Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... Gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around every other month, when I deem you are worthy, we post our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

Warning: While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, liberal, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment.

FYI.. If you'd like to be notified when each new newsletter is posted, just email me with your request and I'll make that happen. Our email database is 100% secure. Stored in a lock box formerly owned by Al Gore. Never shared or sold to third parties. Never perused by the NSA.

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: July / August 2018 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... ..A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start this issue...

Vizzini watches excitedly as the Man in Black takes the goblets, turns his back. A moment later, he turns again, faces Vizzini, drops the iocane packet. It is now empty. The Man In Black rotates the goblets in a little shell game maneuver then puts one glass in front of Vizzini, the other in front of himself.

Man In Black: All right: where is the poison? The battle of wits has begun. It ends when you decide and we both drink, and find out who is right and who is dead.
Vizzini: But it's so simple. All I have to do is divine from what I know of you. Are you the sort of man who would put the poison into his own goblet, or his enemy's?
Vizzini: Now, a clever man would put the poison into his own goblet, because he would know that only a great fool would reach for what he was given. I'm not a great fool, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But you must have known I was not a great fool; you would have counted on it, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Man In Black: You've made your decision then
Vizzini: Not remotely. Because iocane comes from Australia, as everyone knows. And Australia is entirely peopled with criminals. And criminals are used to having people not trust them, as you are not trusted by me. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you.

Man In Black: Truly, you have a dizzying intellect.
Vizzini: Wait till I get going! Where was I?
Man In Black:
Yes -- Australia, and you must have suspected I would have known the powder's origin, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me.
Man In Black:
You're just stalling now.

Vizzini: (cackling) You'd like to think that, wouldn't you?You've beaten my giant, which means you're exceptionally strong. So, you could have put the poison in your own goblet, trusting on your strength to save you. So I can clearly not choose the wine in front of you. But, you've also bested my Spaniard which means you must have studied. And in studying, you must have learned that man is mortal so you would have put the poison as far from yourself as possible, so I can clearly not choose the wine in front of me. But as you are dressed as a pirate I can clearly deduce that you read the Cheesy Pirates Lair Newsletter which makes you more informed than most making you overly confident in your decision making so I can clearly not choose the goblet in front of you.
Man In Black: You're trying to trick me into giving away something -- it won't work.
(triumphant) It has worked -- you've given everything away -- I know where the poison is.
Man In Black: Then make your choice.

Vizzini .. Wallace Shawn / Man in Black.. Cary Elwes .... The Princess Bride 1987

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled No-Spin Zone...!!

Picture Of The Month! Italian Countryside - Almost Heaven (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our July / August POTM was contributed by regular I-BMW poster and gazillion mile rider.. Bert Brumfield and it is one wonderful shot. He says of the photo..."This picture of my wife, Tanya was taken on the first day out of Milan, riding into the hills [mountains?] south west of Milan. The camera is my Asus android phone that has a fantastic camera. We spent the first two nights in a small farm or agritouristamo with rooms. The next stop will be the Cinque Terre on the Mediterranean. "

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of any late model BMW .. B. In focus... C. No GSs for God's sake.

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The 2018 I-BMW Texas Hill Country Rally! I Need A Liver Transplant!

The 2018 Texas Hill Country Rally was da bomb and we've got the pics to prove it! Event reports are posted over at the quasi-sponsoring website... www.I-BMW.com Here's a good place to start from regular poster McFly....

"As it happens with most good things, they eventually do come to an end. And in most cases, they end way too soon. Such was the case for this year's THCR. All I can say for those of you that couldn't make it and to those that wished they'd come, you missed a dandy, dat fo sho! The River Front Motel turned out to be a great choice for Command Central & Bandera was a lot of fun and a great location getting to all our favorite roads in the Hill Country. To be honest & to provide full disclosure, I’m actually glad the THCR is over… had it gone on much longer, I would’ve had to admit myself into the Betty Ford Clinic or at the very least, enrolled in one of those 5-step programs for alkies & boozers… my liver needed a rest & couldn't take much more!" Read his full report...

If interested/bored/bi-curious.. check out our THCR 2018 Photo Album. Thx to all the I-BMW.com miscreants who selflessly (and in some cases.. unknowingly) contributed photos to this year's photo album..ie.. McFly. Thx again to those responsible in making this annual event a continued success.

More pics, por for vor...

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"And Pirate saw the light, and it was good.." - Jiayou New Energy H7 LED Headlight Bulbs

I've been wanting to add LED H7 Headlight Bulb kits to our menu for years, but they were always too big for motorcycle applications and/or simply didn't deliver the brightness our customers demand and deserve. I wasted a lot of money over the last 2 years ordering kits from various manufacturers around the world only to discover they wouldn't fit in the housing. Up until recently.. I had all but given up. Then like a heavenly light from above..(pun intended).. I found an LED bulb that's small, bright, Can-Bus compatible, chimp-easy to install, and inexpensive. Bam! I ordered one and did my prerequisite road testing. After that went well, I sent a few out into the field for testing... ZERO issues. Bam!.

I had been using Sylvania H7 Xtra Vision halogen bulbs (arguably the best on the market) in my K1200S for the last few years and while they are an improvement over oem, I've still been wanting more light up front. I've also ridden other bikes with HID conversion kits so I know how bright those are. So why haven't I installed HID bulbs on my bike? Especially since we sell them...? Good question. Glad I asked. Honestly.. I've just been too chicken-shit to take the time and make the effort as it does take a little brain drain. I'm sure many others feel the same way. Enter the new LED bulbs..

After installation, I was very curious as to how the LED bulb would fare against a halogen bulb and our NSSC HID kit. After a few hundred miles, I'd say the LED bulb is about right in between in visible brightness.. Where the HID is 200% brighter than the oem halogen bulb, .. my seat-o-da-pants impression is that the LED is about 100% brighter than oem. The LED bulb throws a wider pattern than my halogen with a whiter, brighter light, but about the same distance. IMHO.. the LED bulb is a serious improvement over any halogen, but nowhere near as bright as an HID. Yet.. That being said, .. the ease of install as compared to an HID bulb, super-long life, and price make the LED a viable upgrade alternative. I've been wanting more light up front and now there's a simple plug-n-play solution.

By the time this newsletter goes live, we will have the Jiayou New Energy H7 LED Headlight Bulbs in stock. I'll add that with the advancements in LED technology growing in leaps and bounds, these kits will only be getting better and we plan on staying ahead of the curve with the latest upgrades and offerings. The future is bright, my friends..

Show me the light...

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Taco Bell, Marijuana, And Motorcycles—Riding While High
By Sam Smith and Zach Bowman via motorcyclistonline.com

It's been rumored that I've been a stoner for decades. The pic at right which has been floating around for years would tend to corroborate that accusation, but I submit to you.. this obviously photoshopped image first appeared in a suspect dossier funded by my opponents in an attempt to diminish my status. While that does kinda look like me and a buddy smoking a doobie while listening to Jethro Tull's "Benefit" ... I assure you... er...ah.. Dang.. I forgot what I was gonna say..

The fact is.. in almost 45 years of motorcycling, I've only ridden while high twice. Once back in 1979, I rode my KZ1000 LTD across town to pick up a bag of Panama Red for a buddy. That was powerful 'urb back then and a taste to die for, I might add. I broke precedent that day and smoked part of a joint before heading back home. I rode one block and parked for 2 hours while the high subsided as I knew I was (in technical terms).. "baked." The second time was at one of the I-BMW Texas Hill Country Rallies. I was on a pristine loaner 98 K1200RS furnished at no charge by Rhinewest Performance back when I was a celebrity. I had just left one of our infamous "safety meetings" and while attempting a zero mph turn-around... I dropped the bike. That incident cost me over $2500 out of pocket. Geezz..

In a word.. riding while high is stupid. I say that as a rumored professional stoner and a seasoned motorcyclist. The two "sports" simply do not mix. That being said, I just read the coolest article about riding while high where the two journalists actually get stoned, ride, and then measure the numbers. It's pretty funny and well written.. Thought I'd share...

"The tacos are a godsend. Also the rubbery chicken quesadilla and the scuzzy bean burrito and the half-gallon of Mountain Dew, even though the latter was flat and the color of radioactive urine. There was even good in the Taco Bell hot-sauce packets, which come in five flavors, all of which smell like old chemical plant and shoe. Unless you are as stoned as a billy goat. Then your brain operates mostly in exclamation points. That Dew is transcendent! The sauce is a flavor cannon!"... Read more..

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New At Pirates Lair: Carbon Fiber for the BMW S1000XR & S1000R

I just went live with two new menus for Carbon Fiber products for the BMW S1000XR & S1000R. Yea yea.. It's taken me a while to get around to it, but I finally got 'er done. Getting bitched out on a weekly basis by customers looking for CF was admittedly.. highly motivational.

I know there will be a lot of S1000R guys buying CF from us, but I have no idea if the XR guys will show up. I'm unfamiliar with the mind set of those riders. Time will tell.. We now offer Carbon Fiber from Bestem, Ilmberger, Slingshot Racing, Pyramid, and ZTechnik for those bikes. Each piece is as light as mountain air and offers a deep, hand rubbed gloss finish for the ultimate in weight loss and good looks. You want your bike to stand out? Are we not men?!

Unbeknownst to most except industry insiders, Bestem has made leaps and bounds over the last few years with quality being their #1 priority. Due to the fact that they recently invested millions in new molds and manufacturing equipment, I predict that soon.. very soon their product could become the top option in the US. Bestem is the only CF manufacturer to offer a 6 month limited warranty. The legendary quality of Ilmberger goes without saying..

For the S1000R owner.. check out our Bestem S1000R CF Menu. Or this sleek, sexy S1000R Bellypan from German company Ilmberger.. or this beautiful S1000R CF Swingarm Cover by Slingshot Racing.

For our XR customers, check out our Bestem S1000XR Carbon Fiber Menu.. and this sleek Carbon Fiber Hugger from Pyramid. Pretty damn sure you won't be disappointed.

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What's New In the No-Spin Zone

1. The BMW R1200RT is the UK’s best-selling tourer, but new spy shots of the 2019 BMW R1200RT (which most are saying will be a 1250) suggest it is getting an update that will bring better tech and a new, more powerful 150hp engine to keep it relevant in the face of competition from KTM and Ducati’s big-power continent-crushers.

2. Check out the most exclusive BMW Motorcycle ever made....and a video teaser.. Pretty sure this is what Jesus would ride..

3. The BMW MOA International Rally site for 2018 is exotic Des Moines, Iowa. The Iowa State Fairgrounds will host BMW MOA members July 12 - 15, 2018. If you like to go to events with massive crowds, old guys in tents, and thousands of old BMW twins.. there's no better place to be. Think of it as Daytona Bike week without the Harleys, scantily clad women, or the beach.

4. Got a windshield that's seen better days? Scratches? Sand-blasted pits? Stains from acid-tainted bug guts? Rather than trash the rough looking screen and buy a new one, did you know you can repair it? Check out the Scratch Off Aircraft Windshield Repair Kit for around $40. Scratch Off remains the leading plexiglass and lexan restoration system worldwide and is guaranteed, when used as directed, to permanently improve the clarity of ALL aircraft or motorcycle windshields.. The reviews are all good.... You're welcome.

5. Dunlop Roadsmart III are now available in 19" diameter to fit the BMW R1200GS! Yes! Finally a long lasting, sport and touring tire for those who have no desire to ride their steeds in the dirt!

6. Here's something we can look forward to in the near future.. A motorcycle headlight bulb with a self-leveling projector beam... from ALLight This is the best idea I've heard in a long time..

7. Coming to a motorcycle near you. KTM is now the first motorcycle manufacturer to demonstrate Adaptive Cruise Control and Blind Spot Detection systems.

8. We discontinued our ST1300 Stealth Backrests a few years ago when Honda stopped selling the bike in the US. For a while that was our biggest seller, but when the demand is gone.. it's just not cost effective to keep producing them. We still get a request or two a month. While in to see our machinist a few weeks ago he mentioned he still had a few parts left over from that project and wanted to know what to do with them. I asked if he could assemble them to produce any full kits.. Today I stopped by and he had (4) ST1300 Backrests kits complete.. That being said.. if you know anyone who has an ST1300 and is looking for a backrest.... these will be the last kits we'll produce. Period.

9. At this time of year, there is a lot of speculation and some "SPY" photos coming out on next year's bikes. .. Check this out.. 2019 BMW F850GS Adventure Spy Photos ad this brief look at the 2019 R1250GS

10. BMW pulls the cover off another sleek concept machine...the sexy new "Concept 9cento"... Here's another article about the bike from BMWBlog

11. We've been hearing from dubious sources that there will be a 2019 BMW K1300R.... Available in Black or Red... These sources claim that BMW will offer an optional package at a discounted price, which includes a heated seat, on-board computer and LED direction indicators with a rear lamp, sports windshield and adjustable suspension electronics. A nice new feature is the installation of previously available for an extra charge sport wheels in the basic configuration. Honestly.. I find this very hard to believe...

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. New Bagger Product: We now offer ZTechnik VStream K1600B / Bagger Windshields. According to the manufacturer, they create a comfortable ride for the BMW sport touring rider. To create comfort, other manufacturers will offer taller windshields and spoiler tops to lift the air stream. ZTechnik designed, for the first time ever, a windshield with airflow calculated and adjusted to quiet the rider's environment. In addition, VStream windshields are designed with an unprecedented area of protection and an outstanding level of durability and optical clarity that is only available through the use of coated Lexan polycarbonate.

2. New to our KTM Remus menu... We just added the newly released 2018+ KTM Duke Remus Slip-On exhausts.. Full details and dyno chart upon request..

Click Here To See More... If You Dare!

3. By popular demand... we now have a full Carbon Fiber Section for the BMW S1000XR Yes.. for some of us.. appearance is important. Forget about spending your hard earned money at Jos. A. Bank. With Carbon Fiber “you're gonna like the way you look.."

4. We now have a full Carbon Fiber Section for the BMW S1000R Because I know you care about your bike's appearance...

5. New Product Alert! Weiser UltraBrights Extreme LED Turn Signal Inserts The ultimate LED turn signal solution. Weiser Ultrabrights are simply the brightest, most attractive range of turn signal upgrades you can buy. Install is truly plug-n-play. Really!.. Check this out.. Install Guide.. Basically, pop old reflectors out of housing, plug the circuit board into the existing wiring, and put the lens cover back on. Done. Sold in pairs only. We have these for almost every BMW made since 1995. They are 100% CanBus compatible and made in the UK. Full 2 year warranty.

6. I've been told the sale price Remus has been offering on the BMW K1200RS / GT Full Exhaust system is about to go away.. If you've been on the fence.. now would probably be the time to get your ass in gear.. Consider this a last call...

I-BMW Rally Event News : 2018
NOTE: I-bmw.com is not an "official" sponsor of any of the following posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

I-BMW Deals Gap Rally: Revived! Sept 13-16th, 2018

Where: Creekside Lodge
Nearest town: Maggie Valley, NC
When: Starts Thursday, September 13th and check out is Sunday, September 16th.
Reservations: 800-621-1260

This year the event will be held in Maggie Valley, NC at the Maggie Valley Creekside Lodge. Rooms are $99 plus tax per night for the Standard room with two queens or $109 plus tax per night for the Creekside Room with two queens. This is for 2 adults. Maggie Valley Creekside Lodge 2716 Soco Road Maggie Valley, NC 28751. We have blocked 16 rooms out of 40 total rooms so call and make your reservations! You can always cancel.

Making discounted reservations are good until August 13th and then special pricing is no longer available. Cancellation is good with a weeks notice, anything less than a week, they charge you for a night. The hotel has some other restrictions that will be passed along at the time you make your reservations (no pets, charges for stealing TV remotes, no smoking in rooms, etc.) There are a few secluded areas to smoke, if you know what I mean. Full details are here...


How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have no new contributions this month. Our last was from Paul Andry of Highlands, North Carolina . Check out #166. Could his tip save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

We have no new contributions this issue. Our last contribution was from "Voxmagna" (a regular poster over at I-BMW.com ) who resides in London, England
. I'll wager that his tip might just be a godsend to many K1200RS owners... K1200RS Blinker Pods: 'Fixed' Forever! Thanks, Vox. Well done..

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Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues