Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... Gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around every other month, when I deem you are worthy, we post our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

Warning: While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment.

FYI.. If you'd like to be notified when each new newsletter is posted, just email me with your request and I'll make that happen. Our email database is 100% secure. Stored in a lock box formerly owned by Al Gore. Never shared or sold to third parties. Never perused by the NSA.

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: May / June 2019 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... .. A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start this issue...

Shane walks into the saloon, eyes it's occupants, then slowly walks over to the bar. From the far wall he hears.. "I'm not dealing with you. Where's Starrett?"

Shane: You're dealing with me, Ryker.
Ryker: I got no quarrel with you, Shane. You walk out now and no hard feelings.
Shane: Yeah, you've lived too long. Your kind of days are over.
Ryker: My days! What about yours, gunfighter?
Shane: The difference is I know it.
Ryker: All right. So we'll all turn in our six-guns to the bartender. We'll all start hoeing spuds. Is that it?
Shane: Not quite yet. We haven't heard from your friend here.
Jack Wilson: I wouldn't push too far if I were you. Our fight ain't with you.
Ryker: I wouldn't pull on Wilson, Shane. Will, you're a witness to this.
Shane: So you're Jack Wilson.
* long pause...
Jack Wilson: What's that mean to you, Shane?
Shane: I've heard about you.
Jack Wilson: What have you heard, Shane?
* long pause.. Wilson stands.. faces Shane... Shane turns to face Wilson....
Shane: I've heard that you're a low-down, Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletter readin,' Yankee liar.
Jack Wilson: Prove it.

Shane.. Alan Ladd / Wilson.. Jack Palance / Shane 1953

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled World

Picture Of The Month! Fall in Pennsylvania (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our May / June POTM was contributed by my good friend and former entertainment director for the Cali cartel.. Mike Barrick. He says of the photo..."The shot was taken Friday Nov 2nd , 2018 on Powells Valley Rd near Lykins, PA. Weather was cloudy with on-off drizzle throughout the day. Temperatures approaching 60 degrees. The shot was taken with my iPhone 6S.

I had taken a Mental Health Day from work, it was a well needed day to explore my inner child. In the moments before and after the picture, I was thinking to myself, Yippee Ki Yay MF'er, this is how I should be spending EVERY Friday. The leaves were past their prime, but what remained was still beautiful. Much of the day you could smell the rain, and the road was often wet. I carved the mountain roads, gaining more and more confidence on the wet pavement, I was utilizing fresh rubber from Dunlop, not Trojan, but apparently Dunlop has a pleasure series as well and these tires (Roadsmart 3's) were delivering the goods. "

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of any late model BMW .. B. In focus... C. No GSs for God's sake.

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First Look... 2020 S1000RR / What Would Jesus Ride?

BMW’s new blazing fast superbike has just been revealed and boy does the first 2020 motorcycle model from BMW deliver scorching numbers: 434lbs, 205hp and 37mpg. That’s more fuel efficient than a 2020 Toyota Corolla.. and probably faster.. ;-)

The good news is.. the 2020 power-flagship RR goes upscale yet retains reasonable pricing. The 3rd generation RR's base MSRP is set at $18,395, which includes a non-removable select trim. The M package, which is what Jesus would order, offers some juicy CF goodies and a set of carbon rims for a reasonable $22K. The M trim is the formerly HP branding. BMW has decided to bring the venerable M performance badge to their motorcycles as well.

The pricing is consistent with top tier Japanese superbikes and the M package is a good $5K cheaper than Duc's V4S which doesn't come with CF rims. Is this the first "production" bike with carbon rims? I think it is. I can't wait to see them. No matter..with or without the carbon bits, the bike is stunning. I think anyone with "sight" will like the new visually balanced look of the 2020 RR. I certainly do. I only wish it came with a single sided swingarm..

For more info.. Check out this review from CycleWorld On-Line... 2020 BMW S1000RR First Ride

Show me more, El Capitan!

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New Product: Kaoko Throttle Lock Cruise Control

If you read our last cheese filled newsletter you'll know that (for reasons unknown).. Throttlemiester has closed their doors. I'd hoped to have detailed info behind their untimely demise by now, but the owners seem to have dropped off the face of the earth. That being said.. we sold a lot of them through the years so their David Copperfield vanishing act has left a gaping hole in our product line.. Rather than whine about it I've just added a worthy replacement product to our on-line repertoire.. Kaoko Throttle Lock Cruise Controls.

In case you are unfamiliar with throttle locks, it is essentially a bar end, mechanical, cruise control for your motorcycle. Similar to the Throttlemiester with some subtle differences. Throttlemiesters come with both a left and right side handlebar end. The Kaoko comes with the throttle side only. A Throttlemiester uses shims to get the friction pressure dialed in. The Kaoko kit comes with a single shim that snaps on and applies direct pressure to the plastic throttle tube when in uses. Install is actually easier than the Throttlemiester. Just remove the right handlebar weight, replace it with Kaoko's bar weight, tighten the bar end bolt, and Bam.. Done.. Finis. We have them for many late model BMWs. The Kaoko comes in black only and yes.. they are heated grip compatible.

Tired of a numb throttle hand? Ready to stop and rest your hand after less than 30 minutes in the twisties? Stupid question, huh? Here's a solution, my friends. You'll be spoiled after your first ride. Here's YouTube video showing how they work...

Shoe Me More, El Capitan!

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New Product: Tech Spec Gripster for K1600GT/ GTL/ Bagger

There are 3 things I put on any bike in the first few weeks of ownership.... 1. Radar detector, 2. Throttle Lock, and 3. A TechSpec Gripster kit. I'm really hard on my gas tank paint and a TechSpec Gripster kit provides plenty of protection in those heavily abused areas.

Sliding forward when coming to a stop? Scuffing up the pristine paint on your gas tank with your knees and jacket? Your wife sliding off the bike during late night garage sex? If you want grip AND protection.. look no further that a TechSpec Gripster kit. By gripping the tank with your legs, a rider can improve the overall control of a motorcycle, control of their body weight, and obtain a more positive seat position. Improved control of the riders body weight will help improve overall handling. Increased control equals a smoother, less fatigued, and more enjoyable ride. The peel-n-stick material is a rubber product only.125" thick with a low profile diamond grip pattern to help increase the coefficient of friction. Each (5) piece kit includes R & L Grip Skins and a tank protector panel.

One other benifit that they don't mention in their advertising.. These will add to the re-sell value of your bike.. I assure you, perfect paint at time of sale translates to cash in your pocket.. I speak from experience.

Click Here to See More.. If You Dare!

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Gofundme Fund Drive for a Friend and Vietnam Vet

When my wife and I need help working on our property, we always turn to the local veterans center. There are always veterans looking for work. Many suffer from PTSD or have health issues or simply have trouble finding and holding regular jobs. Almost without exception they are great people.. Great Americans who have earned respect, gratitude and yes... special consideration. We've met so many good people through the VA over the years including Michael Ray Woody..

We met "Woody" about a year ago and his friendship and his tireless enthusiasm for helping us has been a blessing.  He's no longer just a hired worker. He's a part of our family now.  Woody came back from Vietnam with a great sense of humor and all kinds of skills and knowledge, but can't get a regular job due to some health issues accrued overseas that the VA thus far can't even diagnose. His hands shake almost perpetually. Agent Orange? They've suggested some sort of exploratory brain surgery, but admit that there's a big chance he might come out with some paralysis. Like most of us.. he chooses not to take that risk. Even with this health issue he still works with his hands as good as anyone I've ever seen and I've never heard him complain. Ever. 

Woody is living in VA housing and makes due with the small jobs he can find and what work we can afford to push his way, but when an emergency crops up.. and we know they always do at the worst possible time.. It's a spirit killer. Last week Ray's old pickup broke down and from what I hear.. the repair is beyond his skills and financial ability to handle. He's basically dependent on others to get around until he comes up with the $1500+ to repair his truck. 

I've started this gofundme page (my first) to see if I can provide a little financial breathing room for our friend. This will be the first time I've ever asked for money through this newsletter. Our goal is to help him get his aging truck back on the road and his life back on track.  If you can afford a few dollars to help out.. please do. I've never met a man more worthy. Let's show this veteran some well deserved gratitude and American generosity..

Funds For Woody..

What's New In the No-Spin Zone

1. Thinking about a 2020 S100RR.. Of course you are. Are we not men? This will help you make up your mind.. From CycleWorld On-Line... 2020 BMW S1000RR First Ride

2. While we've been selling ABM Brake Rotors for most late model BMW's for a few years now.. many K1300S owners may have noticed that they don't have front rotors listed for that bike.. Why? No fucking idea. They made them for a while then discontinued the front rotors.. For those still looking for front K1300S rotors.. I've found some.. You can buy them direct from Galfer On Line

3. Behold.. The Complete BMW Motorcycle Buying Guide: Every Model, Explained..

4. I mentioned in last months cheese-infested newsletter that Throttlemiester had closed their doors and since then I've gotten a few frantic calls from new bike owners looking for an alternative.. While we now sell the Kyroko brand kits, there's another option for some BMW's. Tom Dowell used to own a company called Excel Cycle Werkes, sold it, bought it back, and renamed it Excel Throttle Control . The Excel Throttle Control (like Throttlemiester) does not lock the throttle and can be easily over ridden at any time with a minimum of effort. However.... unlike Throttlemiester, the Excel Throttle Control device retains its previous setting. It can be engaged and disengaged repeatedly without having to readjust the amount of end pressure. I'm not sure how that works, but it sure sounds cool as f#*k. Prices range from $150 for the “least complex” application to $185 for the more elaborate mounting requirements. Thx Ryan Reynolds for the tip.

5. For those with older BMW twins, the following info from Whitelights of Germany came in 4/30.. "We have re-produced front signal lenses, which are discontinued by BMW. It will be BMW OEM 46631453001 and 46631453002 for K589 (K100RS/K1100RS/K1100LT/K100RS/K100RT/K100LT) from 1983-1996. Available in amber and clear. It's a best seller in europe, just check US-market. Retail price incl. VAT 36 Euro/pair (amber) and 39,90 Euro/pair incl. bulbs (clear).

6. Here's something I'll bet you've never seen before.. Motorcycle Chariot Racing .. No idea where it was taken..

7. Here's a gift for that special diva...er.. GS owner who never ever gets it off road. We all know someone like that. Perfect for birthdays, anniversaries, Christmas, or just the greatest gag-gift since the Auto-Suck... Spray On Mud by Lone Rider. Created for the city folk that dream of the wild outdoors, but just can’t get out of the concrete jungle. You can spray it on and wash it off in minutes and you don't even need to leave your garage. Genius.

8. For those who've been thinking about ordering an Ilmberger Hugger for your BMW K1300S, K1300R,or K1300GT.. we just got the following bad news from my Ilmberger source in Germany.. (pasted from 3/27/19 email) "Unfortunately, the aluminum forms that are needed for the production of the KHO.101.K130S.K carbon mudguard have been damaged. It takes about 3 months to produce a new aluminum form. For this reason, the delivery time must be postponed until July 2019."

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. We just added HeliBars Tour Performance Handlebar Relocation Adapters for the K1600GT and GTL to our website. The much anticipated replacement handlebar system for the BMW K1600GTL & BMW K1600GT offers the same oem rear offset, but more height and a little closer. This kit installs beneath your stock bars and raise them 1/2" (12mm)** and move them towards the rider 1 3/4" (44mm.) You bought the most magnificent motorcycle on earth.. Take the time to get the ergos right for the most comfort... Cost to your door .. $144. Bam.. Chimp-easy install. * Chimp not included.

2. We now have ZTechnik Headlight Guards for the all new BMW R1250GS & Adventure as well as all the other late model GSs.

Shoe Me More, El Capitan!

3. As per the blurb above, we now have the all new TechSpec Gripster Kit for the 2017+ K1600GT/K1600GT, & Bagger on our menu. This is similar to the 2011-2016 K1600 kit we've sold for years, but the new design accommodates the new gas tank design. Sliding forward when coming to a stop? Scuffing up your beautiful gas tank with your knees and jacket? Your wife sliding off the bike during late night garage sex? If you want grip AND protection.. Here's one solution and worth every penny.

4. Grip Buddies Smartskin "Lite" Comfort Grips are a wonderful grip option for ladies or men (like me) with smaller hands wanting more comfort, less vibration, durability, and a no-drama chimp-easy install. The texture and tactile feel is the same as the original Grip Buddies, just less bulky. Smartskin Lite Comfort Grips are made from the same rubber-rich neoprene as the originals, they’re just thinner: 3.2mm for Lite vs. 4.7mm for the original. With Grip Buddies there is no need to remove your OEM grips.. Just wrap these babies around them (they attach via Velcro on the underside) and you're ready to ride in just a few minutes. Heated-grip compatible.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare!

5. New Product! In case you missed the blurb in the top section.. we now carry the entire line of the South African-made Kaoko Throttle Locks. In case you are not familiar with the product, it is essentially a bar end, mechanical, cruise control for your motorcycle. Similar, but different than the venerable Throttlemiester (which went out of business recently.) Tired of a numb throttle hand? Stupid question. Chimp-easy 5 minute install. Just remove the right hand bar weight, replace it with Kaoko's bar weight, and firmly tighten the bar end bolt. Bam.. Done. Available in black only. Heated grip compatible.

6. We've been selling helmet locks for various BMW's for over a decade.. K1200RS, K1200GT, K1300GT, K1600s, K1300S, K1200S, R1200R,R1200GS, etc etc... No longer. The components that we buy from BMW just got too expensive to make a profit and I refuse to raise the pricing any higher. You gotta draw the line somewhere.. As of today.. they are all gone. That being said.. if anyone wants to assemble their own kits.. email me and I can furnish the name of the guy that produced the mounting brackets for us.. and part numbers for the BMW locking mechanisms you'd need to complete a kit. A humanitarian gesture, if you will.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

7. We just got confirmation that our BMW R1200GS LC Stealth Backrest will fit the R1250GS LC. Woohoo! Our kit includes a padded backrest and an aluminum mounting plate that bolts directly to the top of your oem rack. Install is under 5 minutes with standard tools. The backrest slides on and off the bike in under 15 seconds. No modifications necessary. Our backrest will NOT fit the Adventure.

8. We now have ZTechnik VStream Windshields for the all new BMW R1250GS & Adventure as well as all the 2013-2018 R1200GS & Adventure.

9. We now have the Pyramid Carbon Fiber Fenda Extenda for the 2011+ BMW K1600GTL / K1600GT & 2017+ Bagger. No drilling required. Chimp easy install.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

I-BMW / Theriderspace.com Rally Event News : 2019
NOTE: I-bmw.com or theriderspace.com are not "official" sponsors of any of the following posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

Blue Ridge Parkway I-BMW Rally: May 16th - May 19th, 2019

Where: Wattstull Inn, just north of Buchanan, Virginia
When: May 16th - May 19th, 2019 - Arrive Thursday May 16th, leave Sunday May 19th

Call Ann @ 540-254-1551 for reservations. / Mention: i-bmw group
SPECIFY ROOM TYPE - single, double, king.. /

NOTE: The rooms are being held for the group until APRIL 1ST - After that they are open to anyone.

Blue Ridge Parkway info and maps can be found here and here

Alternate Lodging (info only) : Super 8 – Bedford or Days Inn – Bedford or Peaks of Otter Lodge

Non-Invitational 2019 DGR Rally: Sept 5th-8th, 2019

Where: Creekside Lodge
Nearest town: Maggie Valley, NC
When: Starts Thursday, September 5th and check out is Sunday, September 8th.
Reservations: 800-621-1260

his year the event will be held in Maggie Valley, NC at the Maggie Valley Creekside Lodge. Rooms are $109 plus tax per night for the Standard room with two queens or $119 plus tax per night for the Creekside Room with two queens. This is for 2 adults. You can also rent a jacuzzi room with one King bed for $149 a night. (yes, prices went up $10 this year)

Making discounted reservations are good until August 13th and then special pricing is no longer available. Cancellation is good with a weeks notice, anything less than a week, they charge you for a night. The hotel has some other restrictions that will be passed along at the time you make your reservations (no pets, charges for stealing TV remotes, no smoking in rooms, etc.) There are a few secluded areas to smoke, if you know what I mean. Full details are here...


How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have no new contributions this month. Our last was from Paul Andry of Highlands, North Carolina . Check out #166. Could his tip save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

We have no new contributions this issue. Our last contribution was from "Voxmagna" (a regular poster over at I-BMW.com ) who resides in London, England. I'll wager that his tip might just be a godsend to many K1200RS owners... K1200RS Blinker Pods: 'Fixed' Forever! Thanks, Vox. Well done..

Click For Larger Image.. If You Want a Chub..

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues