Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around every other month, when I deem you are worthy, we post a new cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

Warning: While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, liberal, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment. Basically.. "enter at ye own peril.."

FYI.. If you'd like to be notified when each new newsletter is posted, just email me with your request and I'll make that happen. Our email database is 100% secure. Stored in a lock box formerly owned by Al Gore. Never shared or sold to third parties. Never perused by the NSA.

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: May / June 2016 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start the month.....

Steve Rogers (aka Captain America) , Natasha Romanoff, and the Falcon have just kidnapped one of the top Hydra leaders in broad daylight and are forcing him to tell them what their global plan is... It's nothing short of global domination...

Jasper Sitwell: Zola'a algorithm is a program for choosing Insight's targets.
Steve Rogers: What targets?
Jasper Sitwell: You! A TV anchor in Cairo, the Under Secretary of Defense, a high school valedictorian in Iowa City, Bruce Banner, Stephen Strange, anyone who's a threat to HYDRA. Now, or in the future.
Steve Rogers: In the future? How could it know?
Jasper Sitwell: How could it not? The 21st century is a digital book. Zola told HYDRA how to read it. Your bank records, medical histories, voting patterns, emails, phone calls, your damn SAT scores. Even your Cheesy Pirates Lair Newsletter! Zola's algorithm evaluates people's past to predict their future.
Steve Rogers: And what then?
Jasper Sitwell: Oh, my God. Pierce is gonna kill me.
Steve Rogers: What then?
Jasper Sitwell: Then the Insight helicarriers scratch people off the list. A few million at a time.

Jasper Sitwell / Maximiliano Hernández... Captain America / Chris Evans .. Captain America Winter Soldier 2014

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Picture Of The Month! Takakkaw Falls in Yoho National Park, British Columbia! (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our May / June POTM was contributed by Daryl Park, aka.. BD43 over at I-BMW.com. He says of the photo..."This is Takakkaw Falls near Field, British Columbia, in Canada. Its highest point is 302 metres from its base. Access is from the Trans-Canada Hwy (No. 1) minutes east of Field on Yoho Valley Road. A 16km climb up the mountain road by bike with a couple very tight switchbacks that can catch you off guard and sure to test your uphill slow turning skills, rewards you at the top along the side of the road with a clear view of the falls. From there, the entrance to the hiking trail, another 500m of hiking brings you to the base of the falls where easily the mist from it can be felt in the air and the noise of the cascading waters more prominent than ever.

The shot was taken on July 19th, 2015. The weather was warm with a gentle breeze, cloudy with partly sunshine, and low 20's (°C). It was shot with a Canon 5D Mark II, 24-105mm lens, with polarizing filter. State of mind? Relaxed listening to the falls and breathing in the fresh scent of the mountain air. There are chairs all along the pathway. Sit in one, enjoy the view, stay a while. Nothing beats its calming effect, even after that crazy switchback turn. How the hell were we going to get back down? As it turns out, it was much easier going down than coming up. Knowing how it is now will probably make it easier to navigate the next time."

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of any late model BMW .. B. In focus... C. No GS's for Gods sake.

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The I-BMW 2016 Hill Country Rally!! Spanktacular Weather!! Fewer Molested Cattle This Year!

We hear the 2016 Texas Hill Country Rally was yet another successful, incident-free event and we've got the pics to prove it! From the reports I've read, the weather was absolutely prefect.. there was plenty of great food.. old friends.. spanktacular roads... and the hookers were noticeably better looking than last years. Isn't that what it's all about? Lots of trip reports are posted over at the quasi-sponsoring website... www.I-BMW.com We heard one unconfirmed rumor that not a single "velocity award" was achieved during the event...!!?? Can that be right?? Have we evolved into a bunch of underachievers? Say it ain' t so!!

A special thanks to the usual suspects who organized the event and all the guys at www.I-BMW.com for promoting yet another successful gathering. Wish I could have been there. Hopefully in 2017 after this coming November's regime change.. It's all about the finances these days.

If interested/bored/bi-curious.. check out our Texas Hill Country Rally 2016 Photo Album. Thx to all the I-BMW.com miscreants who selflessly (and in some cases.. unknowingly) contributed photos to this year's photo album.. Lee and Debbie Fillion in particular. Long live Texas!!

The I-BMW 2016 Hill Country Rally!

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Staintune: Reports of Their Demise Have Been Greatly Exaggerated

For over 30 years Staintune Australia has been producing the finest motorcycle exhausts on the planet. Most BMW riders know of them and swear by them. Every vendor would sell their soul for Staintune's reputation. For years CBT (California BMW/Triumph) and Pirates Lair were the only US importers of Staintune then a few years ago, CBT and Staintune had a falling out leaving only Pirates Lair as the lone US importer. A good position to be in.

Over the last few years, getting product from the Australians has been increasing frustrating and problematic. Over the last few months even basic communications with them has become almost non-existent and cryptic. Shipments from them were rare. Something was going on, but what?

About a month ago I got an email from one of the two owners of Staintune asking us to stop taking orders. I had suspected this announcement was coming. I was told their hundred thousand dollar bending machine was down, they couldn't afford to buy a new one, nor could they figure out how to repair the computer that controls the machine. Basically.. dead in the water. They were working with a skeleton crew.. This was sounding ominous. I offered encouraging words and asked them to let me know when they were back up and running.

As Staintune is our "premier anchor brand," loosing the income their product generated and the status of being the lone US importer would be a kick in the nads.. To be honest, we have been hoping and praying we'd survive Obamunism until the next president can turn this mess around and kinda figured if we were lucky.. very lucky ...we'd come sliding into 2017 on financial fumes. Losing the dollars we made off Staintune could mean our very survival is in question. I actually thought they were going out of business... What else could I think? Suspension of sales.. No communication. Refunds given for products that hadn't been delivered. Customers all over the country telling me they were getting no response from them. I'm no Sherlock Holmes, but the clues were there.. Or were they?

Apparently reports (and my theories) of their demise has been greatly exaggerated and flat out wrong. Last night I learned that they are doing business as usual and have decided to sell direct to customers. WTF?! What I don't understand is why they neglected to send us that courtesy memo. No warning. No explanation. No consideration. No apologies. No respect. It's baffling. I can only assume.. .. no balls. Maybe they thought we didn't sell enough of their product to warrant an explanation. Your guess is as good as mine.

Hell.. I understand their decision. We've had to do the same thing with the backrests we manufacture. It's just business. I'm just hurt and surprised after all these years that they couldn't give us some advance warning. It'll take 2 months before we can even stop the advertising of their product and get new ads produced. BTW... If you see our "expensive" advertisements for Staintune in various magazines over the next few months... just ignore them. Geezz..

Bottom line.. Pirates Lair is no longer selling the Australian exhaust. Staintune says they are selling direct to customers. "I wish them well".. he said through clinched teeth.

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Remus to the Rescue: Our Own Personal CARPATHIA

Ok.. the RMS Staintune has left the port without us taking thousands of our innocent US dollars with it. Advertisements in multiple magazines will have to stop and new ads ordered. Countless man-hours designing pages to promote their product on our website for naught. Other than cry like a little girl and/or drown my sorrows in 30 year old Jamaican Appleton Estate rum (not that there's anything wrong with that...)... what now? Wait to bleed out... wait for the economy to turn around... wait for a government bailout that will never come. Contrary to what my president tells me.. "I built this business" and I'll never let go.. Never let go. Time to suck it up and go to plan B.

We've been selling Remus exhausts for quite a few years now.. Mostly just for the few bikes we specialize in. That's about to change in a big way. I have to admit.. I should have thought of it sooner, but.. I didn't. It's a great product.. They offer competitive prices. I get solid and dependable support from the importer in California and Remus has a slightly better profit margin than Staintune. Sweet. Hell.. I could put any exhaust I want on my own bike and I chose Remus. That says a lot.

Over the last few weeks I've added the entire Remus product line to our website. BMW, Ducati, Honda, Kawasaki, KTM, Suzuki, Triumph, and Yamaha. I honestly didn't realize that they made exhaust systems for so many bikes. Go figure... I've been writing HTML code for 3 straight weeks in preparation for our full court press of their products...(see links below.) and while my brain is fried, I know the effort will pay off in the long run.

Expect to see our new Remus specific ads (pic at right) in multiple magazines in the months to come.. BMWON, BMW Magazine, Rider, and Backroads. Keep us in mind if you're looking for an exhaust in the future and help spread the word. We small vendors depend on word of mouth.

What's New In the BMW No-Spin Zone

I should note that as the K1200RS and first generation K1200GT have been discontinued, I receive less and less news of any new products for them.. I mention this as a few semi-loyal subscribers have accused me of abandoning our roots.. Not true.. I only report what's going on.. Don't shoot the messenger.. I will NEVER abandon the K1200RS crowd. It appears that the times.. they are a changin.' Deal with it. Also.. a special thx to www.I-BMW.com or www.K-Bikes.com for the information & pictures I regularly pilfer from these sites..

1. Rumor Mill: Is BMW Motorrad developing a six-cylinder street-fighter? The folks at online Motorrad, have released a rendering of a six-cylinder street-fighter from BMW Motorrad, the two-wheeler arm of BMW Automobiles. If the report does turn out to be true, this modern day six-cylinder naked, expected to be powered by the same motor that is seen on the K 1600 GT, will churn out a healthy 160 hp. If not an all-new skeleton, this six-cylinder street-fighter may share its chassis with BMW’s litre-class motorcycles, the S1000R and the S1000RR. We shall see..

2. Here's a tip that will save our S1000XR owners some serious doubloons on hard luggage. I'll bet you didn't know that SHAD designed and sells the oem hard bags to BMW. They also make the seat, btw. Did you know that you can buy the exact same bags directly from SHAD at a huge discount?? Buying directly from SHAD you can get their SH36 side cases for $610.US including the mounts. Their SH39 topcase is $225 including the mount.. and their inner bags are a mere $90. All in the BMW branded luggage runs $1055 for the side cases and $700 for the 30liter top case and that does NOT include a reach-around.. You can thank me later..

3. Speaking of hard luggage, aka panniers and topboxes... The guest bedroom is definitely not the best place to keep them when they are off the bike (just ask your spouse), and the garage can be downright dangerous for them (just ask your 5 year old on her bicycle). Kids on bikes, piled up junk, or frisky pets can damage them in a matter of seconds. So what to do with them when they are not on the bike? Glad you asked.. You may want to check out BULLRACK Pannier Wall Mounts. They offer kits for hanging your bags on the wall for most late model BMWs and Yamahas for a reasonable price. Bam problem solved. Out of the way.. safe.

4. Spill some gasoline on your Aerostitch jacket and can't live with the smell? Couch smell like wet dog? After only a few minutes in the hands of that Algerian valet the interior of your new Jag smells like Marlboro Lights and ass? We've been hearing good things about a new unscented, hypoallergenic, non-toxic, biodegradable deodorizer.. Zorbx. Spray it on.. odor gone. Good stuff.. Available at your local Lowes store in the household cleaner isle or at Amazon.com

5. "My God.. it's full of holes."... No.. I'm not misquoting the famous last line from 2001: A Space Odyssey.. I was referring to the new water-cooled BMW R1200GS. The GS frame has more holes in it than Osama Bin Laden. Pyramid Plastics (in the UK) has a solution for the problem. They are now offering a kit.. Frame End Caps for the BMW R1200GS LC to plug those damn holes. While their Frame End Cap Kit has been designed for the R1200GS LC 2013+, they will also fit the R1200R and R1200RS, although one hole will remain unfilled on either side due to changes to the frame on the R1200R and R1200RS. If anyone is interested.. I have a kit in hand that was sent for evaluation and photographs. Let me know. Retail on the kit is around $38 + shipping.

6. While I never break traffic laws (as that would be wrong).... I've ridden with many who do... For those perpetual lawbreakers.. this has got some good tips.. Traffic Tickets: How to Beat the Rap.!

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. NEW PRODUCT 2016: We've been keeping our eyes open for Carbon Fiber bits for the new R1200RS. Here's a tasty piece that just became available. Protect the ass of your 2015+ BMW R1200RS or R1200R with this beautiful Carbon Fiber Rear Wheel Hugger from Pyramid Plastics of the UK. Nothing says "Top 'o the world, ma" like Carbon Fiber. This piece should rock your world. Mounting hardware included. Simple bolt on. Chimp easy install. Pyramid also offers a Gloss Black Fiberglass Rear Hugger which we have in stock at the time of this writing.

2. NEW PRODUCT 2016! We just got our first shipment of R1200RS / R1200R / R1200GSW Extenda Fendas from Pyramid Plastics (in the UK). An inexpensive farkel designed to protect your bike from debris thrown up by the front tire. The R1200RS kit attaches via peel-n-stick adhesive strips. No rivets or screws. They help keep the bike cleaner, cut down on paint damage on the lower fairing, and also protect important parts of the bike such as the radiator and oil cooler. Have you ever had to pick week-old road-kill off your radiator? Trust me.. you don't want to. The new "R-bike" piece costs about $10 more than their other Extenda Fenda kits due to (we are told) a different trimming process. Here's a good close up image of it installed.. Looks cool, huh?

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

3. Military Perks: If you are a veteran or currently serving in the military, effective immediately Pirates Lair is including a FREE Kickstand Pad with every order. You will NOT see these listed on our website. Our kickstand pads are made of authentic black thermoplastic with the legendary Pirates Lair logo emblazoned on them. We hope our service men and women around the world take us up on the offer. This is our humble way of saying "Thank you for all you do, soldier." Just let us know at the time of order and we'll add one to your shipment.

4. NEW PRODUCT 2016! We now have Synto Levers in stock for the mighty K1600GT / GTL.. Retail price is $265 delivered inside the USA

5. AS per the blurb in the top section, we've added the entire Remus product line to our website. BMW, Ducati, Honda, Kawasaki, KTM, Suzuki, Triumph, and Yamaha. While they last, Pirates Lair is giving away a FREE TEE with every exhaust sold.

6. NEW PRODUCT 2016! Woohoo! MV Verholen Of Germany delivers yet again with this impressive 2015+ BMW R1200RS & R1200R LC peg lowering kit.. Crafted out of T-6 aluminum, they are light as a feather and strong as factory. Just what you need for cramped legs and/or bad ergonomics. This German made lowering kit will lower the pegs by between 40mm. Bad knees? Join the club.. Do something about it and stop whining. With the Verholen kit, the actual pegs are adjustable. a shift lever extension is available as an option.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare!

I-BMW Rally Event News : 2016
NOTE: I-bmw.com is not an "official" sponsor of any of the following posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

The 4th Annual I-BMW Rocky Mountain Rally: July 17- 20th, 2016

Where: Quality Inn of Gunnison
Nearest town: Gunnison, Colorado
When: Arrive Sun July 17 through Weds July 20, 2016
Reservations: 970-641-1237

Our base of operations will again be the Quality Inn of Gunnison, which is located at 400 E. Tomichi Ave (also known as U.S. 50) in Gunnison. A block of 25 queen-sized, double, non-smoking rooms are reserved for us under the name "BMW Motorcycle Group." Rate is $95 per night plus taxes. $133 is the normal rate and the hotel sold was out the prior 2 years. This is a 2 level motor court style hotel. Hot breakfast is included in the rates. 2 block walking distance from downtown main street with many other places to get your belly full and drink-on. Non-ethanol gas is 5 blocks away. Walmart is 10 blocks away. Hardware stores, auto parts, cycle sales/repair shops, liquor store, sporting goods, campground, train museum, college - all close by. Because of last year's sell-out, make your reservation early. Here is a link to the motel's website and here's a link to the discussion at I-BMW.com

The 17th Annual I-BMW Deals Gap Rally: October 6-8th, 2016

Where: Tapoco Lodge
Nearest town: Robbinsville, NC
When: October 6th-9th, 2016 [Thur-Sat] Check out Sunday
Reservations: Direct 800.849.2258

The Tapoco Lodge (near Robbinsville) site of our first 9 or so DGR's and last year's rainfest will again host the 2016 event. Hopefully without any hurricanes spoiling the fun. The newly renovated, upscale Tapoco has reserved (20) cabins for our motley group and this year with cheaper rates. Woohoo!! All cabins for 2016 range from $159-219 a night and many will have new hot tubs for 2016. Be sure to mention i-bmw group when booking. Amber and I will be there. Neither of us will be wearing panties.

Alternate Lodging in Robbinsville, NC. Microtel Motel or Fontana Village Resort
Closest BMW dealer: Eurosport of Asheville, NC

Cancellation Policy 2016: In the event of cancellation 30 days prior to the event, guest will be charged for one night. If the cancellation is outside of the 30 days, there will be no charge. This policy will be strictly enforced in 2016 and is non-negotiable. Savvy?

...and don't forget... Pirates Lair will be offering your choice of either Pirates Lair tees or $25 gift cards to anyone who achieves a "velocity award" while in transit to or from DGR 2016 .. If we don't reward bad behavior... who else will?? Arrrrrrg.

We're baaaaaack!


How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have two new contributions this month for our How to Survive Deals Gap page. Check out #21 & 22 sent in by old geezer, Bart Lee. Could any of our tips save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

We have two new contribution this month. Check out the
H7 LED Installation on BMW S1000XR contributed by gr8ridn (a member over at the S1000XR forum) of Kern River Valley, CA. and How to Install Wunderlich SaferView Mirrors On the R1200RS & S1000RR contributed by Sir Richard Clompus of Trinidad, CA.who has posted a PDF over at I-BMW.com

Click For Larger Image.. If You Want a Chub..

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues