Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... Gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around every other month, when I deem you are worthy, we post our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

Warning: While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment.

FYI.. If you'd like to be notified when each new newsletter is posted, just email me with your request and I'll make that happen. Our email database is 100% secure. Stored in a lock box formerly owned by Al Gore. Never shared or sold to third parties. Never perused by the NSA.

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: July / August 2019 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... .. A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start this issue...

The conquering king Xerxes has sent his messengers to inform King Leonidas that he is standing in his way of conquering the country. He demands submission from the Spartan people offering "Earth and water" in return... a gesture that infuriates the queen.  Clearly this Persian has never dealt with Spartans before and underestimates their resolve.

Messenger: Choose your next words carefully, Leonidas. They may be your last as king.
King Leonidas: [to himself: thinking] "Earth and water"?
Leonidas unsheathes and points his sword at the Messenger's throat
Messenger: Madman! You're a madman!
King Leonidas: Earth and water? You'll find plenty of both down there. (gesturing to the bottomless pit behind the messenger.)
Messenger: No man, Persian or Greek, no man threatens a messenger!
King Leonidas: You bring the crowns and heads of conquered kings to my city steps. You insult my queen. You threaten my people with slavery and death! You vilify our July issue Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletter without even reading it! Oh, I've chosen my words carefully, Persian. Perhaps you should have done the same!
Messenger: This is blasphemy! This is madness!
King Leonidas: Madness...?
King Leonidas: [shouting] This is Sparta!

King Leonidas / Gerard Butler...300 .. 2007

This is Sparta!

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled World

Picture Of The Month! KS Under the Swiss Sky.. (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our July / August POTM was contributed by Robert Karpf of Winterthur, Switzerland. He says of the photo..."My name is Robert Karpf, I'm 43 years of age, born and raised in Winterthur Switzerland, a former industrial town 20km north of Zurich, once famous for it´s unbreakable spinning machines, locomotives, and diesel ship engines.

This years motorcycle season started off quite late because of the unusual rainy weather in May. This one Friday when the sky cleared up, I quickly decided to go on a short spin near Winterberg, Switzerland where I luckily took this lovely shot with my iphone 6s camera just before sunset. It was a partly cloudy day around 10C. The shot was taken on a privately owned road. There was a ”No entry” sign right next to me. I would have been hit with a CHF200 fine if the cops were there :-) After several months waiting for this moment… It felt so good!"

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of any late model BMW .. B. In focus... C. No GSs for God's sake.

---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

I-BMW.com... The Final Season ?

Making your way in the world today takes everything you got
Taking a break from all your worries.. it sure would help a lot
Wouldn't you like to get away?

Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name
And they're always glad you came
You want to be where you can see
.. the troubles are all the same
You want to be where everybody knows your name...

So what do you do when your favorite hangout unexpectedly closes overnight? That's the dilemma thousands of us are facing since I-BMW.com went dark last month. Through the years the occasional downage happened, but it was usually back up within 24-48 hours thanks to the diligent work of.. well.. somebody. This is different. This is bad. Could this be the end? Details of what happened and the future of I-BMW are sketchy at best.

Here's what we do know ... With the Avengers bloodied and beaten, Thanos snapped his fingers and .. er.. No wait.. Wrong explanation. Sorry. We were told that I-BMW.com had some hard drives go bad on their dedicated server that is/was hosted by GoDaddy. They also had some issues with the backup. Like all of us,Vic Salemme (owner of I-BMW) is a busy guy and has a life. Between his daughter, new wife, and job he has had little spare time to solve this time consuming problem. Bottom line is that it is an administrative and/or hardware issue and we're told it'll be fixed at some point. Honestly... I have my doubts. This has a ring of "finality."

On a personal note.. as a member of I-BMW from the very beginning, I know I'm not the only one who misses the camaraderie, the voluminous motorcycle information, the humor, and the ball-bustin banter that the site always offered. I'm getting daily emails and/or calls from lost souls asking.. "what has happened to I-BMW?" All hoping I'll have a comforting answer. Unfortunaely.. I do not.

With the risk of sounding sentimental, I-BMW is more to me than just a chat site.. For two decades, it's been my favorite "cyber-bar." It would be a shame to see it go down so unceremoniously without a real farewell. I truly hope VicS can get the issues worked out and the site back on line. I remain skeptical, but hopeful. If it does pop back up.. save a bar stool for me. Until then... Cheers..

---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

BMW Motorcycle Magazine: Gone But Not Forgotten

File this under "sign of the times." Most of us are already aware of the fact that the print industry is dying right before our eyes. Pirates Lair used to advertise in 1/2 a dozen magazines.. These days.. None. Zero. Minimal impact on sales. One adapts or one fails. Just yesterday I got word that another one of my favorite magazines has closed their doors. BMW Motorcycle Magazine. Actually... I'm a little late to the party. Their last issue went out last fall. I hardly noticed which reaffirms my point.

In my youth, I used to wait with baited breath for the latest bike magazines to hit my mailbox. I subscribed to them all. Every day after work I'd check to see if the new Motorcyclist or Cycle World or Cycle or Cycle Guide had finally arrived. Once in hand I'd read through them voraciously. It was an exciting time to be a motorcyclist. Those days are now gone. Replaced with instant on-line information. I guess you can call that progress, but in a way.. I miss those times. Anyway.. I just wanted to acknowledge the demise of this wonderful magazine and wish the former staff well. Here's a letter from my good friend and former publisher, Sandy Cohen.

Hey Jerry! Nice to hear from you… and especially about the 20th anniversary of Pirates Lair! Congratulations.

Yes, our BMW Motorcycle Magazine has discontinued publication as of the Fall 2018 issue. Despite our pride in the magazine’s success over the past nine years, we have come to the conclusion that it’s time to retire rather than continue to fight the headwind most print publications are feeling today..

We thank all of our subscribers, advertisers and dealerships for their support and friendship. It’s truly been our pleasure to stay in touch with so many whose passion for BMW motorcycles matched our own.

Best Regards, Sandy Cohen Editor, BMW Motorcycle Magazine / bmwmcmag.com

---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

What You Can't See Can Hurt You: On the Periphery
Article by Brian Rathjen / Backroads Magazine Online

As we age.. our eyes (among other things) slowly deteriorate. "Yea yea" ... you are thinking. "Tell me something I don't know, o sage of motorcycle swag." Old eyes have a hard time reading signs at a distance. Many of us don't ride at night any more. And who of us hasn't mistakenly picked up a hooker only to discover too late that she was a man? We've all been there. OK. Here's something I'll bet you didn't know.. We also lose our "peripheral" vision over time. That's something I never really thought about until this last week when I read the following article by my good friend, Brian Rathjen. Editor of Backroads Magazine. Thought I'd share. Enjoy..

I had a friend, a chief MSF instructor that, decades ago, instilled in me the need to physically do a head check and never solely rely on the bike's mirrors. I have made it a habit of checking twice before moving around on a crowded road or teeming interstate.

This was easy enough during my 40s and 50s, but in the last few years, I have missed a few things here and there. Nothing dire (yet), but cars have occasionally appeared, seemingly out of nowhere and more than one deer came into my view far later than it should have. (Read the full article here.. Turn to Page 3)

Read the full Backroads Magazine article here..

---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

Gofundme Fund Drive for a Friend and Vietnam Vet: Epilogue Part 1

Two months ago in our May / June Issue Pirates Lair Newsletter, Amber and I started a gofundme page (our first) to see if we could provide a little financial breathing room for our friend Michael Ray Woody.. A two-tour Vietnam vet with some serious health problems he incurred while in the service. As I'm about to end the gofundme I thought I'd drop in with an update.

As of today... 2 months out, having sent a notice or heads up to over 5000 friends, family, and customers via Facebook, this newsletter, and a few thousand direct emails... we collected only $380 from 12 people.

While we've never done something like this before and weren't sure how much financial help to expect for our friend, in all honesty.. we're shocked at how little we collected. That being said.. I've learned through the years that sometimes you just have to accept things and/or not question them and leave it at that. For now, I would like to publicly thank those generous 12 people (you know who you are) for the aid. Your "gift" is much appreciated.

We're going to close down the gofundme around July 5th. If you can afford a few dollars to help Woody out.. even $5.. please do so now. Let's show this veteran some well deserved gratitude and American generosity.. I'll post a final update in our September newsletter. Thanks again to all you contributors.

Funds For Woody..

What's New In the No-Spin Zone

1. Yes.. I-BMW is down.... (see blurb above).. For those seeking a meeker, milder, less volitile venue to talk BMWs and other bikes ... try The RiderSpace.com A lot of former I-BMW members and inmates are hanging out there.. Tell them I sent you.

2. We just got word...The Remus Carbon Fiber Hexacone Slip-on exhaust for the K1200S, K1200R, R Sport, K1300GT, & 2006-08 GT has been discontinued. There are no more available! Only Titanium. For how long? I can not say.

3. The future doesn't look so bright for motorcycles in Amsterdam.. Just saw this over at AdventureRider.com.. Amsterdam Bans Gas/Diesel Powered Vehicles By 2030 Apparently, rather than just reducing gasoline engine pollution like every other modern city on earth , they're gonna cut it out entirely.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

4. Here's another well done motorcycle product review by our good friend, Moshe Levy... MotoPowerPuck Wireless Charger Review

5. We just got this from ZTechnik .. "We are excited to announce the recent release of the VStream Windscreens for the F850GS & F750GS model! This release completes the offering of VStream experience for the Entire 2019 GS model family. The F750GS first production sold out in days, but we are continuing to process and ship orders." Email me for pricing and details if interested..

6..Looking for an attention-getting helmet? Want to distinguish yourself from the pack? Have a tiny penis? Check out Nitrinos Helmets located in mother Russia. They have some spectacular lids. No idea if they meet US standards, but damn they are cool..

7. In our last cheese-filled issue of this most holy of newsletters, I reported that the German-made Ilmberger Carbon Fiber K1300 / K1300R Hugger mold had broken and none would be available for a while. They predicted 3 months down time.. Good news.. I heard from them just today letting us know that these huggers are again available and shipping.

8. Apparently hell has frozen over as I never ever thought I'd report this... Harley-Davidson has officially confirmed its plans to build a motorcycle in China. According to Harley-Davidson’s announcement, the new motorcycle is intended to be sold in China first, and then in other markets in Asia. There is no mention of sales in Europe, Australia or North America.

9. Pop quiz.. When you hear the phrase.. "Sex on wheels".. what bike comes to mind? I think most would say MV Agusta. Let's get literal here. Warning.. This youtube video put out by MV is "R" rated.. I'm not kidding.. The Superveloce 800 Serie Oro.. FYI .. there was/is some major backlash against MV by the PC crowd to remove the video due to the erotic nature of the content, but MV has smartly announced that they will not delete nor will they apologize for it. One of the best comments I read about this video online mentioned that they were glad Italians haven't been castrated yet like the rest of the world. MV needs all the press they can get and this tasteful, but controversial video seems to have served its purpose. Check out the tail on this bike...

10. Here's some juicy information if you like "retro" look BMW's... BMW Motorrad Concept R18. The BMW Motorrad Concept R18 is the third in-house interpretation of the large-capacity boxer engine to come from BMW. Is there a market for the bike?? I have no freakin idea, but I sure would like to ride one...

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. New Product Alert: We just added the Saddlemen Deluxe Roll Bag to our website. We'd been selling T-Bags for the last decade, but that company recently sold out to another company which decided to discontinue the 2 bags we were buying. Rather than cry like a little girl... I did my usual diligent research and decided the Saddlemen product was a worthy successor. It's a little larger than the T-Bag roll bag, offers more features, a better rain cover, and is cheaper. The Saddlemen bag fits every version of our world famous Stealth Backrests... K1200RS, R1200GS, R1200GS LC, R1250GS LC, K1200GT, R1150R, ST1300, FJR1300, Concours 1400, Versys 1000, R1200RS, R1250RS, as well as any bike with a sissy bar or "lessor" backrest. Bam. Drop the mike.

2. We now have ZTechnik Headlight Guards for the all new BMW R1250GS & Adventure as well as all the other late model GSs.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

3. As per the blurb above, I recently reported that the Ilmberger Carbon Fiber K1300 / K1300R Hugger mold had broken and none would be shipping for a while. They predicted 3 months down time.. Good news.. I heard from them just today letting us know that these huggers are again available and shipping.

4. Grip Buddies Smartskin "Lite" Comfort Grips are a wonderful grip option for ladies or men (like me) with smaller hands wanting more comfort, less vibration, durability, and a no-drama chimp-easy install. The texture and tactile feel is the same as the original Grip Buddies, just less bulky. Smartskin Lite Comfort Grips are made from the same rubber-rich neoprene as the originals, they’re just thinner: 3.2mm for Lite vs. 4.7mm for the original. With Grip Buddies there is no need to remove your OEM grips.. Just wrap these babies around them (they attach via Velcro on the underside) and you're ready to ride in just a few minutes. Heated-grip compatible.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare!

5. New Product! We now carry the entire line of the South African-made Kaoko Throttle Locks. In case you are not familiar with the product, it is essentially a bar end, mechanical, cruise control for your motorcycle. Similar, but different than the venerable Throttlemiester (which went out of business recently.) Tired of a numb throttle hand? Stupid question. Chimp-easy 5 minute install. Just remove the right hand bar weight, replace it with Kaoko's bar weight, and firmly tighten the bar end bolt. Bam.. Done. Available in black only. Heated grip compatible.

6. We just got word...The Remus Carbon Fiber Hexacone Slip-on exhaust for the K1200S, K1200R, R Sport, K1300GT, & 2006-08 GT has been discontinued. There are no more available! Only Titanium and you can only get those from Pirates Lair.. Remus USA can't import them any longer.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

7. R1200RS / R1250RS Stealth Backrest Update 7/1/19: Geezz.. Where to begin? The German word "Clausterfocken" comes to mind. We should have had these on the market 8 months ago, but I made the mistake of hiring an unknown CNC shop in Memphis (I'd seen their work and it was impressive) and they did nothing but dick me around for almost a year. Excuse after excuse.. ZERO communication. Promise after promise made with no results. I have a waiting list a mile long and the villagers are lighting torches and rounding up the dogs. Last week I fired them and hired a local shop to do the job. Just today the new team told me "we'll have something in a week or so." . Yea yea.. I should have fired the new guys sooner, but I have a big heart for start-up companies. (I used to be one) and wanted to give them a shot. Regret # 3,268. Sorry for the delay, guys and gals.

8. Speaking of backrests.. We now have confirmation that our BMW R1200GS LC Stealth Backrest will fit the R1250GS LC. Woohoo! Our kit includes a padded backrest and an aluminum mounting plate that bolts directly to the top of your oem rack. Install is under 5 minutes with standard tools. The backrest slides on and off the bike in under 15 seconds. No modifications necessary. Our backrest will NOT fit the Adventure.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare!

I-BMW / Theriderspace.com Rally Event News : 2019
NOTE: I-bmw.com or theriderspace.com are not "official" sponsors of any of the following posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

Non-Invitational 2019 DGR Rally: Sept 5th-8th, 2019

Where: Creekside Lodge
Nearest town: Maggie Valley, NC
When: Starts Thursday, September 5th and check out is Sunday, September 8th.
Reservations: 800-621-1260

his year the event will again be held in Maggie Valley, NC at the Maggie Valley Creekside Lodge. Rooms are $109 plus tax per night for the Standard room with two queens or $119 plus tax per night for the Creekside Room with two queens. This is for 2 adults. You can also rent a jacuzzi room with one King bed for $149 a night. (yes, prices went up $10 this year)

Making discounted reservations are good until August 13th and then special pricing is no longer available. Cancellation is good with a weeks notice, anything less than a week, they charge you for a night. The hotel has some other restrictions that will be passed along at the time you make your reservations (no pets, charges for stealing TV remotes, no smoking in rooms, etc.) There are a few secluded areas to smoke, if you know what I mean. Full details are here...


How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have no new contributions this month. Our last was from Paul Andry of Highlands, North Carolina . Check out #166. Could his tip save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

We have no new contributions this issue. Our last contribution was from "Voxmagna" (a regular poster over at I-BMW.com ) who resides in London, England. I'll wager that his tip might just be a godsend to many K1200RS owners... K1200RS Blinker Pods: 'Fixed' Forever! Thanks, Vox. Well done..

Click For Larger Image.. If You Want a Chub..

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues