Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around every other month, when I deem you are worthy, we post a new cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates Lair. How else are you going to find out?

Warning: While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, liberal, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment. Basically.. "enter at ye own peril.."

FYI.. If you'd like to be notified when each new newsletter is posted, just email me with your request and I'll make that happen. Our email database is 100% secure. Stored in a lock box formerly owned by Al Gore. Never shared or sold to third parties. Never perused by the NSA or Russian hackers.

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: March / April 2017 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the month.....

The world-class playboy and part-time secret agent from the 1960s, Austin Powers emerges after thirty years in a cryogenic state to battle with his nemesis Dr. Evil. After being thawed and briefed of the situation, Ms.Venessa Kinsington, whom he'll be teamed with for this mission, takes him to pick up his personal effects. A clerk brings out a locker-basket and reads off a list.

Clerk: (reading) Danger Powers, personal effects.
Austin: Actually, my name's Austin Powers.
Clerk: It says here, name "Danger" Powers.
Austin: .. Cooly looking at Venessa...Danger's my middle name.
Clerk: OK, Austin Danger Powers: One blue crushed-velvet suit. One frilly lace cravat. One copy of the Cheesy Pirates Lair Newsletter. One gold medallion with peace symbol. One pair of Italian shoes. One pair of tie-dyed socks, purple. One vinyl recording album: Burt Bacherach. One Swedish-made penis enlarger pump.
Austin: (embarrassed) That's not mine.
Clerk: (reading) One credit card receipt for Swedish- made penis enlarger pump, signed Austin Powers.
Austin: I'm telling you, baby, that's not mine.
Clerk: (reading) One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.
Austin: I don't even know what this is. This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.
Clerk: (reading) One book: Swedish-Made Penis Enlarger Pumps and Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag, Baby, by Austin Powers.
The clerk shows the book to Austin, who is humiliated.
Austin: OK, OK man, don't get heavy, I'll sign. Just to get things moving, baby.

Austin Powers / Mike Myers... Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery 1997

That's not mine, baby..

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Picture Of The Month! Death Valley Nevada! (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our Mar / April POTM was contributed by Sir Trevor Franklin of Victoria BC Canada. He says of the photo..."This shot was taken around 5pm on May 11th, 2016 with my Iphone 5s. I had left Seaside California that morning for my last leg to Las Vegas for my brother in law's wedding....at that point I had traveled around 750kms (475miles) still had another 250kms (150miles) to go....got caught in the dark...realized I had lost my glasses out of my tail bag and rode the last 200kms in the dark with only prescription sunglasses! Lol....riding thru Death Valley desert in the dark with only sunglasses to see....I began to realize why it might be called "Death Valley"....Coyotes, deer...critters running across the road..a sign that said "Wild Horses" and road construction .....I had to wait for a car to come along to follow it out of the desert. Arrived at my wife's brother's house at 10pm...640miles from 8am until 10pm....I have never wanted a "stiff drink" more in my life! "

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of any late model BMW .. B. In focus... C. No GS's for Gods sake.

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Riding in Fog: How to Stay Safe in Murky Weather

If you put in enough miles, sooner or later you're gonna run into a fog bank. They can range from barely annoying to "please God.. let me make it through this alive" scary. As I live in the mountains and do 95% of my riding in the mountains on or near the Blue Ridge Parkway, at certain times of the year fog is expected and it's never fun.

Generally these fog banks are less than 1/4 mile long, but I've seen them last 12-14 miles and be so thick that not only can you NOT see the road either in front of you or even the side, but so thick that you can't see your dash... IMHO.. these fog banks are the most dangerous aspect of riding a motorcycle.. More so than black ice. More so than gravel. More so than a ranger with an attitude. Generally, if I run into one of these fog banks, If I'm NOT out of it within 1 mile.. I turn around and go back the way I came or get off if there's access. If you can't see the road.. cages on the parkway can't see you and will plow right over you unknowingly.. Be afraid. Be very afraid.

Roadrunner Touring & Travel On-Line has a damn good article this month called Riding in Fog: How to Stay Safe in Murky Weather. It's probably the best article on the subject I've seen. I strongly suggest that everyone takes a few minutes to read this article as some of these tips may just save your life. Trust me on this...

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Wilbers Price Reduction for 2017: This Is Gonna Be a Shockingly Good Year!

2017 is shaping up to be an incredible year. First we get a new president who is already getting us back on track... Roger Federer did the impossible by winning his 18th grand slam event in Australia... New England made an epic comeback in the Superbowl... and now we get word that Wilbers, the German suspension manufacturer, is lowering their prices on their suspension kits for the remainder of the year. Up to a whopping $200 off on some of their front and rear combo kits. I've never seen a discount on them like this. Any more good news and I don't think my heart could handle it..

Not sure what has prompted this rare price reduction and I didn't ask when they called last week. With the news just last month that Ohlins has discontinued rear shocks for the K1200RS and all K1200LTs.. this announcement from the Germans couldn't have come at a more opportune time.. Spring is just around the corner and many of our customers are thinking about a suspension upgrade. Perfect timing.

If your factory shocks have 40K+ on them, they are as useless as Al Sharpton in the hood. If your bike has been feeling less stable than you remember it, rather than succumbing to new bike fever, invest in a new pair of shocks and get that "lovin' feelin" back. You want to go faster? With a properly set-up suspension .. you will be faster. You may not have noticed your oem shocks losing their usefulness as it happens so gradually over a period of years, but trust me.. they are toast.

We currently have Wilbers packages for the BMW K1300S /K1300R/K1200R, K1200S, BMW 1998-04 K1200RS or 2002-04 K1200GT , and the venerable 1999-2006 BMW K1200LT. Of course we can get Wilbers for virtually any modern motorcycle. Just email me with your make, model, year and I'll be glad to quote prices and options..

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Motorcyclists: Scientific Proof .. Riding Makes You Smarter

Most riders silently know that it takes more brains to ride a bike properly than to drive a car and now there is actually scientific support for this theory. Why am I not surprised?

Riding a bike every day can make you smarter and prevent the onset of dementia and Alzheimers disease, says Dr Ryuta Kawashima, author of Dr Kawashima's Brain Training. The 57-year-old self-professed motorcyclist conducted a study in 2009 at the University of Tokyo that found riders aged 40-50 had improved levels of cognitive function after riding their bikes daily to work for just two months. Cognitive function includes processing thoughts, memory and speech. His team believes the concentration required to operate a motorcycle's various controls and survive the daily rush hour increase brain function.

Compare the complexity of the daily commute on a motorcycle to the levels of concentration required (or at least the levels of concentration most commuters use) in an automatic car. Kawashima says a car is a comfortable machine which does not activate or stimulate our brains. His study involved riders with an average age of 45 some of whom were regular riders and others who had not ridden in 10 years. They were required to do eight different courses with a variety of challenges while their brain function was recorded. It found the right hemisphere of the prefrontal lobe was activated while riding.

For those who didn't go to med school, the right temporal lobe is the problem solver and decision maker. It governs motor behavior and impulse control. It is also used for making judgments, memory, social behavior, and sexual behavior. So there you go, riding a bike is exercising a lot of important areas and may even be good for your libido. Duh.. As my dear wife will attest, I'm always in the mood for a roll in the hay after a ride..

The study found that not only did the participants brains get a daily workout, but their memory improved, their spatial reasoning was boosted and the participants claimed their stress levels decreased. By using motorcycles more in our life, we can have positive effects on our brains and minds, Dr Kawashima says. This same doctor also developed several brain-teaser games that have not only improved the memory of 60% of dementia suffers, but also earned him more than $30m in royalties. With the number of dementia sufferers expected to triple worldwide from 36 million to 115 million by 2050, according to the World Health Organization, scientists are increasingly turning to non-drug treatment such as the good doctors games. However, it might be better to encourage more people to ride motorcycles! There you go, my friends... When some non-rider asks you why you ride.. you can tell them with a straight face that according to "science"... riding a motorcycle makes you smarter, improves your memory, increases your sex drive, lowers stress, and prevents the onset of dementia and Alzheimers disease.. Bam...

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It's a Bird... It's a Plane... No It's a Recovery!

Four years ago in our November 2012 Newsletter  and the accompanying customer-alienating diatribe, I flat our predicted that if Barry Obama was reelected, by the time he left office there would be rioting in the streets, a huge racial divide, civil unrest the likes that our country hasn't seen since Martin Luther King was alive, and .... Pirates Lair would probably not survive. At the time I was accused by many of being an alarmist. As it turns out, my predictions were dead on accurate all save one. Pirates Lair did survive, although we come sliding into 2017 on financial fumes and emotionally traumatized. The good news is... things are looking up. While it'll be months before we can relax and feel confident that our future is secure, we're feeling very upbeat and positive today and for good reason.

The latest polls show that since the election, businesses (both small and large) all over the country are optimistic for the first time in years. According to Bloomberg, those that are expecting business conditions to improve skyrocketed from a reading of -6 to a whopping +38. The stock market has increased by a staggering 10% since Jan.. It's obvious that the tide has finally turned and we at the "Lair" have suited up and are gleefully riding that wave of optimism.

I speak with a couple of dozen vendors on a regular basis.. Both foreign and domestic. Some are close and trusted confidants. Some are adversaries, but one thing we all have in common is that we are all seeing an upswing in sales.  Pirates Lair just had the biggest January / February since 2007... I'd guesstimate a 50% increase in business. Two other US vendors we deal with on a weekly basis are seeing the same numbers.. Coincidence? Hardly..

According to Funk and Wagnalls, Pirates Lair came into being in 1999 when modems were dial-up and screeched like banshees, AOL was the #1 internet portal, Bill Clinton was swearing he did not have sexual relations with that woman, and Lance Armstrong had just won his first Tour de France.  For the first 8 years of our illustrious existence we had a yearly sales increase of 30% per year. Every year. Life was good. Plans for retirement and our dream home were on the horizon.. New toys filled my garage. Amber and I enjoyed 2-3 international vacations a year..  3 ply toilet paper adorned our bathroom and caressed our various orifices on a daily basis. We were approaching our first million dollar year in 2007 when almost overnight sales plummeted by 70% and with only minor fluctuations, we've stayed there for the last 8 years. At first I thought I had simply lost my business mojo, but it became evidently quite quickly that others were suffering the same fate. Our vendors were dropping like chiclets at an ALS conference. We lost at least a 1/2 dozen vendors over the last 3 years. Amber and I had to resort to down-scaling gymnastics to survive, but survive we did. We learned a lot during the customer drought and definitely came through smarter, leaner, and wiser.. As somebody once said.. "what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.."

Bottom line.. we're feeling cautiously optimistic as we move forward with a new president. Apparently many customers are, too.. Having navigated the small business carnage and made it out the other side, Amber and I would like to thank everyone for their support over the last 8 years. We simply would not have survived without our return customers, their referrals, and of course.. the voters of our great country. These days when you see me, the odds are good that I'll have a big smile on my face and.... 3-ply toilet paper back in our bathroom.. Life truly is looking up...

What's New In the BMW No-Spin Zone

1. Another one bites the dust.. We just got word from Ohlins Shocks that they have discontinued the BM702 Rear Shock for the 1998-2004 BMW K1200RS and all K1200LTs ... So basically, only front Ohlins shocks are still available for those bikes.. Dang! An unexpected coup d'état for Wilbers...

2. In case you haven't heard the news..-- Polaris Industries Inc. just announced it will immediately begin winding down its Victory Motorcycles brand and related operations. Polaris will assist dealers in liquidating existing inventories while continuing to supply parts for a period of 10 years, along with providing service and warranty coverage to Victory dealers and owners. Motorcycle sales were down for all manufacturers here in the US for 2016 (as were accessories to go on those bikes) so I'm not completely surprised. Hate to hear this even though I was no fan of them..... Read the whole weepy story here...

3. It's official... BMW Motorrad drops two models from its lineup. While the G650GS and K1300S may not necessarily be considered suddenly obsolete, it appears they no longer fit the BMW Motorrad business plan. The 650 has effectively been replaced by the F700GS. The K1300S meanwhile, once the sportiest of BMW’s inline fours, has also been eclipsed by more powerful fours from Japan, and by the even sportier BMW S1000RR. The Bavarians were among the first to bring features like ABS and electrically adjustable suspension to the sportbike menu, but it didn't take the competition long to respond.

4. BMW Motorrad USA 2017: New pricing for the 2017 R nineT, Racer, Pure, R1200GS, GS Adv, S1000RR and R. What's in your wallet?

5. We have lots of 2017 I-BMW Rally information coming in and posted below in our Rally Section. .. Dates have already been set for the Australian Rally in March, Texas Hill Country Rally in April, Blue Ridge Parkway Rally in May, Summer Solstice Rally.. aka.. SSR in June, and the Deals Gap Rally in September.. Check these out and attend if you can.. I-BMW rallies are like no other. If you have info on another I-BMW event that I've not listed yet.. please let me know. These times and dates don't just magically appear.. Somebody has to make the effort to let us know..

6. Strong BMW Motorrad USA Sales in January: As per my blurb above (It's a bird.. it's a plane..).. apparently BMW is enjoying the same "Trump bump." US business for January is up a whopping 48% compared to the same month last year.... That's not only good news for the Germans, but that's also good for all the vendors who carry products for those bikes.. Sweet! Let the farkling begin.

7. The new Navigator VI GPS Receiver was just introduced by BMW Motorrad. The new unit retains the same external dimensions as before so it should be a drop in replacement to all BMW motorcycles that accept the previous Navigator V. Like the last model, the new Navigator has a 5″ display, but it has been updated to include a circular polarizing filter, which should enhance readability, particularly in strong and even direct sunlight. Very tasty. It's not on my "I want one" list....

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. New Product Alert 2017: Just before Christmas we completed our latest backrest project for the Kawasaki Versys 1000 Stealth Backrest. They are now in stock.. Yes.. it's the worst time of the year to introduce a new product, but that's just the way the cards fell. Feedback (as expected) is all good.. Basically, our Versys kit is a slightly modified version of our Concours Stealth backrest. Install, like virtually all our other backrests, is a one beer job taking under 10 minutes with basic tools and intellect. Price is a little higher than our other kits due to some extra CNC parts. We ordered a small quantity on this first production run as A. It's winter and B. We're not sure what the demand will be on this kit. Spread the word.

2. Speaking of backrest projects... six months ago I would have told you that our BMW R1200RS Stealth Backrest project was dead as disco. I'd looked at it for almost a year and just simply wasn't happy with what my aging brain was coming up with. I shelved the project in utter defeat and moved on.. Now it's not only back on the docket, but I think we'll probably have production pieces by summer 2017.. Chalk it up to an unexpected epiphany... Very excited about this one..

In Stock!

3. New Product Alert 2017: S1000XR Huggers - Pirates' Lair and Pyramid Plastics want to help you protect the backside of your S1000XR with your choice of 4 rear huggers. Available finishes.. Black, Red, White, (in fiberglass) and of course.. 100% Carbon Fiber. Protect your bike from flying debris and add a little flash with this British import. Each piece has a deep, hand rubbed gloss finish for the ultimate in spectacular looks. Of course.. these are paintable! Mounting hardware included. No mods necessary. Simple bolt on. Chimp easy install. Chimp not included..

4. New Product Alert 2017: Got an email from a customer in Australia the other day asking why I didn't have any windshields for the S1000R on our website... Honestly.. I simply hadn't thought of it.. DOH! Last night I got a page up for ZTechnik's VStream S1000R Windshields. Z offers a Dark Tinted Sport version and a Lightly Tinted Sport Touring Version.. As with most Z shields, they attach with oem hardware... Any questions.. let me know.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

5. New Product Alert 2017: Back on the menu for 2017 is the Ilmburger K1300S / K1300R Carbon Fiber Hugger Many of our sick yet loyal followers will recall that we lost our Ilmburger supplier about a year or so ago. Well.. while we are NOT carrying the entire Ilmburger product line for the new year, we have managed to secure a source for the BMW K1300S or K1300R Hugger. Sweet! It was a big seller. These provide the ultimate protection for the rear shock absorber. Spend less time cleaning, more time riding! Simply the best on the market...Glad to have them back..

6. New Product Alert 2017: Another item new to our R1200GS menu is the ZTechnik Fairing Winglets. ZTechnik claims they raise the comfort level of the 2013+ Liquid-Cooled BMW R1200GS for both touring and off-road riders. The Z GS Fairing Winglets extend the performance of the bike’s windshield by diverting buffeting underdrafts and turbulent air from the rider’s cockpit. The GS Fairing Winglets are fuller and higher than the small OEM Cockpit Fairing parts and mount easily to existing points on the motorcycle in less than 15 minutes. Be the best you can be. They do NOT fit the Adventure.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare!

7. New Product Alert 2017: Once again, Pirates' Lair is forced to complete what BMW's designers failed to do.. and without their astronomical pay. Pyramid Plastics R1200RS / R1200R Frame Cap Kit This easy to install 11 piece frame cap kit fits the 2015+ BMW R1200RS LC and/or R1200R. This frame cap kit is lovingly produced by Pyramid Plastics in the UK and is designed to snap into place with the tap of a rubber hammer or push of the thumb. Honestly.. can you live with those butt-ugly holes BMW left for you?

8. New Product Alert 2017: Nothing is worse than arriving at your destination after a long (or short) ride in the rain and all your gear/clothing/yeyo is wet..Other than taking your SUV next time, here's a smart alternative.. We are now carrying DrySpec Motorcycle Dry Bags. Each 100% waterproof bag is made from rugged 22oz vinyl and coated Cordura. We're offering 3 different size bags which come in 3 different colors. Black, Orange, and Gray. Whether your motorcycle decides to take a nap during your favorite water crossing or the skies let loose torrential rain, keep your essential gear stowed and dry.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare!

I-BMW Rally Event News : 2017
NOTE: I-bmw.com is not an "official" sponsor of any of the following posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

Australian I-BMW Rally: March 3-7th, 2017

Currently all details including detailed maps showing the daily routes, lodging, etc... can be found at I-BMW.com

Basically.. starting in the town of Tumut, NSW, Australia on the Thursday 2nd March afternoon/night.. Why those dates? Victoria Labor Day Weekend is the following weekend and is a bike and hotrod show in Bright, and the World Superbikes is scheduled for the previous weekend (24-26th Feb). This should give us the same riding as last year which was clear roads with the minimum of “fuzz/Leos” about. Starting and finishing the rally in Tumut may present an opportunity to unload some gear for a few days for some long distance riders, and will also work for anyone that wants to “trailer” their bike to the rally. The weather…… could be cold mornings and warm afternoons like the 2015 Rally, could be 36 Degrees every day like the 2016 Rally. More importantly we hope it doesn't rain..

Motorcycle rentals are available out of Sydney and Melbourne with quite a few BMW's on the menu. Costs are about $200-300+ a day plus insurance, deposit etc. Be a part of (hopefully) a new tradition.. and watch out for the 'roos.

Texas Hill Country I-BMW Rally : April 24-28th, 2017

Where: River Inn Resort approx 7 miles west of Hunt, TX. - 1-800-841-0501 or 1-830-238-4226.
When: April 24-28th, 2017 - (check in Monday, check out Fri. AM)

Room prices - same as last year (pre-tax): 2 bedroom - $110 / 1 bedroom - $75. / Studio - $75. A reservation deadline has not been issued, but a stricter cancellation policy is in effect.. All cancelled reservations will be charged $25.00 per unit processing fee. If cancelled LESS than 30 days prior to arrival date, full deposit will be retained. No last minute cancellations due to bad weather. There is now a coined operated guest laundry. No pets allowed.

The River Inn Resort in Hunt, Texas is on the banks of the Guadeloupe river. Lodging is limited, so book early to guarantee a room. You can secure your reservation with AMEX, MasterCard or Visa....

For further details check @ the official tread at I-BMW.com ...and don't forget... Pirates Lair will be offering your choice of either Pirates Lair Plundering hats, Pirates Lair tees, or $25 gift cards to anyone who achieves a "velocity award" while in transit to or from or at the rally itself..

Show me more!!

Blue Ridge Parkway I-BMW Rally: May 18th-21st, 2017 New Date!

Where: Wattstull Inn, just north of Buchanan, Virginia
When: May 18th thru 21st, 2017 - Arrive Thursday depart Sunday May 21st.

Call 540-254-1551 for reservations. / Mention: i-bmw group
SPECIFY ROOM TYPE - single, double, king.. / Rooms are $70 per night plus tax

Blue Ridge Parkway info and maps can be found here and here

Alternate Lodging (info only) : Super 8 – Bedford or Days Inn – Bedford or Peaks of Otter Lodge

SSR / Summer Solstice I-BMW Rally: June 29- July 2nd, 2017

Where: The Colonial House Inn and Motel in Weston VT on Rt 100
When: June 29- July 2nd, 2017 - Arrive Thursday depart Sunday May 21st.

Call (802) 824-6286 ask for Jeff or Kim and say you're with the I-BMW group.

There are 14 rooms of different bed and bath arrangements - BOOK EARLY
Cancelation policy is two weeks notice. They will invoice you through SQUARE.
There can be a BBQ if we give notice, Jeff does a mean Pulled Pork BBQ. Or if there is interest he will come up with a dinner menu but the restaurant isn't normally open for dinner.

The 18th Annual I-BMW Deals Gap Rally: Sept 28-30th, 2017 New Date!

Where: Tapoco Lodge
Nearest town: Robbinsville, NC
When: Sept 28-30th, 2017 [Thur-Sat] Check out Sunday
Reservations: Direct 800.849.2258

The Tapoco Lodge (near Robbinsville) site of our first 9 or so DGR's will again host the 2017 event. Hopefully without any hurricanes spoiling the fun. The newly renovated, upscale Tapoco has reserved all their cabins for our motley group. Woohoo!! All cabins for 2017 range from $129-229 a night. Be sure to mention i-bmw group when booking. Amber and I will be there. Neither of us will be wearing panties. They are taking reservations now!

Alternate Lodging in Robbinsville, NC. Microtel Motel or Fontana Village Resort
Closest BMW dealer: Eurosport of Asheville, NC

Cancellation Policy: In the event of cancellation 30 days prior to the event, guest will be charged for one night. If the cancellation is outside of the 30 days, there will be no charge. This policy will be strictly enforced in 2017 and is nonnegotiable. Savvy?

We're baaaaaack!


How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

Our last two contributions were for our HowTo Survive The Tail of the Dragon page. Check out #21 & 22 sent in by old geezer, Bart Lee. Could any of our tips save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

We have a new contribution this month. Check out
Wilbers Shocks Install on K1200S... A Shocking Tale! contributed by McFly (aka Curt) over at I-BMW.com.

Click For Larger Image.. If You Want a Chub..

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues