Take me home, El Capitan!

"Gather 'round, lads.... Gather 'round"...
Burt Lancaster / The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Around every other month, when I deem you are worthy, we post our cheesy newsletter to inform the masses as to what's happening in the BMW world and of course... Pirates' Lair. How else are you going to find out?

Warning: While I do try to add a little humor in every newsletter, some of my language may offend the mild mannered, politically correct, or meek amongst us. If you are offended easily I suggest you stop reading here and look elsewhere for your written info-tainment.

FYI.. If you'd like to be notified when each new newsletter is posted, just email me with your request and I'll make that happen. Our email database is 100% secure. Stored in a lock box formerly owned by Al Gore. Never shared or sold to third parties. Never perused by the NSA.

The Latest Cheesy Pirates' Lair Newsletter: September / October 2019 Issue

Fellow esteemed and quasi-esteemed motorcyclists.... .. A famous (and slightly edited ) movie moment to start this issue...

In Annies room late at night.. she has a shrine to baseball all alit with candles..Ebby and Crash sit on opposite ends of her couch.- Both men look around the room with wonder.  Ebby is clearly more nervous than Crash, who's been in some strange rooms in his minor league career.

Annie: These are the ground rules...I hook up with one guy a season--I mean it takes me a couple of weeks to pick the guy--kinda my own spring training... And, well, you two are the most promising prospects of the season so far. So...  I thought we should get to know each other.
Crash: Why do you get to choose?  Why don't I get to choose?
Annie: Actually none of us on this planet ever really choose each other.  It's all Quantum Physics and molecular attraction.  There are laws we don't understand that bring us together and break us apart.
Ebby: Is somebody gonna go to bed with somebody or what?
Annie:You're a regular nuclear meltdown, honey--slow down.
Crash rises to leave, and heads for the door.
Crash: After 12 years in the minor leagues, I don't tryout.  Besides--I don't believe in, Quantum Physics when it comes to matters of the heart...or loins.
Annie: (challenging him) What do you believe in?
Crash at the door.  Annie's question is slightly taunting.  He stops, and speaks with both aloofness and passion:
Crash: I believe in the soul, the cock, the pussy, the small of a woman's back, the hanging curve ball, high fiber, good scotch, long foreplay, show tunes, and that the novels of Thomas Pynchon are self-indulgent, overrated crap. I believe that the Pirates' Lair Cheesy Newsletter should be read by all riders.. not just BMW guys. I believe that Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone, I believe that there  oughta be a constitutional amendment outlawing astro-turf and the designated hitter, I believe in the "sweet spot", voting every election, soft core pornography, chocolate chip cookies, opening your presents on Christmas morning rather than Christmas eve, and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last for 7 days.
Annie: (breathless) Oh my..

Crash Davis / Kevin Costner  Annie Savoy /  Susan Sarandon    Ebby / Tim Robbins   Bull Durham... 1988

News and Feltercarb From The Two-Wheeled World

Picture Of The Month! Seneca, Arizona .. (Click Image for a Larger View)

Every month customers send us killer photos and I see no reason to keep them to myself so what better way to say thanks for sharing than to post them in this Picture of the Month spot..

Our September / October POTM was contributed by my good friend and regular contributor, Charlie Wickliffe of Show Low, AZ. He says of the photo..."I stopped at an abandoned village named Seneca on the San Carlos Apache reservation. Seneca is a few miles south of Salt River Canyon, AZ, just off of US 60. It was a mid-week, clear day with temps in the mid-80s... the photo was taken with my Samsung Galaxy S8 smartphone."

If you would like to contribute your own"worthy" shot for our newsletter, here's what I'll need. First.. just email me 1 or 2 of your best digital shots. It'll need to be at least 1024x768 in size or larger and preferably A. Of any late model BMW .. B. In focus... C. No GSs for God's sake.

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Sign O The Times: Motorcyclist Magazine Ends Print Production
as seen at AdventureRider.com

In our July Issue Newsletter, I sadly had to report the demise of BMW Motorcycle Magazine. One of my favorites... Well, my friends... I have more bad news for you. Another iconic rag is going out of print. Motorcyclist... the longest continually-published US motorcycle magazine in US history is going 100% digital. Geezz..

Bonnier, the publishing house which owns Motorcyclist, made the announcement of the upcoming change just recently. Motorcyclist has been in print ever since 1912, when it got its start under the name of Pacific Motorcycling. For years, it was one of the most-respected US print moto-mags, serving as official print publication of the AMA for a while. More recently, it rivaled Cycle World for pre-eminence as the country’s foremost all-encompassing motorcycle rag. Other publications might have had a better focus on cruisers, or adventure riding, or touring, or dirt biking, but no other mags had as strong a coverage of the industry as a whole.

Then, late in 2018, Ari Henning and Zack Courts, the two guys responsible for most of Motorcyclist’s flavor in recent years, left the company to go work with Motor Trend and readers reckoned the end was near. Turns out they were right, sort of, as Motorcyclist’s July/August edition will be its final print run.

Bonnier’s been swinging a wild ax lately, having also canceled the print runs for Hot Bike, Sport Rider (another of my favorites) and Baggers. Supposedly, Motorcyclist will follow the patterns of all those mags and go to online-only publication. Bonnier says the editorial staff is going to be shifted from print to filling the online mag instead. No word yet on what the changes at Motorcyclist might mean for Cycle World; in theory, a more regular print run might make sense now, but I’d be surprised to see that happen.

All in our lifetime.. We are literally witnessing the demise of an entire industry. One that has played a major part in our lives as motorcyclists.

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"Hey There Sexy.. Yes... You With the Gut"

The following is NOT motorcycle related. I'm including it in this most holy of newsletters for one reason and one reason alone.. To make my aging readers feel better about themselves and that aging body we use to hang our clothes on and haul our spirit and soul around in.

When I was young I had the body of a young lion. Strong, lithe, a majestic mane of hair, a normal sized prostate, and a rock hard stomach worthy of Viking legends and/or a Gold's Gym advertisement. I didn't work out or diet. I took my godlike attributes for granted and never gave it a second thought. Things started to "shift" in my 40's... then came the 50's and another couple of inches on my belt... Now in my 60's... I look at my belly and think.. "what the entire fuck?!" Age, time, and gravity are winning the war. I'll assume most of my readers can relate.

Recently, I was watching some innocuous program.. (Entertainment Tonight, I think) and the location was sunny Miami Beach. In the background beautiful, tan, young women were frolicking in the sand as only beautiful, tan, young women can. The reporter was interviewing random hotties about male bodies.. The question.. "What do you prefer in a male.. Six-pack abs or a "dad bod?" I'd never even heard the term "Dad Bod," but I knew instantly what it was. One by one the women replied.. "Dad bod". Not some of them.. ALL of them. WTF?!

After pinching myself to make sure this wasn't a dream conjured up by my inner id to make me feel better about myself, I watched with renewed interest. Why? Because at 63, I have a "dad bod" and until that very minute, I've been both frustrated and embarrassed by the fact that I'll probably spend the rest of my years sporting the unwanted protuberance which is my aging gut..

One by one the interviewer asked the aforementioned hotties... "Why do you prefer a "dad bod?" Generally they replied that a man in slightly less than god-like shape made them feel better about themselves.. Some answered the 'dad-bod" just fit better. Some said they thought a man sporting a dad-bod was more sure of himself and less egotistical.. Less cocky. Out of the mouths of babes.

In the original survey (done by Planet Fitness) which prompted the Miami broadcast, researchers found that women are pretty much totally fine with the dad bod look. Their findings show that women prefer a "frumpier" male body to a more muscular physique. The survey included about 2,000 people total. 69 percent of the women who participated said they found "dad bods" sexy. 47 percent of the women surveyed even said they think the dad bod is "the new six-pack." Some of the findings even suggested that women thought men with dad bods make better "marriage material." I'm sure the survey was very "scientific."

Could I, or you, or any of us get rid of a "dad bod" with a strenuous daily exercise program, eating healthier, a personal trainer, and giving up some of life's simple pleasures? Of course, but for most of us that degree of motivation and/or determination vacated the premises years or decades ago. I admit.... even at my age, I'd like to look good to the opposite sex, but reality tells me that that ship has sailed. Fortunately Amber seems unmindful of my extra girth or hair loss. Bottom line.. If the aforementioned survey proves nothing else .. it's that women in general simply aren't as "shallow" as we are re appearance which makes us aging males very lucky indeed. With this less-than-scientific survey, I think all of us can breathe a little easier about our age-enhanced rotundness.. or at the very least.. not have to suck it in when an attractive woman walks by.

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50th Anniversary of Then Came Bronson!
Inspired by an article at ADV.com

OK.. Lets see a show of hands.. Who here remembers "Then Came Bronson"? Especially the beginning where Bronson split-lanes it up to a stop light beside some milquetoast schmo on his way to a 9-5 job that he hates. The man looks over longingly at Bronson and asks.. "Taking a trip?"

If you say "yes", you are old as fuck, because believe it or not, 2019 is the 50th anniversary of the NBC show that launched the motorcycle dreams of many impressionable viewers. I, at 14 years old, was one of them.

In a nutshell, the show followed the adventures of one Jim Bronson, who traveled around the US, riding from town to town on a Harley-Davidson Sportster in search of, anything, man, anything.

Michael Parks played the leading role, but alas, it wasn't long-term employment for him. The show only lasted 26 episodes (most of them pretty crappy) and faded into history just all the other fun motorcycle schlock movies common back then.

It really was one of the most positive portrayals of motorcycling ever seen on American television. And just as Charley Boorman and Ewan McGregor inspired thousands of riders to hit the road in the 1990s and 2000s, Then Came Bronson was the catalyst that sent many riders on trips of exploration decades earlier. It helped that, while Then Came Bronson was fiction, it was based on a real-life rider’s adventures in the US, and was therefore less silly than much of the other motorcycle filmography of the time .. ie.. Hells Angels On Wheels, Wild Angels, C.C. and Company, etc., etc. Geez.. 50 years. We're getting old, my friends. What can I say other than.. "Hang in there..."

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Gofundme Fund Drive for a Friend and Vietnam Vet: Epilogue

Four months ago in our May / June Issue Pirates Lair Newsletter, Amber and I started a gofundme page (our first) to see if we could provide a little financial breathing room for our friend Michael Ray Woody.. A two-tour Vietnam vet with some serious health problems he incurred while in the service. We ended the gofundme on July 4th..

The final tally? We collected $455 from 14 people towards our goal of $1500. We had hoped to collect enough for our friend to repair his aging (and recently broken down) truck. He was quoted $1500 repair bill from the local dealer and we obviously fell short of that, but as fate would have it, lady luck stepped in. Amber found a local mechanic who does work for veterans at a discount. He agreed to do the job for almost 1/2 the first quote. $800. Using the gofundme money, we had Woody's truck towed to the vet-friendly mechanic's shop for repairs to begin.

The second lucky break came from a local realtor. Amber and I have been looking at a small cabin near our mountain property and she happened to mention our gofundme to the realtor. As it turns out, he's a retired Vietnam vet (also with war related health problems) and he offered to cover the difference of the repair bill that the gofundme fund didn't cover. Sweet! 2 weeks later.. Woody got his truck back on the road and his life has returned to normalcy. All thanks to 15 donors, a couple of unexpected earth-angels, and a lot of good will..

Again, I'd like to publicly thank those generous contributors (you know who you are) for the "gift" of generosity to our friend. A big heterosexual hugcoming your way.

Funds For Woody..

Postscript 8/25: Things are looking up for our friend, Woody.. He's been living in a really crappy government assisted apartment in a bad section of town (ie.. junkies, homeless, etc) for the last couple of years. He never complains.. He just takes what the government provides and has few other options anyway. That's about to change.

Amber and I bought 6 wooded acres on a nearby mountain a few years ago with plans to build a home and retire there. Those plans have been temporarily sidetracked so for now the property is just sitting there accumulating bears and property taxes. We've built a small barn for our two horses and cleared 2 acres for pasture. Anyone who owns horses knows all too well that they suck up all your free time.. and money. Amber has to tend to them twice a day.. every day.. 24/7/365 plus work a full time job AND do all of Pirates Lair shipping and billing. That's a tough load to carry.

A few weeks ago Amber had an idea, ran it by me, then we made Woody an offer.. "If you agree to take care of our horses and do some minimal property management.. we'll allow you to put one of those small houses on it and live there rent-free.." He enthusiastically accepted, has already found a used small structure for sale, cleared an area for it, and should be set up within the next month or so.. Win/Win for all parties.. He's excited about the mountain-top digs and Amber and I will have more time to ..well... enjoy life without the daily rigors of horse ownership. BTW.. I didn't mention.. Not only did Woody live off the grid for years (and loved every minute of it).. but he's a first class horseman from way back when he used to manage a stable and lead tourist horseback rides.. Karma is a wonderful thing.

What's New In the No-Spin Zone

1. Generalissimo Francisco Franco is still dead.. as is I-BMW.com - It's looking more and more like it ain' t comin' back, my friends. My Alexa (who sees and knows all) says that VicS (the site owner for 20 years) is uninterested and perhaps feeling unburdened these days without the daily drama such a site perpetuates. Can you blame him? Twenty fucking years! Most of my marriages didn't last that long. That being said.. it's a shame the site had to simply disappear into the night without warning. No note. No explanation. No au revoir mon ami. If It had been my site, I would have held a pre-shutdown party as a way of saying "thanks for the memories." A gathering of the hooligans would have allowed those who invested two decades of their time supporting the site (both emotionally and financially) a chance to thank Vic personally for all he did.. A chance to see and/or meet the friends we've shared conversations with over the years.. One last "proper" chance to say our heartfelt goodbyes and make fun of those who have since bought GS's.. Alas..

2. For those with a BMW R1250RT looking for some handlebar risers.. Here's a nice kit I'll bet you haven't seen ...A customer of mine bought a pair off eBay and sent me this link..

3. For K1200S / K1300S owners who have managed to scratch up the silver frame posts that run from your seat to the footpegs, a customer of ours has found some matching paint .. Check out Hammerite Smooth Spray Silver sold by Jamestown Distributors. Cost is a paltry $5.99 + shipping.

4. We just got this from ZTechnik .. "We are excited to announce the recent release of the VStream Windscreens for the F850GS & F750GS model! This release completes the offering of VStream experience for the Entire 2019 GS model family. The F750GS first production sold out in days, but we are continuing to process and ship orders." Email me for pricing and details if interested..

5. For those with older BMW twins, the following info from Whitelights of Germany came in 4/30.. "We have re-produced front signal lenses, which are discontinued by BMW. It will be BMW OEM 46631453001 and 46631453002 for K589 (K100RS/K1100RS/K1100LT/K100RS/K100RT/K100LT) from 1983-1996. Available in amber and clear. It's a best seller in Europe. Retail price 36 Euro/pair (amber) and 39,90 Euro/pair incl. bulbs (clear).

6. Here's a new phenomenon in the industry.. “Cosmetically Aged” Motorcycle Is Auction Winner".. Opinions welcome..

7. Looking for an attention-getting helmet? Want to distinguish yourself from the pack? Have a tiny penis? Check out Nitrinos Helmets located in mother Russia. They have some spectacular lids. No idea if they meet US standards, but damn they are cool..

8. Here's a nice write up of BMW's latest project bike... The BMW Motorrad Vision DC Roadster. The electrical awakening of the boxer engine. The future of motorcycling?

9. This video in pretty cool.. Evolution of MotoGP Riding Styles - From Leaning Out to Elbow Dragging

10. and one more... Motorcycle Traction EXPLAINED

11. BMW Hit With Class Action Lawsuit... Yikes! BMW of North America, LLC has been slapped with a proposed class-action lawsuit. The plaintiff claims that BMW placed its customers’ safety at issue by selling motorcycles with faulty gear indicators. The suit alleges that the defective gear indicators increased the risk of accidents and poses other safety concerns.

What's New at Pirates' Lair?

1. We just added HeliBars Tour Performance Handlebar Relocation Adapters for the K1600GT and GTL to our website. The much anticipated replacement handlebar system for the BMW K1600GTL & BMW K1600GT offers the same oem rear offset, but more height and a little closer. This kit installs beneath your stock bars and raise them 1/2" (12mm)** and move them towards the rider 1 3/4" (44mm.) You bought the most magnificent motorcycle on earth.. Take the time to get the ergos right for the most comfort... Cost to your door .. $144. Bam.. Chimp-easy install. * Chimp not included.

2. ZTechnik is closing in on finalizing their latest project... Engine Guards for the R1250GS & RT. One part number to fit both bikes! Sweet! Details, pictures, and pricing should be available in our next newsletter..

Shoe Me More, El Capitan!

3. New Product Alert! Sliding forward when coming to a stop? Scuffing up your gas tank with your knees and jacket? Wife sliding off the bike during late night garage sex? If you want grip AND protection for your brand spanking new 2020 S1000RR.. we now have TechSpec Gripster Kits for them on our website. By gripping the tank with your legs, a rider can improve the overall control of a motorcycle, control of their body weight, and obtain a more positive seat position. Improved control of the riders body weight will help improve overall handling. Increased control equals a smoother, less fatigued, and more enjoyable ride. Each (3) piece kit includes R & L Grip Skins and a tank protector for the front of the tank. We have kits for the aforementioned 2020 model as well as the 2009-2019 BMW S1000RR & S1000R .

4.We just got word...The Remus Carbon Fiber Hexacone Slip-on exhaust for the K1200S, K1200R, R Sport, K1300GT, & 2006-08 GT has been discontinued. There are no more available! Only Titanium.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

5. Pirates Lair now carries the entire line of the South African-made Kaoko Throttle Locks. In case you are not familiar with the product, it is essentially a bar end, mechanical, cruise control for your motorcycle. Similar, but different than the venerable Throttlemiester (which went out of business recently.) Tired of a numb throttle hand? Stupid question. Chimp-easy 5 minute install. Just remove the right hand bar weight, replace it with Kaoko's bar weight, and firmly tighten the bar end bolt. Bam.. Done. Available in black only. Heated grip compatible.

6. Since MaxMoto stopped importing Remus BMW K1600 headers (due to Kaleefornia's Orwellian "green" laws)... they have become our biggest selling product here in North Carolina. We're getting shipments direct from Europe every 10 days. . If you know anyone looking.. send them our way.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

7. We just got confirmation that our BMW R1200GS LC Stealth Backrest will fit the R1250GS LC. Woohoo! Our kit includes a padded backrest and an aluminum mounting plate that bolts directly to the top of your oem rack. Install is under 5 minutes with standard tools. The backrest slides on and off the bike in under 15 seconds. No modifications necessary. Our backrest will NOT fit the Adventure.

8. We now have ZTechnik VStream Windshields for the all new BMW R1250GS & Adventure as well as all the 2013-2018 R1200GS & Adventure.

9. We now have the Pyramid Carbon Fiber Fenda Extenda for the 2011+ BMW K1600GTL / K1600GT & 2017+ Bagger. No drilling required. Chimp easy install. Chimp not included.

Click Here To See More... If You Dare

I-BMW / Theriderspace.com Rally Event News : 2019
NOTE: I-bmw.com or theriderspace.com are not "official" sponsors of any of the following posted events. Event participation is the sole responsibility of the attendee. Motorcycle riding is potentially dangerous and can result in personal injury or death or lots of velocity awards.. You and you alone are responsible for your own safety. Ride within your own ability. It's called.. "personal responsibility."

Non-Invitational 2019 Maggie Valley Rally: Sept 5th-8th, 2019

Where: Creekside Lodge
Nearest town: Maggie Valley, NC
When: Starts Thursday, September 5th and check out is Sunday, September 8th.
Reservations: 800-621-1260

his year the event will be held in Maggie Valley, NC at the Maggie Valley Creekside Lodge. Rooms are $109 plus tax per night for the Standard room with two queens or $119 plus tax per night for the Creekside Room with two queens. This is for 2 adults. You can also rent a jacuzzi room with one King bed for $149 a night. (yes, prices went up $10 this year)

Making discounted reservations are good until August 13th and then special pricing is no longer available. Cancellation is good with a weeks notice, anything less than a week, they charge you for a night. The hotel has some other restrictions that will be passed along at the time you make your reservations (no pets, charges for stealing TV remotes, no smoking in rooms, etc.) There are a few secluded areas to smoke, if you know what I mean. Full details are here...


How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle

We have no new contributions this month. Our last was from Paul Andry of Highlands, North Carolina . Check out #166. Could his tip save your life? Dare you not look?.

If you'd like to help others by contributing a How-To-Survive On A Motorcycle, How to Survive Deals Gap, or any How-To link.. First... check out the tips we already have and if you have something new... just send to me and if it's worthy... I'll add it.

Pirates Lair Sacred Archives

We get a lot of requests for specific articles and/or reviews I've written in the past. Rather than fry my aging brain trying to remember where they are on our multi-hundred page website, I have decided to list the "worthy" ones here. Most of the links are to past newsletters.. Some are to full web articles. Remember, I'm no expert on anything except perhaps rolling joints, pissing people off on Facebook, and cunnilingus so the opinions within the archives are only my own. Saavy?

BMW How-To Section

We have no new contributions this issue. Our last contribution was from "Voxmagna" (a regular poster over at I-BMW.com ) who resides in London, England. I'll wager that his tip might just be a godsend to many K1200RS owners... K1200RS Blinker Pods: 'Fixed' Forever! Thanks, Vox. Well done..

Click For Larger Image.. If You Want a Chub..

Pirates Lair Cheesy Newsletters .. Past Issues