Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... Gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around every other month, when I deem you are worthy, we post our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

Warning: While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment.

FYI.. If you'd like to be notified when each new newsletter is posted, just email me with your request and I'll make that happen. Our email database is 100% secure. Stored in a lock box formerly owned by Al Gore. Never shared or sold to third parties. Never perused by the NSA.

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: Sept / October 2020 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... .. A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start this issue...

In Annie's room late at night.. she has a shrine to baseball all alit with candles..Ebby and Crash sit on opposite ends of her couch.- Both men look around the room with wonder.  Ebby is clearly more nervous than Crash, who's been in some strange rooms in his minor league career.

Annie: These are the ground rules...I hook up with one guy a season--I mean it takes me a couple of weeks to pick the guy--kinda my own spring training...And, well, you two are the most promising prospects of the season so far. So...  I thought we should get to know each other.
Crash: Why do you get to choose?  Why don't I get to choose?
Annie: Actually none of us on this planet ever really choose each other.  It's all Quantum Physics and molecular attraction.  There are laws we don't understand that bring us together and break us apart.
Ebby: Is somebody gonna go to bed with somebody or what?
Annie:You're a regular nuclear meltdown, honey--slow down.
Crash rises to leave, and heads for the door.
Crash: After 12 years in the minor leagues, I don't tryout.  Besides--I don't believe in, Quantum Physics when it comes to matters of the heart...or loins.
Annie: (challenging him) What do you believe in?
Crash at the door.  Annie's question is slightly taunting.  He stops, and speaks with both aloofness and passion:
Crash: I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, long foreplay, show tunes, and that the novels of Thomas Pynchon are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe that the Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter should be read by all riders.. not just BMW guys. I believe that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone, I believe that there  oughta be a constitutional amendment outlawing astro-turf and the designated hitter, I believe in the "sweet spot", voting every election, soft core pornography, chocolate chip cookies, opening your presents on Christmas morning rather than Christmas eve, and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last for 7 days.
Annie: (breathless) Oh my..

Crash Davis / Kevin Costner  Annie Savoy /  Susan Sarandon    Ebby / Tim Robbins   Bull Durham... 1988

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled World

Picture Of The Month! Mount Robson, Canadian Rockies.. (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our September / October POTM was contributed by Michael Robinson who lives in Prince George, Canada. He says of the photo.. "On July 2 2016, I took my newly acquired bike on an 800 mile inaugural run. I started from home at 10 am and made it a round trip Prince George BC to Dawson Creek, to Grand Pairie Alberta, then down to Hinton and Jasper Alberta.

At 9 o’clock in the evening I stopped MT Robson Park to get a rare picture of Mt Robson Peak. Mt Robson is the highest peak in the Canadian Rockies at just under 13,000 feet. The picture was taken with an android phone "

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots or send me a link if you've already uploaded them somewhere. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of any late model BMW .. B. In focus... C. No GSs for God's sake.

---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

New Product: Pirates Lair BMW R1250RS / R1250R / R1200RS / R1200R Stealth Backrest

I've designed and manufactured a lot of backrests through the years. I thought I had the process down to a science until this project came along.. What should have taken 4 months from start to finish took 2 years. Everything that could go wrong did. It was as if the project was cursed. As if God said.. "You think I'm gonna make this one easy?.. Hold my beer." I actually gave up on the project (twice), but I don't like to be beaten and eventually persevered. As of July 1st.. we have them here... R1250RS / R1200RS Stealth Backrests and they are selling well. Customer Comments are just now trickling in and it's all good.

Like all the Pirates Lair backrests, install of the R12RS stealth rack is chimp easy with basic tools and intellect taking all of 10 minutes. No modifications necessary. While we designed these to fit the 2015+ BMW R1200RS and 2018+ R1250RS, we found out only recently that these will also fit the 2015+ BMW R1200R and R1250R when they're equipped with the optional BMW rear rack. Cool beans. Each rack is powder coated with a rich, durable, textured black finish. We also offer an optional BMW peel-n-stick emblem to make the rack look factory. Our latest backrests are in stock and shipping...

While I'm gushing with elation and relief to have put this project behind me, I'd like to give a special shout out to Mark Cushman who offered up the original design out of the goodness of his heart. I freely admit, the project never would have happened without him. Thanks, my friend.

---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

The Age of Noise is Ending... The Future Comes Silent
Spotted over at Advrider.com

The sound of revving Harleys at the traffic light and screaming street bikes on a highway will soon be just a memory. That is where the automotive industry is heading and there’s no escape from it.

It seems incredible to believe that combustion-based engines are coming to an end; the new trend has already started and it is just a matter of time before we see a bunch of Tron-looking bikes zipping around town. Technology and evolution will bring us to a new era of transportation and interaction with the machines.

It’s quite easy to see this trend, if we think about what high speed Internet and mobile technology brought in the past 20 years just to the travel and automotive industry. The world, which used to be too big and complex to navigate, is now available in the palm of our hands. Billions of users exchange trillions of bits of data every minute through our network.

If 15 years ago somebody mentioned to me that we would all have high speed Internet on our mobile devices, I would have probably answered, “What for?” We were perfectly fine with texting and T9 keyboards, right? Read the full article here..

"Love the sound of your bike... Termis?"

---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

Is A Tire Plug An Acceptable Way To Fix A Flat? To plug or not to plug?
Spotted over at MotorcyclistOnline.com

We've all been there.. Flats always happen at the worst time. It's never when you are close to home or a friends house or near a dealership. No.. typically, you're out in the middle of nowhere on a Sunday morning. You're riding through the mountains (out of cell phone range) without a care in the world and it's beginning to rain. Just as you notice your stomach in rumbling fiercely from that bad taco you bought at that hole in the wall an hour ago,... your bike's rear end suddenly is feeling squirrelly so you pull over and your worst fear is realized..

While I've ridden over 500,000 miles in my life, .. I can count the flat's I've had on one hand. Guess that makes me pretty lucky.. I documented my last flat in my article Good Day Gone Bad: Karma Gone Amuck .. A Ride Tale From Hell. So what do you do when you have a flat? Many, like myself, carry a tire repair kit and electric pump. Other's call their wife to bring their trailer out or call their "Roadside Service" rep... if they have cell phone coverage.. Some pray to Allah or Crom.

Here's a pretty good article on the subject spotted over at MotorcycylistOnline.. which includes a video and lots of information that I was aware of... Did you know that Continental, Michelin, Pirelli, and Shinko’s position on dealing with punctures is clear as day.. Don’t even bother carrying a plug kit. “Call a tow truck. ” Yes.. there is risk involved when plugging a tire, but not everyone has roadside service or access to a trailer or a benevolent being to pray to to get them home. Worth a look.

---------------------------------------- ---------------------------------------

Paradise Ridge Campground: Grand Opening Right Off the Blue Ridge Parkway

Amber and I bought 6 acres of mountain property just east of Asheville, NC a dozen or so years ago. We chose this location, just 8 minutes from the Blue Ridge Parkway, as it's my favorite place to ride. We've slowly been making improvements to the property in preparation for inviting friends and family over and eventually building our retirement home on it. Landscaping, clearing brush and thinning trees, a barn for Amber's horses, a fire pit, picnic tables, a shower, etc.

A couple of years ago Amber had an idea to recoup some of our monthly expenses by allowing campers to pitch their tents on our beautiful plot of paradise. Asheville is a huge tourist destination. Wish I had thought of it!.. Anyway, just this month we started taking reservations via the HipCamp.com website. We've had perhaps a dozen couples as of this writing and we've gotten nothing but rave reviews. Now that we've worked through the learning curve of discerning what campers need and/or want, we're ready to spread the word and offer invites to our quasi-esteemed newsletter readers.

You can get most of the booking information and directions off the (admittedly lacking) Hipcamp website, but I'll also add... while there are the obligatory camping rules, we offer about 6 wooded camping spots plus a wide open grassy pasture for parking RVs, vans, campers, trailers, or buses. We are (of course) motorcycle friendly and depending on the weather, allow riders to park their bikes by their camp spot. As of this writing Amber charges $20 per tent per night. We offer on-site security from duck till dawn, free fire-wood for the fire pit, bottled water, shower access. Pets are welcome.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare
Click Here To See More... If You Dare!
Click Here To See More... If You Dare

What's New In the No-Spin Zone

1. It's getting to be that time of year, my friends. Do you keep your bike another year? Or is a new toy in your future. .. BMW Motorrad Model Revisions for the Model Year 2021.

2. New Garmin Zumo XT GPS Unveiled.. A nav device aimed at adventure riders, finally.

3. Coming in our year-end Nov/December cheese infested newsletter: Echoes in Eternity: I-BMW.com isn't quite dead after all.. AND.. an announcement of a 2021 year-end party for former I-BMW members..

4. Big changes ahead as Harley-Davidson reboots production after coronavirus shutdown, Harley-Davidson is mixing things up. Harley-Davidson has re-started its US production lines, but it’s not business as usual.

5. Here's the coolest video I've seen in a while... 10 Things MotoGP Racers do to go FASTER

6. If anyone has been wondering what to get me for Christmas... Aston Martin Brough Superior AMB-001 Shown Testin Socks would be nice, too.

7. When you absolutely have to carry a fire extinguisher (and you have a fat wallet..)... Check out the Element Fire Extinguishers - Jay Leno's Garage. These suckers aren't much larger than a road flare. NO mess.. they never expire, biodegradable.

8. Briggs and Stratton may not have produced motorcycles in during their 112-year history, but their diminutive engines powered untold numbers of homemade mini-bikes during that period. My first two-wheel riding experience was on the back of one of the aforementioned mini-bikes. woohoo! Founded by Stephen Foster Briggs and Harold M. Stratton in 1908 in Milwaukee, the company recently filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. Read about their demise here... Briggs & Stratton Files for Chapter 11

9. Looking for a unique pair of bike stands? Here's something I'd not seen or even heard of from Dynamoto..

10. Due to a corporate policy change at Pit Bull, as of 7/10/20 they are limiting their dealer distribution programs. That being said, Pirates Lair no longer carries PitBull Motorcycle stands... We wish them well...

11. Here's something worth making time to watch.. I am the rider I am today thanks to the Keith Code riding school. It's not only about horsepower.. . Twist of the Wrist II HQ - Keith Code - The Cornering Bible for Motorcycle Riders

12. RKA Luggage has been around for 35 years producing first rate motorcycle luggage and tank bags. Fine bunch of people. Just heard that they are now offering virus protection face masks for those wanting to stay healthy (and those around them) from the Covid virus.. The RKA masks are washable, come in multiple colors, and even a choice of securing methods.. Support this US vendor and be safer (some say) with the RKA Face Mask.. Details are on their web site..

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. New Product Alert! We just added the Akrapovic R1250RS / R1250R Titanium Slip-On Exhaust System to our menu. The Akrapovic Ti Slip-On exhaust system was (according to their literature) developed for riders who want to make a slight alteration to the bike’s looks and performance with minimum modification. This canister does NOT eliminate the catalytic converter (which is located in the oem header system) so you are legal in all 50 states and Europe. The kit includes a carbon fiber heat shield and all mounting hardware. System retains centerstand capability. And yes.. this exhaust system is compatible with BMW side cases. Chimp easy install. Chimp not included. Fits 2019+ BMW R1250RS & R1250R. Here's a YouTube sound video of this kit

2. New Product Alert! Want to get rid of the catalytic converter on your 2019+ BMW R1250R & R1250RS? Are we not men? Be all you can be with an Akrapovic header kit for your 2019-2020 BMW R1250RS and R1250R. Choose from the finest titanium or stainless steel to upgrade your Akrapovič Slip-On to a full exhaust system. Stand out from the pack with more power, beautiful design, and the unique Akrapovič sound. Featuring exhaust valve for improved rideability in lower rpm. Stats for the Titanium headers- Power +3.5 HP at 7350 rpm / Torque +6.7 Nm at 2650 rpm / Weight -5.3 lb. Unleash the beast.

3. Drum roll please..... As per the blurb in our top section.. our latest Stealth Backrest for the BMW R1200RS / R1250RS is finally in stock. Production pieces are in a textured black powder-coated finish unlike the prototype pics circulating on CNN. Cost is a bit less than our other offerings. Like all our other backrests, install is under 10 minutes with standard tools and intellect. The backrest slides on and off the bike in under 10 seconds. No modifications necessary. A one beer job. Get em while they're hot. Customer comments are just now trickling in..

4. Sign O' the Times: Good news / Bad news from Remus.. 8/25: We were just informed that they have discontinued all the Non-Cat Hexacone slip-on kits for the K1300S and K1300R. The only slip-on kits still in production contain cats. Ain't dat a pisser?! The only way to go cat-less is their painfully expensive full system that clocks in at a rectum busting $2200.US. The good news is.. they have resurrected the Carbon Fiber K1200S cat-less slip-on kit at least temporarily.. A year ago they said no more would be produced. Due to demand (I suspect) they have produced at least one last production run of the Carbon Fiber. We carry both the K1200S & K1200R as well as the K1300S / K1300R Slip-Ons here..

Click Here To See More... If You Dare
Click Here To See More... If You Dare

5. SPECIAL OFFER: We bought a factory R1200RS / R1250RS rear rack from BMW for design purposes for the RS backrest project. Now that the project is complete we're selling it. If you have a 2015+ BMW R1200R and R1250R and would like to purchase it for the purpose of installing our RS backrest, we're offering it at a substantial discount. You can find it here.

6. New Product Alert! I recently had a customer ask me why I didn't offer any LED CanBus specific headlight bulbs. Simple.. I hadn't found any that were worthy of our site.. I'd seen the Cyclops kits, but wasn't impressed.. Looked around and bam. Placed a large order and now we have CanBus-specific, 55w Watonlight LED bulbs on all our menus EXCEPT the K1600s. ... I have one installed on my K1200S..

7.We just got notified by WhiteLights of Germany that some of their specialty K-Bike lenses have been discontinued.. Specifically.. the Front Clear Lenses for the BMW K1300GT / K1200GT and the Smoke Front Lenses for the K1300S / K1200S. As time relentlessly marches on, I'll assume their other lenses for these aging bikes will also disappear soon. I'm working on securing another source.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare!

8. More bad news for K1300S owners.. Just got off the phone with my Two Brothers Racing rep.. They have discontinued all their K1300S exhausts..

9. New Product Alert! As of 8/24/20, Pirates Lair is now carrying the Remus K1300S / K1300R Hexacone Full Exhaust System from Austria. Be all you can. The benefits of the kit are: Ultra Lightweight... Deeptone Sound... High Quality materials .. Extra ponies... Longer lasting erections.. Lighter wallet. Unchain the beast. Fits the BMW K1300S, K1300R only.

10. New Product Alert! Pissed off that the Germans didn't include a freakin' centerstand on your R1250RS or R1200RS? You should be. We all need one. What's worse is the factory center stand option is a wallet-busting $400! Yikes! Here's a sane alternative at 1/2 the price. The SW-Motech Center Stand. Perform basic maintenance while on the go; no need for a shop stand to remove the wheel for tire changes, flat repairs, or even cleaning your wheels. Integration with the stock components allows full functionality with the OEM exhaust and sidestand with no modifications. Cornering clearances are not sacrificed and lean angles remain unaffected. Each kit comes with complete mounting hardware and detailed instructions. No mods necessary. Fits the BMW R1200R '15-'19, R1200RS '15-'19 & R1250RS

I-BMW / Theriderspace.com Rally Event News : 2020
NOTE: Pirates Lair is not an "official" sponsor of any of the following posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

Non-Invitational 2019 DGR Rally: Sept 10th-12th, 2020 (Yes.. It's On!)

Where: Creekside Lodge
Nearest town: Maggie Valley, NC
When: Starts Thursday September 10 checking out Sunday September 13
Reservations: 800-621-1260

No stinkin' Chinese virus is gonna stop this event. Remember in 2015 the gang showed up in the middle of a fucking hurricane. Dedicated? or just insane? No matter.. it's on again this year in Maggie Valley, NC at the Maggie Valley Creekside Lodge. Rooms are $109 plus tax per night for the Standard room with two queens or $119 plus tax per night for the Creekside Room with two queens. This is for 2 adults. You can also rent a jacuzzi room with one King bed for $149 a night. (yes, prices went up $10 this year)
. I'll be there for one night only.. Sat 12th.

As of this writing, special pricing is no longer available. Cancellation is good with a weeks notice, anything less than a week, they charge you for a night. The hotel has some other restrictions that will be passed along at the time you make your reservations (no pets, charges for stealing TV remotes, no smoking in rooms, etc.) There are a few secluded areas to smoke, if you know what I mean. Full details are here...


How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have no new contributions this month. Our last was from Paul Andry of Highlands, North Carolina . Check out #166. Could his tip save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps rolling joints, pissing people off on Facebook, and cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

We have a new contribution this issue.
Check out.. How to replace the spark plugs on a Bmw k1300s. It's apparently easier than you think.

Click For Larger Image.. If You Want a Chub..

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues