Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... Gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around every other month, when I deem you are worthy, we post our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

Warning: While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, liberal, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment.

FYI.. If you'd like to be notified when each new newsletter is posted, just email me with your request and I'll make that happen. Our email database is 100% secure. Stored in a lock box formerly owned by Al Gore. Never shared or sold to third parties. Never perused by the NSA.

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: Jan / Feb 2018 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start this issue...

The world-class playboy and part-time secret agent from the 1960s, Austin Powers emerges after thirty years in a cryogenic state to battle with his nemesis Dr. Evil. After being thawed and briefed of the situation, Ms.Venessa Kinsington, whom he'll be teamed with for this mission, takes him to pick up his personal effects. A clerk brings out a locker-basket and reads off a list.

Clerk: (reading) Danger Powers, personal effects.
Austin: Actually, my name's Austin Powers.
Clerk: It says here, name "Danger" Powers.
Austin: .. Cooly looking to Venessa...Danger's my middle name.
Clerk: OK, Austin Danger Powers: One blue crushed-velvet suit. One frilly lace cravat. One copy of the Cheesy Pirates Lair Newsletter. One gold medallion with peace symbol. One pair of Italian shoes. One pair of tie-dyed socks, purple. One vinyl recording album: Burt Bacherach. One Swedish-made penis enlarger pump.
Austin: (embarrassed) That's not mine.
Clerk: (reading) One credit card receipt for Swedish- made penis enlarger pump, signed Austin Powers.
Austin: I'm telling you, baby, that's not mine.
Clerk: (reading) One warranty card for Swedish-made penis enlarger pump, filled out by Austin Powers.
Austin: I don't even know what this is. This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.
Clerk: (reading) One book: Swedish-Made Penis Enlarger Pumps and Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag, Baby, by Austin Powers.
The clerk shows the book to Austin, who is humiliated.
Austin: OK, OK man, don't get heavy, I'll sign. Just to get things moving, baby.

Austin Powers / Mike Myers... Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery 1997

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Picture Of The Month! Wassen Switzerland. ! (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our Jan / Feb POTM was contributed by our good friend Bill Harr of Stockton, Ca. He says of the photo..."We left Meiringen Switzerland after a two day stay. Rode over Susten Pass and through a little snow on top, light rain the rest of the way. Still felt like we were riding across a Swiss Travel Calendar. When we got to the village of Wassen where this picture was taken the rain stopped. Veronica said it was time to take a break, love our bluetooth helmets. The small Swiss villages must have been used as models for Disneyland, they are all clean and beautiful. The old 2005 RT we rented worked well for us. Next we were off to St Moritz over Oberalp Pass with more snow on top. Picture was taken with an I-phone 6s. My full trip report can read at bill-veronica.blogspot.com... "

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of any late model BMW .. B. In focus... C. No GS's for God's sake.

---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

Staintune Closing Their Doors: It's Official..

For over 30 years Staintune Australia has been producing the finest motorcycle exhausts on the planet. Most BMW riders know of them and swear by them. Every vendor would sell their soul for Staintune's reputation.

If you've been following our newsletters..(and who doesn't?...) you've known for a while that Staintune Exhausts (in Australia) has been in financial doodoo for the last few years. We sympathize. Sales for the company have been down for a few years now mimicking the worldwide economy and especially the motorcycle accessory market. If that weren't bad enough to soil one's panties, recently passed green "feel-good" regulations inside Australia sealed their fate.

About a year ago, seeing the writing on the wall (or hearing the fat lady singing).. they put their name and company up for sale hoping for a buyer to come in and rejuvenate the established business. That apparently didn't happen. I received the following notification (pasted below & slightly edited) on Jan 21st.

"Jerry.. Thanks for all your emails deeply sorry for the lack of response. Unfortunately we will not be able to fill your current order.
Looks like Staintune is finally closing its doors for the very last time. We still will be able to supply product that we have on the shelf or work in progress for a limited time. We have tried very hard to keep the company going but there are just not enough orders to make it viable. Very sad indeed to see a company like Staintune just get boxed up and sold off like scrap metal. Thank you very much for all your support over the years and I wish you all the very best for the future. Kindest of regards
Adam Greenwood / Staintune Aust Pty Ltd

We at Pirates Lair (and I suspect the entire motorcycling community) wish the current Staintune owners and staff the best in the future. Their legendary products have been the gold standard for as many years as I can remember and they will be missed. Thanks guys for all you've done. It's been one helluva ride.

---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

Cee Baileys Out of the Motorcycle Parts Biz! End of an Era

File this under.. "I didn't see that one coming..".. Just returned from my month long hiatus and discovered that one of our favorite vendors.. Cee Baileys Aircraft Plastics has discontinued their entire line of motorcycle products. Geezus H!! We've all seen their ads for windshields and headlight protectors. The 50 year old company has advertised in virtually all the US bike magazines through the years. As we sell almost a dozen of their products on our website, this news comes as an unexpected blow to our product lines.

To date.. the reason for them dropping the motorcycle end of their operation is not totally clear. We're told, the company is simply redirecting their efforts to their more profitable product line.. ie.. aircraft parts. Sales have been down in the aftermarket motorcycle swag industry for the last 8 years now. To survive we've all had to make adjustments large and small in order to remain players in this competitive industry. My guess is.. this was no easy decision for them to make. Sadly... I, like most, have seen a big turn around since the new president took office and things are getting better, but perhaps that was just too little or too late for Cee Bailey. Again.. I'm theorizing. When I asked the owner of CB what the story was he simply said......

"I am sorry to say we are longer manufacturing any motorcycle parts, we will concentrate on our core business of aircraft only. It has been great working with you for all these years, Thanks." Avo Agishian, M.B.A. Senior Account Manager - We wish them well in 2018....

---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

REMUS "Winter Sucks" Exhaust Sale- Limited Time Offer!

I rarely get a chance to give back to my customers like we used to in the old days.. pre-Obama, .. but when I can... I will...

I just got word a couple of days ago from Remus that they are giving us permission to offer a handful of their exhausts at a "Winter Sucks" discount. They emphasized that the offer was  for a "limited time only," but didn't say when that cut off date was and I didn't ask.... FYI.. A Remus sale is as rare as one of Jimi's white stratocasters so if you've been thinking about an aftermarket exhaust.. now would be the time to pull the trigger if you have the $$$...

We're offering $100 off retail on a Remus for the venerable K1200RS & 2002-04 K1200GT , K1200S, K1300S, 2010-2012 R1200GS, and the 2014+ R1200GS. If you have another bike, let me know and I'll see if I can get a similar discount on an exhaust for it.. Apparently this is a big "limited time" push by the company. My guess is.. it won't last long.

BTW... Until they run out.. we're also giving away a free Pirates Lair tee with every exhaust system sold.... Our tees are stylish (in a "thug" kind of way) and are guaranteed to get you laid more often.* You can choose any color you want as long as it's black...

*Does not apply to married customers or GS riders.

---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

Pirates Lair Closing For Upgrades: Part Two- Back In Black!

On the last day of November 2017 I underwent a full knee replacement surgery in Nashville performed by one of the best orthopedic surgeons in the country. My plans were to be back in our Asheville, NC office by Dec 15th and if all went well with his revolutionary procedure .. that lofty goal was achievable. Unfortunately, things did not go as planned.

I had put banners up on virtually every product page of our website reflecting the Dec 15th return date so our customers would know we were out of town and when we'd be back, not to mention both my phone and email auto-response' reflecting the same information. While my surgery came off without a hitch, the aftermath was a total "clausterfoken. " Apparently once the doctor got in there, he discovered my tendons and muscles were in much worse shape than he'd expected due to the severity of my original injury in the 70's. He had to do some tweaking and tightening of old parts around the new parts.. Long story short.. Instead of 2 weeks, I was stuck in Nashville for an entire month.. Amber came and got me on New Years Eve.

Obviously this caused some of our quasi-esteemed customers some anxiety when orders placed around the 15th never showed up for Christmas. DOH! For that Amber and I offer our full and heartfelt apologies. Fate bitch-slapped me and there was absolutely nothing I could do about it..

Looking forward.. we're back in the saddle and the few issues we had while I was out of town have been resolved. As for this aging pirate, I'm looking at months of rehab to get my leg back in "riding" shape and everyone (except me) seems to think I'll be as good as new... nay.. better, stronger, faster than I've ever been by late summer. While I'm doubtful.... hope springs eternal. Please wish me well. Again.. our apologies for any inconveniences our absence may have caused.

What's New In the No-Spin Zone

1. As per the blurb above or for those with ADD... Cee Baileys has dropped its long line of motorcycle products (ie.. windshields, headlight protectors, etc) after over 50 years in the business.. They are apparently concentrating on their core business of aircraft products. They have been a huge presence in the industry and I hate to see them go. It's a rough time to be in the motorcycle accessory business and I speak from experience.

2. Here's a good way to start the year... Check out the new video review (by Moshe K. Levy) on the BMW DownTown Jacket Well done, Moshe..

3. While updating our Remus product line this week, we got some surprising news. They have discontinued their exhausts for the BMW S1000XR due to lack of demand... Interesting, huh?

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

4. Pretty sure I'm not the only one that thinks the optional "Auto-Emergency-Call" feature on the 2018 R1200GS is the bees knees. From what I understand... if you go down, the bike automatically calls 911 for help. I'll go out on a limb here and predict this comes standard on many bikes (probably not Harley Davidson) within the next 10 years.. or at least as an option like On-Star. What a brave new world this is ...While I'd never buy a GS due to it's profound ugliness, ... I do realize it's on the cutting edge of today's technology and see the attraction.

5. In our rally section below you can find the latest information for 2018 I-BMW Rally events including an all new date and venue for the 20th I-BMW Deals Gap Rally. Be apart of something greater than yourself. .I-BMW events rock hard and are nothing like any other rallies....

6. You like sci-fi? Then you'll like this... BMW Envisions Elevated Roadway for Electric Two-Wheelers

7. As per the blurb in the upper section.. Staintune is closing for good. No idea if there are any Staintunes in stock and available from US vendors, but if you find one that fits your bike..you'd better jump on it as they are about to become extinct except for the "pre-owned" market.

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. New Product Alert: A customer of ours called recently asking where he could find our S1000R sliders on our website He claimed he'd looked over our S1000RR / S1000R product page and simply didn't see them. Before verbally berating him (which is my default response,) I went on line and was shocked.. yes shocked to realize I'd never put up a slider page for the "R"! That oversight has now been remedied here.. . R & G Racing S1000R Sliders We now offer NO CUT Aero frame sliders, front fork sliders, axle sliders, bar end sliders, toe/chain guard, rear cotton reel sliders, as well as offset cotton reel sliders.. These are available in black only. Doing track days? Deals Gap warrior? Alcoholic? Lesson the damage of a drop with a little aftermarket insurance! Replacement parts available. No modifications or cutting necessary on any S1000R sliders we sell.

2. As per the blurb in the upper section.. Pirates Lair will NOT be taking any other Staintune orders due to their pending closure. We have a few silencers left in stock,.. otherwise... that's all folkes...

Click Here To See More... If You Dare!

3. We're now carrying the all new Remus 8 Slip-On Exhaust Systems for the 2013+ BMW R1200GS LC. The multi-pass interior design of the innovative "8" muffler offers a big expansion volume to enable an increase of engine power and torque in combination with the well-known REMUS sound. Remus 8 slip-on exhausts are available in matte stainless steel or black stainless steel. Both choices come with a carbon fiber end cap, connecting tube, and a carbon fiber heat shield which, IMHO, is the reason for the high price.

4. Got a call a few minutes ago from one of our suppliers about a new product they are offering.. I have ZERO idea if there is any market for it, but I thought I'd ask.. Does anyone have any interest in Scottoiler Automatic Chain Lube Systems? Keeps chains clean and lubed-chains last longer and wheels stay cleaner. Honestly, I don't think I've ever had a single request for one, but I learned a long time ago.. never assume. Kits are just under $100.US Email me if you think I should add them to our website or have any interest in one...

5. We've been selling a locally made K1200RS Brake Pedal Extension and a BMW Shift Lever Extension for over 12 years now.. We must have sold a few thousand of them.. Just last week I heard from my good buddy David Swisher..(a member of the elite million mile club which is different than the mile high club) who makes these for us in his shop. He's decided to stop making parts, retire, and ride off into the sunset. A worthy goal indeed. Yippee ki-yay, my friend. - That being said, while the last of his brake pedal extensions have already sold out, we still have his last production run of shift lever extensions in stock. We're going to have (with Dave's blessing) our machinist produce them now that Dave's no longer in the game. We hope to have those by early spring.

6. New Product Alert: Our friends at Hornig of Germany deliver another impressive product with their Hornig S1000R Handlebar Risers These bar risers will allow you to raise the oem handlebars on your S1000R a full 20mm (approximately 3/4 inches) for a slightly more relaxed seating position. Less lean. The adjustment range of the handlebar angle is also increased, which further adds to rider comfort. Chimp easy install taking only minutes with no mods or cables or alcohol required. We suggest you try these before investing in a more expensive riser kit. Sometimes a small change makes all the difference...

7. Pirates Lair Back In Black: As per the blurb above.. we're back and looking forward to 2018 and a rebounding economy. As many of you know, we were closed the entire month of December while I had a full knee replacement done.. Things are gonna be better in 2018.. Of that I'm sure...

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

8. Remus Sale!! As per the blurb above... For a limited time only, Remus is having a rare sale on many of their exhaust systems including the venerable K1200RS & 2002-04 K1200GT , K1200S, K1300S, 2010-2012 R1200GS, and the 2013+ R1200GS... These going on sale is as rare as a total eclipse so if you've been thinking about ridding your beautiful bike of that butt-ugly oem anchor of an exhaust... now would be a good time. They did not tell me how long this offer would be good. Coincidentally.. while they last, we're also giving away a FREE Pirates Lair tee with every exhaust sold. Bam!

I-BMW Rally Event News : 2018
NOTE: I-bmw.com is not an "official" sponsor of any of the following posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

Australian I-BMW Rally: March 2-6th March 2018 New!

Currently all details including detailed maps showing the daily routes, lodging, etc... can be found at I-BMW.com

Basically.. starting in the town of Tumut, NSW, Australia on the Thursday 1st March afternoon/night.. Why those dates? Victoria Labor Day Weekend is the following weekend and is a bike and hotrod show in Bright, and the World Superbikes is scheduled for the previous weekend. This should give us the same riding as last year which was clear roads with the minimum of “fuzz/Leos” about. Starting and finishing the rally in Tumut may present an opportunity to unload some gear for a few days for some long distance riders, and will also work for anyone that wants to “trailer” their bike to the rally. The weather…… could be cold mornings and warm afternoons like our previous rallies, could be 36 degrees every day like the 2016 Rally. More importantly we hope it doesn't rain..

Motorcycle rentals are available out of Sydney and Melbourne with quite a few BMW's on the menu. Costs are about $200-300+ a day plus insurance, deposit etc. Be a part of (hopefully) a new tradition.. and watch out for the 'roos.

Texas Hill Country I-BMW Rally: April 9th -13th, 2018 New!

When: Arrive April 9, depart April 13
Where: Bandera, TX
Command Central: The River Front Motel
Reservations: (830) 328-5110; Ask for Mary Jane or Tracy & be sure to tell them you're with the i-BMW group
Cancellation Policy: 1 week prior to arrival date

As with all our rallies, there are certain standards of behavior & decorum that must be observed & maintained. Should you choose to attend the rally, please be aware that mature, adult behavior in any shape, manner or form is strongly frowned upon and will not be tolerated. Whether it's riding the superb Hill Country roads, being surrounded by miles & miles of Texas wildflowers or getting a mouthful of testicles in Castell, you know it's gonna be a good time! So start making plans to join us for this year's THCR.

Agenda: Meet. Ride. Talk, Eat. Ride. Talk.

Blue Ridge Parkway I-BMW Rally: May 17th - May 20th, 2018 NEW!

Where: Wattstull Inn, just north of Buchanan, Virginia
When: May 17th thru May 20th, 2018 - Arrive Thursday depart Sunday May 20th.

Call 540-254-1551 for reservations. / Mention: i-bmw group
SPECIFY ROOM TYPE - single, double, king.. / Rooms are 75 per night + taxes = $83.50 includes continental breakfast.

Blue Ridge Parkway info and maps can be found here and here

Alternate Lodging (info only) : Super 8 – Bedford or Days Inn – Bedford or Peaks of Otter Lodge

I-BMW Deals Gap Rally: Revived! Sept 13-16th, 2018 New!

Where: Creekside Lodge
Nearest town: Maggie Valley, NC
When: Starts Thursday, September 13th and check out is Sunday, September 16th.
Reservations: 800-621-1260

This year the event will be held in Maggie Valley, NC at the Maggie Valley Creekside Lodge. Rooms are $99 plus tax per night for the Standard room with two queens or $109 plus tax per night for the Creekside Room with two queens. This is for 2 adults. Maggie Valley Creekside Lodge 2716 Soco Road Maggie Valley, NC 28751. We have blocked 16 rooms out of 40 total rooms so call and make your reservations! You can always cancel.

Making discounted reservations are good until August 13th and then special pricing is no longer available. Cancellation is good with a weeks notice, anything less than a week, they charge you for a night. The hotel has some other restrictions that will be passed along at the time you make your reservations (no pets, charges for stealing TV remotes, no smoking in rooms, etc.) There are a few secluded areas to smoke, if you know what I mean. Full details are here...


How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have a new contribution this month from Paul Andry of Highlands, North Carolina . Check out #166. Could his tip save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

We have 2 new contributions to start the year. Both for BNW R1200RS owners. Our first from Grumpy Goat. Check out his YouTube video..
Denali SoundBomb Installation on 2016 BMW R1200RS. This should prove helpful for anyone doing that install.. Thanks, Mr Goat. Our second offering is from our good friend, Charlie..aka Kneedragger.. How To Install an HID Kit on BMW R1200RS. Well done, my aging friend.. Well done..

Click For Larger Image.. If You Want a Chub..

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues