is.. BMW, Honda and Yamaha have agreed to work together in developing vehicle-to-vehicle communications technology for motorcycles. The technology, known as Cooperative-Intelligent Transportation Systems (C-ITS) uses signals sent between vehicles to warn riders of potential collisions at intersections, including oncoming vehicles that may not be visible. How cool is that??

The technology is like a more advanced form of real-time traffic alert technology currently offered on some GPS navigation systems. C-ITS relies on integrating information from communications technology as well as transportation infrastructure. These warning systems would be integrated into the motorcycle's dash system similar to the one at right. The warning would not only make you aware of trouble ahead, but give you information as to time and distance to the threat. "Danger, Will Robinson!" I'd like to see radar warning as well, but that's kinda unlikely.. or is it?

The three companies are already a part of the Car2Car Communication Consortium, an organization developing this technology for cars. Motorcycles present a different challenge and riders are more vulnerable in collisions, so BMW, Honda and Yamaha are forming a new group called the Connected Motorcycle Consortium to develop the technology specifically for motorcycles.

The three companies, all members of the European Association of Motorcycle Manufacturers (ACEM) have set a target date of 2020 for adopting C-ITS.

For Larger Image.. Click Here

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Pirates Lair New Product Alert: RKA Motorcycle Luggage

We get a lot of requests for soft saddlebags. Apparently there are quite a few fiscally conservative individuals (like me) that flat out refuse to pay their local extortionist.. er I mean dealer over $700+ for the optional BMW bags and butt-ugly bracketry to hang them on. You have to draw the line somewhere, my fellow pirates. Yes, it would be nice to have those fancy foofoo oem bags, but in this economy you have to weigh the rectal pummeling price against actual usage. Most of us only use their bags a few times a year. It's those riders that, I believe, want a cheaper alternative.

I'd been looking for a luggage brand to add to our menu for the last few years and after a fruitless exhaustive search, I remembered our good friends at RKA Motorcycle Luggage. We carried some of their bags years ago and was always impressed with the quality and customer service. I personally don't think they are the best looking bags on the market, but they are definitely hands down the best quality. Unlike most of the other soft luggage brands being sold in the US (like T-Bags) which are produced in China or Mexico, .... RKA luggage is produced here in the USA.

As of Jan 1st Pirates Lair is offering 2 sizes of the RKA "Sonoma Series" Soft Saddlebags. These should work on most motorcycles.. Choose from the 33 Liter Super-Sport Expandable Saddlebags or the 50 Liter Expandable Saddlebags. Details, pricing, and even a video showing how to install them are on our RKA Saddlebag web page. Saddle up pardners... It's time to hit the road...

Show me more!

Speaking of requests for soft luggage. I know for a fact that BMW K1600GT / GTL owners have been looking for a tankbag that's compatible with their wide handlebars. I get calls for them all the time and until this week I've had to turn these potential customers away. Not much out there, is there? Rumor has it that most of the current tankbags on the market have issues with contacting the handlebars at full lock. As it turns out... RKA Tankbags do not. In fact... RKA offers a video showing their bags compatibility with the K1600GTL. Cool, huh?

RKA offers 3 bags to fit your K16 tankbag needs and we have them here.. . The 3.0 Liter Allegro, the 10 Liter "Super-Sport" Mini, and the 13.0 Liter Shiloh Rd. Each of these bags come with a map holder, raincover, multiple pockets, Portal (false wall) to carry all electrical wires & cables, multiple pockets, reinforced zippers, a shoulder strap, and yes.. a limited lifetime warranty. Each rain cover actually expands like the tankbag. When the bag is closed the rain cover is actually a DOUBLE rain cover. When expanded there are “Hoop & Loop” (Velcro) tabs you release and the rain cover expands.

The install of these bags couldn't be easier. RKA developed a special front pad & attachment system for the K1600GT and K1600GTL. The attachment points are straight away forward. They moved the buckles and changed the two angled pads to one wide front pad. Check out this video link.. RKA K1600GTL Tankbag Install Instructional Video. Pirates lair carries the RKA Tankbags here.. and the RKA Saddlebags here. Both the RKA tankbags and soft saddlebags will work on just about any bike... In fact.. the K16 mounting system works perfectly with the venerable K1200RS, or so they tell us.


What's New In the BMW No-Spin Zone

I should note that as the K1200RS and first generation K1200GT have been discontinued, I receive less and less news of any new products for them.. I mention this as a few semi-loyal subscribers have accused me of abandoning our roots.. Not true.. I only report what's going on.. Don't shoot the messenger.. I will NEVER abandon the K1200RS crowd. It appears that the times.. they are a changin.' Deal with it. Also.. a special thx to www.I-BMW.com or www.K-Bikes.com for the information & pictures I regularly pilfer from these sites..

1. If you've been looking for a sleek radar detector mount for your BMW K1600GT/GTL you might want to check out the AdaptivMount Horizontal Control Mount. offered by Adaptiv Technologies. Cost is a reasonable $85US + shipping ...According to their advertising spiel.. the AdaptivMount Horizontal Control Mount is designed with a combination of high strength steel and aircraft grade anodized aluminum. Patent pending Adapti-Sorb Anti-Vibration Technology greatly reduces vibrations transferred from the bike to the mounted gadget. The double ball-joint design provides a high degree of freedom for optimal positioning, easy adjustment, and simple installation. They offer this mount for various bikes..

2. BMW Motorrad reveals experimental eRR electric superbike... While technical details won't be revealed until "a later date," BMW says the experimental vehicle is designed to investigate the possibilities of applying an electric power source to a sport bike. Whether this means there will be a production version in the near future remains to be seen. It may be beautiful, but it sounds as boring as Yanni on quaaludes.

3. Many 2016 I-BMW Rally events have been scheduled. Texas Hill Country, the Rockies, Deals Gap, Australia.. Check out our rally section below for full details... More to come for 2016..

4. In case you hadn't heard.. BMW is about to release their smallest bike yet.. the G310R... My guess is their intended demographics are young riders new to the sport or frugal adults secure in their masculinity. Chain drive, 313cc, and 350 lbs fully gassed. Check it out and let me know what you think... And yes.. it comes in black.

5. Looking for more wind protection for your K1200S or K1300S, but not too particular about the looks?? You might want to check out MadStad Adjustable Windshields. I had never heard of them until a customer pointed me their way.. There are no pictures of them actually mounted on a bike on their website which makes me cringe. I would think that 99.9% of potential customers would want to see what they are buying. They offer their product in a variety of colors and heights. My guess is they are as ugly as an Aeroflow, but I admit that's just speculation. If you get a picture of one.. please forward to me.

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. NEW PRODUCT 2016: As per the blurb above.. Pirates Lair is now carrying RKA Motorcycle Luggage including their Sonoma Series 33 Liter and 50 Liter Soft Saddlebags which will work on virtually every motorcycle without bags.

2. NEW PRODUCT 2016! Also... K1600GT / GTL owners who've been waiting for a bike compatible tankbag.. we now offer (3) RKA tankbags to fit your K16 tankbag needs and we have them here.. . The 3.0 Liter Allegro, the 10 Liter "Super-Sport" Mini, and the 13.0 Liter Shiloh Rd. These should fit most motorcycles.. Expect premium quality workmanship. These also fit the venerable K1200RS and 2002-05 K1200GT.

3. NEW PRODUCT 2016! We've got the newly re-designed Pyramid Extenda Fenda (from the UK) for the BMW K1600GT / GTL in stock. They now have a new mounting kit that requires no drilling, screws, or rivets.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

4. We just found out that our S1000RR Easy Helmet Lock will NOT fit the new S1000XR. The frame is different on that bike. Unlike any frame we've ever seen on any motorcycle.. Thanks again BMW for doing something arbitrarily different just because you can...Sory guys.. Not gonna happen.

5. We just received notice from Verholen of Germany of an across the board 3% price increase on all items for 2016.. The new prices should already be reflected on their website. The good news is.. Pirates Lair will NOT raise our prices on Verholen products this year. Instead we're gonna eat that increase and sell their products at 2015 prices. So it is written...

6. Speaking of Verholen... We just heard from them that they only had (2) K1200RS / GT Short Shifter Kits left for the 1997-2000 bikes.. The late models kits have already sold out and no more will be produced.. If you are tired of the sloppy shifting and that long throw... here is the solution.. Last call, my friends...Night and day difference.

7. Woohoo! Our R1200GSW Stealth backrest has turned out to be a big hit. We sold out of our first production run quicker than expected. Honestly... It's the sleekest, one of the best looking designs we've ever sold .. Easy 5 minute install. Available in Black or Silver at the moment although we are discontinuing the black as soon as our initial supply is sold. We offer these with or without BMW logo. No modifications necessary. When you do NOT want the backrest on your bike, it slides off in seconds. Worried about protecting the finish of your oem rack from our stealth metal bracket? No worries... Our bracket never touches your bike, but instead is suspended over the oem rack via (4) aluminum spacers. You asked for it... We delivered. Bam..and just in time for spring.

8. NEW PRODUCT 2016! We've been selling T-Bags Soft Luggage with our Stealth backrests for over 10 years now. The standard Roll Bag and their Universal Helmet Bag... We just got notice that the Universal bag has been revamped, enlarged, and is all new for 2016. Here's a shot of the new Universal Bag. As you can see the ends now have expandable pockets. Sweet! We have the new bags in stock!

Show me more!!

I-BMW Rally Event News : 2016
NOTE: I-bmw.com is not an "official" sponsor of any of the following posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

The Second Australian I-BMW Rally: March 4-7th, 2016 New!

Planning is in the works. Currently all details can be found at I-BMW.com

Basically.. starting in the town of Tumut, NSW, Australia plan for 4 days of riding together through and around the Snowy Mountains. Victoria Labor day weekend is the following weekend (12-14th March) and places are already booked out, plus that equals busy roads. Easter weekend is the last weekend of March in 2016 so that's out, and the Australian Grand Prix is the first weekend of April in 2016, so that doesn't effect us either. Superbikes is 20-22nd Feb at Philip Island, so that at least puts the rally 2 weeks after that. There doesn't appear to be any festivals in the places we are staying, apparently the bus loads of people start rolling into the area for the Autumn leaves in late March. But you never know, could be Elvis weekend, cross-dressing cowboy weekend, read the manual to your motorbike weekend.... you just never know. The weather should be glorious early March. Pretty much the same as last year. Crisp in the mountains (lowest was 10degrees) and getting up in the high 20's off the mountains.

All rally details including detailed maps showing the daily routes, lodging, etc... can be found at I-BMW.com Motorcycle rentals are available out of Sydney and Melbourne with quite a few BMW's on the menu. Costs are about $200-300+ a day plus insurance, deposit etc. Be a part of (hopefully) a new tradition.. and watch out for the 'roos.

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2016 Texas Hill Country I-BMW Rally: April 11-15, 2016 New!

Location: Hwy 39 near Hunt - 22 miles from hwy 83
River Inn Resort in Hunt, Texas
When: Monday thru Thursday, April 11th thru 15th ((check in Monday, check out Fri. AM))

Room prices (pre-tax): 2 bedroom - $125. / 1 bedroom - $95. / Studio - $75. Reservation deadline is Feb. 16th.

2 night minimum stay. 1-800-841-0501 or 1-830-238-4226 ask for Cindy. Lodging is limited, so Book early to guarantee a room. You can secure your reservation with AMEX, MasterCard or Visa....7 day cancellation policy, however there is a $25 service charge. They all have a refrigerator and microwave.

Agenda: Meet. Ride. Talk, Eat. Ride. Talk. - Here's a link to the discussion at I-BMW.com

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The 4th Annual I-BMW Rocky Mountain Rally: July 17- 20th, 2016 New!

Where: Quality Inn of Gunnison
Nearest town: Gunnison, Colorado
When: Arrive Sun July 17 through Weds July 20, 2016
Reservations: 970-641-1237

Our base of operations will again be the Quality Inn of Gunnison, which is located at 400 E. Tomichi Ave (also known as U.S. 50) in Gunnison. A block of 25 queen-sized, double, non-smoking rooms are reserved for us under the name "BMW Motorcycle Group." Rate is $95 per night plus taxes. $133 is the normal rate and the hotel sold was out the prior 2 years. This is a 2 level motor court style hotel. Hot breakfast is included in the rates. 2 block walking distance from downtown main street with many other places to get your belly full and drink-on. Non-ethanol gas is 5 blocks away. Walmart is 10 blocks away. Hardware stores, auto parts, cycle sales/repair shops, liquor store, sporting goods, campground, train museum, college - all close by. Because of last year's sell-out, make your reservation early. Here is a link to the motel's website and here's a link to the discussion at I-BMW.com

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The 17th Annual I-BMW Deals Gap Rally: October 6-8th, 2016 New!

Where: Tapoco Lodge
Nearest town: Robbinsville, NC
When: October 6th-9th, 2016 [Thur-Sat] Check out Sunday
Reservations: Direct 800.849.2258

The Tapoco Lodge (near Robbinsville) site of our first 9 or so DGR's and last year's rainfest will again host the 2016 event. Hopefully without any hurricanes spoiling the fun. The newly renovated, upscale Tapoco has reserved (20) cabins for our motley group and this year with cheaper rates. Woohoo!! All cabins for 2016 range from $159-219 a night and many will have new hot tubs for 2016. Be sure to mention i-bmw group when booking. Amber and I will be there. Neither of us will be wearing panties.

Alternate Lodging in Robbinsville, NC. Microtel Motel or Fontana Village Resort
Closest BMW dealer: Eurosport of Asheville, NC

We're baaaaaack!

Cancellation Policy 2016: In the event of cancellation 30 days prior to the event, guest will be charged for one night. If the cancellation is outside of the 30 days, there will be no charge. This policy will be strictly enforced in 2016 and is non-negotiable. Savvy?

...and don't forget... Pirates Lair will be offering your choice of either Pirates Lair tees or $25 gift cards to anyone who achieves a "velocity award" while in transit to or from DGR 2016 .. If we don't reward bad behavior... who else will?? Arrrrrrg.


How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have a new contribution this month.Check out tip # 165 sent in by Bill Gray of Wynnewood, PA !
Thx, bro. Could his tip save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

We have no contributions this month, but a perfect way to start the new year is our last contribution. Check out
What To Do When You're The First On The Scene At An Accident. The life you save may be mine.

Click For Larger Image.. If You Want a Chub..

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues